AHAHAHHAHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOO! I JUST WROTE THE MOST PERFECT PROSE PEICE ABOUT MY LIFE AND I ERASED IT BECAUSE I'M A TYPOGRAPHICAL ERRORS WHORE!!!!!!!! DARN IT!

If I had a nickel for ever corn flarning time I have erased, deleted, or remove a file, Instant message or blog entry because of my fingers not listening to my brain lemme tell you how rich I'd be... RICH ENOUGH TO HAVE SOMEONE TYPE EVERYTHING FOR ME....

So I was just very thoughtfully reposed in the idea that I have known Heartbeaker for four whole years now and I had a very poignient social commentary on how switching bewtween sexual preferences changes everyones life, not just the homosexual, AND THEN I CLICKED A BUTTON AND IT DISAPEARED.

I would try and rewrite it as eloquently as it was intended, but truth be told I usually get so lost in my own unconcious writings that I can't normally recall their topics ten minutes or ten thougts later, let alone rewrite an entire perfect, thoughtful, stream-of-conciousness prose didactic on the world of love.

In short, Mr.Heartbreaker and I went on a picnic with his very nice, very smart, former christian boyfriend and had a very nice time eating gourmet food and looking out over the biggest mountain I've ever stood on. We chased geese, and talked about intelligent but not life altering things and took in the beautiful weather. But I can't help feeling awkward (or dare I say jealous?) when I think about the fact that someone that I might still be in love with (or just "in lust" with) is kissing another man. When I think about the fact that the definition of acceptable love has changed completely for him , I go a little spagetti brained, not to be confused with anything relating to spagetti stare...

The stress that his whole "life change" has afforded me makes me completely understand the reason for gray hairs and wrinkles. Does it make me crazy to be upset that the man to whom I almost offered my virginity to now takes comfort in his boyfriends kiss? Am I in the wrong for being upset everytime I see him kiss his BOYfriend and I think "Hey, thats not funny... I used to kiss him..."?

Truth be told, I believe that my life changes have offended his heart as well. I think me being a christian now is as hard for him to accept as his being gay is difficult on me. Four years and three failed attempts at perfect love later, and I think we know less about eachother than ever fathomable about friends who refuse to leave eachother for dead in this crazy world.

I may not get it at all and I may be thouroughly hurt and possibly disgusted when I see a man I gave my heart to kiss another man, but truth is i loved him. And you don't just stop loving someone or stop being attracted to someone when they've seen you through everything and they know every intimate detail about you for four years. There is a righteousness in loyalty.

I will not become a liar by my own actions. I promised him that I would always answer his call... and I can't go back on my word...

Bring on the gray, I have plenty of hair dye...