The Boy and I had a "Nothing" argument the other night.
A "Nothing" argument can look like one of two things:
- One party (usually the one in the worng) asks "What's wrong?" only to be snipped at,--"Nothing"
-Or, a "Nothing" argument can be much more subversive. It can be a dissagreement that ruminates for days and grows and billows and then you're unhappy about their shoe choice, the way they hold the door for you, the fact that they are 3 minutes late for everything- the nothing things that are covering up the something that you're really mad about.
Thankfully, it was the former type of "nothing" argument. He said something, then said nothing, then I secretly was annoyed and, for the first time ever, practically tied his shoes for him to get him out the door faster.
What was wrong? Nothing. I was tired and grumpy and didn't want him to leave and felt icky from walking 18 miles around DC. He said something that annoyed me and instead of saying "Excuse me, Boy, would you mind explaining yourself in a manner that will not frustrate and annoy me?" I said- Nothing-.
So why am I sharing this with you?
Well, A.) Sharing is caring. In addition to that, I thought about somehting very profound after all of this.
If someone is just a someone to whom you relate and enjoy and talk with and stay out late with, if they are not YOUR someone, in addition to not being anyone ELSE's someone, but they are just who they are around you and you delight in them, can you fight with them?
Can you truly call a "Nothing" argument between two people who essentially represent a great calm nothingness to one another a disagreement? Likewise, can you feel anger towards this No one for Nothing?
More importantly, is The Boy a "Nothing" person?
How much longer can I lose sleep driving around town in a sport red metallic beauty of an automobile while discussing Frank Sinatra and other life changing things with the windows half down and the night turning into morning, not wanting to ever be kicked out and continue the charade of "nothing?" And does it matter? Does the Boy want to be a someone- a someone very attached to this someone, who really isn't anyone important?
Do I really want him to be a nothing? The more I think and talk and experience and want and find with him and about him and around him, the more I really think I feel something for him. A nice something. A quiet something. An important something.
But I want to call it nothing just in case he doesn't want it. Or in case he thinks it's nothing important or nice or safe or fun or warm.
I think I will hold out a little longer and settle to just be a Lady in like with a Boy who is nothing and everything in this moment and a few others.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
And then she just kept Yammering
I feel like all we ever do is talk. I mean really when was the last time I sat down and wrote to you and you read the words I said and felt something indescribable form in the pit of your stomach or the crown of your head that was a stronger indication of how you really felt or what I really said?
Do you even remember? Do you remember that poem I wrote you in June of '97 when the rain wouldn't stop and the sun wouldn't come and no one knew anything but sadness?
Or that sonnet I sent you Christmass of 2002 about what I most loved in all the world. As I recall, that made you sigh and lift your handkercheif and dab your eyes and say, "My wasn't that lovely."
And those long drabbling prose pieces that you secretly despised but openly praised me for, can you recollect ever having anything in your heart for them, good or bad?
Of course you can't, because it has been such a very long time.
Do you even remember? Do you remember that poem I wrote you in June of '97 when the rain wouldn't stop and the sun wouldn't come and no one knew anything but sadness?
Or that sonnet I sent you Christmass of 2002 about what I most loved in all the world. As I recall, that made you sigh and lift your handkercheif and dab your eyes and say, "My wasn't that lovely."
And those long drabbling prose pieces that you secretly despised but openly praised me for, can you recollect ever having anything in your heart for them, good or bad?
Of course you can't, because it has been such a very long time.
A Share Of Laughter And Regret.
You and I,
I Don't Know What We Are.
You, I Know
Are Quiet
And Like Words
Like Me.
You, I Know
Are Soft
And Like To Be
Like Me.
You, I Know
Are Smart
And Quick With Wit
Like Me.
So We Are
Indubitably
Similar.
But
I Don't Know
If We Are
What We Are
Or Are We Not
Want We Want
Together.
I Don't Know What We Are.
You, I Know
Are Quiet
And Like Words
Like Me.
You, I Know
Are Soft
And Like To Be
Like Me.
You, I Know
Are Smart
And Quick With Wit
Like Me.
So We Are
Indubitably
Similar.
But
I Don't Know
If We Are
What We Are
Or Are We Not
Want We Want
Together.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Leftovers...
This is just snippets from my end of the struggle of what is left of my now two-year marriage/ordeal with this man, this thing, this creeperson.
And I am just sad. Before I wanted him to change. I still do, just not for me or with me or near me. For himself, by himself, without me. If he would have been what he said he were, would he have ever tricked me into all this?
Here is what I said, but read after for a thought I can't stop my brain from thinking:
"I think it's, I don't know, ironic, that you would choose to criticize my priorities right now. Yes, school means more to me than you. Boo- hoo, cry me a river. Seeing as you were obviously not "working" when you left those messages, I will take you critiques with more than a grain of salt.
Please don't call me while intoxicated.
And please, don't trouble yourself to show up here with divorce papers, because I won't see you any how. Just have your lawyer mail them.
Please advise about the apartment. You owe just as much debt as I do and as far as I know you are not making any payments towards it. It will ruin both of our credit and renter's history if I refuse to pay.
The time for ignorance and indignance is over. Chill out and deal with this like an adult. Stop insulting me and everyone in my camp. Stop with the nonsense, please.
The man I thought I married wouldn't belittle me or my mother, leave nasty messages while intoxicated, critisize me for what I think is most important, or treat me as though I owe him more than he owes me.
Just think about it."
THOUGHT:
Your Parental figure: " are a different kind of man. If he told me he were going to quit smoking, I would expect to se ehim behind every corner in every shed, smoking. But If said you were going to stop, I would never doubt you."
The truth?
You said you would stop smoking the day we were married.
Not for me but for you.
Not only did you lie to me, but you lied to yourself.
And you couldn't get out of the church fast enough to go smoke in the shed.
PRAYER:
That you atleast stop lying, if not truly change.
And I am just sad. Before I wanted him to change. I still do, just not for me or with me or near me. For himself, by himself, without me. If he would have been what he said he were, would he have ever tricked me into all this?
Here is what I said, but read after for a thought I can't stop my brain from thinking:
"I think it's, I don't know, ironic, that you would choose to criticize my priorities right now. Yes, school means more to me than you. Boo- hoo, cry me a river. Seeing as you were obviously not "working" when you left those messages, I will take you critiques with more than a grain of salt.
Please don't call me while intoxicated.
And please, don't trouble yourself to show up here with divorce papers, because I won't see you any how. Just have your lawyer mail them.
Please advise about the apartment. You owe just as much debt as I do and as far as I know you are not making any payments towards it. It will ruin both of our credit and renter's history if I refuse to pay.
The time for ignorance and indignance is over. Chill out and deal with this like an adult. Stop insulting me and everyone in my camp. Stop with the nonsense, please.
The man I thought I married wouldn't belittle me or my mother, leave nasty messages while intoxicated, critisize me for what I think is most important, or treat me as though I owe him more than he owes me.
Just think about it."
THOUGHT:
Your Parental figure: "
The truth?
You said you would stop smoking the day we were married.
Not for me but for you.
Not only did you lie to me, but you lied to yourself.
And you couldn't get out of the church fast enough to go smoke in the shed.
PRAYER:
That you atleast stop lying, if not truly change.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Black and white
OTHELLO AND DESDEMONA: OPPOSITES ATTRACT
Othello and Desdemona, as represented in Shakespeare’s Othello, embody the quintessential example of the phrase “opposites attract.” Beginning with their most basic physical characteristics, the two lovers are contrary in every way. Desdemona is described as beautiful and fair with Othello is referred to by his lineage, often being called “the moor.” Othello is “thick lipped” and a Barbary horse, while Desdemona is a “most exquisite lady” and “most fresh and delicate creature.” Shakespeare further defined their differences by creating separate dialogue for each of the lovers. Desdemona’s speech often flows from her seemingly without thought, a natural progression of her feelings in spoken word. Othello’s speech, in contrary, is much more precise, more pointed and with more impact on the characters around him. In Othello, careful thought proceeds speech while Desdemona’s speech flows without thought from her heart. With two such opposing characters, Shakespeare heightens the drama of a typical love story, making a memorable and lasting impression, and setting the stage for the ultimate drama.
Othello and Desdemona, as represented in Shakespeare’s Othello, embody the quintessential example of the phrase “opposites attract.” Beginning with their most basic physical characteristics, the two lovers are contrary in every way. Desdemona is described as beautiful and fair with Othello is referred to by his lineage, often being called “the moor.” Othello is “thick lipped” and a Barbary horse, while Desdemona is a “most exquisite lady” and “most fresh and delicate creature.” Shakespeare further defined their differences by creating separate dialogue for each of the lovers. Desdemona’s speech often flows from her seemingly without thought, a natural progression of her feelings in spoken word. Othello’s speech, in contrary, is much more precise, more pointed and with more impact on the characters around him. In Othello, careful thought proceeds speech while Desdemona’s speech flows without thought from her heart. With two such opposing characters, Shakespeare heightens the drama of a typical love story, making a memorable and lasting impression, and setting the stage for the ultimate drama.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
THURSDAY THIRTEENNNNNNNNNNN
Yeah. Love songs. Fun
1. When I Fall in Love
I specifically prefer the Celine Dion version, but I learned (just now, actually) that Doris Day made the first recording in 1952. It's just such a powerful song with classic lyrics that makes me cry EVERYTIME.
"In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before its begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun."
2. More Than Words
I just like the message. Because words are just what you make of them- but a kiss, a hug, a long night spent under the stars- mean so much more now than just a simple "I love you"
"What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldnt make things new
Just by saying I love you"
3. I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)
I think if I ever get married agin this will be my wedding song. Listen to it next chance you get, really listen to it.
"When I come home yeah I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who comes back home to you
And if I grow old well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's growing old with you"
4. Nothing Compares 2 U
The best way to describe this song is haunting, and it is. It appears in most of my dreams. Who doesn't love this love classic?
"It's been so lonely without you here
Like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me baby where did I go wrong"
5. Carrying Your Love With Me
This song is just the perfect representation of true love. It's 500 miles gone country. And who doesn't love George Straits sincerity and calm vocals?
"Its my strength for holding on
Every minute that I have to be gone
Ill have everything Ill ever need
Im carrying your love with me"
6. Must Be Doing Something Right
It's country hour here at Thursday Thirteen and at number 6 on your home town love town countdown is Billy Currington's Must be doing something right. With it's smooth hook and Billy's gravely crooner voice (a throw back to classical Gary Allen- gush) I melt into the nearest Manly Man undubitably. (Plus, here's bonus, it's all about S-E-X.... shhh)
"Sometimes all it takes to please her
Is the touch of your hand
And other times you gotta take it slow
And hold her all night long
Heaven knows there's so many ways
A man can go wrong"
7. Nothing On But the Radio
Could i mention Gary Allan smooth sultry gravely drawl without including him on my list of all time love making tracks? You must be kidding.
"We'll fall asleep here in the moonlight
In tangled sheets, we'll be here all night
And when we wake up in the morning
We might stay like this all day
Two people meant to be together
Two lovers dreaming of forever
And it just keeps on getting better
With every tender little kiss"
8. Every (Du)Rose has It's Thorn
Thank you, Tormey. Thats all I have to say about this one.
"I know I could have saved a love that night
If Id known what to say
Instead of makin love
We both made our separate ways"
9. Signed, Sealed Delivered I'm Yours.
This song is actually what inspired this list. It just always makes me smile and sing and wish for things.
"You set my soul on fire
That's why I know you're my heart's only desire
Here I am baby
Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm yours"
10. Fever
I don't know why. I think I am frightened everytime the artists sings the title word... I was intimidated into putting this one on here. Forceable song.
But seriously it is a monster good love song, by jove.
"Sun lights up the day time
moon lights up the night
I light up when you call my name
and you know i'm gonna treat you right
You give me fever"
11. Unchained Melody
I, lik 98% of women and gay men am a sucker for this song. I can't even make an excuse for it. It just is.
"Lonely rivers flow to the sea, to the sea
To the open arms of the sea
Lonely rivers sigh, 'Wait for me, wait for me'
'I'll be coming home, wait for me!'"
12. Time of my Life
You are probably not familiar with this Mark Shultz number, but I wouldn't stear you wrong. It's a doll. It goes without saying that I hope I find a man who is this true one day. Just check it out. I couldn't find it on Youtube, so I just gave you the whole song:
"He packed his bags when he was just 18
To see a world he thought he'd never seen
But he knew when he met her
That she was the girl
He'd been waiting for
And each night they spent talking on the front porch swing
And like it came straight out of a movie scene
But one night she stepped out as the sun began to set
When she got to the porch she found a letter that read
You're the only girl I'll ever love
And I'd do anything not to give you up
If I could only stop the world
When you're standing by my side
See I'm having the time of my life
Yes, I'm having the time of my life
The months went by it was their wedding day
A church on a hill wedding bells rang away
She looked like a princess
All dressed up in pearls
It was her proudest day
And he stood all alone in a darkened church hallway
He got down on his knees and he started to pray
He thanked the Lord for his family and the perfect bride
But he couldn't hold back what he was feelin' inside
And he said
She's the only girl I'll ever love
And I'd do anything not to give her up
If I could only stop the world
When she's standing by my side
See, I'm having the time of my life
Yes, I'm having the time of my life
Forty years went by and she lived most of God's plan
She stood alone in an attic, wedding dress in her hand
And she held an old letter written so long ago
But she'd never forget it
No matter how old
And as she turned to put the dress away
And pack up the years
He was standing in the doorway
With his eyes full of tears
And he held her
'Cause you're the only girl I'll ever love
And I'd do anything not to give you up
If I could only stop the world
When you're standing by my side
See I'm having the time of my life
Yes, I'm having the time of my life"
13. Gentle On My Mind
Dean Martin brought this Glen Campbell staple to life for me, and it makes me think of The Boy now that his gentle way has found me.
"And it's knowin' I'm not shackled
By forgotten words and bonds
And the ink stains that have dried upon some line"
1. When I Fall in Love
I specifically prefer the Celine Dion version, but I learned (just now, actually) that Doris Day made the first recording in 1952. It's just such a powerful song with classic lyrics that makes me cry EVERYTIME.
"In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before its begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun."
2. More Than Words
I just like the message. Because words are just what you make of them- but a kiss, a hug, a long night spent under the stars- mean so much more now than just a simple "I love you"
"What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldnt make things new
Just by saying I love you"
3. I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)
I think if I ever get married agin this will be my wedding song. Listen to it next chance you get, really listen to it.
"When I come home yeah I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who comes back home to you
And if I grow old well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's growing old with you"
4. Nothing Compares 2 U
The best way to describe this song is haunting, and it is. It appears in most of my dreams. Who doesn't love this love classic?
"It's been so lonely without you here
Like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me baby where did I go wrong"
5. Carrying Your Love With Me
This song is just the perfect representation of true love. It's 500 miles gone country. And who doesn't love George Straits sincerity and calm vocals?
"Its my strength for holding on
Every minute that I have to be gone
Ill have everything Ill ever need
Im carrying your love with me"
6. Must Be Doing Something Right
It's country hour here at Thursday Thirteen and at number 6 on your home town love town countdown is Billy Currington's Must be doing something right. With it's smooth hook and Billy's gravely crooner voice (a throw back to classical Gary Allen- gush) I melt into the nearest Manly Man undubitably. (Plus, here's bonus, it's all about S-E-X.... shhh)
"Sometimes all it takes to please her
Is the touch of your hand
And other times you gotta take it slow
And hold her all night long
Heaven knows there's so many ways
A man can go wrong"
7. Nothing On But the Radio
Could i mention Gary Allan smooth sultry gravely drawl without including him on my list of all time love making tracks? You must be kidding.
"We'll fall asleep here in the moonlight
In tangled sheets, we'll be here all night
And when we wake up in the morning
We might stay like this all day
Two people meant to be together
Two lovers dreaming of forever
And it just keeps on getting better
With every tender little kiss"
8. Every (Du)Rose has It's Thorn
Thank you, Tormey. Thats all I have to say about this one.
"I know I could have saved a love that night
If Id known what to say
Instead of makin love
We both made our separate ways"
9. Signed, Sealed Delivered I'm Yours.
This song is actually what inspired this list. It just always makes me smile and sing and wish for things.
"You set my soul on fire
That's why I know you're my heart's only desire
Here I am baby
Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm yours"
10. Fever
I don't know why. I think I am frightened everytime the artists sings the title word... I was intimidated into putting this one on here. Forceable song.
But seriously it is a monster good love song, by jove.
"Sun lights up the day time
moon lights up the night
I light up when you call my name
and you know i'm gonna treat you right
You give me fever"
11. Unchained Melody
I, lik 98% of women and gay men am a sucker for this song. I can't even make an excuse for it. It just is.
"Lonely rivers flow to the sea, to the sea
To the open arms of the sea
Lonely rivers sigh, 'Wait for me, wait for me'
'I'll be coming home, wait for me!'"
12. Time of my Life
You are probably not familiar with this Mark Shultz number, but I wouldn't stear you wrong. It's a doll. It goes without saying that I hope I find a man who is this true one day. Just check it out. I couldn't find it on Youtube, so I just gave you the whole song:
"He packed his bags when he was just 18
To see a world he thought he'd never seen
But he knew when he met her
That she was the girl
He'd been waiting for
And each night they spent talking on the front porch swing
And like it came straight out of a movie scene
But one night she stepped out as the sun began to set
When she got to the porch she found a letter that read
You're the only girl I'll ever love
And I'd do anything not to give you up
If I could only stop the world
When you're standing by my side
See I'm having the time of my life
Yes, I'm having the time of my life
The months went by it was their wedding day
A church on a hill wedding bells rang away
She looked like a princess
All dressed up in pearls
It was her proudest day
And he stood all alone in a darkened church hallway
He got down on his knees and he started to pray
He thanked the Lord for his family and the perfect bride
But he couldn't hold back what he was feelin' inside
And he said
She's the only girl I'll ever love
And I'd do anything not to give her up
If I could only stop the world
When she's standing by my side
See, I'm having the time of my life
Yes, I'm having the time of my life
Forty years went by and she lived most of God's plan
She stood alone in an attic, wedding dress in her hand
And she held an old letter written so long ago
But she'd never forget it
No matter how old
And as she turned to put the dress away
And pack up the years
He was standing in the doorway
With his eyes full of tears
And he held her
'Cause you're the only girl I'll ever love
And I'd do anything not to give you up
If I could only stop the world
When you're standing by my side
See I'm having the time of my life
Yes, I'm having the time of my life"
13. Gentle On My Mind
Dean Martin brought this Glen Campbell staple to life for me, and it makes me think of The Boy now that his gentle way has found me.
"And it's knowin' I'm not shackled
By forgotten words and bonds
And the ink stains that have dried upon some line"
The Importance of Things Written
Today we talked about the importance of poetry in English 101. (aka, Mornings with Khamis, seeing as you can't have a class without anyone else. So English 101 has become me and my professor extracting teeth from our fellow learners)
And this is what I think.
I like you
In the dark
With Ice Cream
On some Tuesday
With many stars
In your eyes
Without taking pictures
And without dreaming
about Scrapbook Queens.
And this is what I think.
I like you
In the dark
With Ice Cream
On some Tuesday
With many stars
In your eyes
Without taking pictures
And without dreaming
about Scrapbook Queens.
Saturday, May 03, 2008
I very much like you...
Who Indeed
Went to DC.
For Eddie Izzard to see.
Enjoyed my time.
A feast for the mind.
I have been pretty down in the pots for a few days for a number of reasons. Would you care to shar with me some sad thoughts?
1. May 13th will be my two year anniversary. This is sad for two reasons.
A. I don't want to be married anymore
B. I haven't been happily married since... well, I never really was I suppose, but what I would call domestic peace ended in June ish of last year.
2. Liking boys sometimes gets me down. I don't know if it because I am still married, but I have all these strange feelings in relation to hapiness and love. I am happy. The Boy and I get along tolerable well. But there is just those lurking feelings that
A. He too will turn out to ba a psychopath
B. He will realize that I am a psychopath
C. It just won't work and I will just add it to the list of things I can't do properly.
3. I just. Don't. Know. There is a seed of doubt and frustration and anticipation and anxiety growing right here in my mid section and i can't get rid of it. Something might be/ could be/ is/ will be coming and I feel it and I don't know how to stop it or change it or accept it. Help...
4. Money... That's what I want.
It's all there. All this strange pseudo-negativity floating around in my brain and making my head spin. I just don't understand it. I don't know if I mind feeling a bit down either.
Or if it just adds to my poetic credibility.
Went to DC.
For Eddie Izzard to see.
Enjoyed my time.
A feast for the mind.
I have been pretty down in the pots for a few days for a number of reasons. Would you care to shar with me some sad thoughts?
1. May 13th will be my two year anniversary. This is sad for two reasons.
A. I don't want to be married anymore
B. I haven't been happily married since... well, I never really was I suppose, but what I would call domestic peace ended in June ish of last year.
2. Liking boys sometimes gets me down. I don't know if it because I am still married, but I have all these strange feelings in relation to hapiness and love. I am happy. The Boy and I get along tolerable well. But there is just those lurking feelings that
A. He too will turn out to ba a psychopath
B. He will realize that I am a psychopath
C. It just won't work and I will just add it to the list of things I can't do properly.
3. I just. Don't. Know. There is a seed of doubt and frustration and anticipation and anxiety growing right here in my mid section and i can't get rid of it. Something might be/ could be/ is/ will be coming and I feel it and I don't know how to stop it or change it or accept it. Help...
4. Money... That's what I want.
It's all there. All this strange pseudo-negativity floating around in my brain and making my head spin. I just don't understand it. I don't know if I mind feeling a bit down either.
Or if it just adds to my poetic credibility.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
