Some loose ends, and a reintroduction.

I don't know if you have missed me, but I have missed me. I was re-reading some OLD posts and I thought about the fact that if you wanted to read my blog from start to finish (which I am in no way endorsing- they are not all gems, trust me) you might want a recap. A small, pocket dictionary sized set of condensed lessons about who I am, who the key players have been, what their lives are like now, and what's next for me. If I miss anyone, let me know.

Mr. Geri: One of the very first Mr.'s, and one with an interesting story, Mr. Geri was a young man who I was infatuated with. I think- yes, I think I was 16 when we met, going on 17 and he was....24? I had the biggest crush on him and he used a lot of my youth and vulnerability to his advantage. Not that others after him didn't do the same, mind you, he was just the first. I found out years later that during the time I idolized him, he was screwing with another woman's affections, a girl who I became very close friends with and whom at the time, I had no idea had any relation to him what so ever. She is now happily married and a step mom. He is married to, though who knows how happily. Other than Facebook, I really don't know much about him.

Mr. Navy: I really liked Mr. Navy, and had I known myself better, I would have treated him better. I have no idea what he's been up to since 2006, but he wasn't the last nice guy I overlooked.

Dave: One of the few whom I ever gave a real name, and one with the shortest story. He was a friend of a coworker who I was set up with. A super nice guy who I steam rolled. Dave, if you ever read this, I am sorry. I know how I treated you was foolish and hurtful. I hope your wife now never makes you feel small.

Mr. Heartbreaker: Oh, Mr. Heartbreaker. I was so in love with you for so long, I'm not sure where to start. Mr. Heartbreaker is perhaps better represented in his own terms rather than mine. He is more than what he was ever to me. Mr. Heartbreaker is now unfailingly homosexual and living out the gay life to the fullest. He has a great job and is on the way to getting a great education under his belt. Good luck, and who would have known when we were kids how this crazy world would change us? A side note: His mother did admit to me at one point that if she would have let us alone when we were kids, maybe he wouldn't be gay. No, sorry, that's not how it works, though I can't say the thought never crossed my mind.

Mr. Hamster: Who the heck knows where to start here. I can't say much from a first hand account about him, what he does, or who he has grown up to be. I know I still have things I would like to ask him, things I would like to resolve with him. Mr.Hamster played a big roll to me in that I was attracted to him, but he controlled all of the strings. He broke my heart without regard more than once and, to my knowledge, Karma still owes him. But who am I to demand it, and would I feel any better knowing he has ever had his heart broken? No. I would feel better if I could a.) forget that whole thing ever happened, b.) repair the damage my five year obsession with him did to my friendships from that time, or c.) could hear from him what he thinks happened between us. But I am just left with a gaping hole in my personal story and I guess that just has to be ok.

Mr. Paramour: Yes, his fiance did know about us and yes, she was mad. She had made an attempt to befriend me though on facebook about 2 years ago, but I think it was just a spying situation, which is fine. I don't think she ever did get married, but I know he is with someone now and has 2 beautiful daughters and a great job. So good for him. He never did join the military though. I am sorry that we were ever friends though, because in the end it did more harm than good for both of us.

Mr. L: A loaded die, for sure. Mr. L was my first "grown up" relationship. Not that I was a grown up while in it. He was, having 31 years to my 19. But he was the first person I (foolishly) had sex with. Looking back, it was more than having sex with him that changed who I was. It was having sex with him that caused me to be open to a sexual relationship that then entangled me in the worst position I have ever been in my life. It was filling my empty, numb heart with the wrong medicine and then watching it die. It's not the sex that matters, it is how you value virginity, what it means to lose it, and who is in the frame when you re focus that matters.

Mr. Awesomness: Mr. Awesomeness and I married in May of 2006. Our divorce was finalized in October of 2010, but we separated in July of 2007. There are so many things wrong with him, what he did to me, how he treated me, and what his family put me through that I am not even sure where to begin. The things I know for sure blur into such obscurity with the things he tried to make me believe that I am not totally sure what's what. I know that he used a lot of my insecurities to try and trap me. I know that he was a predator, not a regular man in love. I know that everything he put me through could be linked to his own mental disorders and the environment in which he grew up. I know that I will avoid every situation in which I think he might show up for the rest of my life. I wish his newest S.O. a better life. I hope for his sake and hers that he turns himself around. Who knows, right?

His Whole Family: There are redeeming people in his family and I can only hope that they succeed in distancing themselves from the root of all of their dysfunction, their father. I hate to pin point on person, because in any relationship there are at least two people and they should be equally to blame, but that is just not the case here. His father is pure evil, he used his power as the father figure to demean everyone in the family, he used God and the influence of religion to squelch all semblances of riots, and I don't think he is capable of change. From Facebook spying I have seen positive things happening, but all around it is a bad situation and I am glad to be rid of it.

Miss. Loquacious: She is married and rather boring. Actually, despite her being in my upcoming wedding and her professions of loving our friendship, I rarely ever hear from her. I don't know if she doesn't like Maryland, but I rarely ever see her either. I am willing however to admit that friendship is a two way street and I haven't been to enthused in going her way either out of sheer laziness.

Miss. Salisbury: Having been an incredible roommate in her post college days, Miss. Salisbury recently moved out to live with her beau (Not Hott Stuff, though my blog is not the place really for their past.) She also will be in my wedding and she has continued to be my most sane and continuous friend all these years.

Miss. WooWoo: Her and Mr. Future Millionaire did not get married. They fizzled out before they ever got going and a laughed heartily at that. She came in to church one day crying about how he was now courting her best friend and trying to pawn off her despair on how hard it is to find "the one." No, you crazy, you were sad because Mr. Future Millionaire did to you what he did to me: he saw greener grass with your best friend and went for it. I can't help laughing about that is some deeply dark and sick place. She is, for all I know, struggling to get another degree because (no surprise) horse trading isn't all its cracked up to be. Again, not much of this is first hand. I am and have been so disappointed with her that i can't even pretend to care to talk to her. As far as I can tell, She is still a "horse-faced frumpy mister"

Mr. Future Millionaire: We did not end up together, despite the protestations of my 14-19 year old heart. And he is the only lost love that I have grown up and relinquished. I have no remaining questions for him, no accusations, no demands to make. I wish him the best with his new future bride (Miss. WooWoo does not, but she might in time,) and I still have faith that he will be a millionaire one day. He is now living mostly in Ohio, much to his mother's dismay.

Young John, Benny, and DR: Some people have asked, while others have guessed and I am finally ready to tell you about Young John. Young John started out as an outlet for expressing things that I had repressed. He was a retelling of old tales of hurt, and outlet for cruelty I had seen, and a therapy. They are fictional characters, telling some real and some fabricated stories, but always expressing what I could not. Maybe I really felt what they felt, maybe I saw someone else feeling it and wanted it or wanted to hide from it. They are a tool, a useful, vibrant, well loved tool for helping me cope with any number of things. I hop that in showing them to you, you have seen more of me.

The Boy: The Boy has worked his way into every corner of my heart, eradicating fear and doubt, rescuing me from myself, and reviving and reliving all of my dreams one by one. He is my team leader, my cheerleader, my companion, my lover, my partner in crime, and my friend. We are getting married in November and it is not just a final step for us, it is the beginning and end of who we will become. I can't wait to learn more and more about him, to fall even more in love with him, and to build a family with him. And our dogs. Who could forget the dogs?

I think that should catch you up to life now, without you having to do the grunt work. I hope it has been worth the journey for those of you who stuck in there with me, and for those of you brave enough to enter, welcome. Welcome.

"My what a long strange it's been" indeed.