"But you're just a girl"
"That's hardly my fault." She wiped another tear from her face and smeard it on my coat sleeve. We'd been drinking and smoking and laughing and crying all night and we'd come to the conclusion that neither one of us wants to bring a girl child into the world.
But she hardly minded being a girl. They only slightly battered her throughout the years and she had held my own. Sure, she was either obsessed over or cast aside, a dangerous rope to walk, but considering her natural akwardness and her untamed youth, she made it out relatively unscathed.
If there were a mirror of true beauty in my eyes, I would show her face to the world.
But there never was.
We took another shot at our cigarettes and realized that they had both burnt out. She towered over me when she stood and I could see her wobbling out of her all too high heels. I stood in time to steady her and lead her to the car.
Another long night. Another wasted tear. And I loved her even more with the mascara running down her face and her heals kicked off in my Camry, whispering "I wish every man could be like you, Young" in the freezing darkness. In the cool yellow street light her words shown on her face as we drove away and she dosed off to forget that we'd ever cried or laughed or dreamed or drank.
Monday, December 31, 2007
I think it's ironic that you mark Single on your myspace but you're really married.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
MEETING MY DEADLINES
Like a good student.
Here's my T13. Read em and weep. Or laugh, I guess it's all perogative.
13 reasons why I need a vacation:
1. I can't stay awake without a Grande Triple Mocha with two pumps Almond and Caramel sauce add whip
2. I have no time during the week to do my piano homework.
3. My fake dundalk nails look for serious screwed up
4. I like going to the gym. Without having to get up at 5:30 AM.
5. I miss Baby Stacey.
6. I need to apply for College.
7. I need to call Jeff and tell him that I applied.
8. I need to get divorced.
9. I have library books that are 6 months late. I am sick of the Hate mail from the BCPL.
10. I would like to take a vacation for about 6 months during indoor volleyball season to coach.
11. There's a crack in my windshield less than a week after I got my car back from the shop. (which took 3 weeks and 2400 dollars more than anticipated)
12. I owe 13.43 people dates.
13. I want to be a real live 21 year old girl!!!
I hope this all atleast made some sense. To those of you that work two jobs, or have kids, or go to school I'm sure you understand.
Here's my T13. Read em and weep. Or laugh, I guess it's all perogative.
13 reasons why I need a vacation:
1. I can't stay awake without a Grande Triple Mocha with two pumps Almond and Caramel sauce add whip
2. I have no time during the week to do my piano homework.
3. My fake dundalk nails look for serious screwed up
4. I like going to the gym. Without having to get up at 5:30 AM.
5. I miss Baby Stacey.
6. I need to apply for College.
7. I need to call Jeff and tell him that I applied.
8. I need to get divorced.
9. I have library books that are 6 months late. I am sick of the Hate mail from the BCPL.
10. I would like to take a vacation for about 6 months during indoor volleyball season to coach.
11. There's a crack in my windshield less than a week after I got my car back from the shop. (which took 3 weeks and 2400 dollars more than anticipated)
12. I owe 13.43 people dates.
13. I want to be a real live 21 year old girl!!!
I hope this all atleast made some sense. To those of you that work two jobs, or have kids, or go to school I'm sure you understand.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Another Week Old-Eh
Something of no consiquence to much of anyone in particular, my Thirteen favorite songs for this week. As always in no real order than that of disorder:
1. Poem, Taproot, Welcome
2. Peice of Me, Britney Spears, Blackout
3. In the Middle, Jimmy Eat World, Bleed America
4. Firecracker, Josh Turner, Everything is Fine
5. Stop this Train, John Mayer, Continuum
6. Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered, Ella Fitzgerald, Pal Joey
7. If, Dean Martin, Dino: The Essential Dean Martin
8. I don't wanna be in Love, Good Charlotte, Good Morning Revival
9. Thnks fr th Mmrs, Fall Out Boy, Infinity on High
10. Gotta Get Through This, Daniel Beddingfield, Gotta Get Through This
11. Absolutely Zero, Jason Mraz, Tonight, Not Again: Jason Mraz Live at The Eagles Ballroom
12. Gone to The Movies, Semisonic, Feeling Strangely Fine
13. Getting Into You, Relient K, Two Lefts Don't Make a Right
I hope you like it. On second thought and more typically me, I don't really mind either way. It was good for me.
1. Poem, Taproot, Welcome
2. Peice of Me, Britney Spears, Blackout
3. In the Middle, Jimmy Eat World, Bleed America
4. Firecracker, Josh Turner, Everything is Fine
5. Stop this Train, John Mayer, Continuum
6. Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered, Ella Fitzgerald, Pal Joey
7. If, Dean Martin, Dino: The Essential Dean Martin
8. I don't wanna be in Love, Good Charlotte, Good Morning Revival
9. Thnks fr th Mmrs, Fall Out Boy, Infinity on High
10. Gotta Get Through This, Daniel Beddingfield, Gotta Get Through This
11. Absolutely Zero, Jason Mraz, Tonight, Not Again: Jason Mraz Live at The Eagles Ballroom
12. Gone to The Movies, Semisonic, Feeling Strangely Fine
13. Getting Into You, Relient K, Two Lefts Don't Make a Right
I hope you like it. On second thought and more typically me, I don't really mind either way. It was good for me.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Eat Love Pray and a few more verbs
A good friend of mine is reading through Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat Love Pray" and we are both benefiting.
My friend/ coworker is a fellow "Lesbian Fat girl club" (for those of you that don't know, don't ask. And yes, we get to wear hats) She is also a fellow woman who is strong and young and pretty and has dreams and wants things to go right for once. She's not a christian, she doesn't eat meat and we disagree on a number of things other than that but when it comes right down to it, we are pretty close.
She is going through a long and drawn out split from her tragic booyfriend which reminds me much of my own station in life at this particular time. We have been complaining to one another about sleepless nights lately. Of missing our collective "hiim"s. Of our respective loves moving on and living fruitful lives without us and leaving us to clean up the mess they made out of our lives.
After reading a particular passage in Ms. Gilberts book, the two of us just looked at eachother and laughed. It's a great page long explanation of how we loose ourselves and give of ourselves to our mates to the point that our own self and desires and personality are extinct.
About how we would give of our time, money, our dogs time, our dogs money, the sun the rain and, when those would not do, sunchecks and rainchecks and love and peanut butter and jelly and sex and poems and brains and silence and music and all those other things one is or is not even entitled to will away to another person.
We laughed because we understood. We laughed because we knew that's what we'd done. We laughed to erase the thoughts of how pathetic we were. We laughed because we realized now that we were owed all those things we so carelessly gave to someone else. We laughed to save ou sanity and excercise our vocal chords. We laughed to keep from crying and beating ourselves up.
Another, less poetic outlet I have settled on for my pent up heart break and feeling of loneliness and faliure is the new delicious Britney Spears album. It's all about sex and desperation and regrets and I love it. Because it has no depth. Because it is so desperate. Because in my mind Britney's a real person with real feelings who might just be disapointed in herself and her choices. And now she's trying to figure out what she wants. Without all of her clothes on. Poor thing.
Poor me. Cheer's to poetry, music and the art of desire.
My friend/ coworker is a fellow "Lesbian Fat girl club" (for those of you that don't know, don't ask. And yes, we get to wear hats) She is also a fellow woman who is strong and young and pretty and has dreams and wants things to go right for once. She's not a christian, she doesn't eat meat and we disagree on a number of things other than that but when it comes right down to it, we are pretty close.
She is going through a long and drawn out split from her tragic booyfriend which reminds me much of my own station in life at this particular time. We have been complaining to one another about sleepless nights lately. Of missing our collective "hiim"s. Of our respective loves moving on and living fruitful lives without us and leaving us to clean up the mess they made out of our lives.
After reading a particular passage in Ms. Gilberts book, the two of us just looked at eachother and laughed. It's a great page long explanation of how we loose ourselves and give of ourselves to our mates to the point that our own self and desires and personality are extinct.
About how we would give of our time, money, our dogs time, our dogs money, the sun the rain and, when those would not do, sunchecks and rainchecks and love and peanut butter and jelly and sex and poems and brains and silence and music and all those other things one is or is not even entitled to will away to another person.
We laughed because we understood. We laughed because we knew that's what we'd done. We laughed to erase the thoughts of how pathetic we were. We laughed because we realized now that we were owed all those things we so carelessly gave to someone else. We laughed to save ou sanity and excercise our vocal chords. We laughed to keep from crying and beating ourselves up.
Another, less poetic outlet I have settled on for my pent up heart break and feeling of loneliness and faliure is the new delicious Britney Spears album. It's all about sex and desperation and regrets and I love it. Because it has no depth. Because it is so desperate. Because in my mind Britney's a real person with real feelings who might just be disapointed in herself and her choices. And now she's trying to figure out what she wants. Without all of her clothes on. Poor thing.
Poor me. Cheer's to poetry, music and the art of desire.
Friday, December 14, 2007
CHEATING
BUT I COULDN'T RESIST.
Here's my Thursday Thirteen for Yesterday. Ever since I heard about this fantasical idea of making up a list of thirteen things for no reason and every reason, I had to jump on the bandwagon. We're now listening to crazy riding tunes like "pump up the Volume" and talking about things that happened "back in the day" if you want to join us...
THURSDAY THIRTEEN:
THIRTEEN THINGS THAT I WOULD NEVER CHANGE ABOUT MY LIFE. IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER.
1. My new, huge, gorgeous tattoo.
2. The time, though small, that I was given to get to know my grandmother.
3. My crazy work schedule. Which I am altering slightly thruogh sheer exhaustion.
4. Mr. Hamster and that whold period in my life.
5. Working in Radio.
6. Taking spelling in Elementary school.
7. Reading Isaiah and Joshua about 13 times through and in and out.
8. Going to a ghetto high school and meeting the most amazing, interesting, strange, funny influential people I will ever know.
9. Getting married to the idea of a man that my husband was supposed to turn out to be.
10. Taking off the wedding ring and being alive now to tell the tale and help other women and men in my position.
11. My dream to someday write a best selling book about my life and the lives of those funny, interesting, influential characters.
12. My best friend. And I won't name him here but he knows who he is and what he has done for me and that forever isn't long enough :)
13. My Name. No matter how many times it changes itself, I will hold true in my mind to what it is.
I don't care if it was good for you, that was good for me.
Here's my Thursday Thirteen for Yesterday. Ever since I heard about this fantasical idea of making up a list of thirteen things for no reason and every reason, I had to jump on the bandwagon. We're now listening to crazy riding tunes like "pump up the Volume" and talking about things that happened "back in the day" if you want to join us...
THURSDAY THIRTEEN:
THIRTEEN THINGS THAT I WOULD NEVER CHANGE ABOUT MY LIFE. IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER.
1. My new, huge, gorgeous tattoo.
2. The time, though small, that I was given to get to know my grandmother.
3. My crazy work schedule. Which I am altering slightly thruogh sheer exhaustion.
4. Mr. Hamster and that whold period in my life.
5. Working in Radio.
6. Taking spelling in Elementary school.
7. Reading Isaiah and Joshua about 13 times through and in and out.
8. Going to a ghetto high school and meeting the most amazing, interesting, strange, funny influential people I will ever know.
9. Getting married to the idea of a man that my husband was supposed to turn out to be.
10. Taking off the wedding ring and being alive now to tell the tale and help other women and men in my position.
11. My dream to someday write a best selling book about my life and the lives of those funny, interesting, influential characters.
12. My best friend. And I won't name him here but he knows who he is and what he has done for me and that forever isn't long enough :)
13. My Name. No matter how many times it changes itself, I will hold true in my mind to what it is.
I don't care if it was good for you, that was good for me.
Monday, December 10, 2007
MORE Misadventures of Young John
"But Dude" he inserts a dramatic pause here to take a long drag of his Marlboro Medium and blow out the excess from the side of his crooked, perfect mouth. Resuming his thought, "I'm getting divorced"
I don't know why he was so surprised by his own admission. Had he never thought about it before now? Had he forgotten since he arrived here? Did he think I wouldn't understand what he meant by 'divorce'?
'If you're not the one' by Daniel Beddingfield, one of my men you must listen to and love, started running through my mind at the final difficult breath of his admission to misery.
Oh Johnny, if you only knew.
If you only knew that I understand completely. If you only knew how empty I feel when I look down at my naked ring finger. If you only knew that I know what it's like to wake up and wonder where your life has gone. I know what it's like to be facing the option of "single, married, divorced" on your myspace and wondering which one is right. Wondering when you're going to be let go from this limbo.
"I'm not Single"
Said Not-So-Young John
"I'm not Married"
Said John with a sigh
"I'm not divorced"
He let go of his last most painful breath
I'm not anything either, Young John.
I don't know why he was so surprised by his own admission. Had he never thought about it before now? Had he forgotten since he arrived here? Did he think I wouldn't understand what he meant by 'divorce'?
'If you're not the one' by Daniel Beddingfield, one of my men you must listen to and love, started running through my mind at the final difficult breath of his admission to misery.
Oh Johnny, if you only knew.
If you only knew that I understand completely. If you only knew how empty I feel when I look down at my naked ring finger. If you only knew that I know what it's like to wake up and wonder where your life has gone. I know what it's like to be facing the option of "single, married, divorced" on your myspace and wondering which one is right. Wondering when you're going to be let go from this limbo.
"I'm not Single"
Said Not-So-Young John
"I'm not Married"
Said John with a sigh
"I'm not divorced"
He let go of his last most painful breath
I'm not anything either, Young John.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Simple pleasure...
Having a dream about something silly... a nose bleed, a car accident, a package... And then having all of those things come true and spending the next week thinking you are a psychic.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
I thought I was above it,
But I'm not. I hate you. There I said it.
I hate you and everything you stand for.
I hate marijuana and I hate rebels and I hate tax evaders.
I hate professing, un practicing Christians.
I hate fakes and phonies. I hate lies and decietful behaviours.
I hate uncouthed individuals with clean hair and dirty minds. I hate people who refuse to brush their teeth. I hate people who consistantly eat after 10 pm. I hate people who answer the phone before 6 am. I hate you and your arian looks. And your manicured nails with the oil stains still lingering, embedded in the nail.
I hate people who don't believe in heating and cooling units. I hate communists and purists and doomsday sayers. I hate people who read the wind and the trees and the birds and the snow and the dogs. I hate people with more rifles than cars. I hate your trainwreck of a house that should have never been fixed up and your ghetto fabulous stables and gyms and farming equipment.
I hate "republicans" who don't agree with war, even though at it's very root it causes the society a great upheaval in goods and jobs.
I hate pe4ople who threaten other people. I hate people who could dream of disowning someone for who they loved or thought they loved or pretended to love. I hate people who beat would beat or might beat their children. I hate people with severe self hate. And Eating disorders.
Everything.... Just everything.
I hate you and everything you stand for.
I hate marijuana and I hate rebels and I hate tax evaders.
I hate professing, un practicing Christians.
I hate fakes and phonies. I hate lies and decietful behaviours.
I hate uncouthed individuals with clean hair and dirty minds. I hate people who refuse to brush their teeth. I hate people who consistantly eat after 10 pm. I hate people who answer the phone before 6 am. I hate you and your arian looks. And your manicured nails with the oil stains still lingering, embedded in the nail.
I hate people who don't believe in heating and cooling units. I hate communists and purists and doomsday sayers. I hate people who read the wind and the trees and the birds and the snow and the dogs. I hate people with more rifles than cars. I hate your trainwreck of a house that should have never been fixed up and your ghetto fabulous stables and gyms and farming equipment.
I hate "republicans" who don't agree with war, even though at it's very root it causes the society a great upheaval in goods and jobs.
I hate pe4ople who threaten other people. I hate people who could dream of disowning someone for who they loved or thought they loved or pretended to love. I hate people who beat would beat or might beat their children. I hate people with severe self hate. And Eating disorders.
Everything.... Just everything.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHO WHO
Who are you? WHO are you? WHO ARE you? Who are YOU? Who're you?
Who are you to assume that you know anything about my life and time and the things i wirte about and the truths or lies or fantasies i own? Who are you to assume authority when replying to things I write or think or say or do?
To answer your comment, I say that i am sincere and transparent because i can say whatever I want about myslef. I can mean it or not I can lie or tell the truth I can mimic or be original. BECAUSE THIS IS MINE. THIS BLOG IS MINE. THIS LIFE IS MINE.
Stop trying to take this away from me!
I have made up my mind and that is what my last blog was all about. Admitting my faults. Saying that I am wrong and that i hate myself for it. Admitting weakness and room to grow and be free.
I do- forever. I will forever love and forever be me and forever eat turkey sandwiches. All of which are life and nothing all at once. Forver means Forever. And that is all. i will forever love those I choose to love whether or not I choose to allow them to ruin me or not is up to me and God.
I hold truth to all that i say because it is my feelin gs and my feelings are true. i am allowed to truthfully feel cheated and guilty and sad and free and happy and persecuted and loved all at the same time. and all are true whether they are in oposition or not. AND YOU CANNOT TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME! And he cannot take that away from me. Even God cannot tell me when and how to feel.
My words have value. TO ME. I value my freedom to speak and wirte and sing. I trade in the currency of words everyday for new feelings, ideas and beings. I value my opinion and that is all this is about.
STOP TRYING TO JUDGE ME.
Or else I will just die and make your life as mundane and useless as you see mine.
Who are you to assume that you know anything about my life and time and the things i wirte about and the truths or lies or fantasies i own? Who are you to assume authority when replying to things I write or think or say or do?
To answer your comment, I say that i am sincere and transparent because i can say whatever I want about myslef. I can mean it or not I can lie or tell the truth I can mimic or be original. BECAUSE THIS IS MINE. THIS BLOG IS MINE. THIS LIFE IS MINE.
Stop trying to take this away from me!
I have made up my mind and that is what my last blog was all about. Admitting my faults. Saying that I am wrong and that i hate myself for it. Admitting weakness and room to grow and be free.
I do- forever. I will forever love and forever be me and forever eat turkey sandwiches. All of which are life and nothing all at once. Forver means Forever. And that is all. i will forever love those I choose to love whether or not I choose to allow them to ruin me or not is up to me and God.
I hold truth to all that i say because it is my feelin gs and my feelings are true. i am allowed to truthfully feel cheated and guilty and sad and free and happy and persecuted and loved all at the same time. and all are true whether they are in oposition or not. AND YOU CANNOT TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME! And he cannot take that away from me. Even God cannot tell me when and how to feel.
My words have value. TO ME. I value my freedom to speak and wirte and sing. I trade in the currency of words everyday for new feelings, ideas and beings. I value my opinion and that is all this is about.
STOP TRYING TO JUDGE ME.
Or else I will just die and make your life as mundane and useless as you see mine.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
YES... but why?
YES... I love you.
YES... I miss you.
YES... I hate the thought that you might move on and forget that I ever existed.
YES... I feel guilty hoping to see an image of you, curled up in a corner, calling out my name in a psychotic break.
YES... I wish you didn't suck.
YES... I feel guilty for not sticking by you and helping you.
YES... I'm more happy to be alive and unburdened than I am guilty.
YES... I walk around terrified that at any moment you may pop up and try/ kidnap me and hide me away in a mountainside.
YES... I dream about you every night. Most of which are horrifying nightmares. But thats nothing new.
YES... I cry myslef to sleep most nights.
YES.. I cried more when I was with you and suffered more at your hand than any time in my life before or since.
YES... without your love I feel dirty, ugly, and, well, "Certified Pre- owned"
YES.. . I do certain actions with the hopes that you may find out and be crushed.
YES... I feel guilty for all of those moments as well.
WHY? Because I truly loved you whether you ever gave me a second thought or not. Because I was tricked by the devil himself into attaching myself to you. Because I wanted to be enough for both of us. I wanted to love you enough and keep you safe from drugs and your family and my family and the world and I know now that I was asking too much. Because I am not an angel or God or even a princess. I have no control or even ability to contribute to your hapiness. Because the sex really was that good, even if it was my first consentual experience. Because I have been told my whole life that no one would ever want me and I was blind when you said you might. Because I had a plan. Because I have people who expect things from me and I couldn't handle the pressure. Because I liked having someone to hold me at night... that is when you were home and didn't smell like stale beer and weren't mad at me for some uncontrollable reason. Because I meant it when I said I do forever.
I'M SORRY... for being so sincere and transparent. I wish I were able to lie or be deviant like you. Then maybe this wouldn't feel like this.
YES... I miss you.
YES... I hate the thought that you might move on and forget that I ever existed.
YES... I feel guilty hoping to see an image of you, curled up in a corner, calling out my name in a psychotic break.
YES... I wish you didn't suck.
YES... I feel guilty for not sticking by you and helping you.
YES... I'm more happy to be alive and unburdened than I am guilty.
YES... I walk around terrified that at any moment you may pop up and try/ kidnap me and hide me away in a mountainside.
YES... I dream about you every night. Most of which are horrifying nightmares. But thats nothing new.
YES... I cry myslef to sleep most nights.
YES.. I cried more when I was with you and suffered more at your hand than any time in my life before or since.
YES... without your love I feel dirty, ugly, and, well, "Certified Pre- owned"
YES.. . I do certain actions with the hopes that you may find out and be crushed.
YES... I feel guilty for all of those moments as well.
WHY? Because I truly loved you whether you ever gave me a second thought or not. Because I was tricked by the devil himself into attaching myself to you. Because I wanted to be enough for both of us. I wanted to love you enough and keep you safe from drugs and your family and my family and the world and I know now that I was asking too much. Because I am not an angel or God or even a princess. I have no control or even ability to contribute to your hapiness. Because the sex really was that good, even if it was my first consentual experience. Because I have been told my whole life that no one would ever want me and I was blind when you said you might. Because I had a plan. Because I have people who expect things from me and I couldn't handle the pressure. Because I liked having someone to hold me at night... that is when you were home and didn't smell like stale beer and weren't mad at me for some uncontrollable reason. Because I meant it when I said I do forever.
I'M SORRY... for being so sincere and transparent. I wish I were able to lie or be deviant like you. Then maybe this wouldn't feel like this.
Friday, November 02, 2007
The whole truth and nothing but
Just thought you might like to know that I am not a liar.
Nor did I ever promise to devulge everything here. So quit looking for everything and just enjoy the music.
Music is real and true whether you like it or not.
Nor did I ever promise to devulge everything here. So quit looking for everything and just enjoy the music.
Music is real and true whether you like it or not.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Just because you say it's so...
Have you ever heard someone say "Pratice makes perfect?"
It's a lie. PERFECT practice makes perfect.
Just like the saying "Only two things in life are constant: Everyone dies, and everyone pays taxes"
LIES. I could live in the jungle with the animals and eat like a venus fly trap and never pay taxes. or die before I ever paid and then I would beat the system. And there are a many things in life just as true as death. Like blood and rain and chocolate and touch.
So stop lieing and tricking a too well trusting world.
It's a lie. PERFECT practice makes perfect.
Just like the saying "Only two things in life are constant: Everyone dies, and everyone pays taxes"
LIES. I could live in the jungle with the animals and eat like a venus fly trap and never pay taxes. or die before I ever paid and then I would beat the system. And there are a many things in life just as true as death. Like blood and rain and chocolate and touch.
So stop lieing and tricking a too well trusting world.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
I feel...
Dopey.
Tired.
Weather- beaten.
Cold.
Like Singing.
a little life-drunk.
My simple pleasure for today?
Sleeping alone and knowing that it's the right thing to do.
My secret?
Prayer. Every moment... "when sorrows like Sea billows Roll"
My new Favorite song?
"Not to far from Here"
Best thing to do with my fingers?
Tinkle the ivories.
It can only get better from here.
And, like Dane Cook Says, "I Did my Best."
Tired.
Weather- beaten.
Cold.
Like Singing.
a little life-drunk.
My simple pleasure for today?
Sleeping alone and knowing that it's the right thing to do.
My secret?
Prayer. Every moment... "when sorrows like Sea billows Roll"
My new Favorite song?
"Not to far from Here"
Best thing to do with my fingers?
Tinkle the ivories.
It can only get better from here.
And, like Dane Cook Says, "I Did my Best."
Sunday, October 28, 2007
As crude as it may seem...
I will do what i wish to do with my blog.
I WILL comment your comments and blog your comments and talk about your comments and maybe even publish your comments in the FOR SALE section of the Carroll County Times.
Back off, stepy mcgee. You're part of MY show now.
I WILL comment your comments and blog your comments and talk about your comments and maybe even publish your comments in the FOR SALE section of the Carroll County Times.
Back off, stepy mcgee. You're part of MY show now.
Friday, October 19, 2007
What was said after the down fall of Roma...
"Well, I hardly know where to begin.
As I am sure you all well know, He and I have been separated for two weeks now. But as you can imagine, we have struggled through much more time and effort to get to this point. I was, to say the least, especially surpised that you would contact me now that we are having such troubles, but I can only attribute it to everyone's desires for our well being and happiness.
I thank you for this opportunity to share in this experience with you, but I regret to inform you of my true feelings that keep me from this endeavor. Rather than waste everyones time and effort, or in a worse case, rather than join the effort with an unsure heart, I must decline a project that would require me to work so closely with Him and you for such a long amount of time.
While I dealry love you son and have prayed for him, he has allowed such transgressions against my person that I no longer wish to sustain contact with him. He has gambled away more than $1,500 of our money, he has become unmanagable in his alcohol abuse, I suspect him of unfaithfulness among other troubles and I believe that only intensive therapy can help him fight the demons he faces.
I am sorry that I didn't tell you everything when we spoke, but I honestly felt in my heart that he and I could work everything out. As a matter of fact, the night that I recieved your phone call, I left work early to return to our apartment for the first time in two weeks. To make a long story short, when I got there I was not greeted by my husband, but by two prostitutes and an older gentleman weilding crack pipes. You can only imagine my sorrow when He did finally show only to be irrate with his guests for allowing me to enter my own apartment and while cursing his new "friends" for giving him a wrong house number. He said he was on his way to pick up one of their friends, but you can imagine what I believe him to have been looking for.
Someone needs to speak to him. He is more than out of control. He's lost. I know your first reaction is to blame me or my family or our lifestyle. But I assure you, I have done nothing but help him and bare with his insecurities, his wild behavior, and his inconsistancy.
My mother has helped us get his beloved Jeep and pay our rent most of the time while he stole from me and everyone we knew. I have spent many nights alone, wondering if he were safe, only to find him in the downstairs apartment with a known drug dealer and felon. To say that I have not tried to help him would accuse me of never loving him. If I didn't love him, none of this would hurt me to say or to live through.
We have all encouraged him in his strengths and helped him find a job that suits him. We have done nothing but praise his efforts and ultimately overlooks his challenges.
He has promised me the world time and time again, but I don't want the world. Or Greatness. Or Wealth. I just pray for his safety and the deliverance of His peace upon my husband.
Please, take good care of him. Get him professional help. Whether it be a therapist, a drug counselor, a pastor... anything. I wouldn't wish what I have suffered with him on anyone, that is why I suggest you not be alone with him in his time of need. Professionals are trained to help people develop the skills they need while not being hurt by their actions in the end.
I am sorry. I am sorry that I couldn't save him, but ultimately, I can't make the decisions he needs to make for himself. He has to want to be a good and righteous man before he will even here what I want for him.
God Bless, and should you need to contact me, don't be hurt if I don't answer the phone. After all of our financial troubles, I may have to turn it off for a week or so, but I can always reach a computer. I don't even know how to tell you to contact your son. I don't know the company he keeps or where he is, for all I know he's with you now, reading this.
With Love-
A broken hearted Mrs"
To those of you that never knew, I loved him through all of this and more than you could imagine. I believe that to have been my strength and this, my solitude and reflection, my weakness.
"Feeling . . . clamoured wildly. “Oh, comply!” it said. “. . . soothe him; save him; love him; tell him you love him and will be his. Who in the world cares for you? or who will be injured by what you do?” Still indomitable was the reply: “I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself. I will keep the law given by God; sanctioned by man. I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad—as I am now. Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation . . . They have a worth—so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am insane—quite insane: with my veins running fire, and my heart beating faster than I can count its throbs.”
OH CHARLOTTE!
As I am sure you all well know, He and I have been separated for two weeks now. But as you can imagine, we have struggled through much more time and effort to get to this point. I was, to say the least, especially surpised that you would contact me now that we are having such troubles, but I can only attribute it to everyone's desires for our well being and happiness.
I thank you for this opportunity to share in this experience with you, but I regret to inform you of my true feelings that keep me from this endeavor. Rather than waste everyones time and effort, or in a worse case, rather than join the effort with an unsure heart, I must decline a project that would require me to work so closely with Him and you for such a long amount of time.
While I dealry love you son and have prayed for him, he has allowed such transgressions against my person that I no longer wish to sustain contact with him. He has gambled away more than $1,500 of our money, he has become unmanagable in his alcohol abuse, I suspect him of unfaithfulness among other troubles and I believe that only intensive therapy can help him fight the demons he faces.
I am sorry that I didn't tell you everything when we spoke, but I honestly felt in my heart that he and I could work everything out. As a matter of fact, the night that I recieved your phone call, I left work early to return to our apartment for the first time in two weeks. To make a long story short, when I got there I was not greeted by my husband, but by two prostitutes and an older gentleman weilding crack pipes. You can only imagine my sorrow when He did finally show only to be irrate with his guests for allowing me to enter my own apartment and while cursing his new "friends" for giving him a wrong house number. He said he was on his way to pick up one of their friends, but you can imagine what I believe him to have been looking for.
Someone needs to speak to him. He is more than out of control. He's lost. I know your first reaction is to blame me or my family or our lifestyle. But I assure you, I have done nothing but help him and bare with his insecurities, his wild behavior, and his inconsistancy.
My mother has helped us get his beloved Jeep and pay our rent most of the time while he stole from me and everyone we knew. I have spent many nights alone, wondering if he were safe, only to find him in the downstairs apartment with a known drug dealer and felon. To say that I have not tried to help him would accuse me of never loving him. If I didn't love him, none of this would hurt me to say or to live through.
We have all encouraged him in his strengths and helped him find a job that suits him. We have done nothing but praise his efforts and ultimately overlooks his challenges.
He has promised me the world time and time again, but I don't want the world. Or Greatness. Or Wealth. I just pray for his safety and the deliverance of His peace upon my husband.
Please, take good care of him. Get him professional help. Whether it be a therapist, a drug counselor, a pastor... anything. I wouldn't wish what I have suffered with him on anyone, that is why I suggest you not be alone with him in his time of need. Professionals are trained to help people develop the skills they need while not being hurt by their actions in the end.
I am sorry. I am sorry that I couldn't save him, but ultimately, I can't make the decisions he needs to make for himself. He has to want to be a good and righteous man before he will even here what I want for him.
God Bless, and should you need to contact me, don't be hurt if I don't answer the phone. After all of our financial troubles, I may have to turn it off for a week or so, but I can always reach a computer. I don't even know how to tell you to contact your son. I don't know the company he keeps or where he is, for all I know he's with you now, reading this.
With Love-
A broken hearted Mrs"
To those of you that never knew, I loved him through all of this and more than you could imagine. I believe that to have been my strength and this, my solitude and reflection, my weakness.
"Feeling . . . clamoured wildly. “Oh, comply!” it said. “. . . soothe him; save him; love him; tell him you love him and will be his. Who in the world cares for you? or who will be injured by what you do?” Still indomitable was the reply: “I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself. I will keep the law given by God; sanctioned by man. I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad—as I am now. Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation . . . They have a worth—so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am insane—quite insane: with my veins running fire, and my heart beating faster than I can count its throbs.”
OH CHARLOTTE!
Sunday, October 14, 2007
The Misadventures of Young John
Young John read outloud what she had written. "dreams that are nothing and realities that are dreams.... fascinating" He marveled and mused a minute as he pulled her close to him and whispered these utterances and findings and fascinations.
She awoke with a great start. Still half falling, half limb less, she grasped at the air for an alarm that never existed. He handed her the paper and she read aloud about dreams and realities and nothingness.
They paused, both there, both feeling, both in existance. And wondered.
"All motion, including the expansion of the universe, is the result of a disturbance of equilibrium."- Someone smarter than I or Young John.
She awoke with a great start. Still half falling, half limb less, she grasped at the air for an alarm that never existed. He handed her the paper and she read aloud about dreams and realities and nothingness.
They paused, both there, both feeling, both in existance. And wondered.
"All motion, including the expansion of the universe, is the result of a disturbance of equilibrium."- Someone smarter than I or Young John.
Monday, October 01, 2007
I will find peace
Strong? Me? How could you think that i were strong? If I were, I wouldn't have bothered with him. If I were strong like you think, I would have been much more content to sit and wait and wish.
I would have kept on looking or ignoring the love I thought I wanted until it found me and sprung upon me a great peace, rather than the tumultuos deluge the last 2 years have turned out to be.
If I were strong i would have found contentment in the peace of knowing he wasn't for me, rather than chasing him down and forcing him to lie about what he was and who he needed.
Granted i have avoided a greater failing. I have performed preventative maintenance on my life and found a temporary repreive. I can sigh relief for a moment in knowing that things can only get better.
But if I were strong, I would never have had cause to regret whom I chose to give my life to.
I would have kept on looking or ignoring the love I thought I wanted until it found me and sprung upon me a great peace, rather than the tumultuos deluge the last 2 years have turned out to be.
If I were strong i would have found contentment in the peace of knowing he wasn't for me, rather than chasing him down and forcing him to lie about what he was and who he needed.
Granted i have avoided a greater failing. I have performed preventative maintenance on my life and found a temporary repreive. I can sigh relief for a moment in knowing that things can only get better.
But if I were strong, I would never have had cause to regret whom I chose to give my life to.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Something waiting
i sit here iwth so much to do and sleep in my eyes. waiting. I sit here driving, thinking, crying, laughing, working, waiting. I walk, I talk I sing, I skip, I wait.
I wait for deliverance. I wait for paitence, I wait for understanding.
I wait to the line to move, I wait for the right time, I wait for a drink at the bar.
I wait for the most important things and the most simple things and the mind boggling things and the crazy things.
I wait for the mail, I wait for the water to boil I wait for the music to start.
But I don't wait for you. You ran past me in a blur and you were so indistinguished and unkempt and loud and sad and unneccessary.
And I don't wait for you.
I wait for deliverance. I wait for paitence, I wait for understanding.
I wait to the line to move, I wait for the right time, I wait for a drink at the bar.
I wait for the most important things and the most simple things and the mind boggling things and the crazy things.
I wait for the mail, I wait for the water to boil I wait for the music to start.
But I don't wait for you. You ran past me in a blur and you were so indistinguished and unkempt and loud and sad and unneccessary.
And I don't wait for you.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
This is all just a bad dream... This is all just a bad dream... This is all just a bad dream...
I had a thought that ran through my brain and exhausted me last night.
I realized that i have been waiting to wake up.
"The last three years were just pretend."
I go to bed every night, praying that I can find so relief in the reality of dreams and i wake up every morning to the same ol' same ol'. I wake up thinking "today is a new day. Everything is behind me. All the really horrible things never really happened" I wander around all day in a haze, trully believe the crap I sold myself upon waking. And then it hits me. All at once, like a ton of bricks. Nothing is over. Nothing is resolved. Nothing makes any sense yet.
Screw Reality.
I realized that i have been waiting to wake up.
"The last three years were just pretend."
I go to bed every night, praying that I can find so relief in the reality of dreams and i wake up every morning to the same ol' same ol'. I wake up thinking "today is a new day. Everything is behind me. All the really horrible things never really happened" I wander around all day in a haze, trully believe the crap I sold myself upon waking. And then it hits me. All at once, like a ton of bricks. Nothing is over. Nothing is resolved. Nothing makes any sense yet.
Screw Reality.
Friday, August 24, 2007
Wrong side of the world...
I definatly woke up angry this morning. I wish I could blame it on sleeplessness but I slept until 11 yesterday. BECAUSE I COULD. Becasue I couldn't think or talk or listen any more and I had to find time alone somehow.
This Fing sucks. I just want you all to know that. He sucks, what he's done sucks, how I feel sucks.
OK. Screw this. No more sucking. There's this local radio station tha does soemthing called "Simple Pleasures" The DJs will talk about easy fun nice things that make them smile and then they will take phone calls. I'm going to do this from time to time to remind myself that even if your husband is a dirty drunk who gambles away your life and then stuffs whats left of your money into a crack pipe and some dirty whore's unmentionables, there's still a silver lining to life.
My simple Pleasure:
Clean underwear.
This Fing sucks. I just want you all to know that. He sucks, what he's done sucks, how I feel sucks.
OK. Screw this. No more sucking. There's this local radio station tha does soemthing called "Simple Pleasures" The DJs will talk about easy fun nice things that make them smile and then they will take phone calls. I'm going to do this from time to time to remind myself that even if your husband is a dirty drunk who gambles away your life and then stuffs whats left of your money into a crack pipe and some dirty whore's unmentionables, there's still a silver lining to life.
My simple Pleasure:
Clean underwear.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Ghosts, Memories and Wishes
I wish I could tell all of you who are too eager to await the book what is really going on in my life.
I wish I could sit down with each and every person in my life now or who was ever in my life or who ever wanted to be in my life and tell you all what I think and feel and want.
To tell you what I have lost and sacrificed and left and been cheated out of. I wish I could tell you and you could hold me. And then you would tell me how much more I deserve out of life and that everyone makes mistakes. You would tell me of how much you valued me and how much I helped you or entertained you or made an impression on you.
You could whisper to me and cry with me and laugh with me and make me feel whole. But I can't and you can't and so here I am. Shit in one hand and a wish in the other as some may say.
I can't ask you to believe what I have been through. I can't write it or speak it or tell you in a hushed tone on the back porch with you old black lab licking your feet. I can't because I gave you up a long time ago and you are one of those things that never belonged to me any how.
Not that you ever whispered to me or held me or needed me. You were one of the type to sit across the room and watch me laugh and it would make you smile to see me happy. You were the one to watch me be kissed and revel in the glory of the peace I felt. You were the one to catch a glimpse of a sparkle in my eye and imagine that I were indeed a diamond myself.
Had I ever had any claims to you it was that of your grace and leniency of my faults. My quirks and unsavory bits and pieces you always forgave and they were to you proof that I was human and therefore worthy of your protection.
I say protection with authority, for everything you did you did to help me. You, I believe would have held me and kissed me and done all those things I need so badly now had you thought it would ultimately do me any bit of good. But you saw what was coming and you knew what was best, you in your silent and patient watchfulness knew how to gauge when to pick me up and when to let me fall.
So this is to you who let me fall and to you who pick me up. To you who come near and to you who wait in the wings. To you who praise me and embrace me openly and to you who secretly pray for me every night. To you who love me loudly and softly.
I wish I could sit down with each and every person in my life now or who was ever in my life or who ever wanted to be in my life and tell you all what I think and feel and want.
To tell you what I have lost and sacrificed and left and been cheated out of. I wish I could tell you and you could hold me. And then you would tell me how much more I deserve out of life and that everyone makes mistakes. You would tell me of how much you valued me and how much I helped you or entertained you or made an impression on you.
You could whisper to me and cry with me and laugh with me and make me feel whole. But I can't and you can't and so here I am. Shit in one hand and a wish in the other as some may say.
I can't ask you to believe what I have been through. I can't write it or speak it or tell you in a hushed tone on the back porch with you old black lab licking your feet. I can't because I gave you up a long time ago and you are one of those things that never belonged to me any how.
Not that you ever whispered to me or held me or needed me. You were one of the type to sit across the room and watch me laugh and it would make you smile to see me happy. You were the one to watch me be kissed and revel in the glory of the peace I felt. You were the one to catch a glimpse of a sparkle in my eye and imagine that I were indeed a diamond myself.
Had I ever had any claims to you it was that of your grace and leniency of my faults. My quirks and unsavory bits and pieces you always forgave and they were to you proof that I was human and therefore worthy of your protection.
I say protection with authority, for everything you did you did to help me. You, I believe would have held me and kissed me and done all those things I need so badly now had you thought it would ultimately do me any bit of good. But you saw what was coming and you knew what was best, you in your silent and patient watchfulness knew how to gauge when to pick me up and when to let me fall.
So this is to you who let me fall and to you who pick me up. To you who come near and to you who wait in the wings. To you who praise me and embrace me openly and to you who secretly pray for me every night. To you who love me loudly and softly.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Desperado
I just want to scream, kick, and throw a fit.
Is that too much to ask?
I want to cry alone and close the curtains and sleep all day. and right now I want to watch Big Love.
Is that too much to ask?
I want to cry alone and close the curtains and sleep all day. and right now I want to watch Big Love.
Friday, August 10, 2007
A Rethought
She begins her session again, this time cautiously, knowingly. She sees the familiar but vague looks in his eye as she assumes the possition for complete lift off...
"What if they're not dreams?" Stumbling, she speaks out.
"they who?" Dumbfounded, he fumbles through. He never was very deep.
"what if my dreams aren't dreams? what if--"
"AHHHH, But if they are not dreams than what are they?" His fake British accent is so overwhelming he starts at the sound of his own voice. Won't make that mistake twice.
"I don't know... Maybe the dreams are the realities and the realities are the dreams..."
"What realities??" he picks up his pen, crosses his leg and begins to draw a familiar face, on a sheet of paper that also houses his grocery lists and other important things.
"What if the apartment... the car.... the love of my life... the hapiness, is all just a dream and the realities are just one big jumble?"
"Oh!... Jumbles..." he mumbles as his mind is distracted with the thought of his word jumble left undone on the kitchen table. He adds it's completion to his "to-do" listb as she drowns out his other, more important thoughts...
"What if it's all just... nothing?"
Then she fell. Flat on the floor. The room grew dark and he was gone and the alarm did not sound and the lists and jumbles and pictures and couch and chair and eerything were gone.
And she did not move, because she didn't know if her legs were gone too.
"What if they're not dreams?" Stumbling, she speaks out.
"they who?" Dumbfounded, he fumbles through. He never was very deep.
"what if my dreams aren't dreams? what if--"
"AHHHH, But if they are not dreams than what are they?" His fake British accent is so overwhelming he starts at the sound of his own voice. Won't make that mistake twice.
"I don't know... Maybe the dreams are the realities and the realities are the dreams..."
"What realities??" he picks up his pen, crosses his leg and begins to draw a familiar face, on a sheet of paper that also houses his grocery lists and other important things.
"What if the apartment... the car.... the love of my life... the hapiness, is all just a dream and the realities are just one big jumble?"
"Oh!... Jumbles..." he mumbles as his mind is distracted with the thought of his word jumble left undone on the kitchen table. He adds it's completion to his "to-do" listb as she drowns out his other, more important thoughts...
"What if it's all just... nothing?"
Then she fell. Flat on the floor. The room grew dark and he was gone and the alarm did not sound and the lists and jumbles and pictures and couch and chair and eerything were gone.
And she did not move, because she didn't know if her legs were gone too.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Feeling a little voulnerable....
"Lately, I have been having these crazy dreams"
She syas, as she lays down on the oh-so- oevrused and over stuffed red velvet couch..
"mhmmm..." he replies, with a look in his eye that denotes a thoughtfulness she attributes to the grocery list she believes him to write every session.
"Dreams about everything. Everything from kids to marijuana, to my husband, and my old friends and magical happenings, and being in love, and missing people. Dreams that should be my real life but they're just dreams--- dreams that i wish I never saw-- dreams I wish I could relive"
"ahh, I see" Lemonade... Tomatoes... Diapers...
"and I can't help but think about them..." she holds her breath and shakes her head, her newest tick to banish their memory...
After a long pause, he thinks it best to mention " And how does that make you feel?"
" lonely... But I'm not, I'm so happy, so content.... but I can't help feeling-- when I'm having these dreams.... an overwhelming sense of loneliness... like I'm trapped in another universe and I can only see them, I can't reach them..."
"my... thats complicated..." Milk...Bacon...Potting Soil...
"So what do they mean?'
"they who?"
"They the dreams- why can't I get all of these ghosts to stop haunting me?"
Her time is up. He slowly stretches to turn off the alarm, and leaves her with one last thought :
"I'm not involved in the paranormal"
And she wakes, startled by the reality of her messy room in her tiny apartment, on the wrong side of town.
She syas, as she lays down on the oh-so- oevrused and over stuffed red velvet couch..
"mhmmm..." he replies, with a look in his eye that denotes a thoughtfulness she attributes to the grocery list she believes him to write every session.
"Dreams about everything. Everything from kids to marijuana, to my husband, and my old friends and magical happenings, and being in love, and missing people. Dreams that should be my real life but they're just dreams--- dreams that i wish I never saw-- dreams I wish I could relive"
"ahh, I see" Lemonade... Tomatoes... Diapers...
"and I can't help but think about them..." she holds her breath and shakes her head, her newest tick to banish their memory...
After a long pause, he thinks it best to mention " And how does that make you feel?"
" lonely... But I'm not, I'm so happy, so content.... but I can't help feeling-- when I'm having these dreams.... an overwhelming sense of loneliness... like I'm trapped in another universe and I can only see them, I can't reach them..."
"my... thats complicated..." Milk...Bacon...Potting Soil...
"So what do they mean?'
"they who?"
"They the dreams- why can't I get all of these ghosts to stop haunting me?"
"I'm not involved in the paranormal"
And she wakes, startled by the reality of her messy room in her tiny apartment, on the wrong side of town.
Friday, April 20, 2007
a comment on a comment...
THE COMMENT
Boy it's very conceited of you to think that the blog entry was about you unless of course you are portraying some of those characteristics. examples conniving, deceiving, fake, pompous, placating, phony.... I could go on listing adjectives but I'm sure you get the picture. So in closing, I guess you could say that I find it interesting that someone would get offend over pure Internet nittter- natter, that may or may not even pertain to them.
THE REFLECTION:
RULE NUMBER ONE: NEVER USE SOMEONES FIRST NAME IN A BLOG, COMMENT, POST, OR ANYTHING.
I work VERY hard to spare anyone of direct exposure, please respect me in the same way. The next time someone puts my first name out there like that IN MY OWN BLOG WHEN I DON'T EVEN DO IT, I will have to start breaking things... It's just the rules.
In direct comment to your mention of internet nitter-natter, I find it hard to believe myself. Why must people constantly take what they read and turn it into something its not? Why should someone use my poetic prose, whether positive or negative, to badger me. Ask questions, engage in meaningful conversations, by all means, get involved. But don't be mean. Thats just not fair.
TO CONTINUE
I have a hard time thinking of myself negatively; I would rather believe that I used my powers of perception to deduce that terribly difficult mystery.
And on another note, I would imagine that what you have to say about me (OR ABOUT WHOMEVER YOU WERE TRUELY REFERENCING IN YOUR IRRATIONAL AND HYPOCRITICAL RANT) is more of a reflection on your total lack of control and immaturity than it is a true representation of the person your were dipicting.
The post that appeared on your myspace didn't really include any of those adjectives that you took the time to thesaurus either, so I'm a little confused about your comment. All your post depicted was how ANGRY you were with WHOMEVER and how YOU wished YOU could express your anger in a way that would negative affect the person your were persecuting.
I ALSO BELIEVE that it is unfair of you to further attack me when all I had to say was positive and affirming of my own self esteem, rather than attacking or demeaning your person (accepting only my slant against your grammatical and spelling errors, which I suppose you could see as negative, unless you actuall took my advice WHICH I THINK WE ALL CAN TELL YOU DID BY YOUR IMPROVED STYLE IN YOUR COMMENT-good job, by the way)
THE LOVE
You also mention God's plan for vengance in your post.
Let us all remember Leviticus 19: 16-18:
16 " 'Do not go about spreading slander among your people.
" 'Do not do anything that endangers your neighbor's life. I am the LORD.
17 " 'Do not hate your brother in your heart. Rebuke your neighbor frankly so you will not share in his guilt.
18 " 'Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD
As well as Romans 12: 17-21:
17Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men.
18If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.
19Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.
20Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.
21Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.
THAT IS ONLY if we are speaking of the smae God, The one true God who gives Grace to all and forgives all sins; the Lord Jesus Christ. If we have a different opinion of who God is, then by all means, disregard my biblical references; I apologize for any misunderstanding thereof.
AT ANY RATE
It all comes down to this. Life is hard enough. Quit being negative. Doesn't anyones mother preach "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" anymore?
AND LET US CONFIRM OUR FAITH
ON A MUCH MORE POSITIVE NOTE:
1 Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. 2 Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3 For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4 When Christ, who is your[a] life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
5 Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. 6 Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.[b] 7 You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. 8 But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. 9 Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices 10 and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.
Colosians 3: 1-10
Boy it's very conceited of you to think that the blog entry was about you unless of course you are portraying some of those characteristics. examples conniving, deceiving, fake, pompous, placating, phony.... I could go on listing adjectives but I'm sure you get the picture. So in closing, I guess you could say that I find it interesting that someone would get offend over pure Internet nittter- natter, that may or may not even pertain to them.
THE REFLECTION:
RULE NUMBER ONE: NEVER USE SOMEONES FIRST NAME IN A BLOG, COMMENT, POST, OR ANYTHING.
I work VERY hard to spare anyone of direct exposure, please respect me in the same way. The next time someone puts my first name out there like that IN MY OWN BLOG WHEN I DON'T EVEN DO IT, I will have to start breaking things... It's just the rules.
In direct comment to your mention of internet nitter-natter, I find it hard to believe myself. Why must people constantly take what they read and turn it into something its not? Why should someone use my poetic prose, whether positive or negative, to badger me. Ask questions, engage in meaningful conversations, by all means, get involved. But don't be mean. Thats just not fair.
TO CONTINUE
I have a hard time thinking of myself negatively; I would rather believe that I used my powers of perception to deduce that terribly difficult mystery.
And on another note, I would imagine that what you have to say about me (OR ABOUT WHOMEVER YOU WERE TRUELY REFERENCING IN YOUR IRRATIONAL AND HYPOCRITICAL RANT) is more of a reflection on your total lack of control and immaturity than it is a true representation of the person your were dipicting.
The post that appeared on your myspace didn't really include any of those adjectives that you took the time to thesaurus either, so I'm a little confused about your comment. All your post depicted was how ANGRY you were with WHOMEVER and how YOU wished YOU could express your anger in a way that would negative affect the person your were persecuting.
I ALSO BELIEVE that it is unfair of you to further attack me when all I had to say was positive and affirming of my own self esteem, rather than attacking or demeaning your person (accepting only my slant against your grammatical and spelling errors, which I suppose you could see as negative, unless you actuall took my advice WHICH I THINK WE ALL CAN TELL YOU DID BY YOUR IMPROVED STYLE IN YOUR COMMENT-good job, by the way)
THE LOVE
You also mention God's plan for vengance in your post.
Let us all remember Leviticus 19: 16-18:
16 " 'Do not go about spreading slander among your people.
" 'Do not do anything that endangers your neighbor's life. I am the LORD.
17 " 'Do not hate your brother in your heart. Rebuke your neighbor frankly so you will not share in his guilt.
18 " 'Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD
As well as Romans 12: 17-21:
17Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men.
18If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.
19Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.
20Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.
21Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.
THAT IS ONLY if we are speaking of the smae God, The one true God who gives Grace to all and forgives all sins; the Lord Jesus Christ. If we have a different opinion of who God is, then by all means, disregard my biblical references; I apologize for any misunderstanding thereof.
AT ANY RATE
It all comes down to this. Life is hard enough. Quit being negative. Doesn't anyones mother preach "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" anymore?
AND LET US CONFIRM OUR FAITH
ON A MUCH MORE POSITIVE NOTE:
1 Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. 2 Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3 For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4 When Christ, who is your[a] life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
5 Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. 6 Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.[b] 7 You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. 8 But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. 9 Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices 10 and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.
Colosians 3: 1-10
Monday, March 26, 2007
What?
THE FOLLOWING IS A POST FROM SOMEONES MYSPACE...
Someone as in not me. This is someone who obviously has a pretty poor opinion of me, not to mention a pretty poor grasp of grammatics and spelling. I just felt the need to share this. Some people enjoy complaining about the positive things that i have to say. Now it's time for me to complain about the negative things they have to say. Read on....
OCTOBER 14 2006
UMMMM.....
Current mood: bitchy
have you ever been so mad at some one that you wished they would just die.... or at lest leave you alone? well thats about were I am right now. This person (whom I will not say) I know she hates me and I hate her.... no.... scrach that I despise her. every since I've known her my life has been HELL. I can't stand her.....but I can't do anything about it. I can't hit her cause I will hurt her I can't dawm her to HELL cause thats not my place. The onlything I can do is take it like a woman but i wish i could just vent no one will lisen cause they think I am just being dramatic. What I came to grips with is that I am better than here thats why she pushes my buttons cause she knows it and she can't tie me down she has no controll over me and she knows it and it freekes her out.Two can play this game I will do something to her that will...(like the BITCH she is)....(female dag BITCH) run so fast with her tail between her legs and I will come out on top. ha ha ha she has no idea what I have in store for her she will have to always be looking over her shoulder cause I WILL get her back. GOD say evrything comes back ten folds good or bad....so ten fold is what it will be.
word to the wise DON"T PISS ME OFF cause I will come back after you stronger and harder ha ha ha he he he
TRY ME!
*********************************************
Why would someone be that negative? And why do they then have the right for further persecute me for my happiness???
I WONDER....
Someone as in not me. This is someone who obviously has a pretty poor opinion of me, not to mention a pretty poor grasp of grammatics and spelling. I just felt the need to share this. Some people enjoy complaining about the positive things that i have to say. Now it's time for me to complain about the negative things they have to say. Read on....
OCTOBER 14 2006
UMMMM.....
Current mood: bitchy
have you ever been so mad at some one that you wished they would just die.... or at lest leave you alone? well thats about were I am right now. This person (whom I will not say) I know she hates me and I hate her.... no.... scrach that I despise her. every since I've known her my life has been HELL. I can't stand her.....but I can't do anything about it. I can't hit her cause I will hurt her I can't dawm her to HELL cause thats not my place. The onlything I can do is take it like a woman but i wish i could just vent no one will lisen cause they think I am just being dramatic. What I came to grips with is that I am better than here thats why she pushes my buttons cause she knows it and she can't tie me down she has no controll over me and she knows it and it freekes her out.Two can play this game I will do something to her that will...(like the BITCH she is)....(female dag BITCH) run so fast with her tail between her legs and I will come out on top. ha ha ha she has no idea what I have in store for her she will have to always be looking over her shoulder cause I WILL get her back. GOD say evrything comes back ten folds good or bad....so ten fold is what it will be.
word to the wise DON"T PISS ME OFF cause I will come back after you stronger and harder ha ha ha he he he
TRY ME!
*********************************************
Why would someone be that negative? And why do they then have the right for further persecute me for my happiness???
I WONDER....
Friday, March 23, 2007
Oh Cal...
So I wet to get coffee the other morning, which was quite a feet in and of itself- The Daily grind that's closest to my office has, oh yes, 3 parking spots, then there's a delivery lane that 18 people always try to squish into between 8:10-*:14 in the morning. I tried to pull in and my mom kept nagging me about the "proper way to park in the delivery lane" and "not to hit other cars" So I told her I would drop her off and run BACK to the Daily Grind. Obviously I was a little more testy than neccesary due to my lack of caffinated beverage.
So I took mom to the office and came back to pick up my coffee, business as usual. "All fat hazelnut iced large latte, thank you" So I'm leaving right and then BAM!!! A HUGE BLACK TRUCK IS JUST SITTING THERE, PULLED IMPROPERLY INTO THE DELIVERY LANE. And guess who is in the huge black truck, talking on his tiny black cell phone?? THE AMAZING THE OUTSTANDING THE GORGEOUS AND OTHERWISE PERFECT--- CAL RIPKEN!!!!!!!!!!! So I smiled and my little heart started a-fluttering and he waved and the guy coming towards me in the parking lot who obviously did not see or recognize the venerable CAL RIPKEN looked at me like I was a flippin fruit loop.
Then I called my mom.
"MOM OMG GUESS WHO'S IN THE DELIVERY LANE OF THE DAILY GRIND?"
"I don't know but I sure hope you parked diagonally and didn't hit anyone"
"OMG MOM FOCUS I THINK CAL RIPKEN IS IN THE DELIVERY LANE AT DAILY GRIND"
"Listen I can't understand a word you're saying but so help me if you hit someones car---"
Now I had been whispering in a highly excited manner so as not to alarm the amazing Ripken. Now I started to get a little excited and shouted into the phone, in no uncertain terms "CAL RIPKEN IS IN THE DELIVERY LANE OF THE DAILY GRIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Well, for heaven's sake get a picture of him!"
"OMG but mom what if it's not him what if he says no, he's on his cell phone what if i offend the great and all powerful Ripken"
"IF it is him he'll understand and if it's not so what you'll never see that guy again."
I rolled up next to his improperly parked huge black truck with my window rolled down and no sooner did I whip out the camera phoine did he remove the tiny black cell phone from the ear whence it was attached and udder the unforgettable phrase ....
"Cheese!!"
TO BE CONTINUED.....
So I took mom to the office and came back to pick up my coffee, business as usual. "All fat hazelnut iced large latte, thank you" So I'm leaving right and then BAM!!! A HUGE BLACK TRUCK IS JUST SITTING THERE, PULLED IMPROPERLY INTO THE DELIVERY LANE. And guess who is in the huge black truck, talking on his tiny black cell phone?? THE AMAZING THE OUTSTANDING THE GORGEOUS AND OTHERWISE PERFECT--- CAL RIPKEN!!!!!!!!!!! So I smiled and my little heart started a-fluttering and he waved and the guy coming towards me in the parking lot who obviously did not see or recognize the venerable CAL RIPKEN looked at me like I was a flippin fruit loop.
Then I called my mom.
"MOM OMG GUESS WHO'S IN THE DELIVERY LANE OF THE DAILY GRIND?"
"I don't know but I sure hope you parked diagonally and didn't hit anyone"
"OMG MOM FOCUS I THINK CAL RIPKEN IS IN THE DELIVERY LANE AT DAILY GRIND"
"Listen I can't understand a word you're saying but so help me if you hit someones car---"
Now I had been whispering in a highly excited manner so as not to alarm the amazing Ripken. Now I started to get a little excited and shouted into the phone, in no uncertain terms "CAL RIPKEN IS IN THE DELIVERY LANE OF THE DAILY GRIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Well, for heaven's sake get a picture of him!"
"OMG but mom what if it's not him what if he says no, he's on his cell phone what if i offend the great and all powerful Ripken"
"IF it is him he'll understand and if it's not so what you'll never see that guy again."
I rolled up next to his improperly parked huge black truck with my window rolled down and no sooner did I whip out the camera phoine did he remove the tiny black cell phone from the ear whence it was attached and udder the unforgettable phrase ....
"Cheese!!"
TO BE CONTINUED.....
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
She sighs, and with a huff cries A-PAR-HANT-LEE!!
So I fancied myself a poet with my last entry. I believed my brief descriptive poetic blurb in my last entry was not only self-gratifying, but capable of bringing those who truly love me, this city, or life a smile. Maybe not a full on, teeth bearing, say Cheese smile, but a soft thoughtful smile nonetheless.
BUT NO. A-PAR-HANT-LEE some people either
A) Really HATE Baltimore
OR
B) Cringe at the thought of me gaining anything from my life
A-PAR-HANT-LEE these people read my last blog and actually took nothing poetic or relaxed or really useful from it. They just got Angry. They just used it against me.
A-PAR-HANT-LEE they found some offense in my love of seagulls, and crab cakes, a malls, and the 695 Beltway. A-PAR-HANT-LEE they think maybe i should just be miserable. Maybe i should just forgo any happiness or light and transform myself into a thoughtless gnome.
WELL HERE'S A THOUGHT:
Leave me alone.
Get off my case.
If you have a complaint, file it in a box and throw that box in the ocean.
Actually you could just ship that box to me. I can hit the ocean from here.
(It really would take quite some time for your complaint to travel so far to the Atlantic from all the way up in the Mountains, Now wouldn't it???)
If you don;t like that thought i have another on for you, but you'll probably shirk this one off as well:
Call me and tell me you don't want me to be happy.
Call me and tell me that my references annoy, hurt or anger you.
Tell me, instead of badgering someone else.MYSIDEKICK
A-PAR-HANT-LEE, once again, I am not allowed to express my thoughts freely, so I have to use these veiled allusions (which people OFTEN TIMES take much too literally) to sned any messages.
And Boy, is this white child sick of people using her writing to interpret her life. People who don't take the time to even think to, oh I don't know TALK TO ME, are reading my blog, looking at my myspace, riffelig through my personal journals, and rooting through the proverbial garbage of my mind in order to garner some false sense of what I mgiht be thinking at any given time.
Can anyone really know what, in his most profound work, The Wasteland, Eliot meant by the verse:
THE river's tent is broken: the last fingers of leaf
Clutch and sink into the wet bank. The wind
Crosses the brown land, unheard. The nymphs are departed.
Sweet Thames, run softly, till I end my song.
The river bears no empty bottles, sandwich papers,
Silk handkerchiefs, cardboard boxes, cigarette ends
Or other testimony of summer nights. The nymphs are departed.
And their friends, the loitering heirs of city directors;
Departed, have left no addresses.
By the waters of Leman I sat down and wept...
Sweet Thames, run softly till I end my song,
Sweet Thames, run softly, for I speak not loud or long.
But at my back in a cold blast I hear
The rattle of the bones, and chuckle spread from ear to ear.
Can anyone really judge what her state of mind was when Charlotte Bronte set our to write Jane Eyre?
If you can, you would be the first, a true inside source. Surmise. Wonder. Philosophize. Discuss. Debate. Theorize. Hypothesize.
You could look at their history. Consider the evets in their life and what effect they might have had on their overall sensibility and opinion. You could look at their Zodiac sign and determine if they are an analytical thinker or a heart-lead feeler. You could sit for hours and ponder all the hidden messages. Or whether there was only on message. You could discuss their motifs, plot, setting, or theme. You could divine an answer with runes.
In short you could Guess.
But do you really know? Is it really fair to make the assumption and say with authority what is and isn't, what is meant and derived, what is said and what is omitted?
In truth, you do not know. Nor do you know or have any understanding.
STOP THE LIES.
Or just ask me. I'll tell you all my dirty secrets.
The clean ones you'll have to pay for.
BUT NO. A-PAR-HANT-LEE some people either
A) Really HATE Baltimore
OR
B) Cringe at the thought of me gaining anything from my life
A-PAR-HANT-LEE these people read my last blog and actually took nothing poetic or relaxed or really useful from it. They just got Angry. They just used it against me.
A-PAR-HANT-LEE they found some offense in my love of seagulls, and crab cakes, a malls, and the 695 Beltway. A-PAR-HANT-LEE they think maybe i should just be miserable. Maybe i should just forgo any happiness or light and transform myself into a thoughtless gnome.
WELL HERE'S A THOUGHT:
Leave me alone.
Get off my case.
If you have a complaint, file it in a box and throw that box in the ocean.
Actually you could just ship that box to me. I can hit the ocean from here.
(It really would take quite some time for your complaint to travel so far to the Atlantic from all the way up in the Mountains, Now wouldn't it???)
If you don;t like that thought i have another on for you, but you'll probably shirk this one off as well:
Call me and tell me you don't want me to be happy.
Call me and tell me that my references annoy, hurt or anger you.
Tell me, instead of badgering someone else.
A-PAR-HANT-LEE, once again, I am not allowed to express my thoughts freely, so I have to use these veiled allusions (which people OFTEN TIMES take much too literally) to sned any messages.
And Boy, is this white child sick of people using her writing to interpret her life. People who don't take the time to even think to, oh I don't know TALK TO ME, are reading my blog, looking at my myspace, riffelig through my personal journals, and rooting through the proverbial garbage of my mind in order to garner some false sense of what I mgiht be thinking at any given time.
Can anyone really know what, in his most profound work, The Wasteland, Eliot meant by the verse:
THE river's tent is broken: the last fingers of leaf
Clutch and sink into the wet bank. The wind
Crosses the brown land, unheard. The nymphs are departed.
Sweet Thames, run softly, till I end my song.
The river bears no empty bottles, sandwich papers,
Silk handkerchiefs, cardboard boxes, cigarette ends
Or other testimony of summer nights. The nymphs are departed.
And their friends, the loitering heirs of city directors;
Departed, have left no addresses.
By the waters of Leman I sat down and wept...
Sweet Thames, run softly till I end my song,
Sweet Thames, run softly, for I speak not loud or long.
But at my back in a cold blast I hear
The rattle of the bones, and chuckle spread from ear to ear.
Can anyone really judge what her state of mind was when Charlotte Bronte set our to write Jane Eyre?
If you can, you would be the first, a true inside source. Surmise. Wonder. Philosophize. Discuss. Debate. Theorize. Hypothesize.
You could look at their history. Consider the evets in their life and what effect they might have had on their overall sensibility and opinion. You could look at their Zodiac sign and determine if they are an analytical thinker or a heart-lead feeler. You could sit for hours and ponder all the hidden messages. Or whether there was only on message. You could discuss their motifs, plot, setting, or theme. You could divine an answer with runes.
In short you could Guess.
But do you really know? Is it really fair to make the assumption and say with authority what is and isn't, what is meant and derived, what is said and what is omitted?
In truth, you do not know. Nor do you know or have any understanding.
STOP THE LIES.
Or just ask me. I'll tell you all my dirty secrets.
The clean ones you'll have to pay for.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Loving Arms
I went for a walk, barefoot and calm the other 70 degree day. Just another crazy winter for baltimore, I thought. the winter sun wrapped its unusually warm rays around me and I felt a calm I have not felt for almost a year.
I am home, and my city, She has opened her arms to me and delivered me to the foot of the sea, to be swallowed whole by all things maritime and beautiful.
I am home, and my city, She has opened her arms to me and delivered me to the foot of the sea, to be swallowed whole by all things maritime and beautiful.
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