Fleeting Dreamtime Made-up Memories.

I saw you last night, or more likely this morning, at 4:16 am, just before I noticed it was too hot to sleep. You were slender and slight and owned an antique shop for fun.

Your hand was outstretched and from it, your daughter took $1,000 cash and a $1,000 prepaid credit card to buy herself new bras and to take me and her aunt out to dinner. You couldn't possibly come, you were too busy.

I gasped when you said how much money but what do I know, maybe it was her birthday. She was so pretty. She flipped her head, full of thick blonde hair and smiled as she put on her sunglasses and blew me a kiss. She was on her cellphone and giggling away while putting the credit card and money in her purse. Meet her at the restaurant at 9:30.

You asked was I surprised? What else would you give your only-- well, one of your daughters. I said a thousand dollars could alter my lifestyle greatly. You laughed and said so little, such a small lifestyle. Not to me. Books, tuition, uniforms, car, house, they all cost enough.

A thousand could pay the bills for a month, and what I work for could help me get ahead.

You said, again with a laugh, work for me, one day a week, a thousand a day.

A thousand a day? Why only one day a week?

As if any child of mine could focus on anything for more than an hour, let alone more than a day. We'll start with one day at one thousand and work from there, my little late bloomer.

Guarantee me $1,000 a day for as many days a week as I can work and you have a deal. A deal? is this a business transaction or my father? Or one with the other?

Ok, Ok, deal. Still, a small life.

Thursday Thirteen, Right On Time.

Island time, that is. I am not missing the catamaran.

Thirteen things The Boy has bought me this year alone:

1. Our Big House.
2. A Wii.
3. Games for the Wii.
4. A digital camera.
5. Plane tickets for Hawaii.
6. New Shoes.
7. New Jeans.
8. Amazing Glaze Fun.
9. A million lovely dinners.
10. Ceiling Fans.
11. Air Conditioners.
12. Goliath Tomato Plants.
13. Oil Paints (for creative purposes only.)

Don't be jealous. Get a Boy!

Why did I ever leave the Shoe Store?

marginalize
mahr-juh-nl-ahyz

–verb (used with object), -ized, -iz·ing.
to place in a position of marginal importance, influence, or power:

I feel as though my talents and time are marginalized when my assistant criticizes my work ethic, asks me to get up and find someone in the office for her, or asks me how I am coming along on a project I assigned to her.

Possessions are Possessive

"I used to own a pair of them. I loved them. They were the sandy colored leather with a really thick, clear sole. They made me feel punk rock and comfy all at the same time."

I was dreaming again, in a mall I have been in hundreds of times. As I looked up at the Dr. Martin's Airwalk Collections lining the walls of a local shoe store, I had a smile on my face and a stupid longing. I started to miss my shoes. Shoes. Dumb, old, stinky shoes.

"Well... why did you get rid of them?"

"I lost them in the separation."

Shoes or offspring?

I lost so much stuff when I left The Ex, both during the first Exodus and the Second Fleeing. And then there were things he took from me. Thoughts he invaded, moments he muddled, feelings he confiscated.

Here's a small list of things I misplaced, he stole, or I gave up:

My Dr. Martin's
A Ring and two Necklace from Ex Boyfriends (Mr. Future Millionaire, Mr. Hamster and My Gay Ex Boyfriend, Respectively)
All of my personal journal entries circa 2001-2005. The only thing that remains is this blog and a few poems/ prose I wrote about Mr. Hamster
Tons of clothes
A good majority of my wedding presents- though few they were
My Lennox Hummingbird ( of course, the more beautiful one)
Most pictures of me and my Exes
Money. Lots of money. All the money I earned from January 2007- July 2007 and then some
My Jason Mraz Live CD
My Josh Turner CD
The Chevy. God, I loved that car. I know it wasn't working, but who knows, maybe Scott could fix it
My smiles and dreams from May 2006- July 2007
Time


I live everyday without these things. It's not like I can't function. It's also not like I would ever read my old journals, or wear the old jewelry, or listen to the cd's. It is the point. The point that we have items that carry meanings. That jewelry never belonged to him. It was a gift from someone who loved me for a girl I once was who pleased them. If I didn't own it, it should go to whomever gave it to me. It was ours and a symbol of us.

The cd's had songs that evoked feelings. I listened to that Jason Mraz cd tirelessly for about a year and lived through it. It was playing in the background when Mr. Future Millionaire broke my heart and told me about his feelings for someone other than me. I belted out You and I BOth and Doubling Back till I couldn't cry any more. I owned those notes, I knew those chords, I had that beat in my heart.

I drove back and forth to Pittsburgh in that Chevy. I wore a hole under the gas pedal with my heels. I was kissed in that passengers seat. I put that air freshner in the glove box. I kept those keys hidden in my jeans. That is, until he found and stole those, too. Another story. Another sad song.

I know. They are not me. I am not defined by what I possess, but by that which possesses me. I am defined by wonder and enlightenment. I am still essentially me, with or without props.

[Insert Applause Here]

wiTty 13.

Thirteen things I am going to do this summer:

1. Get all of the vaccinations required for School. Including but not limited to measles, mumps, rubella, typhoid fever, chicken pox, scurvy (Only for children of pirates,) and Mad Cow.

2. The pre-reading and comprehending of 156 chapters for school (throughout eighteen varying volumes and indexes.)

3. Finish planting every gal- dern plant or seed I have thus far purchased including Goliath Tomato plants, a tomato tree, pepper plants, marigold seeds, caladium bulbs, sunflower seeds, allysum seeds, sage and rosemary plants, and a money tree.

3a. I will talk to all of my plants in a loving and considerate tone to improve morale.

4. Housework Project A: Decide when to rip up and replace the flooring in the lower level of our big house.

5. Housework project B: Clean out the area upstairs that will be empty once we throw away the left over stove, cabinetry, flooring, and sink.

6. Lose some pounds. Just a few, and no, I still don't use scales. i will know I have lost pounds when the other ones ask me where they went.

7. Clean my desk. Yeah, it is so bad it made it on the list. I didn't say they were all fun, geez.

8. Increase my iron levels to 13.6 ppu so I can give double reds again in July.

9. Go to Amazing Glaze and finish making pottery for Aunties Number 1-5, cousins on both sides, and people I generally like.

9a. Finish the five paintings I have started now to also provide for presents for the family and friends.

10. Go to Hawaii. If it kills me. Or bankrupts me.

11. Adopt my personal mission statement and think of it everyday:

" I pledge to live a life that promotes a sense of peace, simplicity, and order. I will learn to apply myself to my duties and commitments in order to nuture and serve those around me."

12. I will read one or more book(s) for fun. And I am not that fun; this may include or be a re-read.

13. JUICE. As a verb; Hot, I know.