I feel better about everything lately.

I've been thinking a lot lately (being as I've been stuck in the igloo for like 27 million days with nothing to do but knit- knit and think knit and think-- thats it!) And I think I'm okay with everything.

I am going in the Navy. I started filling out and application to college but I'm not going to finish. I was doing it for them, not me. Them being anyone who doesn't get me or want to try to get me...

I am okay that Mr.Hampster might get married to a very beautiful blonde before I ever get married (if I ever get married). I think I will and I know he'll be just the right guy. Better than a dozen Mr.Hampsters...

I'm okay that no matter how hard I try, some people will just never like the fact that I'm alive and I just have to live with them...literally...

I am just plain okay...

I have a purpose here even if I don't get it. Heartache and let-downs have their place to, even though I'll never get that. And I am OKAY.

I think...

GRADUATION DAY BLUES

Everyone’s rearranging-their all changing
What it is what it has to be
I’m just left here standing- Feeling a little stranded
And I don’t know what’s left to do
Shipping the supplies- boxing up our lives
Catching the next bus to anywhere

It seems like they’re unafraid-Ready for change
But I’m not no I’m not-
I’m not ready to let it go
Let it grow, Let it mold into something new
Does anyone feel what I’m going through?

I’m finally where I’m meant to be
You can’t take that away from me
Tell me to leave- tell me to walk away
From the only place that I feel safe
The only place that calls me home

I’m not no I’m not
I’m not ready to let it go
Let it grow, Let it mold into something new
Doesn’t anyone know what I’m going through?

The rest of our lives- Cutting all ties
Start it over and over again
I don’t want to leave but I can’t stay
And I can’t hold on to today
When it’s all going to fade away

Well it’s too late to hesitate
Pack it up, get on your way
Cause I can’t stay in yesterday
Tomorrows just a day away

But I’m not no I’m not
I’m not ready to let it go
Let it grow, Let it mold into something new
Can anyone help me make it through?

Miss.Loquacious (a.k.a. my best friend with far too much estrogen): "What is going on HERE?"
Me: "they're putting up drywall-"
Miss.L:"NO YOU DINGLE BERRY! HEEEERE!"
ME: Looks at Mr.Hampster who is completely oblivious with his headphones on "OH! Nothing..."
Miss.L:" Nothing? Why not? MR.HAMPSTER!!! WHY IS THERE NOTHING?"
Mr.Hampster: "Oh it's not nothing it's DRYWALL."
Miss.L: "NOOOO! NOT THAT HEEERE!!!!" (makes an exageratted hand jesture and nearly knocks over the DRYWALL)
Mr.Hampster: "OHH!! Nothing."
Miss.L: "NOTHING? WHY NOTHING!?"
Me: "Because there's nothing."
Miss.L: "WHY is there nothing?"

I'd like to know the same thing Miss.L.
The easy way to think about it (one day at a time) is that there's nothing because there's nothing. Maybe, one day, I'll actually convice myself that there's nothing.

Okay, so here are some tips for guys who need Valentine gift giving ideas:

If you've been dating for more than a year:
You should already know what she wants. If you don't, you're not only a complete failure as a boyfriend, but you are also a disgrace to the whole of the metrosexual generation. TSK TSK.

If you've been dating for less that a year (like way less-like 6 months):
If you haven't already, buy her jewlery! Nothing fancy, no rings cause HI! They hint at something more important! But ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FAKE. (think about it this way: only men with fake jewels BUY fake jewels) If you're going to buy jewlery, make it real or forget about it. AND NEVER TELL HER HOW MUCH IT COST! I'm sure you'd hate a guilt trip if you got the wrong thing or worse, forgot altogether, so don't make her feel bad on the most romantic day of the year by telling her you had to blow your months salary on it instead of going out with the guys. If you have already given her jewelry, this girl is probably special and you should probably glitz it up; Her favorite flowers, tea, coffee, or hot chocolate, and an evening of star gazing or, if she's an active girl, an afternoon of horseback riding would do fine; Just be sure to do something you'd both enjoy.

If you want to ask someone to be your Valentine:
My AIM is THEBADGUMMYBEAR. Feel free to contact me and let me know what's up, and I will not only agree to be your valentine, I will take you to the store and pick out my gift for you.

Now that you know I don't want to hear any of the girls I know complaining about the Swiffer you bought her OR the fake jewels.

It frustrates me that the only reason guys have broken up with me is for who I'm not rather than who I am.

I mean, I have enough annoying qualities. I wake up ealry and like everyone else to wake up with me because I cant stand not having attention, I'm obsessed with school in the sense that I do well and I know it, I'm annoyingly perky and absolutely in love with bubblegum pop like Hanson (I even piss myself off sometimes), when I'm in a bad mood, no one can touch me, and I'm far to clingy for anyones benefit.

But guys tend to break up with me for what I'm lacking. I'm not pretty, I'm not good enough to bring home to mommy (or bad enough, depending on the guys objective), I'm not into sex, I'm not into drugs, I don't like heavy metal or classical music all that much, I'm not a princess (atleat not as much as I'd like to think so), I'm not very mature, though I'm not too IMmature-- In short, I'm not perfect.

The more I think about it, the more I start to see myself for who I'm not. I think that's why this whole "future-oh-my-what-in-the-name-of-sweet-cow-milk-am-I-going-to-do-with-myself?" approach to life is coming from lately. People say to me "what do you want to be, what do you want to do with yourself?" And all I can think is that there are a hundred things I'm not that I would love to be just so I can be that perfect Miss. for a perfect Mr.

I hate thinking of myself in terms of "I am not" rather than "I am" or even "I will be." It really bites.

Okay, my last couple of entries have been a little dense, so here's some egg whites for those who have forgotten that I am, in fact, a teenage girl.

I have one amazing, glorious, exciting, thrilling, scintilating word for you and that word is PROM. PROM is creeping up on us surreptitiously and I couldn't be happier. It is exciting in it's finality and horrifying for the same reason. One last Huray to four seemingly wasted years. My date doesn't help to assuage my fears that this mayin fact be the best night of my life, and that it's all down hill after that.

I bet you can guess who that date might be. We all know and love him in his performance as himself in "the stodgy right wing conservative" as well as, "too mature for the crazy girl" (parts one and two). (drumroll please...) Yep, you guessed it. Mr.Hampster. Aren't you full of perspicacity?

I think it might be my sad and regrettable destiny to live my life as a republicans puppy dawg. (-awg because it's just that much cooler.)

Why does everyone think I'm crazy?

I am perfectly sane. I just don't want to do what everyone wants me to do. I don't want to go to college. I DO however want to live up to my full potential. Not going to college does not mean I'm wasting my life. I'm going to be protecting you ungrateful culturally illiterate swine from a world that hates Americans for our patriotism and non-conformist arrogant views all at once. Is there something fundementally wrong with wanting to protect your freedom of speech so that you can say whatever you want about not trusting the government and thinking that the goverment is, in fact, run by right wind conservative pigs? I'm sorry if you don't enjoy the right to life liberty and the pursuit of frivilous over-indulgence, but I plan to protect those rights even if it means not doing what everyone wants me to do with my life so as to not waste away to nothing.

And what...

I'M GOING TO DIE AN OLD MAID WITHOUT A COLLEGE EDUCATION WITH MY NEXT AS KIN LISTED AS "MR.FLUFFIKINS" AND "LULU FASHU"!!

KILL ME NOW, BEFORE I GET GRAY AND WRINKLY!!!

In Loo of flowers, please SAVE ME!!

Okay I'm done being dramatic.

1270.

Four little numbers...
One Big Deal...

Why is this so hard? I know what I want and I know how to get it. So why do I have so much doubt? Worse, why does everyone doubt me? I want a career and a family and a white picket fence. I do not want to be sitting in some prison somewhere, barely living, attempting to gain experience and "enhance my mind". I want to go and do and see and LIVE. Not get myself into debt taking required classes like "Women's Lit." and "Biology 101: The history of man and back hair." What is so hard to understand? I want to learn and live at the same time. College is a road block, not a stepping stone. WHAT IS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND?

B-man Brandalite, one of the many geniuses I am proud to call my friend puts it this way,

"see it's like a record company trying to manipulate your artistic abilities to try to make some corporate takeover sellout thing"

I am an artist of life.
You don't pay me.
I AM NOT YOUR PUPPET.
GET YOUR OWN LIFE.

Is what I would tell anyone who has given me the "you're wasting your life if you don't go to college" speech in the last year, but I haven't the juavos or the energy.

All I have left are doubts.
Fears.
What ifs...

This is a really good time for my night in shining armor to come sweep me away to his castle...

ANYTIME YOU'RE READY, PRINCE CHARMING.