Happy Valentine's day!
I wanted to give you all a peice of me without making you all puke. If it is at all possible.
The Boy and I have been together for something like ten months, three weeks, one day and two hours. Not that I am counting of\r anything. More iportantly, here are just a few random things I know/love/think about him and his wonderfullness.
1. He smells wonderful. Like a man. If theat makes any sense. He smells like his manliness with a splash of axe. It's amazing. It might just be amazing to me, but amazing nontheless.
2. His voice is soft and low and completely pleasing.
3. When he touches me, I can feel his fingertips on my heart.
4. His kisses are like wine.
5. He never gets worked up. Not over anything. He's never been mean nor tried to be boss.
6. He's a nice boy. My mom likes him. My mom has only ever liked one boyfriend of mine- I'll give you one guess- yes indeed it was Mr. Future Millionaire. Lame. I know.
7. He hates typical love songs. Things like "God bless the broken road" and "When you say nothing at all." So does he hate all sappy love songs? Absolutely not. Some of his favorite late night delights include "All of me" and "Moonlight Serenade."
8. He loves me. Wholly and completely without question. I know this because he tells me. I also know this in the light in his eyes, in his preference for me over many others. In his smile when I kiss his nose, in his blush when I tell others how awesome he is.
9. He has never rushed anything. His kisses are slow and warm. He holds my hands as long as I like. He talks to me, or listens to me talk long past bed time.
10. He's just so tall!
All of this considered, I can't imagine that any one ever stopped loving him once they knew him. All of this considered I understand why he gets hit on everywhere we go. Why everyone wants to set him up with their daughter, granddaughter and bank teller. I understand wy people say that as they mention his name they could get a tan from the light of my face. What I don't understand is why he is so in love with me. Me, the lunatic. Ultra clingy never satisfied me. Me who sees ten sides to everything.
Silly boy....
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Somewhere in the crowd there's You.
You know there is no rest for the sorrowful.
Everytime I think I am over it, it haunts my doorstep yet again.
I you haven't guessed, I am watching Mamma Mia and fighting back tears through the whole thing.
If only true bastardom were this beautifully musical and wonderfully colorful.
But it's not. What it is is this long cold loneliness that numbs you from the deepest part of your essence out until you can't feel a thing. Not the hundred of tears you cry. Not the heartache. Not the anger. Not the utter desolation. Just a great big nothingness.
It is a question that holds you prisoner.
It is a bloody stump that never heals.
It is a never ending balancing act.
A struggle between not thinking about it ever and agonizing over the huge gaping hole in your heart.
No fun disco music. No beautiful island. No big white wedding.
Just a sadness.
Everytime I think I am over it, it haunts my doorstep yet again.
I you haven't guessed, I am watching Mamma Mia and fighting back tears through the whole thing.
If only true bastardom were this beautifully musical and wonderfully colorful.
But it's not. What it is is this long cold loneliness that numbs you from the deepest part of your essence out until you can't feel a thing. Not the hundred of tears you cry. Not the heartache. Not the anger. Not the utter desolation. Just a great big nothingness.
It is a question that holds you prisoner.
It is a bloody stump that never heals.
It is a never ending balancing act.
A struggle between not thinking about it ever and agonizing over the huge gaping hole in your heart.
No fun disco music. No beautiful island. No big white wedding.
Just a sadness.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Sweet Serenity's Bliss is in the Shining Eyes of His Love
Young John Something
Young John is a five. He is average. I can't give you any specs- I will not bore you with a height or hair color, a build or symmetrical analysis. But I will tell you he is average. Neither here nor there. Not enough to stop and turn to, but just enough to be caught up in conversation with.
Benny is also a five. Over the years, her hair has fallen flat and deepened in color. She has excess weight that just won't go away around her waist, on her arms, and her breasts are a little too large for her frame. She is taller than she should be, her skin is whiter than that of her family, and her eyes a muttle concoction of hazel, green and brown.
Young John did not peacock out to attract her. And Benny did not sashay his way to seduce him. Young and Benny met, shook hands and began talking their way into love. Maybe they are just fives, but they are the most natural couple, their ease lending itself as a viewing aid.
With all of these average qualities, what would make people take a second look at either one? Why do men consistently try to convince Benny that they are indeed a better choice for her? Why do women continue to talk to Young, stroke his arm, and smile seductively his way? It is Young and Benny.
Together, they are irresistible. Young and Benny walk into a bar, a party, a function and suddenly the life changes. They seem to consume all of the energy in a room. To create a circuit within and around themselves, attracting every light, every atom, all of the heat built up around them. Together, they can stop conversations, turn head and make the most solid couple jealous. What is it? What is that magic? What do people look to Young and Benny for?
It is the definition of the unknown. It is the turn of a hip, the toss of her hair, the light on his face. It is the silence in their speech, the movement of their thought. They walk together in a rhythm that can be heard for miles. They talk to other people in a room, parallel to one another, separate, but going in the same divine direction. I have seen Young and Benny go to a party together, without saying so much as two words to one another and everyone can see they belong together.
They come as a pair. Young will think and Benny will speak. Benny will thirst and Young will drink. It's uncanny, really. Uncanny and impossible to put into words to either one. If you ask Young why he loves her so, he will just smile- or beam rather- and say "Well, you've met her." Ask Benny what she and Young have in common and equally as coy she smiles and simply says,"Each other."
Benny doesn't take Young too seriously and Young dotes over her in an embarrassing but intuition driven way. They keep the balance of all of the energy in the universe on the tips of their lips by drawing back and overextending in places no other typical relationship thinks of. What training is there for this type of love? Where is the manual- what is their secret?
I am not Young or Benny, just an observer. But I would say it is simply fate. Dumb luck that they should be so utterly compatible. A simple stacked deck of aces.
Yes. They are simply luck bastards. The rest of us will go on quite cold and alone in comparison, but not Young and Benny. The real question though is not why they love each other so much, but if they were to split, would they, individual, make two other people just as happy? Are they cosmically blessed individuals with the capacity for greatness as their own universe? Or is it the case that they together set the room a little brighter, make the wine a little sweeter and the nights a little warmer?
Who will ever know, except those who have lost their chance to love one of the worlds most content.
Young John is a five. He is average. I can't give you any specs- I will not bore you with a height or hair color, a build or symmetrical analysis. But I will tell you he is average. Neither here nor there. Not enough to stop and turn to, but just enough to be caught up in conversation with.
Benny is also a five. Over the years, her hair has fallen flat and deepened in color. She has excess weight that just won't go away around her waist, on her arms, and her breasts are a little too large for her frame. She is taller than she should be, her skin is whiter than that of her family, and her eyes a muttle concoction of hazel, green and brown.
Young John did not peacock out to attract her. And Benny did not sashay his way to seduce him. Young and Benny met, shook hands and began talking their way into love. Maybe they are just fives, but they are the most natural couple, their ease lending itself as a viewing aid.
With all of these average qualities, what would make people take a second look at either one? Why do men consistently try to convince Benny that they are indeed a better choice for her? Why do women continue to talk to Young, stroke his arm, and smile seductively his way? It is Young and Benny.
Together, they are irresistible. Young and Benny walk into a bar, a party, a function and suddenly the life changes. They seem to consume all of the energy in a room. To create a circuit within and around themselves, attracting every light, every atom, all of the heat built up around them. Together, they can stop conversations, turn head and make the most solid couple jealous. What is it? What is that magic? What do people look to Young and Benny for?
It is the definition of the unknown. It is the turn of a hip, the toss of her hair, the light on his face. It is the silence in their speech, the movement of their thought. They walk together in a rhythm that can be heard for miles. They talk to other people in a room, parallel to one another, separate, but going in the same divine direction. I have seen Young and Benny go to a party together, without saying so much as two words to one another and everyone can see they belong together.
They come as a pair. Young will think and Benny will speak. Benny will thirst and Young will drink. It's uncanny, really. Uncanny and impossible to put into words to either one. If you ask Young why he loves her so, he will just smile- or beam rather- and say "Well, you've met her." Ask Benny what she and Young have in common and equally as coy she smiles and simply says,"Each other."
Benny doesn't take Young too seriously and Young dotes over her in an embarrassing but intuition driven way. They keep the balance of all of the energy in the universe on the tips of their lips by drawing back and overextending in places no other typical relationship thinks of. What training is there for this type of love? Where is the manual- what is their secret?
I am not Young or Benny, just an observer. But I would say it is simply fate. Dumb luck that they should be so utterly compatible. A simple stacked deck of aces.
Yes. They are simply luck bastards. The rest of us will go on quite cold and alone in comparison, but not Young and Benny. The real question though is not why they love each other so much, but if they were to split, would they, individual, make two other people just as happy? Are they cosmically blessed individuals with the capacity for greatness as their own universe? Or is it the case that they together set the room a little brighter, make the wine a little sweeter and the nights a little warmer?
Who will ever know, except those who have lost their chance to love one of the worlds most content.
Friday, February 06, 2009
Tu lo sai, lo sai crudel
We were talking in my Health 140 class about when to stop giving CPR or other first aid medical treatment.
My teacher's answer was "At the point of exhaustion- when it would endanger your life to continue"
And then I realized...
I was exhausted with you way back in the day. So why do I keep breathing for our relationship?
I took a true mental self portrait a few days ago. I am at a point where I had some time to re-assess my life, devise some new goals, and redefine my expectations. Here is what I realized:
I am carrying around toxic baggage from years past.
I still feel, soome where in my heart, like I need your love and approval to exist and be well- adjusted.
I need to either get past my emotions about certain people or remove them from my napsack of self doubt, self reproach, and other detriments.
I feel like I need to tell you, but I have to let that feeling go to.
That The Boy is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and he has exquisite timing to help me through the previous feelings.
Here are some things that I want to tell a few people, but will never get a chance to.
I miss you. I am sorry for every thank you note I never sent, every prayer I never said, every tear I never cried, every phone call I never made. I will see you eventually, but sometimes I don't feel worthy.
You are the reason I am a christian. That is the reason I will always love you in some way.
I never loved you. I loved the idea of you.
Maybe, some part of me got married as a rebound. Not a rebound to any one person, a rebound to an idea.
I want you to be happy, but I don't want any part of it.
I am very dissapointed that you would think me capable of malice. You know me. You know who I am.
The day you told me that you didn't like me when you first met me because I had all the answers in math class I realized you weren't my kind of people.
No, I will never like you. You creep me out and there is nothing you can do to un-do the weird eerie sort of pain you caused me in our tumultuous past.
I feel better knowing that life will go on just like it always has whether or not I address these people.
I also feel better knowing that these gripes, painful memories and old baggage will not hinder my life, my love or my soul from gorwing and flowing an developing.
But I know it's time. Time to get you out. Time to beat the rug and get all the dust out. Time to wipe the mirror and see me again. Time to relax in a hot bath and feel my frozen fingers. Time to stop the lame allusions and get to work!
My teacher's answer was "At the point of exhaustion- when it would endanger your life to continue"
And then I realized...
I was exhausted with you way back in the day. So why do I keep breathing for our relationship?
I took a true mental self portrait a few days ago. I am at a point where I had some time to re-assess my life, devise some new goals, and redefine my expectations. Here is what I realized:
I am carrying around toxic baggage from years past.
I still feel, soome where in my heart, like I need your love and approval to exist and be well- adjusted.
I need to either get past my emotions about certain people or remove them from my napsack of self doubt, self reproach, and other detriments.
I feel like I need to tell you, but I have to let that feeling go to.
That The Boy is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and he has exquisite timing to help me through the previous feelings.
Here are some things that I want to tell a few people, but will never get a chance to.
I miss you. I am sorry for every thank you note I never sent, every prayer I never said, every tear I never cried, every phone call I never made. I will see you eventually, but sometimes I don't feel worthy.
You are the reason I am a christian. That is the reason I will always love you in some way.
I never loved you. I loved the idea of you.
Maybe, some part of me got married as a rebound. Not a rebound to any one person, a rebound to an idea.
I want you to be happy, but I don't want any part of it.
I am very dissapointed that you would think me capable of malice. You know me. You know who I am.
The day you told me that you didn't like me when you first met me because I had all the answers in math class I realized you weren't my kind of people.
No, I will never like you. You creep me out and there is nothing you can do to un-do the weird eerie sort of pain you caused me in our tumultuous past.
I feel better knowing that life will go on just like it always has whether or not I address these people.
I also feel better knowing that these gripes, painful memories and old baggage will not hinder my life, my love or my soul from gorwing and flowing an developing.
But I know it's time. Time to get you out. Time to beat the rug and get all the dust out. Time to wipe the mirror and see me again. Time to relax in a hot bath and feel my frozen fingers. Time to stop the lame allusions and get to work!
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