Dopey.
Tired.
Weather- beaten.
Cold.
Like Singing.
a little life-drunk.
My simple pleasure for today?
Sleeping alone and knowing that it's the right thing to do.
My secret?
Prayer. Every moment... "when sorrows like Sea billows Roll"
My new Favorite song?
"Not to far from Here"
Best thing to do with my fingers?
Tinkle the ivories.
It can only get better from here.
And, like Dane Cook Says, "I Did my Best."
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
As crude as it may seem...
I will do what i wish to do with my blog.
I WILL comment your comments and blog your comments and talk about your comments and maybe even publish your comments in the FOR SALE section of the Carroll County Times.
Back off, stepy mcgee. You're part of MY show now.
I WILL comment your comments and blog your comments and talk about your comments and maybe even publish your comments in the FOR SALE section of the Carroll County Times.
Back off, stepy mcgee. You're part of MY show now.
Friday, October 19, 2007
What was said after the down fall of Roma...
"Well, I hardly know where to begin.
As I am sure you all well know, He and I have been separated for two weeks now. But as you can imagine, we have struggled through much more time and effort to get to this point. I was, to say the least, especially surpised that you would contact me now that we are having such troubles, but I can only attribute it to everyone's desires for our well being and happiness.
I thank you for this opportunity to share in this experience with you, but I regret to inform you of my true feelings that keep me from this endeavor. Rather than waste everyones time and effort, or in a worse case, rather than join the effort with an unsure heart, I must decline a project that would require me to work so closely with Him and you for such a long amount of time.
While I dealry love you son and have prayed for him, he has allowed such transgressions against my person that I no longer wish to sustain contact with him. He has gambled away more than $1,500 of our money, he has become unmanagable in his alcohol abuse, I suspect him of unfaithfulness among other troubles and I believe that only intensive therapy can help him fight the demons he faces.
I am sorry that I didn't tell you everything when we spoke, but I honestly felt in my heart that he and I could work everything out. As a matter of fact, the night that I recieved your phone call, I left work early to return to our apartment for the first time in two weeks. To make a long story short, when I got there I was not greeted by my husband, but by two prostitutes and an older gentleman weilding crack pipes. You can only imagine my sorrow when He did finally show only to be irrate with his guests for allowing me to enter my own apartment and while cursing his new "friends" for giving him a wrong house number. He said he was on his way to pick up one of their friends, but you can imagine what I believe him to have been looking for.
Someone needs to speak to him. He is more than out of control. He's lost. I know your first reaction is to blame me or my family or our lifestyle. But I assure you, I have done nothing but help him and bare with his insecurities, his wild behavior, and his inconsistancy.
My mother has helped us get his beloved Jeep and pay our rent most of the time while he stole from me and everyone we knew. I have spent many nights alone, wondering if he were safe, only to find him in the downstairs apartment with a known drug dealer and felon. To say that I have not tried to help him would accuse me of never loving him. If I didn't love him, none of this would hurt me to say or to live through.
We have all encouraged him in his strengths and helped him find a job that suits him. We have done nothing but praise his efforts and ultimately overlooks his challenges.
He has promised me the world time and time again, but I don't want the world. Or Greatness. Or Wealth. I just pray for his safety and the deliverance of His peace upon my husband.
Please, take good care of him. Get him professional help. Whether it be a therapist, a drug counselor, a pastor... anything. I wouldn't wish what I have suffered with him on anyone, that is why I suggest you not be alone with him in his time of need. Professionals are trained to help people develop the skills they need while not being hurt by their actions in the end.
I am sorry. I am sorry that I couldn't save him, but ultimately, I can't make the decisions he needs to make for himself. He has to want to be a good and righteous man before he will even here what I want for him.
God Bless, and should you need to contact me, don't be hurt if I don't answer the phone. After all of our financial troubles, I may have to turn it off for a week or so, but I can always reach a computer. I don't even know how to tell you to contact your son. I don't know the company he keeps or where he is, for all I know he's with you now, reading this.
With Love-
A broken hearted Mrs"
To those of you that never knew, I loved him through all of this and more than you could imagine. I believe that to have been my strength and this, my solitude and reflection, my weakness.
"Feeling . . . clamoured wildly. “Oh, comply!” it said. “. . . soothe him; save him; love him; tell him you love him and will be his. Who in the world cares for you? or who will be injured by what you do?” Still indomitable was the reply: “I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself. I will keep the law given by God; sanctioned by man. I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad—as I am now. Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation . . . They have a worth—so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am insane—quite insane: with my veins running fire, and my heart beating faster than I can count its throbs.”
OH CHARLOTTE!
As I am sure you all well know, He and I have been separated for two weeks now. But as you can imagine, we have struggled through much more time and effort to get to this point. I was, to say the least, especially surpised that you would contact me now that we are having such troubles, but I can only attribute it to everyone's desires for our well being and happiness.
I thank you for this opportunity to share in this experience with you, but I regret to inform you of my true feelings that keep me from this endeavor. Rather than waste everyones time and effort, or in a worse case, rather than join the effort with an unsure heart, I must decline a project that would require me to work so closely with Him and you for such a long amount of time.
While I dealry love you son and have prayed for him, he has allowed such transgressions against my person that I no longer wish to sustain contact with him. He has gambled away more than $1,500 of our money, he has become unmanagable in his alcohol abuse, I suspect him of unfaithfulness among other troubles and I believe that only intensive therapy can help him fight the demons he faces.
I am sorry that I didn't tell you everything when we spoke, but I honestly felt in my heart that he and I could work everything out. As a matter of fact, the night that I recieved your phone call, I left work early to return to our apartment for the first time in two weeks. To make a long story short, when I got there I was not greeted by my husband, but by two prostitutes and an older gentleman weilding crack pipes. You can only imagine my sorrow when He did finally show only to be irrate with his guests for allowing me to enter my own apartment and while cursing his new "friends" for giving him a wrong house number. He said he was on his way to pick up one of their friends, but you can imagine what I believe him to have been looking for.
Someone needs to speak to him. He is more than out of control. He's lost. I know your first reaction is to blame me or my family or our lifestyle. But I assure you, I have done nothing but help him and bare with his insecurities, his wild behavior, and his inconsistancy.
My mother has helped us get his beloved Jeep and pay our rent most of the time while he stole from me and everyone we knew. I have spent many nights alone, wondering if he were safe, only to find him in the downstairs apartment with a known drug dealer and felon. To say that I have not tried to help him would accuse me of never loving him. If I didn't love him, none of this would hurt me to say or to live through.
We have all encouraged him in his strengths and helped him find a job that suits him. We have done nothing but praise his efforts and ultimately overlooks his challenges.
He has promised me the world time and time again, but I don't want the world. Or Greatness. Or Wealth. I just pray for his safety and the deliverance of His peace upon my husband.
Please, take good care of him. Get him professional help. Whether it be a therapist, a drug counselor, a pastor... anything. I wouldn't wish what I have suffered with him on anyone, that is why I suggest you not be alone with him in his time of need. Professionals are trained to help people develop the skills they need while not being hurt by their actions in the end.
I am sorry. I am sorry that I couldn't save him, but ultimately, I can't make the decisions he needs to make for himself. He has to want to be a good and righteous man before he will even here what I want for him.
God Bless, and should you need to contact me, don't be hurt if I don't answer the phone. After all of our financial troubles, I may have to turn it off for a week or so, but I can always reach a computer. I don't even know how to tell you to contact your son. I don't know the company he keeps or where he is, for all I know he's with you now, reading this.
With Love-
A broken hearted Mrs"
To those of you that never knew, I loved him through all of this and more than you could imagine. I believe that to have been my strength and this, my solitude and reflection, my weakness.
"Feeling . . . clamoured wildly. “Oh, comply!” it said. “. . . soothe him; save him; love him; tell him you love him and will be his. Who in the world cares for you? or who will be injured by what you do?” Still indomitable was the reply: “I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself. I will keep the law given by God; sanctioned by man. I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad—as I am now. Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation . . . They have a worth—so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am insane—quite insane: with my veins running fire, and my heart beating faster than I can count its throbs.”
OH CHARLOTTE!
Sunday, October 14, 2007
The Misadventures of Young John
Young John read outloud what she had written. "dreams that are nothing and realities that are dreams.... fascinating" He marveled and mused a minute as he pulled her close to him and whispered these utterances and findings and fascinations.
She awoke with a great start. Still half falling, half limb less, she grasped at the air for an alarm that never existed. He handed her the paper and she read aloud about dreams and realities and nothingness.
They paused, both there, both feeling, both in existance. And wondered.
"All motion, including the expansion of the universe, is the result of a disturbance of equilibrium."- Someone smarter than I or Young John.
She awoke with a great start. Still half falling, half limb less, she grasped at the air for an alarm that never existed. He handed her the paper and she read aloud about dreams and realities and nothingness.
They paused, both there, both feeling, both in existance. And wondered.
"All motion, including the expansion of the universe, is the result of a disturbance of equilibrium."- Someone smarter than I or Young John.
Monday, October 01, 2007
I will find peace
Strong? Me? How could you think that i were strong? If I were, I wouldn't have bothered with him. If I were strong like you think, I would have been much more content to sit and wait and wish.
I would have kept on looking or ignoring the love I thought I wanted until it found me and sprung upon me a great peace, rather than the tumultuos deluge the last 2 years have turned out to be.
If I were strong i would have found contentment in the peace of knowing he wasn't for me, rather than chasing him down and forcing him to lie about what he was and who he needed.
Granted i have avoided a greater failing. I have performed preventative maintenance on my life and found a temporary repreive. I can sigh relief for a moment in knowing that things can only get better.
But if I were strong, I would never have had cause to regret whom I chose to give my life to.
I would have kept on looking or ignoring the love I thought I wanted until it found me and sprung upon me a great peace, rather than the tumultuos deluge the last 2 years have turned out to be.
If I were strong i would have found contentment in the peace of knowing he wasn't for me, rather than chasing him down and forcing him to lie about what he was and who he needed.
Granted i have avoided a greater failing. I have performed preventative maintenance on my life and found a temporary repreive. I can sigh relief for a moment in knowing that things can only get better.
But if I were strong, I would never have had cause to regret whom I chose to give my life to.
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