I don't wanna run away but I can't take it I don't understand... If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am? If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head? I don't know why you're so far away... Cause I miss you body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away... Cause I love you whether it's wrong or right...
Poor Helena...
Saturday, December 27, 2003
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
I forgot to write about my saving grace at work the other night. I got stuck working a thusday and for anyone who knows anything, thursdays at Famous Footwear are DEF NOT THE HOTNESS. But luckily Joe SAVED MY LIFE by whisking me away to the mall so we could share in the delight of Bourbon Chicken at the low low price of--- well I don't know the price, because I am the luckiest little girl in the whole of the Bourbon Chicken loving world.
ANYWAYS...
IT'S CHRISTMAS!!!...
Well almost, it's the last day of school before winter break and THAT is DEF the hotness.
I went and sat on Santas lap yesterday with Kellie Hale. That was good times.
Other than that I got nothin'.
Guess I'll talk at you later.
ANYWAYS...
IT'S CHRISTMAS!!!...
Well almost, it's the last day of school before winter break and THAT is DEF the hotness.
I went and sat on Santas lap yesterday with Kellie Hale. That was good times.
Other than that I got nothin'.
Guess I'll talk at you later.
Monday, December 22, 2003
Wow it's almost the end of the year and I think it's time for a recap:
-Mr.Mr (now Mr.Geri AGAIN cause he's not hot any more) is a poo face. An absolutely ridiculous one. No real explanation, only a simply idea to leave you with on this subject: Guys, Don't treat girls that like you like three year olds after having said several times that you "value their opinion and respect who they are because they are mature young adults, no matter what their actually numerical age is." AND scene...
-Mr. Hampster is ... the best guy in the world. As always.
-Christmas seems actually magical this year. Not because of the gifts or the people or the snow or anything like that. Just because. I think it's because it's my first Chirstmas as a christian and because it's my last Christmas (stuck) at home. Everything just seems more important.
-This year is a lot better than last year. Again, because I'm Christian. Things have been hardand have kind of sucked, but the little things don't matter. I'm happier this Christmas in my own skin and alone than I ever have been before, alone or not. I just feel good. I can't explain it. Like I look back on all thats happened in high school before now and all that seems so far away from me know. I mean I know I'm still immature and stupid and I know I still get upset over trivial things and I don't have it all together yet, but I feel more mature, more compitent. I don't know. Maybe I'm just crazier and I feel more normal now that I can embrace my insanity... ha... That cactually might be it...
- I love working, but working and school is so much harder than I thought. I never gave who do work and school enough credit. I am literally in every sense of the word exhausted. But I feel good. So thats a plus.
- I think that's it, amazingly.
Wow, that was a great catharsis.
-Mr.Mr (now Mr.Geri AGAIN cause he's not hot any more) is a poo face. An absolutely ridiculous one. No real explanation, only a simply idea to leave you with on this subject: Guys, Don't treat girls that like you like three year olds after having said several times that you "value their opinion and respect who they are because they are mature young adults, no matter what their actually numerical age is." AND scene...
-Mr. Hampster is ... the best guy in the world. As always.
-Christmas seems actually magical this year. Not because of the gifts or the people or the snow or anything like that. Just because. I think it's because it's my first Chirstmas as a christian and because it's my last Christmas (stuck) at home. Everything just seems more important.
-This year is a lot better than last year. Again, because I'm Christian. Things have been hardand have kind of sucked, but the little things don't matter. I'm happier this Christmas in my own skin and alone than I ever have been before, alone or not. I just feel good. I can't explain it. Like I look back on all thats happened in high school before now and all that seems so far away from me know. I mean I know I'm still immature and stupid and I know I still get upset over trivial things and I don't have it all together yet, but I feel more mature, more compitent. I don't know. Maybe I'm just crazier and I feel more normal now that I can embrace my insanity... ha... That cactually might be it...
- I love working, but working and school is so much harder than I thought. I never gave who do work and school enough credit. I am literally in every sense of the word exhausted. But I feel good. So thats a plus.
- I think that's it, amazingly.
Wow, that was a great catharsis.
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
Monday, December 15, 2003
People are crazy. thats my new motto for life, that people are crazy. It's generalized i know but everyone really is. The more i work and the more I have to deal with people the more i feel like a sane person trapped in a crazy house. It bothers me. I can't wait until I get married and have a family and a home I can go home to and hide from the crazies. Then again, that scenario only works if i can find a sane guy to marry... Then again any guy who would marry me would have to be a little off kilter...
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
I feel like poo.
I think my best (and only) friend in the whole world and I are going to have a buddy-break-up, and I'm going to be the one broken (as always). I hate feeling this way. The way where you know someone did something wrong and you're just waiting for one of you to crack and do the breaking. God, I hope that doesn't happen. I need all the friends I can get and I thought for once I might have one friend I could keep.
I worst thing is ia that our friendship is (was supposed to be) based completely in Christ. I felt like I could tell them anything and that spending time with them would always be the ultimate fellowship time for me. Two buddies going through life, arm in arm walking the narrow path, showing others it's worth it... But something happened. One or both of us fell and one or both of us aren't getting up, or are having a heck of a time. This is definatly the hardest thing in the world to go through. I don't want to be the fallen one, but I don't want them to be either, and I know it has to be one of us, because it's more than if we had just fallen out of eachother; it goes deeper than that... The book says to confront them. If they listen they are your true friend, if not, confront them with a mediator and then with the church, and if they still won't listen, treat them as an unbeliever...
I'm going to lose my best friend ever and it says to just let them go.
I can't do it.
I can't be alone.
Is this a test to see if I can stand alone?
Or is this a test to see if I can let Jesus mend this friendship?
Any ideas, I'm open to comments, Thebadgummybear = AIM
I think my best (and only) friend in the whole world and I are going to have a buddy-break-up, and I'm going to be the one broken (as always). I hate feeling this way. The way where you know someone did something wrong and you're just waiting for one of you to crack and do the breaking. God, I hope that doesn't happen. I need all the friends I can get and I thought for once I might have one friend I could keep.
I worst thing is ia that our friendship is (was supposed to be) based completely in Christ. I felt like I could tell them anything and that spending time with them would always be the ultimate fellowship time for me. Two buddies going through life, arm in arm walking the narrow path, showing others it's worth it... But something happened. One or both of us fell and one or both of us aren't getting up, or are having a heck of a time. This is definatly the hardest thing in the world to go through. I don't want to be the fallen one, but I don't want them to be either, and I know it has to be one of us, because it's more than if we had just fallen out of eachother; it goes deeper than that... The book says to confront them. If they listen they are your true friend, if not, confront them with a mediator and then with the church, and if they still won't listen, treat them as an unbeliever...
I'm going to lose my best friend ever and it says to just let them go.
I can't do it.
I can't be alone.
Is this a test to see if I can stand alone?
Or is this a test to see if I can let Jesus mend this friendship?
Any ideas, I'm open to comments, Thebadgummybear = AIM
Monday, December 08, 2003
Friday, December 05, 2003
I love snow
I mean it sucks... It's cold and wet and you can't go anywhere or do anything and I always getstuck going into work with my mom and I always forget about my school work, but I still love it.
Who knows why. I could get all mushyand explain why, but honestly I don't have the energy and you don't care anyways.
Well I have to go and see if SATs are cancelled for tomorrow. Pray for me, cause I'm gonna die if they're not.
I mean it sucks... It's cold and wet and you can't go anywhere or do anything and I always getstuck going into work with my mom and I always forget about my school work, but I still love it.
Who knows why. I could get all mushyand explain why, but honestly I don't have the energy and you don't care anyways.
Well I have to go and see if SATs are cancelled for tomorrow. Pray for me, cause I'm gonna die if they're not.
Tuesday, December 02, 2003
I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load i bear
in a world as cold as stone
must i walk this path alone?
Help me be strong
Be with me now
Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven
Breath of heaven
lighten my darkness
Pour over me your holiness
for you are holy
Breath of Heaven
Do you wonder, when you watch my face
If a wiser one, should have had my place?
But i offer all i am
for the mercy of your plan
Help me be strong
Help me
I am frightened by the load i bear
in a world as cold as stone
must i walk this path alone?
Help me be strong
Be with me now
Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven
Breath of heaven
lighten my darkness
Pour over me your holiness
for you are holy
Breath of Heaven
Do you wonder, when you watch my face
If a wiser one, should have had my place?
But i offer all i am
for the mercy of your plan
Help me be strong
Help me
Monday, December 01, 2003
Sunday, November 30, 2003
Sorry I haven't written in a while. Jobs take more time than I thought.
Today was the first Sunday of advent and by the time special music was sung I was drippy. The song was moving, but suprisingly little to release from me such a wellspring of tears. It was just something about the song that made me think about everything thats happened this past year. I really have come full circle.
Last year this time, I was with Mr. Hampster and, at that point, thought myself the happiest I'd ever be. I had just started going to New Day about two weeks before advent. I remeber thanksgiving was the first time I met Hampster's family-- the whole family-- cousins and all. I nearly fainted with firght, I was so nervous. It seemed like a hour later, it was Christmas and Hampster and I were kissing on my front porch. Our first kiss. In front of my decked out house. He still kissed me even after he saw the house decorated. Even after his skin was nearly sunburnt and his eyes nearly blinded by the lights, and he still kissed me...and then we broke up. And I thought I would die. I thought if I ever saw him again HE would die.
And here we are. I've accepted Jesus and this is my first Christmas as a Christian. I can see. I can see more than egg nog and christmas lights and presents and parties and more christmas lights and snow and caroling and EVEN MORE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS.... I see Christ. I see the birth of a new life that changed the world. I see Mr. Hampster and I don't hate him. I see him and I see my brother. I see someone who has put up with everything from me. I look at him and I SEE CHRIST.
Now all I have left is to look in the mirror and see Christ.
My life is not my own...
And I'm glad.
Today was the first Sunday of advent and by the time special music was sung I was drippy. The song was moving, but suprisingly little to release from me such a wellspring of tears. It was just something about the song that made me think about everything thats happened this past year. I really have come full circle.
Last year this time, I was with Mr. Hampster and, at that point, thought myself the happiest I'd ever be. I had just started going to New Day about two weeks before advent. I remeber thanksgiving was the first time I met Hampster's family-- the whole family-- cousins and all. I nearly fainted with firght, I was so nervous. It seemed like a hour later, it was Christmas and Hampster and I were kissing on my front porch. Our first kiss. In front of my decked out house. He still kissed me even after he saw the house decorated. Even after his skin was nearly sunburnt and his eyes nearly blinded by the lights, and he still kissed me...and then we broke up. And I thought I would die. I thought if I ever saw him again HE would die.
And here we are. I've accepted Jesus and this is my first Christmas as a Christian. I can see. I can see more than egg nog and christmas lights and presents and parties and more christmas lights and snow and caroling and EVEN MORE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS.... I see Christ. I see the birth of a new life that changed the world. I see Mr. Hampster and I don't hate him. I see him and I see my brother. I see someone who has put up with everything from me. I look at him and I SEE CHRIST.
Now all I have left is to look in the mirror and see Christ.
My life is not my own...
And I'm glad.
Saturday, November 22, 2003
Whispers of Temptation
I, much concerned with life
Saw the skull beneath the skin
And lustful creatures all around
Lean forward with lips full and grin.
Dead brown roots instead of balls
Drain the attention of wandering eyes
He knew my rambuncitious thoughts
Called in by lusts and luxeries.
He, I guessed, was a hands-on learner
Who could control not his fervor
To seize. And force. And dictate.
Calmed by nothing but that which penetrates
His flesh knew not patience,
His hand an expert beyond experience,
My body not yet a temple,
And I, quickly lead by harsh desires.
* * *
Summer was nice : The extreme heat
Gave way to naked skin
For short, but sweet unknown release
Giving fruitless promises of bliss.
Fro a chaise lounge,
On can see a world.
Observing, planning, asserting.
Scheming. Mouth-watering.
From which he pounced;
and with quick declaration.
"I lust for you"
A force on my subtlty.
Even the slightest hint
Aroused a deeper cry
For flames that danced between
To keep the empty warm.
I, much concerned with life
Saw the skull beneath the skin
And lustful creatures all around
Lean forward with lips full and grin.
Dead brown roots instead of balls
Drain the attention of wandering eyes
He knew my rambuncitious thoughts
Called in by lusts and luxeries.
He, I guessed, was a hands-on learner
Who could control not his fervor
To seize. And force. And dictate.
Calmed by nothing but that which penetrates
His flesh knew not patience,
His hand an expert beyond experience,
My body not yet a temple,
And I, quickly lead by harsh desires.
* * *
Summer was nice : The extreme heat
Gave way to naked skin
For short, but sweet unknown release
Giving fruitless promises of bliss.
Fro a chaise lounge,
On can see a world.
Observing, planning, asserting.
Scheming. Mouth-watering.
From which he pounced;
and with quick declaration.
"I lust for you"
A force on my subtlty.
Even the slightest hint
Aroused a deeper cry
For flames that danced between
To keep the empty warm.
Thursday, November 20, 2003
"why does she keep calling me if she doesn't want to go out with me?"
The more I roll those words over in my mind, the more I think my only friend in the world is a lying sack of poo... either that or she's as deaf as a slug... your call.
My birthday sucked. I was totally kidding myself about the not needing gifts or a party. LOL, no not really, it was all good until El Papi yelled at me for (oh just guess I know you know this one) yup, you got it, church. The only thing I actually care about and I get nothing but admonished about it... Oh well...
I get to call my recruiter soon.
My english teacher is nuts. She says if I don't apply to college she won't pass me for the quater. Screw that. Monkey pants...
My pastor is such a nerd. Miss. Pastor's wife was like "pastor has the number of a boy for you" So I was like "YOYOYO PASTA HOOK ME UP WID DA HOTTIE!!" and he was like "herrre be his digits" and it was definately the number of a guy who came and sang at our church. A very nice, VERY cute guy, but I already have his number and, oh yeah, HE'S LIKE 25!!!
GRR... Not helping Pastor... I surely don't need another Mr.Mr...
The more I roll those words over in my mind, the more I think my only friend in the world is a lying sack of poo... either that or she's as deaf as a slug... your call.
My birthday sucked. I was totally kidding myself about the not needing gifts or a party. LOL, no not really, it was all good until El Papi yelled at me for (oh just guess I know you know this one) yup, you got it, church. The only thing I actually care about and I get nothing but admonished about it... Oh well...
I get to call my recruiter soon.
My english teacher is nuts. She says if I don't apply to college she won't pass me for the quater. Screw that. Monkey pants...
My pastor is such a nerd. Miss. Pastor's wife was like "pastor has the number of a boy for you"
GRR... Not helping Pastor... I surely don't need another Mr.Mr...
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
I'm probably going to make a million and one entries today, since it's MY BIRTHDAY and all, but I think you (the reader) will deal. Or you'll stop reading all together, which would be unfortunate, but of no great consequence to me seeing as it's not like I get paid to write this stuff and I think I only have like 2 readers anyways.
I'm so excited. I kept telling myself I wouldn't get my hopes up for today, but I'm glad I'm 17. I'm glad I'm getting older. And I don't have to have a big party or get any gifts to be like this, I'm just content to be joyful all by my lonesome.
Well, time to go back to databases
I'm so excited. I kept telling myself I wouldn't get my hopes up for today, but I'm glad I'm 17. I'm glad I'm getting older. And I don't have to have a big party or get any gifts to be like this, I'm just content to be joyful all by my lonesome.
Well, time to go back to databases
Monday, November 17, 2003
Oh sweet I finally found a computer that can access my blog after rolling around the computer lab for about 3 hours! (okay... so thats a slight exageration, though I'm still rightly frustrated...)
Work was fun, as always. I'm just so glad I get paid to work in a shoe store. The shoes sell themselves, all I do is ring things up and talk to people about how cute their shoes are. God made me to do retail.
Hmph... My birthday is in 2.5 days, and I'm super anxious. More so than I thought I'd be. Maybe even more than last year, though last year I had my boo-boo to be anxious about. For those of you that don't know, "my boo-boo" was the fond reference I made to the man I now call Mr. Hamster. Mr. Hamster used to be the name I called him when he pissed me off and the only person I had to talk to was Mr.Heartbreaker.
Gollie, things are different this year... No boo-boo, though Mr.Hamster and I are friends, no Mr. Heartbreaker AT ALL, even though we were friends, and the friendship between Mr.Geri and myself steadily cooling... Lotsa new rules to learn. I hate trying to figure out how to treat which person. People should come with detailed instruction manuals....In both english and french...
Speaking of Mr. Hamster, his mommy sent me the nicest birthday card. She needs to have another baby (a boy) so that I can marry him... I just want to be her daughter-in-law, I'm not too particular on who I get to marry.
Maybe I can get her to adopt me...
I'm using a lot of elipses today. Sorry about that. Did you know that the King James Version of the bible has less than 700 different words in it? I just thought that was interesting. I wonder how many different words my blog entry contains on this lovely November day. I suppose I could begin to put to use the vast knowledge of modifiers and unusual, often time obscure vocabulary I possess so as to grow the numbers and impress those that might take the time to count.
Then again, I don't have all that kind of time...
Work was fun, as always. I'm just so glad I get paid to work in a shoe store. The shoes sell themselves, all I do is ring things up and talk to people about how cute their shoes are. God made me to do retail.
Hmph... My birthday is in 2.5 days, and I'm super anxious. More so than I thought I'd be. Maybe even more than last year, though last year I had my boo-boo to be anxious about. For those of you that don't know, "my boo-boo" was the fond reference I made to the man I now call Mr. Hamster. Mr. Hamster used to be the name I called him when he pissed me off and the only person I had to talk to was Mr.Heartbreaker.
Gollie, things are different this year... No boo-boo, though Mr.Hamster and I are friends, no Mr. Heartbreaker AT ALL, even though we were friends, and the friendship between Mr.Geri and myself steadily cooling... Lotsa new rules to learn. I hate trying to figure out how to treat which person. People should come with detailed instruction manuals....In both english and french...
Speaking of Mr. Hamster, his mommy sent me the nicest birthday card. She needs to have another baby (a boy) so that I can marry him... I just want to be her daughter-in-law, I'm not too particular on who I get to marry.
Maybe I can get her to adopt me...
I'm using a lot of elipses today. Sorry about that. Did you know that the King James Version of the bible has less than 700 different words in it? I just thought that was interesting. I wonder how many different words my blog entry contains on this lovely November day. I suppose I could begin to put to use the vast knowledge of modifiers and unusual, often time obscure vocabulary I possess so as to grow the numbers and impress those that might take the time to count.
Then again, I don't have all that kind of time...
Thursday, November 13, 2003
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
So I can't spell... is Mr. Mesocricetus auratus better?
Anyways, People are funny. Just in general. They get all mad when they screw up. I don't think humans will ever take credit for their own mistakes unless it gets them shagged... "Oh you broke a lamp and offered to pay for it... thats HOTT"... hahaha..
MAWAGE...MAWAGE IS WHAT BWINGS US TOGEVAH TOODAY...
Anyways, People are funny. Just in general. They get all mad when they screw up. I don't think humans will ever take credit for their own mistakes unless it gets them shagged... "Oh you broke a lamp and offered to pay for it... thats HOTT"... hahaha..
MAWAGE...MAWAGE IS WHAT BWINGS US TOGEVAH TOODAY...
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
I have some extra time on my hands today in CIP 1, and I have decided to use that time by writing more so whoever is reading this has more to read... as if anyone needs more of me...
Mr. Hampster did something really interesting. I don't want to say what it is, because too many people know anyways, but it's one of those, "wow... why are you being so nice?" kind of things. He confusses me. Maybe it's just my general distrust of people or maybe he's secretly in love with me, but I just can't think of a reasons for him to be so nice to me...
Oh well, there are plenty on mean people out there that in a week, I will have forgotten the nice thing he did this week anyways.
Mr. Hampster did something really interesting. I don't want to say what it is, because too many people know anyways, but it's one of those, "wow... why are you being so nice?" kind of things. He confusses me. Maybe it's just my general distrust of people or maybe he's secretly in love with me, but I just can't think of a reasons for him to be so nice to me...
Oh well, there are plenty on mean people out there that in a week, I will have forgotten the nice thing he did this week anyways.
Thank God for Veterans day. For real For real.
It just helps me to remember that I live in a wonderful place. A place where people fight for our freedom. People risk their lives to alow me to do things like speaking my mind and living in freedom.
Jesus was the one and true Veteran, ending the fight and promising that we shall be free. But those who fight her secure our freedom now, and rI pray that God should bless them and keep them and make his face shine upon them.
GOD BLESS AMERICA AND THOSE WHO WOULD DIE TO MAKE US FREE...
It just helps me to remember that I live in a wonderful place. A place where people fight for our freedom. People risk their lives to alow me to do things like speaking my mind and living in freedom.
Jesus was the one and true Veteran, ending the fight and promising that we shall be free. But those who fight her secure our freedom now, and rI pray that God should bless them and keep them and make his face shine upon them.
GOD BLESS AMERICA AND THOSE WHO WOULD DIE TO MAKE US FREE...
Monday, November 10, 2003
Sunday, November 09, 2003
You look at me,
And you think you see
All there is
Is all I'll be.
I'll tell you now,
Though I can't explain how,
That someday soon
Someway Somehow
I'll be everything God has set before me to be
If I rely on Jesus faithfully.
My world is crazy,
Tears make my view hazy,
My own family debates me
and My place in this world.
But no matter how down
Or discouraged I get,
Jesus is my rock,
My own tournequet.
He makes me whole,
He binds my wounds.
No matter how dusty the road may be,
Jesus is always there,
even if he's hard to see.
One of these days,
It'll all be peachy
Until then, I'll keep on reaching
His arms outstretched,
To bear the load
He carried his cross
One for the whole.
I'll never forget
The blood that was shed
The pain that He bore,
Just for me to know God more.
Without Jesus,
We'd be without light,
God's mercy now freely given,
With great joy and delight.
For now we're forgiven
All sins and shame vanish,
We can come freely to our God,
We're no longer banished.
Jesus broke the wall
We built in the fall
When Jesus died,
He did it for God's love of us all.
So in freedom I write,
That in God's sight,
I'm forgiven and loved
As a child of Light.
No matter how down or discouraged I can be,
My God, through Jesus, can see the good in me.
I thank you, Oh Lord, for you sacrifice
The ticket to heaven so perfectly given
I was Reborn in love extended to all,
And now I know what it means to be living.
With every fiber in me,
When I am all that I can be,
I will have fulfilled God's purpose,
With the life He has redeemed.
And you think you see
All there is
Is all I'll be.
I'll tell you now,
Though I can't explain how,
That someday soon
Someway Somehow
I'll be everything God has set before me to be
If I rely on Jesus faithfully.
My world is crazy,
Tears make my view hazy,
My own family debates me
and My place in this world.
But no matter how down
Or discouraged I get,
Jesus is my rock,
My own tournequet.
He makes me whole,
He binds my wounds.
No matter how dusty the road may be,
Jesus is always there,
even if he's hard to see.
One of these days,
It'll all be peachy
Until then, I'll keep on reaching
His arms outstretched,
To bear the load
He carried his cross
One for the whole.
I'll never forget
The blood that was shed
The pain that He bore,
Just for me to know God more.
Without Jesus,
We'd be without light,
God's mercy now freely given,
With great joy and delight.
For now we're forgiven
All sins and shame vanish,
We can come freely to our God,
We're no longer banished.
Jesus broke the wall
We built in the fall
When Jesus died,
He did it for God's love of us all.
So in freedom I write,
That in God's sight,
I'm forgiven and loved
As a child of Light.
No matter how down or discouraged I can be,
My God, through Jesus, can see the good in me.
I thank you, Oh Lord, for you sacrifice
The ticket to heaven so perfectly given
I was Reborn in love extended to all,
And now I know what it means to be living.
With every fiber in me,
When I am all that I can be,
I will have fulfilled God's purpose,
With the life He has redeemed.
Friday, November 07, 2003
UGH! DERN GOOD FOR NOTHING GUIDANCE COUNSELORS!
"guide me, oh great counselor, I need your assistance in this oh so important matter."
"certainly, oh lowly peasant, I will help you, for it is sure you cannot figure things out for yourself."
"bless you, oh lord counselor"
Leave it to someone whose job it is to help you to screw things up even more!
So here's the story:
I go to see my counselor for my senior check-up.
She says I'm on target for graduation.
She says "what are you doing after graduation, oh lowly peasant?"
(well, okey minus the lowly peasant part...)
I say, "El Navy, Senora Couselor-o"
(En Englais)
She says, "Surely not, no! No one was alive then!"
(Minus the Eddie Izzard reference...)
She continues, "A maid as able to earn A's as yourself should not go into the lowly and undeserving post of protecting our country... wouldn't you rather be a designer or an accountant?"
"umm... No."
(The only thing that was ACTUALLY said the way I wrote it...)
"WHAT?! NO?! NO COLLEGE, NO FUTURE LADY! YOU BETTER GET A BACK UP PLAN IN CASE YOU WIMP OUT OF 'EL NAVY'!!!"
And she added a quieter, yet more forcefully, "Why, If I had a daughter as whacko as you I surely would not have a daughter..."
So I said, quietly and complacently, "Ok..."
"OKAY? OKAY?! YOU HAVE TO HAVE A BACK UP PLAN YOU HAVE TO APPLY TO 236 COLLEGES ON THE EAST COAST, AND 567 ABROAD AND ON THE WEST COAST SO YOU CAN HAVE ATLEAST 5 TO CHOOSE FROM AND FILL OUT 678,987,998 FINANCIAL AID PACKETS AND SCHOLARSHIP APPLICATIONS, JUST IN CASE."
"ok... Why?"
"Because you'll miss important and enriching opportunities that YOU MUST HAVE OR ELSE YOU'LL ROT IN A FIERY HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY!! MUHAHA, MUHAHAHAHAHA!"
(flames shoot up, her eyes go black, and people outside her office company about the smell of brimstone...yuck.)
"Maybe... it makes sense. I'll talk to my parents about it... Now can I go, PLEASE?"
LATER THAT EVENING
"Ma, this whacko lady at school says I should have a back up plan and I think she might have a good idea... I'm gonna go to this college fair and fill out these forms, just in case--"
(my sister in law chimes in, because of course everything said between my mother and I is automatically her business, for she is an all-knowing goddess of everything...)
"you are dumb. The fact that you are even considering other options show me that you can hack the Navy. You need to not listen to what everyone else says, this lady is nuts, you can get scholarships later, you don't have to apply now and if you do apply now, you might as well just forget about the Navy, because I can tell you don't really want to go"
(another ACTUAL statement)
Mom chimes in, unusually calm, "Whatever you want to do, but if you apply, you can pay for all the applications because I don't have the money."
(Again, actual, and expected, response.)
I knew what my mom would say. Hell, I knew what my sister would say to. But she had no right to. She had no reason to. She just did. The first thing she says to me in an entire blissfully silent week, and afterwards, when I get upset that I've been insulted and marrooned on an emotional island during a monsoon, it of course is my fault because she gets overdramatic with me and I upset her when I tell her that I wish she would just let me talk to my mother without getting all up in my biz-nass.
I literally can't take this. Not right now, not ontop of birthday blues and Mr.Hampster blues, and Mr.Mr blues and school and work... I'm gonna go BONKERS, as if I'm not already...
"guide me, oh great counselor, I need your assistance in this oh so important matter."
"certainly, oh lowly peasant, I will help you, for it is sure you cannot figure things out for yourself."
"bless you, oh lord counselor"
Leave it to someone whose job it is to help you to screw things up even more!
So here's the story:
I go to see my counselor for my senior check-up.
She says I'm on target for graduation.
She says "what are you doing after graduation, oh lowly peasant?"
(well, okey minus the lowly peasant part...)
I say, "El Navy, Senora Couselor-o"
(En Englais)
She says, "Surely not, no! No one was alive then!"
(Minus the Eddie Izzard reference...)
She continues, "A maid as able to earn A's as yourself should not go into the lowly and undeserving post of protecting our country... wouldn't you rather be a designer or an accountant?"
"umm... No."
(The only thing that was ACTUALLY said the way I wrote it...)
"WHAT?! NO?! NO COLLEGE, NO FUTURE LADY! YOU BETTER GET A BACK UP PLAN IN CASE YOU WIMP OUT OF 'EL NAVY'!!!"
And she added a quieter, yet more forcefully, "Why, If I had a daughter as whacko as you I surely would not have a daughter..."
So I said, quietly and complacently, "Ok..."
"OKAY? OKAY?! YOU HAVE TO HAVE A BACK UP PLAN YOU HAVE TO APPLY TO 236 COLLEGES ON THE EAST COAST, AND 567 ABROAD AND ON THE WEST COAST SO YOU CAN HAVE ATLEAST 5 TO CHOOSE FROM AND FILL OUT 678,987,998 FINANCIAL AID PACKETS AND SCHOLARSHIP APPLICATIONS, JUST IN CASE."
"ok... Why?"
"Because you'll miss important and enriching opportunities that YOU MUST HAVE OR ELSE YOU'LL ROT IN A FIERY HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY!! MUHAHA, MUHAHAHAHAHA!"
(flames shoot up, her eyes go black, and people outside her office company about the smell of brimstone...yuck.)
"Maybe... it makes sense. I'll talk to my parents about it... Now can I go, PLEASE?"
LATER THAT EVENING
"Ma, this whacko lady at school says I should have a back up plan and I think she might have a good idea... I'm gonna go to this college fair and fill out these forms, just in case--"
(my sister in law chimes in, because of course everything said between my mother and I is automatically her business, for she is an all-knowing goddess of everything...)
"you are dumb. The fact that you are even considering other options show me that you can hack the Navy. You need to not listen to what everyone else says, this lady is nuts, you can get scholarships later, you don't have to apply now and if you do apply now, you might as well just forget about the Navy, because I can tell you don't really want to go"
(another ACTUAL statement)
Mom chimes in, unusually calm, "Whatever you want to do, but if you apply, you can pay for all the applications because I don't have the money."
(Again, actual, and expected, response.)
I knew what my mom would say. Hell, I knew what my sister would say to. But she had no right to. She had no reason to. She just did. The first thing she says to me in an entire blissfully silent week, and afterwards, when I get upset that I've been insulted and marrooned on an emotional island during a monsoon, it of course is my fault because she gets overdramatic with me and I upset her when I tell her that I wish she would just let me talk to my mother without getting all up in my biz-nass.
I literally can't take this. Not right now, not ontop of birthday blues and Mr.Hampster blues, and Mr.Mr blues and school and work... I'm gonna go BONKERS, as if I'm not already...
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
I wonder if anyone actually reads this. This is the most interesting form of communication I've yet to stumble across. I think it's interesting that this thing has become more about my points of view and less and less about what actually occurs in my life. It's just interesting how things work out. And I guess it's good because who would want to read all about what happens without knowing anything that they could actually respond to?
oi... Wisdom del this kid in my computer class. oi.
My birthday is coming up, and of course, so are the annual "birthday blues". I hate getting older. It's just one more year Mr. Biological procreator is missing. I was going to say Mr.Father, but he doesn't get that name. Stupid men...
Mr.Mr is occuping far too much of the space in my brain. He's definatly too old and definatly uninterested and I should definatly move on before I actually start thinking he might maybe possibly have some tiny minisucle inkling of longing or desire for just the slightest moment of my presence...
Well, I have to go and try and find something else to think about...
oi... Wisdom del this kid in my computer class. oi.
My birthday is coming up, and of course, so are the annual "birthday blues". I hate getting older. It's just one more year Mr. Biological procreator is missing. I was going to say Mr.Father, but he doesn't get that name. Stupid men...
Mr.Mr is occuping far too much of the space in my brain. He's definatly too old and definatly uninterested and I should definatly move on before I actually start thinking he might maybe possibly have some tiny minisucle inkling of longing or desire for just the slightest moment of my presence...
Well, I have to go and try and find something else to think about...
Monday, November 03, 2003
Bible study was great. I'm still happy about that. It's amazing how one thing can make you feel so good, especially after all that stuff hit the fan last week. My sister in law still won't talk to me, which may prove to be a good thing...
At any rate, Church was good yesterday. It was the same sermon that we heard Saturday night at contemporary worship, but it seemed to hit home. "TROUBLES make us TRUST." Logical enough, but I'm still struggling. But I think thats okay. "It's not okay to be angry with God, but you can struggle with what he wants you to do." Wisdom del Pastor Dave.
Mr.Mr was interesting Saturday night, but I'm not sure I should type why, since someone reading this might know him. Let's just say he's close on the heels of Mr.Hampster as "Mr. Always knows what to say."
I can't wait. My birthday is in less than three weeks. After that I get to see my recruiter. WOOHOO! Man, I can't believe it's already that time. Mr.Navy is due home soon, too. He's called me atleast once a week since he's been in A school. (He's an AO... If you know what that means...) I.Y.A.A.Y.A.S. hahaha...
Well, better go... "Enter data... blah blah blah..."
At any rate, Church was good yesterday. It was the same sermon that we heard Saturday night at contemporary worship, but it seemed to hit home. "TROUBLES make us TRUST." Logical enough, but I'm still struggling. But I think thats okay. "It's not okay to be angry with God, but you can struggle with what he wants you to do." Wisdom del Pastor Dave.
Mr.Mr was interesting Saturday night, but I'm not sure I should type why, since someone reading this might know him. Let's just say he's close on the heels of Mr.Hampster as "Mr. Always knows what to say."
I can't wait. My birthday is in less than three weeks. After that I get to see my recruiter. WOOHOO! Man, I can't believe it's already that time. Mr.Navy is due home soon, too. He's called me atleast once a week since he's been in A school. (He's an AO... If you know what that means...) I.Y.A.A.Y.A.S. hahaha...
Well, better go... "Enter data... blah blah blah..."
Saturday, November 01, 2003
Woohoo for places we can all fit in...
I just got back from Bible study with the young adults. For the first time in a long time I felt at home. I felt like I was where God needed me to be. That was exciting. There I was, conversating with a 28 year old, 4 years the senior of Mr.Mr, and she and I were going through the same things. And what she said I could identify with. And I want to help her. I hardly know her and I want to help out my sister in Christ just because she's my sister. It was amazing. And whats better? Mr.Mr drove me home and said that HE felt that I was in the right place. So it wasn't just me being comfortable, it really was me belonging.
Wow. I belong. In a family. And I have a home. I'm very near to becoming a stable, well-adjusted young adult.
Let's see what will happen next week to ultimately change and probably ruin everything...
TROUBLES make us TRUST.
I just got back from Bible study with the young adults. For the first time in a long time I felt at home. I felt like I was where God needed me to be. That was exciting. There I was, conversating with a 28 year old, 4 years the senior of Mr.Mr, and she and I were going through the same things. And what she said I could identify with. And I want to help her. I hardly know her and I want to help out my sister in Christ just because she's my sister. It was amazing. And whats better? Mr.Mr drove me home and said that HE felt that I was in the right place. So it wasn't just me being comfortable, it really was me belonging.
Wow. I belong. In a family. And I have a home. I'm very near to becoming a stable, well-adjusted young adult.
Let's see what will happen next week to ultimately change and probably ruin everything...
TROUBLES make us TRUST.
Thursday, October 30, 2003
AHHHH! Mr.Mr and Mr.Mr's truck! That was exciting!
I guess that sounds really bad without an explanation.
After al thats happened this week, I didn't think it was such a good idea to expect my mom to come and pick me up Monday night from band, so I asked for a ride and guess who decided to give me one? Need I say "woohoo"? So he drove me home and we sat and talked in his truck for atleast a half an hour. No big deal really, it was just nice to have someone to talk to and that that someone was him. And we talked about everything; My ex, his ex, how lonely life can be, how my family is a challenge and how okay that is and just about a million other things. SO EXCITING.
It's not like this changes anything, I'm still a little girl and he's still Mr.Mr, but it certainly made me feel better. Just having someone to talk to that could help me and isn't psycho condiscending or judgemental. Defenatly a nice way to spend my time.
Anyways, other than that things have been ubber uneventful. Other than pining over Mr. Hampster (which happens naturally anyways) life's been next to boring. Maybe it would be more fun if my glasses weren't indisposed and I could actually see 2 feet in front of me. Maybe it doesn't matter...
Toodle-loo, Gotta get back to CIP "enter the data. Make a graph. Save because you have to... blah blah blah-dee-blah"
I guess that sounds really bad without an explanation.
After al thats happened this week, I didn't think it was such a good idea to expect my mom to come and pick me up Monday night from band, so I asked for a ride and guess who decided to give me one? Need I say "woohoo"? So he drove me home and we sat and talked in his truck for atleast a half an hour. No big deal really, it was just nice to have someone to talk to and that that someone was him. And we talked about everything; My ex, his ex, how lonely life can be, how my family is a challenge and how okay that is and just about a million other things. SO EXCITING.
It's not like this changes anything, I'm still a little girl and he's still Mr.Mr, but it certainly made me feel better. Just having someone to talk to that could help me and isn't psycho condiscending or judgemental. Defenatly a nice way to spend my time.
Anyways, other than that things have been ubber uneventful. Other than pining over Mr. Hampster (which happens naturally anyways) life's been next to boring. Maybe it would be more fun if my glasses weren't indisposed and I could actually see 2 feet in front of me. Maybe it doesn't matter...
Toodle-loo, Gotta get back to CIP "enter the data. Make a graph. Save because you have to... blah blah blah-dee-blah"
Monday, October 27, 2003
I don't get people. Seriously, they drive me nuts. Not only do I not understand my peers, but adults, children, and everything in between have me completely stumped.
I'm sorry I was born. I can't change that fact. I can't undo the mistake my parents made. I'm sorry if you wish I could and I'm sorry if you want me to own up to it, but I can't and I won't. It's not my mistake.
I'm sorry I act the way I do. I'm sorry you think I'm arrogant, immature, naieve, stupid, innsensitive, and undeserving of your love.
But it's not my fault. I promise you it's not my fault. I can't help who I was made to be. That's not to say that I dissown all the bad things I've done in the past. That's not to say that I think anyone is wrong for thinking ill of me. It's to say that I can't help how you see me. I can only try to improve your view of me. And I can only do that much if you give me a chance to.
I'm trying to change. I'm trying to be better. But if you refuse to stop yelling long enough to hear me say I'm sorry, if you refuse to turn your head my way and watch me struggling with whats right and wrong, then you'll never have the chance to see what I'm becoming. What I'm TRYING to become.
I know I don't deserve it. I know I should just leave now and not even wait for even a crumb of forgiveness and patience to fall from your table. But I can't just give up. I can't. You want me to change and I'm tryng to change, I'm trying to be better and all you do is assume that I can never change. But in assuming that, you don't give me room enough to change. It's like putting a pound of bread dough in a tupperware container in a cold fridge and then cursing the bread because it won't rise.
Just this one chance is all I'm asking for. Just give me one chance to show you that I'm atleast trying. If you still think I'm arrogant, self-centered, immature, and worthless then I'll just leave. I'll just walk out the door, bags packed and never expect to hear from anyone again. But don't ask me to stay here with people who don't know what maturity, kindness, patience, and love are and then expect me to blossom into a wonderful, tolerant, soft-spoken, greatful person. It's not going to happen if you won't let it.
How, if Mr."I always say that right thing" (Mr. Hampster) can forgive me a million times for the horrible things I've put him through, most of them inntentional, henous, malicious, and hurtful, can you not forgive the mistakes I've made? didn't mean to be born. Forgive me for acting like a lost, sad, lonely child and let me try to be an adult.
I'm sorry I was born. I can't change that fact. I can't undo the mistake my parents made. I'm sorry if you wish I could and I'm sorry if you want me to own up to it, but I can't and I won't. It's not my mistake.
I'm sorry I act the way I do. I'm sorry you think I'm arrogant, immature, naieve, stupid, innsensitive, and undeserving of your love.
But it's not my fault. I promise you it's not my fault. I can't help who I was made to be. That's not to say that I dissown all the bad things I've done in the past. That's not to say that I think anyone is wrong for thinking ill of me. It's to say that I can't help how you see me. I can only try to improve your view of me. And I can only do that much if you give me a chance to.
I'm trying to change. I'm trying to be better. But if you refuse to stop yelling long enough to hear me say I'm sorry, if you refuse to turn your head my way and watch me struggling with whats right and wrong, then you'll never have the chance to see what I'm becoming. What I'm TRYING to become.
I know I don't deserve it. I know I should just leave now and not even wait for even a crumb of forgiveness and patience to fall from your table. But I can't just give up. I can't. You want me to change and I'm tryng to change, I'm trying to be better and all you do is assume that I can never change. But in assuming that, you don't give me room enough to change. It's like putting a pound of bread dough in a tupperware container in a cold fridge and then cursing the bread because it won't rise.
Just this one chance is all I'm asking for. Just give me one chance to show you that I'm atleast trying. If you still think I'm arrogant, self-centered, immature, and worthless then I'll just leave. I'll just walk out the door, bags packed and never expect to hear from anyone again. But don't ask me to stay here with people who don't know what maturity, kindness, patience, and love are and then expect me to blossom into a wonderful, tolerant, soft-spoken, greatful person. It's not going to happen if you won't let it.
How, if Mr."I always say that right thing" (Mr. Hampster) can forgive me a million times for the horrible things I've put him through, most of them inntentional, henous, malicious, and hurtful, can you not forgive the mistakes I've made? didn't mean to be born. Forgive me for acting like a lost, sad, lonely child and let me try to be an adult.
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
Okay I have been inspired to write something that no one wants to hear but I feel is of utmost importance. Read on if you dare, or just say the usual mutterance of contempt under your breath about me and go away.
What is wrong with you people? Why are people always so melancholy and so blind as to how to fix it when the answers are all right there? All my friends do is bitch and moan, moan and bitch, and all I have to tell you is that Jesus loves you. Which just makes you bitch and moan more. Why not just take it for what it is and be greatful?
Take Mr. Heartbreaker, for example. He is gonna totally hate me for this but let me borrow something from his blog. (NOTE: I DIDN'T GET PERMISSION TO DO THIS SO IF YOU KNOW HIM SPARE MY LIFE AND DON'T TELL HIM I DID IT) He writes,
"...well, i just talked to (The new mrs.) for a good hour and a half, and the fact that she cares about me is one of the ONLY things that can put a genuine smile on my face these days. in summation: i hate my life. i hate my parents. i have absolutely no hope or faith in anything anymore, and my only purpose in life, at all, is to consume energy, stay alive, and gamble that one in a trillion chance that one day, this will all get better."
A.) Why is it a surprise that anyone should love him when I tell him nearly everytime I talk to him that Jesus Loves Him?
B.) Why does he have no faith? Why, when it is so easy to gain Faith Hope And Love in one swoop, do the young people of this generation run to find something more "substantial" more "real"? Pray, tell me what is more real than Love or Hope or Faith? Nothing cause you all are looking for it and laughing at me when I tell you precisely were to find it... well the nice ones are laughing...
C.) and DUH OF COURSE THINGS WOULD BE BETTER IF EVERYONE COULD JUST OPEN UP THEIR COTTON PICKIN' EARS AND FRIGGIN LISTEN TO THE WORDS COMIN' OUTTA MAH MOUF!!
Jesus Loves you. Thats all I got. If that ain't good enough, than it's you own cotton-pickin' fault....
...and what?
What is wrong with you people? Why are people always so melancholy and so blind as to how to fix it when the answers are all right there? All my friends do is bitch and moan, moan and bitch, and all I have to tell you is that Jesus loves you. Which just makes you bitch and moan more. Why not just take it for what it is and be greatful?
Take Mr. Heartbreaker, for example. He is gonna totally hate me for this but let me borrow something from his blog. (NOTE: I DIDN'T GET PERMISSION TO DO THIS SO IF YOU KNOW HIM SPARE MY LIFE AND DON'T TELL HIM I DID IT) He writes,
"...well, i just talked to (The new mrs.) for a good hour and a half, and the fact that she cares about me is one of the ONLY things that can put a genuine smile on my face these days. in summation: i hate my life. i hate my parents. i have absolutely no hope or faith in anything anymore, and my only purpose in life, at all, is to consume energy, stay alive, and gamble that one in a trillion chance that one day, this will all get better."
A.) Why is it a surprise that anyone should love him when I tell him nearly everytime I talk to him that Jesus Loves Him?
B.) Why does he have no faith? Why, when it is so easy to gain Faith Hope And Love in one swoop, do the young people of this generation run to find something more "substantial" more "real"? Pray, tell me what is more real than Love or Hope or Faith? Nothing cause you all are looking for it and laughing at me when I tell you precisely were to find it... well the nice ones are laughing...
C.) and DUH OF COURSE THINGS WOULD BE BETTER IF EVERYONE COULD JUST OPEN UP THEIR COTTON PICKIN' EARS AND FRIGGIN LISTEN TO THE WORDS COMIN' OUTTA MAH MOUF!!
Jesus Loves you. Thats all I got. If that ain't good enough, than it's you own cotton-pickin' fault....
...and what?
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
Sometimes I don't write because my life is so completely boring it merits no record whatsoever. And sometimes I don't write because I'm just too dern busy. This was one of those "My head's going to cave in if I don't get to sit down alone and just friggin chill" kinda weeks.
Homecoming was a mess. I ended up hating Mr...hmm... I don't think I've ever mentioned this guy before.. hmm... Mr.Hampster (as if that's not obvious). I ended up loathing the very sight of him by midnight Saturday. Damn him and his elegant attire and mature qualities that make him so dern mouth watering. I literally needed a mop an bucket to clean all the slober that consiquently flowed from my mouth just from looking at him in his little black suit with his walkie-talkie, running around like a gerbil all night. The day of the homecoming was absolutely agonizing, since I spent most of the day with his parents, two people whom I all but adore. I think it's worse loving his parents than it is being his friend. Being comfortable around them makes me feel like I still have an in, like I still have a chance. But we all know that's not happenin'. (For those f you t hat don't know, Mr. Hampster doesn't love me because I'm "too immature"... beyond belief, I know...)
Anyways, beyond that whole scene, Homecoming reeked of horribleness seeing as it ended with 30 cop cars, a k-9 unit, AND a helicopter. Oh and by the by in case you hadn't already guessed, Black people don't understand the whole mosh pit idea... If you are friends with a black person and they EVER mention mosh pitting, please instruct them on how to do so properly and safely. And dont forget to mention that swarming and beating eachother in the face is not the way nice kids mosh. Thank you. This public service announcement has been paid for by the currator and protector of my foot and stomach, and they remind you that it's not my fault if you run over me, it's yours.
Anyways, it's time to get back to my book. I have a report due in less than 2 days and I haven't read the book yet... And this time it's not entirely my fault... damn shot gun weddings...
Peace killas. And remeber. Jesus Loves you. So don't try to kill eachother, or you'll piss him off... And he is one powerful dude...
Homecoming was a mess. I ended up hating Mr...hmm... I don't think I've ever mentioned this guy before.. hmm... Mr.Hampster (as if that's not obvious). I ended up loathing the very sight of him by midnight Saturday. Damn him and his elegant attire and mature qualities that make him so dern mouth watering. I literally needed a mop an bucket to clean all the slober that consiquently flowed from my mouth just from looking at him in his little black suit with his walkie-talkie, running around like a gerbil all night. The day of the homecoming was absolutely agonizing, since I spent most of the day with his parents, two people whom I all but adore. I think it's worse loving his parents than it is being his friend. Being comfortable around them makes me feel like I still have an in, like I still have a chance. But we all know that's not happenin'. (For those f you t hat don't know, Mr. Hampster doesn't love me because I'm "too immature"... beyond belief, I know...)
Anyways, beyond that whole scene, Homecoming reeked of horribleness seeing as it ended with 30 cop cars, a k-9 unit, AND a helicopter. Oh and by the by in case you hadn't already guessed, Black people don't understand the whole mosh pit idea... If you are friends with a black person and they EVER mention mosh pitting, please instruct them on how to do so properly and safely. And dont forget to mention that swarming and beating eachother in the face is not the way nice kids mosh. Thank you. This public service announcement has been paid for by the currator and protector of my foot and stomach, and they remind you that it's not my fault if you run over me, it's yours.
Anyways, it's time to get back to my book. I have a report due in less than 2 days and I haven't read the book yet... And this time it's not entirely my fault... damn shot gun weddings...
Peace killas. And remeber. Jesus Loves you. So don't try to kill eachother, or you'll piss him off... And he is one powerful dude...
Thursday, October 16, 2003
Man CIP is sooooooo boring. "Open the Excel document. Type in the useless information. Save it because you might need it one day" sooooooo lame. I already know how to do all of this cow crud. Oh well. Maybe I'm just cranky. It's too early to expect much of me.
We totally lost our game last night. I blame it on Mr.Mr. He said he "might" come to one of my games. Def. was not there last night and I was hoping he would come. I was distracted. That so-and-so.
So I bought my homecoming ticket yesterday, That was a highly depressing experience. That was the first time I've ever had to by just ONE ticket. One lonely ticket for my one lonely self. I can't believe that none of my guy buddies couldn't take me. :( So-and-so's...
Yay... Pep Rally today. I love Pep Rallies. They're good times. And they're so much more exciting knowing that we have an almost 5 day weekend coming up.
I def. stole B's watch and I seriously think he's not getting it back... Too bad for him...
I have to go and find somewhere to take a nap...
We totally lost our game last night. I blame it on Mr.Mr. He said he "might" come to one of my games. Def. was not there last night and I was hoping he would come. I was distracted. That so-and-so.
So I bought my homecoming ticket yesterday, That was a highly depressing experience. That was the first time I've ever had to by just ONE ticket. One lonely ticket for my one lonely self. I can't believe that none of my guy buddies couldn't take me. :( So-and-so's...
Yay... Pep Rally today. I love Pep Rallies. They're good times. And they're so much more exciting knowing that we have an almost 5 day weekend coming up.
I def. stole B's watch and I seriously think he's not getting it back... Too bad for him...
I have to go and find somewhere to take a nap...
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
Sunday, October 12, 2003
Urg.. I hate him. I totally and completely dislike him more than words can say. Well, okay I can put anything in to words...
I'm totally head-over-heels for Mr.Mr, for those of you who have been following along, and it makes me so annoyed that he has to be NICE to me when it's sooooooo OBVIOUS why we shouldn't be together, and by together I of course mean in the same room.
The worst part of this being that HE'S NICE TO ME. (Again, for those that have been following along) Why would you be nice to someone that you don't really think of fondly? (by fondly I mean love as much and in the same manner that they love you) Why bother? Maybe he does it just because he can. I mean, if some guy came up to me and was like "I like you" and I didn't like him, I would still be flattered. And I would be nice to the guy. But would I flirt with him? Would I let him hug me? Would I hug him? I don't think so... Why doesn't Mr.Mr have the common curtesy to just BE MEAN. MAAARRRR!!! (And why does he have to smell sooooo gooooood???)
I'm totally head-over-heels for Mr.Mr, for those of you who have been following along, and it makes me so annoyed that he has to be NICE to me when it's sooooooo OBVIOUS why we shouldn't be together, and by together I of course mean in the same room.
The worst part of this being that HE'S NICE TO ME. (Again, for those that have been following along) Why would you be nice to someone that you don't really think of fondly? (by fondly I mean love as much and in the same manner that they love you) Why bother? Maybe he does it just because he can. I mean, if some guy came up to me and was like "I like you" and I didn't like him, I would still be flattered. And I would be nice to the guy. But would I flirt with him? Would I let him hug me? Would I hug him? I don't think so... Why doesn't Mr.Mr have the common curtesy to just BE MEAN. MAAARRRR!!! (And why does he have to smell sooooo gooooood???)
Saturday, October 11, 2003
Thursday, October 09, 2003
Tuesday, October 07, 2003
Tell me why nice guys never want to date anyone? I know two perfectly nice young men who have never had a serious relationship. Well, one, the other one had a serious relationship with me and now wants nothing to do with girls until he's married (opps, maybe thats a my bad...) Anyways, nice girls deserve nice guys and they're all in hiding. (I happen to consider myself a nice girl, in case you were wondering.)
At any sad rate, nice boys should get out there and date and show up the not so nice boys, who by the by also don't want to date moi.
I'm really starting to think this is a me thing...
Oh well, between volleyball, church, steering comittee, homecoming, and El Navy, who has time for boys?
Obviously El me-o, Since I have time to write this stupid prose to no one in particular...
At any sad rate, nice boys should get out there and date and show up the not so nice boys, who by the by also don't want to date moi.
I'm really starting to think this is a me thing...
Oh well, between volleyball, church, steering comittee, homecoming, and El Navy, who has time for boys?
Obviously El me-o, Since I have time to write this stupid prose to no one in particular...
My Rockin' college essay (even though I'm not going to college and miss.Iwearsmocksallyearround is making us do this pointless assignment)
I once heard someone comment that when teenagers try to act like adults, they often act more immature than they would if they would just act like teenagers. I know enough about acting like an adult to know that that statement may very well be truer and more thought-provoking than anything else I’ve ever learned in life before and I would venture to guess the same for anything I might learn. Then again, I do have a long way to go.
At any rate, this reliable source, whom I believe was Jenny Jones or maybe even Sally Jesse, made my little fourteen year old head spin. How peculiar. Children behaving like adults behaving like children. The balance of the world as I knew it teetering on the edge of oblivion, I decided that before I freaked and ran into a cave until my 21 birthday (by which time of course I would be an adult and therefore never have to worry about being mistaken for a teenager trying to be an adult trying to be a teenager… yeah…) that I would investigate this “fact”.
If it were true, if teenagers who were trying to be adults were even more immature than just plain teenagers, I was up the river Styx without a paddle, bound for Greenland. Unlike my plain teenager contemporaries, I was one of those “I’m too cool to be a teenager” teenagers. I am not at fault for that though, you see I had no choice; all the adults I know took a rain check when it came to teaching me proper adult mannerisms… or proper teenage ones at that…
Sure, I can excuse myself from a table, and I know which fork to use when, but that’s where my maturity ends. When it comes to having adult relations with someone, forget it. Honestly ask any one of my ex-boyfriend and they’ll agree to the fact that I’m not as mature as my table manners, general etiquette and eloquence suggest.
At that point in my life I thought maturity was all about appearances, because that’s all I had been taught. If it looked like I had a daddy, no one would ask questions. If my mom seemed to be a good single mom because I got good grades in school and could balance a ball on my nose like a seal at sea world, then we had a slightly dented but functional family.
And that’s where people get caught in the trap. That’s where maturity becomes like the illusive panda, bumbling about in the bamboo. It’s something so easy, so obvious, and yet so scarce. Because they think it’s about the look. It’s not the color of the panda it’s the bamboo in it’s tummy. People are immature because they're focusing on how mature they can make themselves appear, instead of just growing. Yeah, that's it. You are mature because you are mature not because you tried to stop being immature, and not because you try to look more mature. I think I get it, but I'm going to stop thinking about it because if I don't, I'll never be able to just grow.
Wow, that took a long time to understand. I hope that’s it though because I don’t think I can rethink that whole thought. Then again “to learn to think is to learn to question…” and I’m just now learning to think, so maybe I’ll re-question that which I thought since that is what started this mess in the first place.
I once heard someone comment that when teenagers try to act like adults, they often act more immature than they would if they would just act like teenagers. I know enough about acting like an adult to know that that statement may very well be truer and more thought-provoking than anything else I’ve ever learned in life before and I would venture to guess the same for anything I might learn. Then again, I do have a long way to go.
At any rate, this reliable source, whom I believe was Jenny Jones or maybe even Sally Jesse, made my little fourteen year old head spin. How peculiar. Children behaving like adults behaving like children. The balance of the world as I knew it teetering on the edge of oblivion, I decided that before I freaked and ran into a cave until my 21 birthday (by which time of course I would be an adult and therefore never have to worry about being mistaken for a teenager trying to be an adult trying to be a teenager… yeah…) that I would investigate this “fact”.
If it were true, if teenagers who were trying to be adults were even more immature than just plain teenagers, I was up the river Styx without a paddle, bound for Greenland. Unlike my plain teenager contemporaries, I was one of those “I’m too cool to be a teenager” teenagers. I am not at fault for that though, you see I had no choice; all the adults I know took a rain check when it came to teaching me proper adult mannerisms… or proper teenage ones at that…
Sure, I can excuse myself from a table, and I know which fork to use when, but that’s where my maturity ends. When it comes to having adult relations with someone, forget it. Honestly ask any one of my ex-boyfriend and they’ll agree to the fact that I’m not as mature as my table manners, general etiquette and eloquence suggest.
At that point in my life I thought maturity was all about appearances, because that’s all I had been taught. If it looked like I had a daddy, no one would ask questions. If my mom seemed to be a good single mom because I got good grades in school and could balance a ball on my nose like a seal at sea world, then we had a slightly dented but functional family.
And that’s where people get caught in the trap. That’s where maturity becomes like the illusive panda, bumbling about in the bamboo. It’s something so easy, so obvious, and yet so scarce. Because they think it’s about the look. It’s not the color of the panda it’s the bamboo in it’s tummy. People are immature because they're focusing on how mature they can make themselves appear, instead of just growing. Yeah, that's it. You are mature because you are mature not because you tried to stop being immature, and not because you try to look more mature. I think I get it, but I'm going to stop thinking about it because if I don't, I'll never be able to just grow.
Wow, that took a long time to understand. I hope that’s it though because I don’t think I can rethink that whole thought. Then again “to learn to think is to learn to question…” and I’m just now learning to think, so maybe I’ll re-question that which I thought since that is what started this mess in the first place.
Friday, October 03, 2003
"you'll get over it... you're stronger than any person who would get frustrated over a lil gossip"
"i honestly have a feeling you will end up with one of those movie like relationships where the couple fits together perfectly and they are so happy."
Yeah... well, we all can dream can't we?
"they arent hurful people, just not used to such vulnverabilty in a person. not that vulnerability is all bad but most people just dont see it often and natural reaction is to go against it rather than with"
"is it bad to be vunerable? is it bad to be a little naive? a little childlike? whats wrong with not being hard and bitter? whats wrong with caring about peoples feelings towards me and being hurt when they try to hurt me? so I'm "weak"? is that a bad thing?"
Just a thought... Maybe immaturity isn't so bad after all.
Wisdom del Joe. Always a good thing. Even Martha Stewart would agree.
"i honestly have a feeling you will end up with one of those movie like relationships where the couple fits together perfectly and they are so happy."
Yeah... well, we all can dream can't we?
"they arent hurful people, just not used to such vulnverabilty in a person. not that vulnerability is all bad but most people just dont see it often and natural reaction is to go against it rather than with"
"is it bad to be vunerable? is it bad to be a little naive? a little childlike? whats wrong with not being hard and bitter? whats wrong with caring about peoples feelings towards me and being hurt when they try to hurt me? so I'm "weak"? is that a bad thing?"
Just a thought... Maybe immaturity isn't so bad after all.
Wisdom del Joe. Always a good thing. Even Martha Stewart would agree.
Thursday, October 02, 2003
I don't get why people can't understand the first amendment. It means that I get to say what I want. Not just me, every American citizen. That means you can disagree with me, and I can disagree with you and we can argue and debate, and neither of us is breaking a law. Isn't that nice? To know that you can say whatever you want and the only thing people can do is get mad? That's why I love the USA. That's why I plan on laying my life on the line to protect it. And so what if I stand up for what I believe is right? Thats allowed too. If no one ever stood up for what they felt was right, we wouldn't have this country. We would be living in a hut under some guy named Rosco Boscovich and standing in line for 3 years for some mac & cheese...
Not the world I'd fancy living in, but if you don't like the freedom we have in America, there are alternatives. If you don't want to hear me talk about God or how much I love Mr.T or how my hair gets frizzy in the summer, THEN TUNE ME OUT. Deal is a four letter word that works oh-so-well in this situation.
It may sound ignorant or ridiculous, but I'm going to say what I choose to say until I'm a threatened with a penalty of some kind (which I won't be, provided I don't pull a fire alarm or get someone falsely put on death row). And you have the right to listen, not listen, speak over me, hate what I say, or live somewhere where they don't let you say anything but "Yes Dick Tator." It's not my place to make sure I don't offend you. It's your place to DEAL.
Sorry, May God warm your heart and help you understand why I feel this way.
"May God bless you and keep you. May God make His face to shine upon you and be gracious unto you. May God lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace. "
Oh and by the way...
haha, I win.
Thank GOD for AMERICA
Not the world I'd fancy living in, but if you don't like the freedom we have in America, there are alternatives. If you don't want to hear me talk about God or how much I love Mr.T or how my hair gets frizzy in the summer, THEN TUNE ME OUT. Deal is a four letter word that works oh-so-well in this situation.
It may sound ignorant or ridiculous, but I'm going to say what I choose to say until I'm a threatened with a penalty of some kind (which I won't be, provided I don't pull a fire alarm or get someone falsely put on death row). And you have the right to listen, not listen, speak over me, hate what I say, or live somewhere where they don't let you say anything but "Yes Dick Tator." It's not my place to make sure I don't offend you. It's your place to DEAL.
Sorry, May God warm your heart and help you understand why I feel this way.
"May God bless you and keep you. May God make His face to shine upon you and be gracious unto you. May God lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace. "
Oh and by the way...
haha, I win.
Thank GOD for AMERICA
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
Man I had like this whole nice intro and my comp froze and it got all deleted... poo
well, in a less eloquent manner, things have hapened. Lots of things. Some important, most not, all things I will forget by next week anyways... so I guess not so important. Bed time anyways. Long day, too little sleep, lost game, english and fire drill make Loui sleepy.
well, in a less eloquent manner, things have hapened. Lots of things. Some important, most not, all things I will forget by next week anyways... so I guess not so important. Bed time anyways. Long day, too little sleep, lost game, english and fire drill make Loui sleepy.
Thursday, September 25, 2003
Monday, September 22, 2003
THE FRUIT OF THE SPIRITS NOT A COCONUT THE FRUIT OF THE SPIRITS NOT A COCONUT IF YOU WANNA BE A COCONUT, YOU MIGHT AS WELL EAT IT, CAUSE THE FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT'S NOT A COCONUT. THE FRUITS ARE LOVE, JOY, PEACE, PATIENCE, KINDNESS, GOODNESS, FAITHFULNESS, GENTLENESS, AND SELF CONTROL. LOVE, JOY, PEACE, PATIENCE, KINDNESS, GOODNESS, FAITHFULNESS, GENTLENESS, AND SELF CONTROL.
Yeah, by that song I'm a produce stand.... right?
Ba-ha.
No seriously, I try, really I do. But there are a lot of 'ness' in there that need to be taken into account... I mean, really, I just learned the song, can anyone really expect me to play it out? Oh well, for those that read AND understood, I'm so lucky to have a friend like you. For those that didn't read/ didn't understand; yes, I'm always like this. Well, I'd better go find something on which to spend my energy. A Demain. Je t'aime avec tout de mon couer...
Yeah, by that song I'm a produce stand.... right?
Ba-ha.
No seriously, I try, really I do. But there are a lot of 'ness' in there that need to be taken into account... I mean, really, I just learned the song, can anyone really expect me to play it out? Oh well, for those that read AND understood, I'm so lucky to have a friend like you. For those that didn't read/ didn't understand; yes, I'm always like this. Well, I'd better go find something on which to spend my energy. A Demain. Je t'aime avec tout de mon couer...
Friday, September 19, 2003
P.S. ASANTI SANA SQUASHED BANANA.
Okay now that thats out of my system, I think I found my Mr. Bunny. For those of you that don't know, as usual, don't ask, it may prove frightening to know what that name might mean, but for those of you that understand the rodentia allusion, yes, he really will allow them.... AND the carrot cake.
This guy is amazing. He's smart and charming and strong and sweet and even a little abrassive, which I like. The best part is, I think he might actually like me. For real for real. And if he doesn't, I won't die. Thats how I know it's cool. Because I'm cool with or without it as long as I know whatever will be is meant to be. I think now after all I've been through, that this kind of someone is just what I need. Not someone that I'm so in love with I'd die for. And not someone that's a Prince Charming. Someone REAL. Something TANGIBLE. Not a dream that couldn't possible be real. Just a normal guy who I have normal, in control feelings for. Maybe no one else gets this, and maybe no one has to. But I get it. I feel safe and most importantly STABLE. Let's just hope it pulls through. No rush though. I'm not going anywhere too important that I can't slow down and wait...
Finally...
Okay now that thats out of my system, I think I found my Mr. Bunny. For those of you that don't know, as usual, don't ask, it may prove frightening to know what that name might mean, but for those of you that understand the rodentia allusion, yes, he really will allow them.... AND the carrot cake.
This guy is amazing. He's smart and charming and strong and sweet and even a little abrassive, which I like. The best part is, I think he might actually like me. For real for real. And if he doesn't, I won't die. Thats how I know it's cool. Because I'm cool with or without it as long as I know whatever will be is meant to be. I think now after all I've been through, that this kind of someone is just what I need. Not someone that I'm so in love with I'd die for. And not someone that's a Prince Charming. Someone REAL. Something TANGIBLE. Not a dream that couldn't possible be real. Just a normal guy who I have normal, in control feelings for. Maybe no one else gets this, and maybe no one has to. But I get it. I feel safe and most importantly STABLE. Let's just hope it pulls through. No rush though. I'm not going anywhere too important that I can't slow down and wait...
Finally...
Sunday, September 14, 2003
Saturday, September 13, 2003
UGH! why do I bother? whats in it for me? Why do I not just consent with myself to remove his sn from my buddylist, stay out of JCPenny's and just freaking forget about him? Why do I read his blog, full of anything but me, and if I am in there it's bad, or worse, passive? WHY DO I BOTHER???
I know nothing is ever going to change and, if I listened to him, it would be all my fault, but I just can't help but try.So I love and I can't let go. So what? Everytime I talk to him, I want to just call out to him, I want to grab on to him and tell him I'm not letting go until a monkey comes and pounds on my head with an arabian coconut. But I don't. Because I have atleast consented not to bother. So instead I DO NOTHING. I talk and I sit and I wait and I wonder, but I don't DO ANYTHING. I don't forget, I don't move on, I don't think rationally.... Whats the point of having a heart if all it does is get broken and stay that way?
I know nothing is ever going to change and, if I listened to him, it would be all my fault, but I just can't help but try.So I love and I can't let go. So what? Everytime I talk to him, I want to just call out to him, I want to grab on to him and tell him I'm not letting go until a monkey comes and pounds on my head with an arabian coconut. But I don't. Because I have atleast consented not to bother. So instead I DO NOTHING. I talk and I sit and I wait and I wonder, but I don't DO ANYTHING. I don't forget, I don't move on, I don't think rationally.... Whats the point of having a heart if all it does is get broken and stay that way?
Friday, September 12, 2003
I have a date to homecoming. So that's hot right? It be hotter if this guy were like Mr. Right, but hey, with all the Mr.'s in my life, I could use a Mr. Friend- enough- to- go- to- homecoming- period. No confussion, no feelings, just crappy music and hot sweaty people to make fun of. And hell, any date beats the date I had last year. Nice guy, but wow that was dumb of me. For those of you that have no idea what I'm talking about, just thank your lucky stars your life isn't half as complex as mine. And if you do know, for the last time, he doesn't usually act like that.
Haha, just joking, Mr. Heartbreaker.
I'm naming my kid Roscoe Boscoe Picotrain. I could never get mad at it if I did. The name just makes me giggle too much. ...
Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do
Haha, just joking, Mr. Heartbreaker.
I'm naming my kid Roscoe Boscoe Picotrain. I could never get mad at it if I did. The name just makes me giggle too much. ...
Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
Okay so I talked to Mr.Geri.... he needs a new name.... Mr....no that would give it away... Hmmm... Mr.Mr, and I told him what was up. That I had a major crush on him and that people were talk talk talking their little hearts out about nothing. So maybe I didn't have to tell him flat out that I had a crush on him, but let's be serious, he def. knew, cause duh, it's me and I am Ms. Obvious. But anyways I apologized because if I didn't have a crush on him, none of this would be happening and I told him I would just lay low. The main thing that annoyed me was the fact that people didn't feel they could come to me and ask me, "Hey are you and Mr.Mr. doing something we should know about?". Because it makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE to talk about it behind our backs and get the "truth" from others who are speculating as well, right? But he said to just tell My 2 friends who were being asked all the questions to tell the nosy people to come to him if they had a problem. oo rah. lol, he didn't say oo rah, but if he had I would have laughed. Then he ever so politely asked "AND HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL" lol, again not his wording but close ("and how do you feel about all of this?") I'm just peachy freakin' keen... another guy I like that I'm not allowed to/ supposed to/ or even close to being with. FIGURES. Oh well I really am okay, I'm used to it. In fact, the time that I have a crush on a guy that can/might/or possibly likes me back may even be a bit of a problem.
I talk about guys a lot don't I?
Oh well... Hey you know whats annoying? "Hey.... you're that girl on the annoucements.... aren't you?" NO I JUST RESEMBLE HER IN STYLE, SPEECH, AND CLOTHING. rrrr....
Volleyball hurts. Play poker instead. (not with a real poker.)
I'm going in the Navy no matter what my english teacher says and thats FINAL.
Read the story of Elijah. I think it's in kings.... not too sure thgough... just read it.
See you at the flagpole, September 17th, 2003 at 7am.
I talk about guys a lot don't I?
Oh well... Hey you know whats annoying? "Hey.... you're that girl on the annoucements.... aren't you?" NO I JUST RESEMBLE HER IN STYLE, SPEECH, AND CLOTHING. rrrr....
Volleyball hurts. Play poker instead. (not with a real poker.)
I'm going in the Navy no matter what my english teacher says and thats FINAL.
Read the story of Elijah. I think it's in kings.... not too sure thgough... just read it.
See you at the flagpole, September 17th, 2003 at 7am.
Monday, September 01, 2003
Okay so here's the question du jour.
Since when did having a crush mean that the relationship the crushess has with the crushee is innappropriate?
I'm a little lost as to when flirting began to hurt my reputation as a chick. So okay I have a crush on Mr.... hmm... these names are getting a bit difficult... Mr. Geri(atrics) Anyways, Mr. Geri is nice and he humors me and whatnot. We have playful INNOCENT flirtation (by innocent I mean he pokes me in the stomach and I poke him back). Now ALL OF A SUDDEN two people that know me pretty well come up to me (seperately) and are like "You're ruining your reputation" and "the apperance of evil is just as bad!" WHAT? APPERANCE OF EVIL? I think people's imaginations are out of control. But what ever. I just hope Mr. Geri isn't mad, this is all my fault after all.... He def. needs a new name.... he's hotter than that name makes him out to be...
I'M A CHRISTIAN NOT AN EXTREMIST (in case you couldn't tell the difference) :)
Since when did having a crush mean that the relationship the crushess has with the crushee is innappropriate?
I'm a little lost as to when flirting began to hurt my reputation as a chick. So okay I have a crush on Mr.... hmm... these names are getting a bit difficult... Mr. Geri(atrics)
I'M A CHRISTIAN NOT AN EXTREMIST (in case you couldn't tell the difference) :)
Friday, August 29, 2003
LARRY: YOU ARE CORNY. BUT YOU ARE THE BIGGEST MACK DADDY I HAVE EVER MET.
Now That I've made that announcement, on to more important things.
I still have a crush
Someone (supposidly) has a crush on me BUT NO ONE KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT HIM.
Cori has a crush, but EVERYONE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT IT.
And that's all thats important. Other than SCHOOL SUCKS AND I WANNA DROP OUT AND HIDE IN A CORNER FOR THE REST OF MY NATURAL LIFE.
And if I hear one more person say "HEY YOU'RE THAT CHICK ON T.V.!!!" I will have to do something about that... Maybe I should wear a disguise....
Everyone should come to my church
Sundays At 11 in franklin square confrence center... or you should all go to your own church... but everyone needs Jesus... and Church is the maison D' Jesus
Okay I'm done.. other than mentioning that I hurt (from Volleyball). OOH! and Mr."sure-I'll-agree-to-take-you-to-YOUR-junior-prom-without-any-persuasion-2-days-before-prom" (A.K.A. Mr. Navydude) (previously unmentioned) CALLED MY HOUSE TO ASK IF HE MIGHT WRITE ME! HE ASKED MY MOM PERMISSION TO WRITE ME FROM BOOTCAMP!!! HOW COOL???!!! I fell like I'm being courted... Goin' Courtin' Goin' Courtin' Oh It Sets your senses in a whirl... Da Da Da Dum Da Da Da Dum...
READ LUKE 7... it's cool. I love Him lots and He's Forgiven SOOOOOO MUCH!
Now That I've made that announcement, on to more important things.
I still have a crush
Someone (supposidly) has a crush on me BUT NO ONE KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT HIM.
Cori has a crush, but EVERYONE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT IT.
And that's all thats important. Other than SCHOOL SUCKS AND I WANNA DROP OUT AND HIDE IN A CORNER FOR THE REST OF MY NATURAL LIFE.
And if I hear one more person say "HEY YOU'RE THAT CHICK ON T.V.!!!" I will have to do something about that... Maybe I should wear a disguise....
Everyone should come to my church
Sundays At 11 in franklin square confrence center... or you should all go to your own church... but everyone needs Jesus... and Church is the maison D' Jesus
Okay I'm done.. other than mentioning that I hurt (from Volleyball). OOH! and Mr."sure-I'll-agree-to-take-you-to-YOUR-junior-prom-without-any-persuasion-2-days-before-prom" (A.K.A. Mr. Navydude) (previously unmentioned) CALLED MY HOUSE TO ASK IF HE MIGHT WRITE ME! HE ASKED MY MOM PERMISSION TO WRITE ME FROM BOOTCAMP!!! HOW COOL???!!! I fell like I'm being courted... Goin' Courtin' Goin' Courtin' Oh It Sets your senses in a whirl... Da Da Da Dum Da Da Da Dum...
READ LUKE 7... it's cool. I love Him lots and He's Forgiven SOOOOOO MUCH!
Friday, August 22, 2003
GRRR. I think I hate being an ex more than I hate having crushes. "Sure, Mr. Heartbreaker, why don't you come over and see my new guitar, just one more way you get to see me unskilled and vunerable and I'll just act like it doesn't phase me at all to spend time around you, watching you do THE SEXIEST THING IN THE WORLD". (P.S. I love guys with guitars...) (P.S.S. I love guys.) That was dumb of me. Very dumb of me. When he left I felt fine. It was the first time we had every hung out where we were just hanging out. But who am I kidding? I love him, I'll always love him. He's my Mr.bunny (don't ask). The only thing in the world I want so badly to do is to forget him and it sucks knowing that I NEVER WILL. NEVER. Maybe thats why these crushes suck. Because no one will ever be another Mr. Heartbreaker. No matter how perfect someone seems for me or just in general, the love I have for them will never compare to the love I have for Mr. Heartbreaker. Likewise, it's painful to know that the love I have for Mr. Heartbreaker will never be "allowed". That's it. I don't have time for this lovey-dovey crap this year. I have to get ready for boot camp. I give up. For real for real. I'm done with men...
Wednesday, August 20, 2003
**Facts of Life**
1. At least 5 people in this world, love you so much they would die for you. (JESUS DID DIE FOR YOU!)
2. At least 15 people in this world love you, in some way. (JESUS LOVES YOU IN EVERY WAY)
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you, is because they want to be
just like you. (YOU SHOULD WANT TO BE JUST LIKE CHRIST)
4. A smile from you, can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like
you. (SO SMILE- IT DON'T HURT!)
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6.You mean the world to someone. (MAKE JESUS YOUR WORLD)
7. Without you, someone may not be living. (IF NOT FOR JESUS, YOU WOULDN"T BE LIVING)
8. You are special and unique, in your own way.( MADE IN THE IMAGE OF GOD)
9. Someone that you don't know even exists, loves you. (IF YOU DON'T KNOW CHRIST-KNOW THAT HE LOVES YOU)
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
11. When you think the world has turned it's back on you, take a look, you
most likely turned your back on the world.(AND/OR JESUS)
12. Always remember complements you received, forget about the rude remarks.
13. Always tell someone how you feel, then they'll know. (Yeah, right. Crushes are soooo much more fun when they're secret.)
14. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they're
great. (THANK YOU JESUS)
:)
1. At least 5 people in this world, love you so much they would die for you. (JESUS DID DIE FOR YOU!)
2. At least 15 people in this world love you, in some way. (JESUS LOVES YOU IN EVERY WAY)
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you, is because they want to be
just like you. (YOU SHOULD WANT TO BE JUST LIKE CHRIST)
4. A smile from you, can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like
you. (SO SMILE- IT DON'T HURT!)
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6.You mean the world to someone. (MAKE JESUS YOUR WORLD)
7. Without you, someone may not be living. (IF NOT FOR JESUS, YOU WOULDN"T BE LIVING)
8. You are special and unique, in your own way.( MADE IN THE IMAGE OF GOD)
9. Someone that you don't know even exists, loves you. (IF YOU DON'T KNOW CHRIST-KNOW THAT HE LOVES YOU)
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
11. When you think the world has turned it's back on you, take a look, you
most likely turned your back on the world.(AND/OR JESUS)
12. Always remember complements you received, forget about the rude remarks.
13. Always tell someone how you feel, then they'll know. (Yeah, right. Crushes are soooo much more fun when they're secret.)
14. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they're
great. (THANK YOU JESUS)
:)
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
1corinthians 13 4-7
Ok you know what? It ABSOLUTELY SUCKS being a teenage girl. I HATE HAVING CRUSHES. I know I've touched on this before (and how sad that within 4 entries I have to start repeating things but whatever) but it's REALLY HORRIBLY ANNOYING to not be able to focus on anything other than boys. Well, A BOY, not boys in general. A man really, wherein lies the problem. The guy I like is a real live MAN. like over 20 way out of my league older dude. So depressing. Horrors of Horrors, THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO TO AVOID HIM. Dern my church family. Not that I would particulary SEEK to avoid him, but it might help not having to see him every week AND it might help if he weren't so completely normal with me. I wish that guys that I know didn't like me would draw the line, you know? Like literally say to me "GO HOME LITTLE GIRL, I HEAR YOUR MOMMY CALLING" (and then proceed to give me a pat on the head for added effect). It would make it sooooooooo much easier to just KNOW from him that he can't stand me. But he CAN stand me, he's nice to me! AND I'M GOING NUTS. Oh well. I never was too good with guys. I never will be. No big surprise there. Alright, I'm done whining. I broke my glasses and my head hurts from squinting, so I think it's time to call it a day. :( only 5 days till school.... mar....
Ok you know what? It ABSOLUTELY SUCKS being a teenage girl. I HATE HAVING CRUSHES. I know I've touched on this before (and how sad that within 4 entries I have to start repeating things but whatever) but it's REALLY HORRIBLY ANNOYING to not be able to focus on anything other than boys. Well, A BOY, not boys in general. A man really, wherein lies the problem. The guy I like is a real live MAN. like over 20 way out of my league older dude. So depressing. Horrors of Horrors, THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO TO AVOID HIM. Dern my church family. Not that I would particulary SEEK to avoid him, but it might help not having to see him every week AND it might help if he weren't so completely normal with me. I wish that guys that I know didn't like me would draw the line, you know? Like literally say to me "GO HOME LITTLE GIRL, I HEAR YOUR MOMMY CALLING" (and then proceed to give me a pat on the head for added effect). It would make it sooooooooo much easier to just KNOW from him that he can't stand me. But he CAN stand me, he's nice to me! AND I'M GOING NUTS. Oh well. I never was too good with guys. I never will be. No big surprise there. Alright, I'm done whining. I broke my glasses and my head hurts from squinting, so I think it's time to call it a day. :( only 5 days till school.... mar....
Thursday, August 14, 2003
BLAH!
I never realized how much I must annoy people. I mean, I know i have my little quirks, but quirks are what make us different, right? They're what make us unique.... Right?
Honestly I mean absolutely no harm when I do things to act cute and presumptuous and flirty and--oh no, I am annoying aren't I? Oh well, if I can deal with hanging out with myself 24/7, then everyone else can handle the hour or two a week they have to spend with me. and if you can't then bugger off...
I never realized how much I must annoy people. I mean, I know i have my little quirks, but quirks are what make us different, right? They're what make us unique.... Right?
Honestly I mean absolutely no harm when I do things to act cute and presumptuous and flirty and--oh no, I am annoying aren't I? Oh well, if I can deal with hanging out with myself 24/7, then everyone else can handle the hour or two a week they have to spend with me. and if you can't then bugger off...
Wednesday, August 13, 2003
okay so I'm not sure what to write, so I'm just going to write everything, and leave out any names. Mr.heartbreaker, formerly known in my private journal as "mr. I'm-going-to-break-up-with-you-because-you-won't-have-sex-with-me-and-then-tell-you-I'm-gay" (shortened for obvious reasons) says it's all my fault. Maybe it is. Maybe I did do something wrong. Maybe I need to learn how to... how to.... oh hell, how not to piss everyone off... So then I'm left wondering A) how NOT to piss everyone off and B) why's it my fault? Oh no what a horrible person I want everyone around me to be happy. Oh no, shoot me in the foot, I'm immature and flighty and maroonish. So, okay I'll take the blame THIS time. But I can't be blamed for the first time. No I WON'T BE. I cried so long the first time we broke up, all my guilt melted under the saline. So screw that.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT>
I have a crush. I hate crushes. I'm such a teenage girl. I wish I could just foget about liking guys. ESPECIALLY perfect guys that go "eww, who created that thing" when they see me and/or listen to me talk.
Again, informal and poorly handled subject change here, how do you tell a guy you were never goingout, You were just "talking"? this guy likes me and I don't think he realizes that I'm not QUITE into him...
Screw guys, you're too much damn work...
Maybe I should delete this whole entry, it makes me sound so... blah. oh well 2 corinthians 12;10...
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT>
I have a crush. I hate crushes. I'm such a teenage girl. I wish I could just foget about liking guys. ESPECIALLY perfect guys that go "eww, who created that thing" when they see me and/or listen to me talk.
Again, informal and poorly handled subject change here, how do you tell a guy you were never goingout, You were just "talking"? this guy likes me and I don't think he realizes that I'm not QUITE into him...
Screw guys, you're too much damn work...
Maybe I should delete this whole entry, it makes me sound so... blah. oh well 2 corinthians 12;10...
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