Somewhere no one knows my name (unless, of course, they ask to see my blog)

He called last night.

I wrote about the call earlier today and I used quite a bit of expletives. a practice I usually save for face to face brawls. I even apoloqized to myself for using improper dirty names to describe him and made an entire list of correct ones.

I'm not in the least bit ashamed about what I wrote or how because it is mine. Once again, my writing is mine and I am not being judged at every period.

And it felt good.
It felt good to get mad.
It felt good to feel justified.
It felt good to fight fair. Because I did.
It felt good to know that I was doing something good for me in letting him argue his own case.

He fussed and fretted and finally gave in to himself. I think. I don't really know. I just know that I tried to steer clear of any useful input. My toungue is sore to say the least.

He apologized, sort of. He admitted wrong, sort of. Mostly that's not true. He WANTED to apologize...sort of. He wanted to know why he should apologize. He wanted to be justified in blaming me for what went wrong. He wanted ME to admit fault and accept and apoloqy all at the same time.

You cannot apologize and make the other person feel bad at the same time.

Scratch that, YOU CAN apologize and make the other person feel miserable and worthless, it just won't get you a fulfilling forgiveness.

At this point, go cry to Jesus. I can't harm you anymore than you have yourself. And I can't help you, not if it means dying.

The following is an improper apology:

"I'm sorry your lamp is broken. I know you think I did it, but you are mistaken. Yes, my hand swung at the lamp. Yes the lamp flew out the window and smashed into bits on thewet ground below. But gravity broke your lamp, I was merely repositioning it. I know you're angry now, but in time you will come to love me. Besides, that lamp was only pretty to you. The rest of us thought it rubbish"

What course of action (other than NOT BREAKING THE LAMP) might our sorry frind take? Read on...

"I am so sorry. It seems as though I have broken your lamp. Here is $400. It's all I have on me, but if that doesn't cover it, call me tomorrow and we will go to the store together. If they no longer sell the beautiful lamp that so artfully graced your small side table, I will either find someone to replicate it, or be content in allowing you to choose whatever you should like to replace it. Again, my sincerest apologies. And, really anything. You want and Elephant? Babar it is. You want and english muffin? I will literally hand you an english muffin wiff buttuh an' jaam"

So that last sentence is obviously out of place. But that silly gecko. Anyhow...

You see the difference? "Agree, Acknowledge, Act."

Blame should not come into an apology. There should be no "Well if you hadn't have put that lamp in front of the window it would have never fallen out" N-N-No. No. Never. Not for any reason. Just a simple "I am sorry for_________. I know doing/saying/being ______________ was wrong because__________. And I fully intend to rectify the situation by_____________."

What does that kind of apology look like in real time? The following is what might have been pleasing to my ears:

"I am sorry I was a douche.

"I am sorry that I slept with other women/ made you think I might have been sleeping with other women. I am sorry I smoked crack/ that I made you think I might have been smoking crack. I am sorry I spent all you money and my own on gambling, naked women, drinking, and marijuana. I am sorry that on our wedding night I couldn't perform because I was too intoxicated... And for the entirety of the month of May 2006.

"You deserve better. Someone who loves and cherishes you not just with words but with Christlike actions. I am in a 12 step program/ in jail for what I have done/ have since contracted a deadly STD and only have 9 days left to live. I am making lifestyle changes based on the transgressions I have commited against you and the holy sacrament of our marriage. I owe you a huge thanks for helping me realize that I was not living the way God intended.

"Even though you no longer feel safe/ comfortable/ loved around me, I want you to know that I did all of those things out of ignorance. Not to hurt you although I know that I have. But I have failed myself and my God most of all. Please, forgive me and pray for me. I want to allow you to move on from the horrible things I did to you knowing that I have repented and will never treat another human being as dishonorably as I was so blind to have treated you. I love you and I wish you everything you tried to show me, love, affection, and the saving grace of our Lord."

At that I would have told him that he had free forgiveness from me just as we have free forgiveness from Christ in our sins. I would have told him that trust is something earned and once lost is gone forever. I would have also told him that I respect his apology and his repentance and that I would reccomend him to my God.

Instead, I just use nasty words to describe him. Like Lint-licker.