Mr.Paramour...

This seems to be an ever developing saga.

I seriously jump everytime my cell phone rings my usual ringer because I think it's going to be Mr.Hampster's sister screaming in my ear. (Everyone i like talking to has custom ringers. When I hear my normal ring tone I know I'm in trouble...) I think she might kill me. lol. Kill me dead.

I also think that this is getting to sorted to even write about it out of sheer paranoia. (What if she reads this?)

I guess you interested folk who have become fully enveloped in the story will have to buy the book one day...

I'm sitting here trying to think of a million things at once.
I'm trying to remember the first time I equated being with someone as love.
The first time I realized that hugging or kissing or talking or laughing with someone else meant something resembling this thing called love.
That moment inside of your first sweet summer kiss that seems perfect and endless.
That moment when you forget everything else and just fall into someone else.

And I'm trying to decide who or what first made me believe that I need to feel that way sometimes so that my life may have substance. So that my life may resemble at least something I can settle on; something I can own. Who ever made me give creedence to the fact the we all need to know structured, defined, and clearly expressed love?

I listen to love songs, I watch chick flicks, I go on dates with guys I barely like "just in case he might be the ONE", I dream, I wishon shooting stars, I wear make-up, don push-up bras, bat my eyes, wear high heels, and try my best to woo someone of the opposite sex, anyone, in the hopes that their attentions/affections towards me will be or turn into something resembling a loving state in which I can feel free and open.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHY I BOTHER!

All I've EVER gotten is broken hearts, runny mascara, and a general disdain for the opposite sex.

And all it's ever done for me is MAKE ME WANT IT MORE.

I don't know why I have to feel like I need love to validate my life. Sometimes I think I might rather enjoy not being human so as to avoid the trap of need beyond that of survival.

1 Samuel 20
42 Jonathan said to David, "Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the LORD , saying, 'The LORD is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever.' " Then David left, and Jonathan went back to the town.