I thought I was above it,

But I'm not. I hate you. There I said it.

I hate you and everything you stand for.

I hate marijuana and I hate rebels and I hate tax evaders.

I hate professing, un practicing Christians.

I hate fakes and phonies. I hate lies and decietful behaviours.

I hate uncouthed individuals with clean hair and dirty minds. I hate people who refuse to brush their teeth. I hate people who consistantly eat after 10 pm. I hate people who answer the phone before 6 am. I hate you and your arian looks. And your manicured nails with the oil stains still lingering, embedded in the nail.

I hate people who don't believe in heating and cooling units. I hate communists and purists and doomsday sayers. I hate people who read the wind and the trees and the birds and the snow and the dogs. I hate people with more rifles than cars. I hate your trainwreck of a house that should have never been fixed up and your ghetto fabulous stables and gyms and farming equipment.

I hate "republicans" who don't agree with war, even though at it's very root it causes the society a great upheaval in goods and jobs.

I hate pe4ople who threaten other people. I hate people who could dream of disowning someone for who they loved or thought they loved or pretended to love. I hate people who beat would beat or might beat their children. I hate people with severe self hate. And Eating disorders.

Everything.... Just everything.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHO WHO

Who are you? WHO are you? WHO ARE you? Who are YOU? Who're you?

Who are you to assume that you know anything about my life and time and the things i wirte about and the truths or lies or fantasies i own? Who are you to assume authority when replying to things I write or think or say or do?

To answer your comment, I say that i am sincere and transparent because i can say whatever I want about myslef. I can mean it or not I can lie or tell the truth I can mimic or be original. BECAUSE THIS IS MINE. THIS BLOG IS MINE. THIS LIFE IS MINE.

Stop trying to take this away from me!

I have made up my mind and that is what my last blog was all about. Admitting my faults. Saying that I am wrong and that i hate myself for it. Admitting weakness and room to grow and be free.

I do- forever. I will forever love and forever be me and forever eat turkey sandwiches. All of which are life and nothing all at once. Forver means Forever. And that is all. i will forever love those I choose to love whether or not I choose to allow them to ruin me or not is up to me and God.

I hold truth to all that i say because it is my feelin gs and my feelings are true. i am allowed to truthfully feel cheated and guilty and sad and free and happy and persecuted and loved all at the same time. and all are true whether they are in oposition or not. AND YOU CANNOT TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME! And he cannot take that away from me. Even God cannot tell me when and how to feel.

My words have value. TO ME. I value my freedom to speak and wirte and sing. I trade in the currency of words everyday for new feelings, ideas and beings. I value my opinion and that is all this is about.

STOP TRYING TO JUDGE ME.

Or else I will just die and make your life as mundane and useless as you see mine.

Simple Pleasure

Turkey Sandwiches. With Mayo. And Bacon.

SIMPLE PLEASURE

Piano lessons.

YES... but why?

YES... I love you.

YES... I miss you.

YES... I hate the thought that you might move on and forget that I ever existed.

YES... I feel guilty hoping to see an image of you, curled up in a corner, calling out my name in a psychotic break.

YES... I wish you didn't suck.

YES... I feel guilty for not sticking by you and helping you.

YES... I'm more happy to be alive and unburdened than I am guilty.

YES... I walk around terrified that at any moment you may pop up and try/ kidnap me and hide me away in a mountainside.

YES... I dream about you every night. Most of which are horrifying nightmares. But thats nothing new.

YES... I cry myslef to sleep most nights.

YES.. I cried more when I was with you and suffered more at your hand than any time in my life before or since.

YES... without your love I feel dirty, ugly, and, well, "Certified Pre- owned"

YES.. . I do certain actions with the hopes that you may find out and be crushed.

YES... I feel guilty for all of those moments as well.

WHY? Because I truly loved you whether you ever gave me a second thought or not. Because I was tricked by the devil himself into attaching myself to you. Because I wanted to be enough for both of us. I wanted to love you enough and keep you safe from drugs and your family and my family and the world and I know now that I was asking too much. Because I am not an angel or God or even a princess. I have no control or even ability to contribute to your hapiness. Because the sex really was that good, even if it was my first consentual experience. Because I have been told my whole life that no one would ever want me and I was blind when you said you might. Because I had a plan. Because I have people who expect things from me and I couldn't handle the pressure. Because I liked having someone to hold me at night... that is when you were home and didn't smell like stale beer and weren't mad at me for some uncontrollable reason. Because I meant it when I said I do forever.

I'M SORRY... for being so sincere and transparent. I wish I were able to lie or be deviant like you. Then maybe this wouldn't feel like this.

The whole truth and nothing but

Just thought you might like to know that I am not a liar.

Nor did I ever promise to devulge everything here. So quit looking for everything and just enjoy the music.

Music is real and true whether you like it or not.

Just because you say it's so...

Have you ever heard someone say "Pratice makes perfect?"

It's a lie. PERFECT practice makes perfect.

Just like the saying "Only two things in life are constant: Everyone dies, and everyone pays taxes"

LIES. I could live in the jungle with the animals and eat like a venus fly trap and never pay taxes. or die before I ever paid and then I would beat the system. And there are a many things in life just as true as death. Like blood and rain and chocolate and touch.

So stop lieing and tricking a too well trusting world.