I am always moved by the young men and women that come to us from Stauros, a Godly ministry developed to support peeopl battling addiction with the love of Christ and the solidarity of community.
This week I was moved to tears as usual, and I liked the young fathers testimony of God's love. And I enjoyed the study of Proverbs: "The name of the Lord is a strong tower the righteous run into it and they are saved."
Then, I felt a deep well spring of anger build within me. Suddenly, I hated these recovering addicts and their testimonies and their guitar playing and praising of the Lord. I felt like this growing disgust was cutting me from within, starting with the soft tissue of my lower abdomen and working up and out to my throat. As the burning sensation grew, I had to clear my head.
What was my problem? Jealousy. The jealousy in seeing these successful men grow and flourish in the wealth and light of God. Jealousy and guilt. The guilt that comes when you turn your back on someone who needs you more than you know.
I have said it before, but I have never truly admitted to the guilt I feel. I saw and addicts pain. I felt the disease rip my life apart end from end and I ran. I ran
into the strong tower of the Lord and I pulled up my rope and I left the most important person behind. The person who didn't know where to run. The person who thought that he was safer in his addiction.What have I done? Have I saved myself and preserved myself in the Lord's sight? Or have I once again disobeyed Him and ignored His command to save the lost sheep over the 99 safe sheep?
2 comments:
First of all, LOVE the pic.
I can relate to this -- kinda, I think. I've always said I have a "boring" testimony because I've been a goody two shoes pretty much my whole life. I was almost jealous of people who've walked away from sex, drugs and rock and roll. Those people, though, will tell me they'd give up the pain suffered for a boring testimony any day. Hmmmm.
Back to you, though. I've heard it said that if you're standing on a chair (not sure why you would be, but bear with for the sake of illustration) it's easier to be pulled off than to pull someone up on the chair with you. Maybe God was sparing you from destruction that could have come to you by association had you stayed? Don't know.
It's God's business to save essentially; not ours as much as we'd like to. We do what we can to help others in obedience to Him, but it's ultimately their choice.
Just my two cents.
Now, go practice your scales...
Katy's right, God's the one seeking out the lost sheep who's strayed from the 99. We're called to love, not to save. Sometimes it can be a struggle to know just what it means to love in a certain circumstance.
Though it is wonderful that God's power works to change our hearts, and we should tell others, I have pretty much given up on the popular cultural idea of "testimonies." I believe they've cause jealousy and resentment in a lot of Christians, not just you, because they tend to emphasize power, glory, being in control all the time, how obedient a person is, and how well their life is going now (worship does this way too often, too). There's often not much room for life under the cross, the suffering, the falling into the old sinful habits, the crying out to God yet again for mercy and forgiveness. And these testimonies are often a re-hashing of one's life story rather than actually talking about Jesus and what he has done-- they can get sort of me-centered. Someone told me once that it's a good challenge to see if you can make a testimony to your faith without actually talking about yourself.
Post a Comment