Okay I don't know when I wrote that, but it must have been before Mr.Hampster and I had our little heart to heart. I'll say little because anything else makes it a "little" too much. Too much said, too much done, and too much is still there to just leave. If that makes any sense.

In a word: FUTURE.

In a phrase: WITH HIM.

Enough? It never is, but hah, thats all you get.

SO if you couldn't tell, he and I atleast understand one another, if not feel something nearly sympatico. Not perfect, but atleast honest, and that's way more than anyone else feels like I deserve.

IF YOU HAVENT ALREADY:
You should go and see Mel Gibsons new movie THE PASSION. For people who know me and I mean know me well, you'll know that I don't really like sitting through movies, nor do I like people who talk insesently about movies. In fact, I rather like going to crappy movie just so I can talk throughout them. And don't ask me what I thought about a particular scene after we've left th movie theater because my memory sucks and you won't even think we've seen the same movie. But this movie was amazing. Forget the fact that I'm christian. Forget the hype. Forget the fact that I saw it while holding on to Mr. Hampsters strong bicepts, breathing in his air. Just think about this as immature, lonely, ADD having me. I sat through an entire 2 1/2 hour movie WITH SUBTITLES, I spoke not a word through the movie save for a grunt when Mr. Hampster told me I "didn't have to watch the crucifixtion", didn't speak a word AFTER the movie was over and, AS IF THAT WEREN'T ENOUGH TO ASTOUND AND AMAZE, I remeber evey part of the movie as if it were some sick and twisted brain washing technique. Not to suggest that it IS, IT WAS JUST THAT GOOD.

If you're not christian, go see it. If you are, go see it. If you're "black, white Lemon or Lime" go see it. If your mom just died, go see it . If you painted your nails, go see it. IN SHORT: EVERYONE AND THEIR MOMS DOGS BEST FRIEND NEEDS TO SEE THIS MOVIE.

With kleenex and your Mr.Hampster :)

He drives me insane.

"Like a Hampster, he gets on his wheel and goes around and around and around and doesn't bother with anyone else"

I would love to hate him and be mad at HIM for all the annoy and ridiculously arrogant, selfish things he does, but I can't help hating myself. I hate all the time I've wasted. I hate all the love I've given him. I can't spend that time any other way now. I can't NOT think about all the times I've wished we were together, especially all the time that we WERE together, but his heart just wasn't there. I don't like to doubt other peoples feelings and i feel bad assuming this, but I truly believe that I never affected him. I honestly think that my presence in his life has made ABSOLUTELY NO DIFFERENCE. To love so much and to see so much wasted is truly saddening.

And people wonder why so many people give up on love.

Everything is going a little bit better.

Valentine's Day could have turned into a crash point, but my mommy and I went to New York to get a prom dress and then to Connecticut to see my Aunt Maryann. I spent the whole day having a good time with my mom and didn't think about Mr. Hampster once. I thought about his mom and how cool she would think New Yorks Fashion district is, but thats about it.

So I got a gorgeous prom dress that makes me feel like a Princess (which I am, btw) for under 50 dollars (Can you believe it?) and the rest of my outfit my mom felt it best to splurge, since the dress was such a steal (by splurge I mean 50 dollars for under garments- every girl should wear a corset once in her life-- it is an instant mood lifter, I gotta tel you.) Butin spite of the shopping spree, I managed to spend less than HALF of what I thought I would spend on the dress ALONE. Again, Major Major mood lifter, as every girl knows.

Staying with my aunt is incredible. She's like a little old lady housing a seventeen year old. She has the best stories and the coolest house. Not to mention, she's just as crazy as I am in every way. I think it runs in our blood.

But while I was at her house I had the weirdest dreams that really made me think. People might think I'm crazy, but I really think that both God and Satan can send us very powerful messages in our dreams, because it's the only time our own thoughts are out of the way. I won't go into too much detail because it would take too long and it really was incredible frightening, but let me tell you what: I stared Satan in his crystal blue eyes. He came to me as Mr. Hampster- posessed but suave and dashing and I couldn't pull myself away, I couldn't even speak- and offered me everything- the whole world literally flashed before my eyes- diamonds, parties, fancy houses, limos, royalty--everything anyone would want and he told me he would give it all to me in a second if I would just agree to be his. I know this sounds insane, but I really take a lot away from my dreams and I think both God and Satan were trying to tell me that the obsession I have with Mr. Hampster- or anything of the world for that matter- makes me a princess on earth and a partner to Satan's plan. I woke up feeling like I had just danced the night away in the arms of the only man I could every see myself loving but it was all a mirage, an image as fake as my dream. then I realized: a life spent loving anything more than He who has saved me by his blood is but a second living the "good life" and an eternity away from God.

I have to say, that dream was a very terrifying awakening.

I feel like poo.

And this time, it's not my fault.

I don't get it. I feel so lost, so lonely. I feel like something's broken, but I don't know what it is and I don't know how to fix it. I have so many decisions to make and I feel like no matter what I do, no matter what choice I finally make, it will be the wrong one. Or atlest everyone will think it's the wrong one. For some reason, all of a sudden, everything that everyone else thinks matters to me. Every remark, everytime they ignore me, everytime I can't have what I want because of someone else I just feel defeated. That's not like me. I don't know when I stopped being me and started being scared of what people think and concious of mistakes they think I make. It helps a little, to make me a better person. But I used to always know what was best for me. I knoew where I was headed and how I was going to get there and no one was going to hold me back. Now I'm just lost. I'm just stuck here with things I want but I can't have. Things I want to do but I'm so concerned with what everyone and their neighbors dog think of it that I just can't do it. I don't know how I got here. Worse I don't know how to get out.

Actualy, I know one of the two. Mr. Hampster.
I tried so hard to be his Mary Poppins, perfect in everyway. But I couldn't. I couldn't do it. I tried so hard to convince myself that thats what I wanted. That what he wanted was best because "he's perfect". I know what I want... I want to get out of here, away from him.

My crazy mother doesn't help.
Again, trying to please impossible people is not my specialty. Being myself is. But she didn't like me, so I change. And then she doubts me. She says I can't do the one thing that might actually make her proud of me. "You can't please me, you're not strong enough. You'd be better off failing at pleasing me by just being yourself." (not a direct quote, but it felt like she could have said that without a studder, without a breath.

I don't know what to do. I want to just be me, but I disgust myself. I want to be what they want me to be, but being the right person disgusts them. I am thoroughly convinced that I could leave this town and no one would even notice I was gone. But, she's right, I haven't the strength. I haven't the strength to leave because I want to stay and make things right but I can't. I can't be perfect. I can't fix things that aren't my fault. i can't justify being born. I can't be Mary Poppins. Thats just not me. I'm just me and no one likes that. No one is pleased with that because I am not who they would have me be.

I can't turn back and I can't go forward. I'm stuck and I'm scared and I feel so alone. I feel like no one in the world understands me; I feel like i can't articulate well enough to make them understand me. Worst of all, I'm not doing my job, I'm not doing what I was put here to do. How can a bastard child with a bright mind, no future, no past, and no place in this world, being doing the work of God?

Who knows.

Maybe it'll all get better sometime down the road.
Maybe this is just some cruel joke.

I THINK I WILL DIE IF HE MARRIES A BLONDE SUPERMODEL AND HAS 2.5 CHILDREN A HOUSE A DOG AND A WHITE PICKET FENCE BEFORE ME.

I just thought I would warn everyone who might not already know...