Young John Yet Again

"But you're just a girl"

"That's hardly my fault." She wiped another tear from her face and smeard it on my coat sleeve. We'd been drinking and smoking and laughing and crying all night and we'd come to the conclusion that neither one of us wants to bring a girl child into the world.

But she hardly minded being a girl. They only slightly battered her throughout the years and she had held my own. Sure, she was either obsessed over or cast aside, a dangerous rope to walk, but considering her natural akwardness and her untamed youth, she made it out relatively unscathed.

If there were a mirror of true beauty in my eyes, I would show her face to the world.

But there never was.

We took another shot at our cigarettes and realized that they had both burnt out. She towered over me when she stood and I could see her wobbling out of her all too high heels. I stood in time to steady her and lead her to the car.

Another long night. Another wasted tear. And I loved her even more with the mascara running down her face and her heals kicked off in my Camry, whispering "I wish every man could be like you, Young" in the freezing darkness. In the cool yellow street light her words shown on her face as we drove away and she dosed off to forget that we'd ever cried or laughed or dreamed or drank.

I think it's ironic that you mark Single on your myspace but you're really married.

I'm feeling quite dettached.

I am Usless, ut not so much as you.

I argue and fight, but you have no wounds.

I hate, but I cry.

I mean nothing to you but I'm the enemy.

Money is a cruel hard joke the weak play on the strong.




-

MEETING MY DEADLINES

Like a good student.

Here's my T13. Read em and weep. Or laugh, I guess it's all perogative.

13 reasons why I need a vacation:

1. I can't stay awake without a Grande Triple Mocha with two pumps Almond and Caramel sauce add whip

2. I have no time during the week to do my piano homework.

3. My fake dundalk nails look for serious screwed up

4. I like going to the gym. Without having to get up at 5:30 AM.

5. I miss Baby Stacey.

6. I need to apply for College.

7. I need to call Jeff and tell him that I applied.

8. I need to get divorced.

9. I have library books that are 6 months late. I am sick of the Hate mail from the BCPL.

10. I would like to take a vacation for about 6 months during indoor volleyball season to coach.

11. There's a crack in my windshield less than a week after I got my car back from the shop. (which took 3 weeks and 2400 dollars more than anticipated)

12. I owe 13.43 people dates.

13. I want to be a real live 21 year old girl!!!

I hope this all atleast made some sense. To those of you that work two jobs, or have kids, or go to school I'm sure you understand.

Another Week Old-Eh

Something of no consiquence to much of anyone in particular, my Thirteen favorite songs for this week. As always in no real order than that of disorder:

1. Poem, Taproot, Welcome

2. Peice of Me, Britney Spears, Blackout

3. In the Middle, Jimmy Eat World, Bleed America

4. Firecracker, Josh Turner, Everything is Fine

5. Stop this Train, John Mayer, Continuum

6. Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered, Ella Fitzgerald, Pal Joey

7. If, Dean Martin, Dino: The Essential Dean Martin

8. I don't wanna be in Love, Good Charlotte, Good Morning Revival

9. Thnks fr th Mmrs, Fall Out Boy, Infinity on High

10. Gotta Get Through This, Daniel Beddingfield, Gotta Get Through This

11. Absolutely Zero, Jason Mraz, Tonight, Not Again: Jason Mraz Live at The Eagles Ballroom

12. Gone to The Movies, Semisonic, Feeling Strangely Fine

13. Getting Into You, Relient K, Two Lefts Don't Make a Right

I hope you like it. On second thought and more typically me, I don't really mind either way. It was good for me.

Eat Love Pray and a few more verbs

A good friend of mine is reading through Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat Love Pray" and we are both benefiting.

My friend/ coworker is a fellow "Lesbian Fat girl club" (for those of you that don't know, don't ask. And yes, we get to wear hats) She is also a fellow woman who is strong and young and pretty and has dreams and wants things to go right for once. She's not a christian, she doesn't eat meat and we disagree on a number of things other than that but when it comes right down to it, we are pretty close.

She is going through a long and drawn out split from her tragic booyfriend which reminds me much of my own station in life at this particular time. We have been complaining to one another about sleepless nights lately. Of missing our collective "hiim"s. Of our respective loves moving on and living fruitful lives without us and leaving us to clean up the mess they made out of our lives.

After reading a particular passage in Ms. Gilberts book, the two of us just looked at eachother and laughed. It's a great page long explanation of how we loose ourselves and give of ourselves to our mates to the point that our own self and desires and personality are extinct.

About how we would give of our time, money, our dogs time, our dogs money, the sun the rain and, when those would not do, sunchecks and rainchecks and love and peanut butter and jelly and sex and poems and brains and silence and music and all those other things one is or is not even entitled to will away to another person.

We laughed because we understood. We laughed because we knew that's what we'd done. We laughed to erase the thoughts of how pathetic we were. We laughed because we realized now that we were owed all those things we so carelessly gave to someone else. We laughed to save ou sanity and excercise our vocal chords. We laughed to keep from crying and beating ourselves up.

Another, less poetic outlet I have settled on for my pent up heart break and feeling of loneliness and faliure is the new delicious Britney Spears album. It's all about sex and desperation and regrets and I love it. Because it has no depth. Because it is so desperate. Because in my mind Britney's a real person with real feelings who might just be disapointed in herself and her choices. And now she's trying to figure out what she wants. Without all of her clothes on. Poor thing.

Poor me. Cheer's to poetry, music and the art of desire.

CHEATING

BUT I COULDN'T RESIST.

Here's my Thursday Thirteen for Yesterday. Ever since I heard about this fantasical idea of making up a list of thirteen things for no reason and every reason, I had to jump on the bandwagon. We're now listening to crazy riding tunes like "pump up the Volume" and talking about things that happened "back in the day" if you want to join us...

THURSDAY THIRTEEN:

THIRTEEN THINGS THAT I WOULD NEVER CHANGE ABOUT MY LIFE. IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER.

1. My new, huge, gorgeous tattoo.

2. The time, though small, that I was given to get to know my grandmother.

3. My crazy work schedule. Which I am altering slightly thruogh sheer exhaustion.

4. Mr. Hamster and that whold period in my life.

5. Working in Radio.

6. Taking spelling in Elementary school.

7. Reading Isaiah and Joshua about 13 times through and in and out.

8. Going to a ghetto high school and meeting the most amazing, interesting, strange, funny influential people I will ever know.

9. Getting married to the idea of a man that my husband was supposed to turn out to be.

10. Taking off the wedding ring and being alive now to tell the tale and help other women and men in my position.

11. My dream to someday write a best selling book about my life and the lives of those funny, interesting, influential characters.

12. My best friend. And I won't name him here but he knows who he is and what he has done for me and that forever isn't long enough :)

13. My Name. No matter how many times it changes itself, I will hold true in my mind to what it is.

I don't care if it was good for you, that was good for me.

MORE Misadventures of Young John

"But Dude" he inserts a dramatic pause here to take a long drag of his Marlboro Medium and blow out the excess from the side of his crooked, perfect mouth. Resuming his thought, "I'm getting divorced"

I don't know why he was so surprised by his own admission. Had he never thought about it before now? Had he forgotten since he arrived here? Did he think I wouldn't understand what he meant by 'divorce'?

'If you're not the one' by Daniel Beddingfield, one of my men you must listen to and love, started running through my mind at the final difficult breath of his admission to misery.

Oh Johnny, if you only knew.

If you only knew that I understand completely. If you only knew how empty I feel when I look down at my naked ring finger. If you only knew that I know what it's like to wake up and wonder where your life has gone. I know what it's like to be facing the option of "single, married, divorced" on your myspace and wondering which one is right. Wondering when you're going to be let go from this limbo.

"I'm not Single"
Said Not-So-Young John

"I'm not Married"
Said John with a sigh

"I'm not divorced"
He let go of his last most painful breath

I'm not anything either, Young John.

Simple pleasure...

Having a dream about something silly... a nose bleed, a car accident, a package... And then having all of those things come true and spending the next week thinking you are a psychic.