Hold your own, know your name, go your own way...

Thursday Thirteen... on a Tuesday because I rule the world of Louise.

Thirteen things I have randomly thought of lately that I don't care whether or not you apreciate.

1. My Last name. If everything goes well, the end of next month will find me divorced... and yet again nameless. You probably don't take your last name very seriously, but I do. Your last name identifies you. It tells people whether your Welsh or Italian. How often you introduce yourself using your full given name denotes how proud you are of your heritage and family. Your last name is your first introduction to a big bright world. Before they've named you, it is more likely than not that one thing is for sure: Your Last Name. Who are you? Mr. Smith. Or Mrs. Smith. Who am I? Who knows, without a last name? Don't get me wrong, the divorce will be a huge relief. But seriously? Four name changes in four year- I'm worn out. And don't even ask to see my signature. Half the time I forget how it begins.

2. Le Divorce. I'm anxious. And happy. Relieved. And scared. I have had about a hundred dreams and ten times as many daydreams about it and everyone is the same. Judge Lamdin asks me to describe our marriage. I excuse my mom from court, because even in my dreams I can't put her through everything that truely happened. Then I cry. And there is no one there but Judge Lamdin to comfort me. (Yes call me obsessed, but I like the guy. He is fair and dad-like.) In every case, Mr.Not-such a great hubby drops and anvil on my head. Or holds me at knife point. So much for dreams...

3. The Boy. Who is amazing and awesome and scary in his own right. I just... love him. In a weird way, a weird natural way that makes me never feel anxious. He is just there. Which is kind of intimidating. It's strange to think that when he takes me out he is thinking of my hapiness. It's strange to think that when he asks me if I like something, he is filing my answer away for the next time. It's strange to think that when I am silent and content, he is thinking that maybe I need something or want something or what would make me happiest next. It's strange to think that he wants me to sing not to glorify him but to insure my hapiness... All very peculiar.

4. Writing. In general. I want to do it. I want to commit to it. But I never can seem to. I can never seem to think that what I write is important or skilled enough to compose a full novel. But I see it when I close my eyes.

5. The Boys friends. I almost don't want to like them. They are supremely awesome and different and just all around nice. He knows a lot of real people. You know, people who really smile at you when they shake your hand and who really say "Wow, what a nice girl" when you walk away. People who really like you just because The Boy likes you and smiles when he talks about you, so you must be a good person. So what if I love this whole network of people and what if he takes it all away one day? What if he doesn't love me and then I have to forget those people? Those real, vibrant, different, fun, weird, inquisitive people?

6. Music. And my song. I really love it. I just love singing. I love even more the thought of enjoying what comes out of my mouth. I don't so much care what you think, I like it.

7. I love College. I can't believe it took me this long, I feel like a dolt for having waited. But everything I needed to get here I have remembered and everything is falling together perfectly and I love it. It is perfect for me. I can't stop thinking about lab and language and math homework. And, best of all, I am succeeding.

8. I miss getting dirty. With paint that is. I need to get a good set of oil paints and go to town. Any donations, call me :)

9. Living at home. I moved out for a reason and that reason punches me in the face atleast once a day. They drive me crazy. But I don't have a choice so I shouldn't whine...

10. Baby Marshmallows. If you know what this means, you are entirely too close to my shoulder when I write in my journal. Or you're "Anne," In which case, pray for me.

11. I want to live inside you where ideas grow and start and flourish and grace the lips that I love from the inside out. I want to touch you close and tight where you like it most. I want to spend a day with you and here you and see you and know you like you were me and we were one. And then, to retreat, having known you, having had you, having felt you that close to me and in my heart so far that I can't hardly mistake you, I want love.

12. Scholarships, deadlines, bills, loans, credit cards and much much more.

13. In case you never knew, Sex.