OH MY GOD OH MY GOD UGH....

Ok, I am a grade a, class one moron!

WHY WHY WHY am I in love with him again? WHY WHY WHY can't I just move on!? WHY WHY WHY WHEN THERE IS NO LOGICAL REASON ON GODS GREEN EARTH DO I MELT AT HIS EVERY TOUCH-- HIS EVERY GLANCE?

I think I will never get over you, Mr. Heartbreaker. My my my what is there to do...

Dear Mr. Heartbreaker:

I am sorry.
I know I hurt you and I wish I could say in all honesty that I didn't mean to, but unfortunatly for you, I did. I made you believe I loved you (which wasn't hard to do because i do love you) and I promised you the world just so I could rip it out from underneath you.

I just couldn't help myself.

If I could plead insanity I would, but I have no one to blame but myself. I cracked under pressure. His words resounded in my head as if it were a 50 foot cavern "I'm done with this." He told me he loved me and he made me believe a world of lies and then he told me I was too immature and stupid and how could I have ever believed that someone as perfect as he was could love someone as flawed as I am?

I had to get back at him. But how?

I devised a plan so decietful, so monstrous, so absurd.

I decided to fall in love. To fall in love with you and to make you fall in love with me and to embarass him. Or to slander him. Or just to get his attention. But, alas, he was impervious. Inattentive. Untouchable.

time for Plan B: I had to make him fall in love with me and pull the same earth shattering ditch on him, claiming I never loved him and ruining his reality.

But the only one close enough was you. You were the only one in sight when I devised my plan so instead of being contented with loving the one man who knew me inside and out, instead of loving you like there were no tomorrow and like I'd never been hurt before- I crushed you. I smashed your belief that I actually loved you, I lied and told you I was done with you.

Now here I am, broken heart in hand, and no one to blame. No where to run. And nothing left.

I should have just loved you. I should ave just accepted who I am and who I was and loved you as best I could.

But I didn't.

I do love you.
And I am sorry.
And there's no one to blame.
Perhaps, just perhaps I am immature...
-Ms. Heartbreaker

ME: ugh Mr.Heartbreaker what are we going to do with me?


Yeah, sometimes the very things I feel make me feel like a fool...

oh lord...

My deja vu...

Country line dancing and Mr. Heartbreaker.

And no I'm not talking about ways I might plot to kill him, nor am I planning a global takover or any other catostrophic event. I am simply relaying to you, most dear and faithful reader, the events of friday night/ saturday morning that make me feel as if I have a slight chance at a thriving social life. Slight, and at that slighty twisted. What am I doing talking to him again? what am I doing hanging out with Mr. "Draw you in with one glance?" perhaps because I am a class A-moron. Or maybe cause he's not such a bad guy.

Who knows...

Mr. Paramour (I cringe everytime I use that word) didn't pass his ASVAB test. I feel like I should help him study or something, but I'm just not allowed. It always seems as though I am compelled to be compassionate towards the wrong people. I had great compassion for Mr. Hampster when his grandmother was sick and look what all that got me-- a whole lotta hurt and an "I'm stuck here no matter what" mantra. What to do What to do??? I think, from now on, it's cut throat policy for me. No one matters but me. Not even the Queen of Denmark...

Sometimes, people who go should just stay gone.

Mr. Hampster came back to town this weekend. He was actually acting like he knew me, which is par for the course when he wants something like two weeks ago when he needed shoes, but this week it just seemed like niceness. I didn't know whether to kick him, cry, or laugh with him and talk about the last three months when we didn't talk about anything. I have so muchI want to tell him and so much I want to talk about and I just haven't been allowed to. I'm not mad, or else I would have kicked him, and I'm not sad or else I would have cried. I just miss him. I miss my best friend. Forever's not too long to be just friends if thats all we were meant to be and I learned that too late. I just want to know what his roomate is like and who he misses most and if he's unpacked and what classes he's taking and who he hangs out with and just everything that's nothing to anyone else. I just want to smell him. And poke him. And laugh at him. God, why does everything have to bee so messed up! Why did we have to ruin this? Why did we ever have to even do this? I don't miss him, I don't hate him, I don't feel bitter, I just-- I just want what was ours to be ours again. I just want to love him and to not be able to say it but to show it and to feel it and to have it.

Some people just stay gone.