Tu lo sai, lo sai crudel

We were talking in my Health 140 class about when to stop giving CPR or other first aid medical treatment.

My teacher's answer was "At the point of exhaustion- when it would endanger your life to continue"

And then I realized...

I was exhausted with you way back in the day. So why do I keep breathing for our relationship?

I took a true mental self portrait a few days ago. I am at a point where I had some time to re-assess my life, devise some new goals, and redefine my expectations. Here is what I realized:

I am carrying around toxic baggage from years past.
I still feel, soome where in my heart, like I need your love and approval to exist and be well- adjusted.
I need to either get past my emotions about certain people or remove them from my napsack of self doubt, self reproach, and other detriments.
I feel like I need to tell you, but I have to let that feeling go to.
That The Boy is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and he has exquisite timing to help me through the previous feelings.

Here are some things that I want to tell a few people, but will never get a chance to.

I miss you. I am sorry for every thank you note I never sent, every prayer I never said, every tear I never cried, every phone call I never made. I will see you eventually, but sometimes I don't feel worthy.
You are the reason I am a christian. That is the reason I will always love you in some way.
I never loved you. I loved the idea of you.
Maybe, some part of me got married as a rebound. Not a rebound to any one person, a rebound to an idea.
I want you to be happy, but I don't want any part of it.
I am very dissapointed that you would think me capable of malice. You know me. You know who I am.
The day you told me that you didn't like me when you first met me because I had all the answers in math class I realized you weren't my kind of people.
No, I will never like you. You creep me out and there is nothing you can do to un-do the weird eerie sort of pain you caused me in our tumultuous past.

I feel better knowing that life will go on just like it always has whether or not I address these people.

I also feel better knowing that these gripes, painful memories and old baggage will not hinder my life, my love or my soul from gorwing and flowing an developing.

But I know it's time. Time to get you out. Time to beat the rug and get all the dust out. Time to wipe the mirror and see me again. Time to relax in a hot bath and feel my frozen fingers. Time to stop the lame allusions and get to work!