Ok I know I know, two blog entries on a day when I am supposed to be non-living...

I don't even know what I want this particular entry to say, but when called to speak or be heard, this is my only option as of late. I haven't really got anything to say but I know I could if I thought long enough...

hmpapapapa I could make another list... i could talk about on of my Mr.'s. I could be brutally honest about someone I dislkie. I could talk about God. I could discuss the pro's and con's of living on a tropical island. but none of this strike be as universe changing, life-altering, world spining topics and thats what I am game for right now.

Okay, God it is then. Not in the sense that I'm settling, mind you, but my readers are sure to be tired of "all this God talk" by now. (Hopefully not, but...) I've been reading a lot of C.S. Lewis for no particular reason other than the fact that I have a need to write a book report and no one to write for. Well, and the reason that somoen told me he was a pretty awesome writer which, as it turns out, is true. I read straight through the Chronicles of Narnia (which only took about 3 months, due to my rediculously long stop in between the Horse and His Boy and The Voyage of the Dawn Treader... for no particular reason) and now I am reading "A grief Observed" and "The Four Loves."

A grief observed may have admittedly been the reason for the outburst about my Aunt. I read it and started thinking that "if I had this book when my Grandmother died, perhaps my whole Christian journey would have been different.. perhaps I would have understood God more... understood prayer more" and then I got to thinking that I hadn't thought about my Grandmother in a while and then I got to thinking that my aunt has the same sickness and how dare God do this to another Mainelli woman and then I just stopped thinking. I just went completely blank. I had a mind halt.SCCCCCCCCCHREECH!!!! Maybe that's why I could sleep so long today. My mind sequestered itself.

And now for the Four Loves, by C.S. Lewis. Here's Miss. Underclassman to give us a dramatic reading of it: Just kidding I haven't actually read it yet... well I have... the first four pages... and it's turning out to be good.

And I think that's all the world changing I have left in me on this nothingness kind of day.

I don't really think I accomplished anything except for keeping my eyes open and my mind conscious.

i just spent the whole day in bed protesting life.

Well, not the whole day, seeing as it's 11:55 and I'm typing a blog. And not really protesting life, either. Just plain sleeping. Sleeping and enjoying the wicked dreams my brain came up with. I've been awake for about an hour just daydreaming in bed. I haven't done this since I was a kid.

The reason for my half-protest is half-exhaustion. I don't know whether it's a reaction to the emotion things I've been going through or the work stuff or just my body saying NO MORE LIFE! but I slept a good 12 hours and i feel as though i could stand another 8, but I'm so thouroughly disgusted with myself that i had to atleast be awake.

Wanna know what I dreamt about? Work. Family. Friends. The same things I live, only in fake distorted ways like only my subconcious minds can provide.

Wanna know what I day-dreamt about? Mr.Future Millionaire. Our perfect wedding. Our adorable kids. Him giving in to my whining and keeping the Buick that I love so much. Things only my semi concious mind can cook up.

Maybe I should just go back to bed and forget actually living today...

I hate having bad days. But what I love after having an awful day is coming home and seeing a random comment on my blog from someone I don't know. It makes a girl feel that much more heard, even if it's only about the activities of one's nostrils.

I also love steak. Flank steak, ribeye, skillet, skirt, cube... I just have a general affinity for beef. J'aime bien le biftec... biftec biftec...

So this entry is dangerously teetering on becoming another list of random thoughts only because today has been so awful, so horrid, so.. so forgettably bad that Imy mind is drawing a blank on how to communicate properly.

I have to share something on blogger that I have not yet. My aunt has cancer. My perfect, lovely, funny, sweet, awesome aunt who loves me more than life and loves life more than herself and loves Christ above all else has breast cancer. And I haven't called her. I haven't written her. I haven't made her dress (long story.) I haven't heard her tell me a joke since I found out because I'm afraid to call her and hear her be afraid. And I'm scared to tell her everything is going to be okay if in fact it turns out that even saints on earth have to die. I'm just plain selfish and stupid and young and scared that... that she might die. That the best christian woman I have to follow after and possibly the best I have ever known might be taken from me. forever. FOREVER. Well, okay not forever like eternity... but until I die and i see her in heaven... if she's even my aunt in heaven... if it even matters by then... FOREVER. FOREVER...

That's a long time...

I just put someone to sleep... That's a first for me.

I was having my nightly phone call from the previously un-aformentioned Mr... Mr... Mr.Cool, and we were making a list of things that annoy us/ make us cringe or generally ruin our lives when I noticed his voice getting fainter and fainter and finally, a light snoring sound on my side of the line. After a few "yoo-hoo"s and whispers of his name I finally smiled and bid him good night.

But, As for the list we made, here's just a small sampling of it:

1.) People who think Basketball is sponsored by the National Boxing league

2.)People who think that learning about culture and studying the world will make them demi-gods and therefore they are too self-sufficient for a Savior.

3.) People who think you owe them something. Or who think they own you. People who think that just because they're "nice enough" to you that you should bow to their will forever.

4.) People who think that You're selfish when you haven't got the time or energy to be there for them EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY.

5.) Hypocrites.

6.) The plastic sticky wrappy thingys on cds and DVDs.

7.) Friends who know nothing about you.

8.) People who complain when they are not perfect.

9.) People who complain when you're not perfect.

10.) When someone doesn't value your opinion as highly as their own.

11.) Brain freezes that hurt.

12.) Sneezing and never recieving a "bless you."

13.) Requiring that someone "Bless you." I know that 12 and 13 are seemingly in opposition, but if you're in the middle of a sentence and someone sneezes, or if they're on the telephone and you can't tell if they sneezed or coughed, or if you're on the telephone with someone else and they sneeze in the next room, there is no law that says you have to bless that person.

14.) Hearing people go to the bathroom.

15.) When people see fit to bring up embarassing/ hurtful/ horrid things from your past "just in jest."

16.) Smelly feet.

17.) People who sleep all day and are awake all night playing loud music or trying to get you to be awake all night.

18.) People who blame you for something they botched.

19.) People who are justified in their own minds about picking a fight/ picking on/ otherwise annoying and destroying peoples lives.

20.) People who make extremely long absurd lists about truths that everyone already agrees upon

There were more, but I can feel my readers dozing off "like the insesent out of tune of a violin"...

Night

I just had the worst possible dream. Worst only in comparison to life itself.

It was one of those dreams where you're so exhausted that your brain is too tired todream and now it's just reciting your days thoughts in the most random order. I was in Mr. Future millionaires room and he was showing me some paper only in dreams you supposidly can't read anything so I guess that doesn't matter. then he got down on one knee and started professing his love you me, most nearly the same way he did a year ago today. And then I said yes. But I said "yes Mr.Hamster" Then he pushed me off the cliff. And I woke up crying and apologizing to, oh yes, air.

Who does that? I would push me off the cliff too, Mr. Millionaire.

ok... Irony of ironies, I wrote a perfect blog entry today and a technical difficulty prevented it from being posted. (My computer ate it, atleast it wasn't an operator error this time) It was a perfect entry about a certain Mr's obnoxiously flighty sister, whom I have called both my bestf riend and my worst enemy, sometimes both in the span of a day.

But maybe I should take a hint that when blogger, my own hand, or my computer deems something I pour all of my heart and soul into worthless, that maybe I should change the topic or approach of that particular entry.

Instead of dishing the latest gossip and comtemplating the importance of the alliance that we sometimes form and how it affects life as I know it, I will list for you dilligent readers acceptable qualities for my Mr. Bunny, since I listed the qualities that he must not have in a former blog entry.

1. He must like creamy peanut butter. Miss. Loquacious would understand this reference. There is just no reason to have two types of peanut butter in one fridge, and I'm sure it means something if they would like crunchy peanut butter... But I'm not sure what that is...

2. He must live up to the name "Mr.Bunny" in it's simplest form. I'll refresh your memory: Mr. Bunny derives his name from the toppers that will be on our wedding cake. Any one who needs any more information than that is in obvious opposition to my needs...

3. He must be in love with me at first sight.

4. Non-christian applicants need not apply.

5. He must understand the humor and the rediculousness in #3.

6. He must like lip gloss. I wear it all the time and I don't plan on changing...

7. He must be ok with the attitude exemplified in #6.

And finally, #8. He must be able to ignore this whole list and/or make a list in strict oppostition to it.

If anyone wants more informantion on how to apply for the position of Mr.Bunny, call me.\

I have a bit of a dilemma that i would like to share with you all, without of course sharing names or any really specific details. But this is going to be difficult, so try and follow along and respond as best you can...

I have this "acquaintence." To be most specific, she is my soetime arch nemesis, sometime bosom buddy Mr.Hampster's sister. my problem isn't so much wioth her or how she treats people or her constant back and forth with me. My problem is with myself.

Mr.Hampster's sister is, in my mind, the number two reason why Mr.Hampster and I didn't get married and have 10 babies. (I am reason number one if you must know) She is coniving and backstabbing an self involved... But I feel for her. This world is cruel and it's easier to conform to it than anything. I feel like I could be exactly like her if I just gave up and gave in to the pressures of the world. The "You have to be perfect" pressure. The "You have to have a boyfriend" Pressure. The "You have to be too awesome or no one will even notice" Pressure. I feel like I could ruin people and then befriend them when they have no one else if only to turn them off to the world like i have been tainted if I only gave up... I guess that's why I have such a problem (when we're friends) when people talk about her. I have been caught in the gossip wave that is the topic of her and her behavior. But everytime I am "in her in group" so to speak, I feel this upswelling of compassion for her lost state. I feel like if she just had some dependable, steadying influence, she would stop being irratic and undependable and she would become the sweet, caring, funny person she can be when you're on her good side. But I don't know for sure if that would work for her because I can't seem to consent to being that influence. I can't seem to be nice to her all the time. I can't seem to have this compassion for her all the time. I am just not strong enough to help her.

What's a girl to do?

There is just no easy way to be completely loyal to someone who you hate for 9 months out of the year...

Ok so i know you all want to know about my blind date Saturday...

It was quite possibly the worst first-date experience I have ever had. He wouldn't talk to me. It was more like an interview really. We shook hands, we sat down, I asked questions, he answered, we went dutch, I went home an hour later than he did, we played dominoes with his sister and future brother-in-law, then i went to talk to my brother and went to bed while he watched anime with his sister and future brother in law. He's not even worthy of a mister title.

Ho-hum, the search for Mr.Bunny continues with no progress..

For those of you who might like to set me up with someone on a blind date, here are a few pointers for semi-success:

1. Don't set me up with someone younger than me... it just never works
2. Don't set me up with someone who can't talk. That's just lame.
3. Don't set me up with a gay guy. Been there, felt that...
4. Let me know if I can wear heels BEFORE i pick out my outfit for the date. There is nothing worse than meeting a 5'7'' guy in 4'' heels when we all know I'm tall enough.
5. If they're not christian, don't bother.
6. If they have the I.Q. of a colony of ants, don't bother.
7. If they use chopsticks as walrus teeth...
8. If they enjoy anime more than human interaction...
9. If they "want to beat"..
10. If they like talking ABOUT cars, jobs, school, The Civil War, Wal-mart, sex or any topic more than they like taling TO people...
11. If they are just lame...

As you can see by the ennumerated list i have supplied my future suitors and blind date set-ups, I'm not very particular. they don't have to be tall, handsome, genius, a certain age, or have particular hair quality/ color. They just have to be human. They hav to talk to me, they have to pretend to care about what i say, and they have to show some intelligent life. Other than that,it's free game. I'm low maintainence, I swear.

No more awful dates. Please.

AHAHAHHAHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOO! I JUST WROTE THE MOST PERFECT PROSE PEICE ABOUT MY LIFE AND I ERASED IT BECAUSE I'M A TYPOGRAPHICAL ERRORS WHORE!!!!!!!! DARN IT!

If I had a nickel for ever corn flarning time I have erased, deleted, or remove a file, Instant message or blog entry because of my fingers not listening to my brain lemme tell you how rich I'd be... RICH ENOUGH TO HAVE SOMEONE TYPE EVERYTHING FOR ME....

So I was just very thoughtfully reposed in the idea that I have known Heartbeaker for four whole years now and I had a very poignient social commentary on how switching bewtween sexual preferences changes everyones life, not just the homosexual, AND THEN I CLICKED A BUTTON AND IT DISAPEARED.

I would try and rewrite it as eloquently as it was intended, but truth be told I usually get so lost in my own unconcious writings that I can't normally recall their topics ten minutes or ten thougts later, let alone rewrite an entire perfect, thoughtful, stream-of-conciousness prose didactic on the world of love.

In short, Mr.Heartbreaker and I went on a picnic with his very nice, very smart, former christian boyfriend and had a very nice time eating gourmet food and looking out over the biggest mountain I've ever stood on. We chased geese, and talked about intelligent but not life altering things and took in the beautiful weather. But I can't help feeling awkward (or dare I say jealous?) when I think about the fact that someone that I might still be in love with (or just "in lust" with) is kissing another man. When I think about the fact that the definition of acceptable love has changed completely for him , I go a little spagetti brained, not to be confused with anything relating to spagetti stare...

The stress that his whole "life change" has afforded me makes me completely understand the reason for gray hairs and wrinkles. Does it make me crazy to be upset that the man to whom I almost offered my virginity to now takes comfort in his boyfriends kiss? Am I in the wrong for being upset everytime I see him kiss his BOYfriend and I think "Hey, thats not funny... I used to kiss him..."?

Truth be told, I believe that my life changes have offended his heart as well. I think me being a christian now is as hard for him to accept as his being gay is difficult on me. Four years and three failed attempts at perfect love later, and I think we know less about eachother than ever fathomable about friends who refuse to leave eachother for dead in this crazy world.

I may not get it at all and I may be thouroughly hurt and possibly disgusted when I see a man I gave my heart to kiss another man, but truth is i loved him. And you don't just stop loving someone or stop being attracted to someone when they've seen you through everything and they know every intimate detail about you for four years. There is a righteousness in loyalty.

I will not become a liar by my own actions. I promised him that I would always answer his call... and I can't go back on my word...

Bring on the gray, I have plenty of hair dye...

So I think I have finally found a dog that most likely represents my personality if I were, in fact, a dog.

This most annoying little pooch is named Patti. Patti is a bischon Frise (and that is french in case you never knew) Patti is a perfect specimen of dogness (as am I of humaness... as perfect as any pure-bred human can be...) she's tiny and jumpy and yappy and licky and fluffy like all bischons. She loves to love you in the most wet manner (doggy kisses are always french) and she hates it when you love someone more than her. She likes to be pet and she likes to be looked in the eye and she whines insesently when she feels as though you are not giving her enough attention. She never sleeps and she's never disappointed with anyones love. When told no, she tries harder, and when admonished, she loves longer. She's scared when she's alone and she hates to sleep in her cage. Patti has never been leash trained, but she rarely strays from heel position, because then she would feel to far away from things that she knew. Human's Love is Patti's only truth, and staying out of trouble is never an option.

Now if only I could be garanteed someones kindness just because I'm too cute and who else would take care of me if they didn't.... Then I would be as lucky as my annoying, licky, yappy, fluffy, tiny friend Patti.

Ok I get it. I just don't belong.

I'm like a round peg in a square hole, it may fit, but it doesn't really go there. Everywhere I turn, people welcome me with open arms, but then, it seems, they remember who I am or figure me out and they send me away. Because I'm not good enough. Because they don't need me. Because I JUST DON'T BELONG.

I read you loud and clear. I'm the only foster child with two living parents and who really wants the responsibility of raising an 18 year-old child who still needs a functional mother and father and a safe home and a warm bed and her freedom because she's grown all at once?

I've said it a million time, but I'll say it again fo those of you who missed it: I'm sorry I was born I can't fix it. I'm sorry I'm in your way, just say the word and I'll move. I'm sorry I love you and I'm not perfect, I'll try harder. I'm sorry for taking the air you wanted to breath and living the life you wanted to lead, but I promise soon I'll leave. As soon as I find another place where I can sort of belong until I ruin their lives.

Just wait a little while and I'll be dead, gone, or perfect, I promise...