And Yet Still More... An Interview

15 questions with Young John

John, tell me about your childhood.

Well, Dennis that's hardly a question.

Jesus Christ John, give me a f---, you know what you're impossible. Fine. John, tell me about your childhood, was it a happy one QUESTION MARK?

Sorry, I had no idea you had such low blood sugar... Testy... Ok, well happy? Sure Dennis it was relatively happy, what little of it made any impression at all on me.

Ok... What's the one thing you remember most about your mother?

Dennis...?

Yes, John?

Why do I have to remember anything about my mother, She's still alive...

I apologize John I'm just trying to add a little drama. Work with me here.

Okay... My mother sings a lot. Used to sing, I suppose I mean. She has a terrible voice and absolutely no pitch, but she insists on singing every song that pops into her head, it's ridiculous. In the car, the shower, in cue at the grocery store, with her mouthful, when you say "Good Morning Cindy" Non sto--

JOHN!

Sorry...

What did you want to be when you were a young boy?

Dennis, young is a state of mind, but I suppose when I wasn't as far on in years I always saw myself as a father figure. The job I had never occured to me, I just always knew that I wanted to put food on my loving family's table...

That's good shit John, Jesus I hope i have to tape recorder on... ok, next question, Who's your biggest inspiration?

There are a few, I suppose. Drew inspires me to go to church, Maggie inspires me to be more open minded, and we know there's always that special someone that inspires me to wake up each day and take that first breath. That person that reminds you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That person that quiets my mind so i can finally stop thinking and obsessing and worrying and get some sleep so I can start all over again...And Joe inspires me to never drink more than I can handle 'cause who hasn't driven that jerk home.

John, How is she doing?

I didn't come here to talk about her I came here to help you with you assignment

Yeah, but John, How is she, be honest.

Fine, I don't know good, I guess, why?

I just thought about her. I saw DR the other day and I was just wondering about her and him and what she decided-

LISTEN, I don't want to talk about it. It's hardly my business to even ask her let alone to run my mouth to you.

ok, sorry... What is your favorite word?

What the hell- what kind of crap is this?

I'll ask the questions thank you. James Lipton, Inside the Actors Studio. Focus John.

Fine.. um... Bolox.

What?

James Lipton asks every guest what their favorite CURSE word is, and mine happens to be BOLOX

Fine, Who'd you take in the Ravens/ Dolphins game?

DENNIS

What? I have to fill out my sheet and I hate taking that teams you take.

You are a moron of epic proportions. This interview is officially over-

C'mon, I only have like 12 more question Young!

No absolutely not

Well can I botch your response to the rest of them?

Whatever Dennis, I'm going to the bar. She'll be there tonight if you want to ask her your 20 impertenant, obnoxious, invasive questions.

I'm game.