AHHHH! Mr.Mr and Mr.Mr's truck! That was exciting!

I guess that sounds really bad without an explanation.
After al thats happened this week, I didn't think it was such a good idea to expect my mom to come and pick me up Monday night from band, so I asked for a ride and guess who decided to give me one? Need I say "woohoo"? So he drove me home and we sat and talked in his truck for atleast a half an hour. No big deal really, it was just nice to have someone to talk to and that that someone was him. And we talked about everything; My ex, his ex, how lonely life can be, how my family is a challenge and how okay that is and just about a million other things. SO EXCITING.

It's not like this changes anything, I'm still a little girl and he's still Mr.Mr, but it certainly made me feel better. Just having someone to talk to that could help me and isn't psycho condiscending or judgemental. Defenatly a nice way to spend my time.

Anyways, other than that things have been ubber uneventful. Other than pining over Mr. Hampster (which happens naturally anyways) life's been next to boring. Maybe it would be more fun if my glasses weren't indisposed and I could actually see 2 feet in front of me. Maybe it doesn't matter...

Toodle-loo, Gotta get back to CIP "enter the data. Make a graph. Save because you have to... blah blah blah-dee-blah"

I don't get people. Seriously, they drive me nuts. Not only do I not understand my peers, but adults, children, and everything in between have me completely stumped.

I'm sorry I was born. I can't change that fact. I can't undo the mistake my parents made. I'm sorry if you wish I could and I'm sorry if you want me to own up to it, but I can't and I won't. It's not my mistake.

I'm sorry I act the way I do. I'm sorry you think I'm arrogant, immature, naieve, stupid, innsensitive, and undeserving of your love.

But it's not my fault. I promise you it's not my fault. I can't help who I was made to be. That's not to say that I dissown all the bad things I've done in the past. That's not to say that I think anyone is wrong for thinking ill of me. It's to say that I can't help how you see me. I can only try to improve your view of me. And I can only do that much if you give me a chance to.

I'm trying to change. I'm trying to be better. But if you refuse to stop yelling long enough to hear me say I'm sorry, if you refuse to turn your head my way and watch me struggling with whats right and wrong, then you'll never have the chance to see what I'm becoming. What I'm TRYING to become.

I know I don't deserve it. I know I should just leave now and not even wait for even a crumb of forgiveness and patience to fall from your table. But I can't just give up. I can't. You want me to change and I'm tryng to change, I'm trying to be better and all you do is assume that I can never change. But in assuming that, you don't give me room enough to change. It's like putting a pound of bread dough in a tupperware container in a cold fridge and then cursing the bread because it won't rise.

Just this one chance is all I'm asking for. Just give me one chance to show you that I'm atleast trying. If you still think I'm arrogant, self-centered, immature, and worthless then I'll just leave. I'll just walk out the door, bags packed and never expect to hear from anyone again. But don't ask me to stay here with people who don't know what maturity, kindness, patience, and love are and then expect me to blossom into a wonderful, tolerant, soft-spoken, greatful person. It's not going to happen if you won't let it.

How, if Mr."I always say that right thing" (Mr. Hampster) can forgive me a million times for the horrible things I've put him through, most of them inntentional, henous, malicious, and hurtful, can you not forgive the mistakes I've made? didn't mean to be born. Forgive me for acting like a lost, sad, lonely child and let me try to be an adult.

Okay I have been inspired to write something that no one wants to hear but I feel is of utmost importance. Read on if you dare, or just say the usual mutterance of contempt under your breath about me and go away.

What is wrong with you people? Why are people always so melancholy and so blind as to how to fix it when the answers are all right there? All my friends do is bitch and moan, moan and bitch, and all I have to tell you is that Jesus loves you. Which just makes you bitch and moan more. Why not just take it for what it is and be greatful?

Take Mr. Heartbreaker, for example. He is gonna totally hate me for this but let me borrow something from his blog. (NOTE: I DIDN'T GET PERMISSION TO DO THIS SO IF YOU KNOW HIM SPARE MY LIFE AND DON'T TELL HIM I DID IT) He writes,

"...well, i just talked to (The new mrs.) for a good hour and a half, and the fact that she cares about me is one of the ONLY things that can put a genuine smile on my face these days. in summation: i hate my life. i hate my parents. i have absolutely no hope or faith in anything anymore, and my only purpose in life, at all, is to consume energy, stay alive, and gamble that one in a trillion chance that one day, this will all get better."

A.) Why is it a surprise that anyone should love him when I tell him nearly everytime I talk to him that Jesus Loves Him?
B.) Why does he have no faith? Why, when it is so easy to gain Faith Hope And Love in one swoop, do the young people of this generation run to find something more "substantial" more "real"? Pray, tell me what is more real than Love or Hope or Faith? Nothing cause you all are looking for it and laughing at me when I tell you precisely were to find it... well the nice ones are laughing...
C.) and DUH OF COURSE THINGS WOULD BE BETTER IF EVERYONE COULD JUST OPEN UP THEIR COTTON PICKIN' EARS AND FRIGGIN LISTEN TO THE WORDS COMIN' OUTTA MAH MOUF!!
Jesus Loves you. Thats all I got. If that ain't good enough, than it's you own cotton-pickin' fault....

...and what?

Sometimes I don't write because my life is so completely boring it merits no record whatsoever. And sometimes I don't write because I'm just too dern busy. This was one of those "My head's going to cave in if I don't get to sit down alone and just friggin chill" kinda weeks.

Homecoming was a mess. I ended up hating Mr...hmm... I don't think I've ever mentioned this guy before.. hmm... Mr.Hampster (as if that's not obvious). I ended up loathing the very sight of him by midnight Saturday. Damn him and his elegant attire and mature qualities that make him so dern mouth watering. I literally needed a mop an bucket to clean all the slober that consiquently flowed from my mouth just from looking at him in his little black suit with his walkie-talkie, running around like a gerbil all night. The day of the homecoming was absolutely agonizing, since I spent most of the day with his parents, two people whom I all but adore. I think it's worse loving his parents than it is being his friend. Being comfortable around them makes me feel like I still have an in, like I still have a chance. But we all know that's not happenin'. (For those f you t hat don't know, Mr. Hampster doesn't love me because I'm "too immature"... beyond belief, I know...)

Anyways, beyond that whole scene, Homecoming reeked of horribleness seeing as it ended with 30 cop cars, a k-9 unit, AND a helicopter. Oh and by the by in case you hadn't already guessed, Black people don't understand the whole mosh pit idea... If you are friends with a black person and they EVER mention mosh pitting, please instruct them on how to do so properly and safely. And dont forget to mention that swarming and beating eachother in the face is not the way nice kids mosh. Thank you. This public service announcement has been paid for by the currator and protector of my foot and stomach, and they remind you that it's not my fault if you run over me, it's yours.

Anyways, it's time to get back to my book. I have a report due in less than 2 days and I haven't read the book yet... And this time it's not entirely my fault... damn shot gun weddings...

Peace killas. And remeber. Jesus Loves you. So don't try to kill eachother, or you'll piss him off... And he is one powerful dude...

Man CIP is sooooooo boring. "Open the Excel document. Type in the useless information. Save it because you might need it one day" sooooooo lame. I already know how to do all of this cow crud. Oh well. Maybe I'm just cranky. It's too early to expect much of me.

We totally lost our game last night. I blame it on Mr.Mr. He said he "might" come to one of my games. Def. was not there last night and I was hoping he would come. I was distracted. That so-and-so.

So I bought my homecoming ticket yesterday, That was a highly depressing experience. That was the first time I've ever had to by just ONE ticket. One lonely ticket for my one lonely self. I can't believe that none of my guy buddies couldn't take me. :( So-and-so's...

Yay... Pep Rally today. I love Pep Rallies. They're good times. And they're so much more exciting knowing that we have an almost 5 day weekend coming up.

I def. stole B's watch and I seriously think he's not getting it back... Too bad for him...

I have to go and find somewhere to take a nap...

B: so what are you doing right now?
Me: telling joe how much I love him
B: oh lol, cool, i dont know why he doesnt just put out

Possible THE funniest thing anyone has EVER said to me... 10 points for you, B. Good form.

"This is Bosco, do you copy Rosco? I SAID DO YOU COPY??"
"Of course I copy, you think anyone else listens to you talk?"
"Good point"
"Of Course it's a good point, thats why I'm ROSCO and you're BOSCO..."
"Why's that?"
"Cause I'm the smart one, duh"
"...ohhh...."

Urg.. I hate him. I totally and completely dislike him more than words can say. Well, okay I can put anything in to words...

I'm totally head-over-heels for Mr.Mr, for those of you who have been following along, and it makes me so annoyed that he has to be NICE to me when it's sooooooo OBVIOUS why we shouldn't be together, and by together I of course mean in the same room.

The worst part of this being that HE'S NICE TO ME. (Again, for those that have been following along) Why would you be nice to someone that you don't really think of fondly? (by fondly I mean love as much and in the same manner that they love you) Why bother? Maybe he does it just because he can. I mean, if some guy came up to me and was like "I like you" and I didn't like him, I would still be flattered. And I would be nice to the guy. But would I flirt with him? Would I let him hug me? Would I hug him? I don't think so... Why doesn't Mr.Mr have the common curtesy to just BE MEAN. MAAARRRR!!! (And why does he have to smell sooooo gooooood???)

MMM... I smell like Mr.Mr. Yummy. Happy birthday... Damn so and so... getting older. Sheesh. Least he could do would be to wait up for me or something...

Quote du jour del mi-o:
"It's not the color of the panda, it's the bamboo in its tummy"

Thats all I got for today... That and does anyone wanna take me to my homecoming??? Anyone at all?

Tell me why nice guys never want to date anyone? I know two perfectly nice young men who have never had a serious relationship. Well, one, the other one had a serious relationship with me and now wants nothing to do with girls until he's married (opps, maybe thats a my bad...) Anyways, nice girls deserve nice guys and they're all in hiding. (I happen to consider myself a nice girl, in case you were wondering.)

At any sad rate, nice boys should get out there and date and show up the not so nice boys, who by the by also don't want to date moi.

I'm really starting to think this is a me thing...

Oh well, between volleyball, church, steering comittee, homecoming, and El Navy, who has time for boys?

Obviously El me-o, Since I have time to write this stupid prose to no one in particular...

My Rockin' college essay (even though I'm not going to college and miss.Iwearsmocksallyearround is making us do this pointless assignment)

I once heard someone comment that when teenagers try to act like adults, they often act more immature than they would if they would just act like teenagers. I know enough about acting like an adult to know that that statement may very well be truer and more thought-provoking than anything else I’ve ever learned in life before and I would venture to guess the same for anything I might learn. Then again, I do have a long way to go.
At any rate, this reliable source, whom I believe was Jenny Jones or maybe even Sally Jesse, made my little fourteen year old head spin. How peculiar. Children behaving like adults behaving like children. The balance of the world as I knew it teetering on the edge of oblivion, I decided that before I freaked and ran into a cave until my 21 birthday (by which time of course I would be an adult and therefore never have to worry about being mistaken for a teenager trying to be an adult trying to be a teenager… yeah…) that I would investigate this “fact”.
If it were true, if teenagers who were trying to be adults were even more immature than just plain teenagers, I was up the river Styx without a paddle, bound for Greenland. Unlike my plain teenager contemporaries, I was one of those “I’m too cool to be a teenager” teenagers. I am not at fault for that though, you see I had no choice; all the adults I know took a rain check when it came to teaching me proper adult mannerisms… or proper teenage ones at that…
Sure, I can excuse myself from a table, and I know which fork to use when, but that’s where my maturity ends. When it comes to having adult relations with someone, forget it. Honestly ask any one of my ex-boyfriend and they’ll agree to the fact that I’m not as mature as my table manners, general etiquette and eloquence suggest.
At that point in my life I thought maturity was all about appearances, because that’s all I had been taught. If it looked like I had a daddy, no one would ask questions. If my mom seemed to be a good single mom because I got good grades in school and could balance a ball on my nose like a seal at sea world, then we had a slightly dented but functional family.
And that’s where people get caught in the trap. That’s where maturity becomes like the illusive panda, bumbling about in the bamboo. It’s something so easy, so obvious, and yet so scarce. Because they think it’s about the look. It’s not the color of the panda it’s the bamboo in it’s tummy. People are immature because they're focusing on how mature they can make themselves appear, instead of just growing. Yeah, that's it. You are mature because you are mature not because you tried to stop being immature, and not because you try to look more mature. I think I get it, but I'm going to stop thinking about it because if I don't, I'll never be able to just grow.
Wow, that took a long time to understand. I hope that’s it though because I don’t think I can rethink that whole thought. Then again “to learn to think is to learn to question…” and I’m just now learning to think, so maybe I’ll re-question that which I thought since that is what started this mess in the first place.

"you'll get over it... you're stronger than any person who would get frustrated over a lil gossip"

"i honestly have a feeling you will end up with one of those movie like relationships where the couple fits together perfectly and they are so happy."

Yeah... well, we all can dream can't we?

"they arent hurful people, just not used to such vulnverabilty in a person. not that vulnerability is all bad but most people just dont see it often and natural reaction is to go against it rather than with"
"is it bad to be vunerable? is it bad to be a little naive? a little childlike? whats wrong with not being hard and bitter? whats wrong with caring about peoples feelings towards me and being hurt when they try to hurt me? so I'm "weak"? is that a bad thing?"

Just a thought... Maybe immaturity isn't so bad after all.

Wisdom del Joe. Always a good thing. Even Martha Stewart would agree.

I don't get why people can't understand the first amendment. It means that I get to say what I want. Not just me, every American citizen. That means you can disagree with me, and I can disagree with you and we can argue and debate, and neither of us is breaking a law. Isn't that nice? To know that you can say whatever you want and the only thing people can do is get mad? That's why I love the USA. That's why I plan on laying my life on the line to protect it. And so what if I stand up for what I believe is right? Thats allowed too. If no one ever stood up for what they felt was right, we wouldn't have this country. We would be living in a hut under some guy named Rosco Boscovich and standing in line for 3 years for some mac & cheese...

Not the world I'd fancy living in, but if you don't like the freedom we have in America, there are alternatives. If you don't want to hear me talk about God or how much I love Mr.T or how my hair gets frizzy in the summer, THEN TUNE ME OUT. Deal is a four letter word that works oh-so-well in this situation.

It may sound ignorant or ridiculous, but I'm going to say what I choose to say until I'm a threatened with a penalty of some kind (which I won't be, provided I don't pull a fire alarm or get someone falsely put on death row). And you have the right to listen, not listen, speak over me, hate what I say, or live somewhere where they don't let you say anything but "Yes Dick Tator." It's not my place to make sure I don't offend you. It's your place to DEAL.

Sorry, May God warm your heart and help you understand why I feel this way.

"May God bless you and keep you. May God make His face to shine upon you and be gracious unto you. May God lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace. "

Oh and by the way...
haha, I win.

Thank GOD for AMERICA

Man I had like this whole nice intro and my comp froze and it got all deleted... poo

well, in a less eloquent manner, things have hapened. Lots of things. Some important, most not, all things I will forget by next week anyways... so I guess not so important. Bed time anyways. Long day, too little sleep, lost game, english and fire drill make Loui sleepy.