Sorry I haven't written in a while. Jobs take more time than I thought.


Today was the first Sunday of advent and by the time special music was sung I was drippy. The song was moving, but suprisingly little to release from me such a wellspring of tears. It was just something about the song that made me think about everything thats happened this past year. I really have come full circle.

Last year this time, I was with Mr. Hampster and, at that point, thought myself the happiest I'd ever be. I had just started going to New Day about two weeks before advent. I remeber thanksgiving was the first time I met Hampster's family-- the whole family-- cousins and all. I nearly fainted with firght, I was so nervous. It seemed like a hour later, it was Christmas and Hampster and I were kissing on my front porch. Our first kiss. In front of my decked out house. He still kissed me even after he saw the house decorated. Even after his skin was nearly sunburnt and his eyes nearly blinded by the lights, and he still kissed me...and then we broke up. And I thought I would die. I thought if I ever saw him again HE would die.

And here we are. I've accepted Jesus and this is my first Christmas as a Christian. I can see. I can see more than egg nog and christmas lights and presents and parties and more christmas lights and snow and caroling and EVEN MORE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS.... I see Christ. I see the birth of a new life that changed the world. I see Mr. Hampster and I don't hate him. I see him and I see my brother. I see someone who has put up with everything from me. I look at him and I SEE CHRIST.

Now all I have left is to look in the mirror and see Christ.

My life is not my own...
And I'm glad.

Whispers of Temptation

I, much concerned with life
Saw the skull beneath the skin
And lustful creatures all around
Lean forward with lips full and grin.

Dead brown roots instead of balls
Drain the attention of wandering eyes
He knew my rambuncitious thoughts
Called in by lusts and luxeries.

He, I guessed, was a hands-on learner
Who could control not his fervor
To seize. And force. And dictate.
Calmed by nothing but that which penetrates

His flesh knew not patience,
His hand an expert beyond experience,
My body not yet a temple,
And I, quickly lead by harsh desires.


* * *

Summer was nice : The extreme heat
Gave way to naked skin
For short, but sweet unknown release
Giving fruitless promises of bliss.

Fro a chaise lounge,
On can see a world.
Observing, planning, asserting.
Scheming. Mouth-watering.

From which he pounced;
and with quick declaration.
"I lust for you"
A force on my subtlty.

Even the slightest hint
Aroused a deeper cry
For flames that danced between
To keep the empty warm.

"why does she keep calling me if she doesn't want to go out with me?"

The more I roll those words over in my mind, the more I think my only friend in the world is a lying sack of poo... either that or she's as deaf as a slug... your call.

My birthday sucked. I was totally kidding myself about the not needing gifts or a party. LOL, no not really, it was all good until El Papi yelled at me for (oh just guess I know you know this one) yup, you got it, church. The only thing I actually care about and I get nothing but admonished about it... Oh well...

I get to call my recruiter soon.

My english teacher is nuts. She says if I don't apply to college she won't pass me for the quater. Screw that. Monkey pants...

My pastor is such a nerd. Miss. Pastor's wife was like "pastor has the number of a boy for you" So I was like "YOYOYO PASTA HOOK ME UP WID DA HOTTIE!!" and he was like "herrre be his digits" and it was definately the number of a guy who came and sang at our church. A very nice, VERY cute guy, but I already have his number and, oh yeah, HE'S LIKE 25!!!

GRR... Not helping Pastor... I surely don't need another Mr.Mr...

I'm probably going to make a million and one entries today, since it's MY BIRTHDAY and all, but I think you (the reader) will deal. Or you'll stop reading all together, which would be unfortunate, but of no great consequence to me seeing as it's not like I get paid to write this stuff and I think I only have like 2 readers anyways.

I'm so excited. I kept telling myself I wouldn't get my hopes up for today, but I'm glad I'm 17. I'm glad I'm getting older. And I don't have to have a big party or get any gifts to be like this, I'm just content to be joyful all by my lonesome.

Well, time to go back to databases

People are gay
But thats okay
A special for today
Since it's my birthday

:)

Oh sweet I finally found a computer that can access my blog after rolling around the computer lab for about 3 hours! (okay... so thats a slight exageration, though I'm still rightly frustrated...)

Work was fun, as always. I'm just so glad I get paid to work in a shoe store. The shoes sell themselves, all I do is ring things up and talk to people about how cute their shoes are. God made me to do retail.

Hmph... My birthday is in 2.5 days, and I'm super anxious. More so than I thought I'd be. Maybe even more than last year, though last year I had my boo-boo to be anxious about. For those of you that don't know, "my boo-boo" was the fond reference I made to the man I now call Mr. Hamster. Mr. Hamster used to be the name I called him when he pissed me off and the only person I had to talk to was Mr.Heartbreaker.

Gollie, things are different this year... No boo-boo, though Mr.Hamster and I are friends, no Mr. Heartbreaker AT ALL, even though we were friends, and the friendship between Mr.Geri and myself steadily cooling... Lotsa new rules to learn. I hate trying to figure out how to treat which person. People should come with detailed instruction manuals....In both english and french...

Speaking of Mr. Hamster, his mommy sent me the nicest birthday card. She needs to have another baby (a boy) so that I can marry him... I just want to be her daughter-in-law, I'm not too particular on who I get to marry.

Maybe I can get her to adopt me...

I'm using a lot of elipses today. Sorry about that. Did you know that the King James Version of the bible has less than 700 different words in it? I just thought that was interesting. I wonder how many different words my blog entry contains on this lovely November day. I suppose I could begin to put to use the vast knowledge of modifiers and unusual, often time obscure vocabulary I possess so as to grow the numbers and impress those that might take the time to count.

Then again, I don't have all that kind of time...

MARR..

WORK WORK WORK WORK WORK
I have to work tonight, tomorrow night and Saturday night... But I get paid and I get to see Frankie, the Hot Mormon rent-a-piggie on the Avenue. I hope he's not from Mars... Or 28...

Well, better get back to learning about tables and databases...

So I can't spell... is Mr. Mesocricetus auratus better?

Anyways, People are funny. Just in general. They get all mad when they screw up. I don't think humans will ever take credit for their own mistakes unless it gets them shagged... "Oh you broke a lamp and offered to pay for it... thats HOTT"... hahaha..

MAWAGE...MAWAGE IS WHAT BWINGS US TOGEVAH TOODAY...

I have some extra time on my hands today in CIP 1, and I have decided to use that time by writing more so whoever is reading this has more to read... as if anyone needs more of me...

Mr. Hampster did something really interesting. I don't want to say what it is, because too many people know anyways, but it's one of those, "wow... why are you being so nice?" kind of things. He confusses me. Maybe it's just my general distrust of people or maybe he's secretly in love with me, but I just can't think of a reasons for him to be so nice to me...

Oh well, there are plenty on mean people out there that in a week, I will have forgotten the nice thing he did this week anyways.

Thank God for Veterans day. For real For real.

It just helps me to remember that I live in a wonderful place. A place where people fight for our freedom. People risk their lives to alow me to do things like speaking my mind and living in freedom.

Jesus was the one and true Veteran, ending the fight and promising that we shall be free. But those who fight her secure our freedom now, and rI pray that God should bless them and keep them and make his face shine upon them.

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND THOSE WHO WOULD DIE TO MAKE US FREE...

Brit-toe-knee said that I use to many big words. I think her intellect is just supine due to the disinforming quadratist society in which our delicate minds are form-fitted for television viewing...

Hahaha...

You look at me,
And you think you see
All there is
Is all I'll be.
I'll tell you now,
Though I can't explain how,
That someday soon
Someway Somehow
I'll be everything God has set before me to be
If I rely on Jesus faithfully.

My world is crazy,
Tears make my view hazy,
My own family debates me
and My place in this world.
But no matter how down
Or discouraged I get,
Jesus is my rock,
My own tournequet.

He makes me whole,
He binds my wounds.
No matter how dusty the road may be,
Jesus is always there,
even if he's hard to see.

One of these days,
It'll all be peachy
Until then, I'll keep on reaching
His arms outstretched,
To bear the load
He carried his cross
One for the whole.

I'll never forget
The blood that was shed
The pain that He bore,
Just for me to know God more.
Without Jesus,
We'd be without light,
God's mercy now freely given,
With great joy and delight.
For now we're forgiven
All sins and shame vanish,
We can come freely to our God,
We're no longer banished.

Jesus broke the wall
We built in the fall
When Jesus died,
He did it for God's love of us all.

So in freedom I write,
That in God's sight,
I'm forgiven and loved
As a child of Light.
No matter how down or discouraged I can be,
My God, through Jesus, can see the good in me.

I thank you, Oh Lord, for you sacrifice
The ticket to heaven so perfectly given
I was Reborn in love extended to all,
And now I know what it means to be living.
With every fiber in me,
When I am all that I can be,
I will have fulfilled God's purpose,
With the life He has redeemed.

UGH! DERN GOOD FOR NOTHING GUIDANCE COUNSELORS!

"guide me, oh great counselor, I need your assistance in this oh so important matter."
"certainly, oh lowly peasant, I will help you, for it is sure you cannot figure things out for yourself."
"bless you, oh lord counselor"

Leave it to someone whose job it is to help you to screw things up even more!

So here's the story:

I go to see my counselor for my senior check-up.
She says I'm on target for graduation.
She says "what are you doing after graduation, oh lowly peasant?"
(well, okey minus the lowly peasant part...)
I say, "El Navy, Senora Couselor-o"
(En Englais)
She says, "Surely not, no! No one was alive then!"
(Minus the Eddie Izzard reference...)
She continues, "A maid as able to earn A's as yourself should not go into the lowly and undeserving post of protecting our country... wouldn't you rather be a designer or an accountant?"
"umm... No."
(The only thing that was ACTUALLY said the way I wrote it...)
"WHAT?! NO?! NO COLLEGE, NO FUTURE LADY! YOU BETTER GET A BACK UP PLAN IN CASE YOU WIMP OUT OF 'EL NAVY'!!!"
And she added a quieter, yet more forcefully, "Why, If I had a daughter as whacko as you I surely would not have a daughter..."
So I said, quietly and complacently, "Ok..."
"OKAY? OKAY?! YOU HAVE TO HAVE A BACK UP PLAN YOU HAVE TO APPLY TO 236 COLLEGES ON THE EAST COAST, AND 567 ABROAD AND ON THE WEST COAST SO YOU CAN HAVE ATLEAST 5 TO CHOOSE FROM AND FILL OUT 678,987,998 FINANCIAL AID PACKETS AND SCHOLARSHIP APPLICATIONS, JUST IN CASE."
"ok... Why?"
"Because you'll miss important and enriching opportunities that YOU MUST HAVE OR ELSE YOU'LL ROT IN A FIERY HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY!! MUHAHA, MUHAHAHAHAHA!"
(flames shoot up, her eyes go black, and people outside her office company about the smell of brimstone...yuck.)
"Maybe... it makes sense. I'll talk to my parents about it... Now can I go, PLEASE?"

LATER THAT EVENING
"Ma, this whacko lady at school says I should have a back up plan and I think she might have a good idea... I'm gonna go to this college fair and fill out these forms, just in case--"
(my sister in law chimes in, because of course everything said between my mother and I is automatically her business, for she is an all-knowing goddess of everything...)
"you are dumb. The fact that you are even considering other options show me that you can hack the Navy. You need to not listen to what everyone else says, this lady is nuts, you can get scholarships later, you don't have to apply now and if you do apply now, you might as well just forget about the Navy, because I can tell you don't really want to go"
(another ACTUAL statement)
Mom chimes in, unusually calm, "Whatever you want to do, but if you apply, you can pay for all the applications because I don't have the money."
(Again, actual, and expected, response.)

I knew what my mom would say. Hell, I knew what my sister would say to. But she had no right to. She had no reason to. She just did. The first thing she says to me in an entire blissfully silent week, and afterwards, when I get upset that I've been insulted and marrooned on an emotional island during a monsoon, it of course is my fault because she gets overdramatic with me and I upset her when I tell her that I wish she would just let me talk to my mother without getting all up in my biz-nass.

I literally can't take this. Not right now, not ontop of birthday blues and Mr.Hampster blues, and Mr.Mr blues and school and work... I'm gonna go BONKERS, as if I'm not already...

I wonder if anyone actually reads this. This is the most interesting form of communication I've yet to stumble across. I think it's interesting that this thing has become more about my points of view and less and less about what actually occurs in my life. It's just interesting how things work out. And I guess it's good because who would want to read all about what happens without knowing anything that they could actually respond to?

oi... Wisdom del this kid in my computer class. oi.

My birthday is coming up, and of course, so are the annual "birthday blues". I hate getting older. It's just one more year Mr. Biological procreator is missing. I was going to say Mr.Father, but he doesn't get that name. Stupid men...

Mr.Mr is occuping far too much of the space in my brain. He's definatly too old and definatly uninterested and I should definatly move on before I actually start thinking he might maybe possibly have some tiny minisucle inkling of longing or desire for just the slightest moment of my presence...

Well, I have to go and try and find something else to think about...

Bible study was great. I'm still happy about that. It's amazing how one thing can make you feel so good, especially after all that stuff hit the fan last week. My sister in law still won't talk to me, which may prove to be a good thing...

At any rate, Church was good yesterday. It was the same sermon that we heard Saturday night at contemporary worship, but it seemed to hit home. "TROUBLES make us TRUST." Logical enough, but I'm still struggling. But I think thats okay. "It's not okay to be angry with God, but you can struggle with what he wants you to do." Wisdom del Pastor Dave.

Mr.Mr was interesting Saturday night, but I'm not sure I should type why, since someone reading this might know him. Let's just say he's close on the heels of Mr.Hampster as "Mr. Always knows what to say."

I can't wait. My birthday is in less than three weeks. After that I get to see my recruiter. WOOHOO! Man, I can't believe it's already that time. Mr.Navy is due home soon, too. He's called me atleast once a week since he's been in A school. (He's an AO... If you know what that means...) I.Y.A.A.Y.A.S. hahaha...

Well, better go... "Enter data... blah blah blah..."

Woohoo for places we can all fit in...

I just got back from Bible study with the young adults. For the first time in a long time I felt at home. I felt like I was where God needed me to be. That was exciting. There I was, conversating with a 28 year old, 4 years the senior of Mr.Mr, and she and I were going through the same things. And what she said I could identify with. And I want to help her. I hardly know her and I want to help out my sister in Christ just because she's my sister. It was amazing. And whats better? Mr.Mr drove me home and said that HE felt that I was in the right place. So it wasn't just me being comfortable, it really was me belonging.

Wow. I belong. In a family. And I have a home. I'm very near to becoming a stable, well-adjusted young adult.

Let's see what will happen next week to ultimately change and probably ruin everything...

TROUBLES make us TRUST.