A response.

This whole long, drawn out and really useless bit is initially a response to a stupid meaningless myspace message. But I couldn't send it. Like most incredibly truthful prose, it hurt too much and offered too much chance for me to capitalize by confirming my wish to send it.

So now it is just another useless speck on the World Wide Web for those few of you that stumble across it. But it means a world of hope for me. I hope you can feign to understand that this is real. This time there are no tricks. No poetry. No imagery. Just raw feeling and being and desire and exhaustion.

This is just me.

"I can't keep doing this. This myspace thing is worse than seeing you in person. I feel like I am out in the rain outside your window, freezing and naked and watching you in a warm glow of a fire.

I can't do this limbo anymore.

Please divorce me. Please let me go. Please let me stop wishing you well and pretending that I'm ok. I need to be given a chance to heal.

You are living your life as you always have; without regard or care for what is best for me. Please allow me to treat you with the same, deserved disdain as you do me.

You've already ruined me. No one will want me now. No one will be able to love me now that you've violated every part of my heart, soul and body. But atleast without you and this "marriage" I can love myself. Atleast when you've finally set me free I will be able to look myself in the mirror and pretend to like what I see.

This thing is ruining my life. Just give me a chance.

I know you don't care. I know you are living your life and being loved regardless of whether or not our divorce is final.

I can't even make new friends this way. I am such a wreck and I am so consumed by this it is ruining every chance I have of love and acceptance.

I threw my life away to be with you. Career, school. and as it turns out, my heart. You gave nothing. You failed in no way to yourself. You took and received and used me for what I would be. And now, at the end it is your turn to bow out and allow me to cry and tear my cloth and feel every feeling I have been holding back all of this time.

I felt when we were married that I was lucky to have made you believe that I could be all you wanted. And I could have been. If you really had wanted what you asked of me.

If you really wanted a loving, doting, intelligent wife. But you didn't. And I can't possible be your crack whore. Or a human punching bag. Or as toxic as a pack of cigarettes.

Please, if you have any humanity left in you after all of this, even if it is false, employee it to let me be. Throw me aside once and for all and give me a fighting chance to be whole. Alone, lonely, unloved, and uneeded. But whole none the less.

I will never love again. I will never have my own family, or adopt another's name as my own, or sleep contentedly with someone who I love greatly. I will never aspire to own land, run a business, or be anything more to anyone thn a colleague, friend, or fellow student.

But I have the right to do all of these things without you mocking me. Without you going around and seducing women while they get off on the fact that somewhere out there there is a woman who loved you more than life and still carries your name and the shame associated with being the woman you are not with. Not loving.

I have the right to not care about you social status. I have the right to a last name that suits me. I don't know what that name might be, but I have the right to keep it and make it a proud one.

I really thought your name would have been it for me. I really htought we would do it justice together and i could forget my orphan past and forget that no one would even properly claim me. I could forget the uncertainty of not having a proper family and we could build one together. But that hardly matters now.

No one will ever remember me. I will leave no legacy. I will not even preserve my family's pride. But it would be a better fate to be forgotten, than to be remembered as your fool of a wife who allows you to treat her as less than human."

I know it was long and teadious. But maybe you understand.

I'm sure I am quite lost.