I feel like poo.

And this time, it's not my fault.

I don't get it. I feel so lost, so lonely. I feel like something's broken, but I don't know what it is and I don't know how to fix it. I have so many decisions to make and I feel like no matter what I do, no matter what choice I finally make, it will be the wrong one. Or atlest everyone will think it's the wrong one. For some reason, all of a sudden, everything that everyone else thinks matters to me. Every remark, everytime they ignore me, everytime I can't have what I want because of someone else I just feel defeated. That's not like me. I don't know when I stopped being me and started being scared of what people think and concious of mistakes they think I make. It helps a little, to make me a better person. But I used to always know what was best for me. I knoew where I was headed and how I was going to get there and no one was going to hold me back. Now I'm just lost. I'm just stuck here with things I want but I can't have. Things I want to do but I'm so concerned with what everyone and their neighbors dog think of it that I just can't do it. I don't know how I got here. Worse I don't know how to get out.

Actualy, I know one of the two. Mr. Hampster.
I tried so hard to be his Mary Poppins, perfect in everyway. But I couldn't. I couldn't do it. I tried so hard to convince myself that thats what I wanted. That what he wanted was best because "he's perfect". I know what I want... I want to get out of here, away from him.

My crazy mother doesn't help.
Again, trying to please impossible people is not my specialty. Being myself is. But she didn't like me, so I change. And then she doubts me. She says I can't do the one thing that might actually make her proud of me. "You can't please me, you're not strong enough. You'd be better off failing at pleasing me by just being yourself." (not a direct quote, but it felt like she could have said that without a studder, without a breath.

I don't know what to do. I want to just be me, but I disgust myself. I want to be what they want me to be, but being the right person disgusts them. I am thoroughly convinced that I could leave this town and no one would even notice I was gone. But, she's right, I haven't the strength. I haven't the strength to leave because I want to stay and make things right but I can't. I can't be perfect. I can't fix things that aren't my fault. i can't justify being born. I can't be Mary Poppins. Thats just not me. I'm just me and no one likes that. No one is pleased with that because I am not who they would have me be.

I can't turn back and I can't go forward. I'm stuck and I'm scared and I feel so alone. I feel like no one in the world understands me; I feel like i can't articulate well enough to make them understand me. Worst of all, I'm not doing my job, I'm not doing what I was put here to do. How can a bastard child with a bright mind, no future, no past, and no place in this world, being doing the work of God?

Who knows.

Maybe it'll all get better sometime down the road.
Maybe this is just some cruel joke.