A Life in Parts.

There are a few things that I have left out.

Nay- that I have even lied to you about my faithful followers.

Please allow me to apologize. I didn't realize until just now that my omission or disguising of the truth may have hurt you. Or that my telling of the truth may have bought you some peace- an inward peace of knowing that I am ok, an outward peace in knowing that those of you out there who know my pain are not alone in your decisions or needful prayers.

I still do not possess the strength or the peace of heart to tell you everything, but I hope that, in a few installments, I may tell you as much of my heartache that you should care to read. I hope also that you will learn from me. That you will learn to comfort and deal with the lost ones. That you who are lost will feel less alone and maybe even invest some hope in my success. That you who have been where I am now may share your strength with me and help me further my progression. That maybe you too will share your story with bravery to someone who is in need.

I will begin by telling you who know and you who do not know that I lost my virginity before I was married. It broke my heart and my spirit and began my descent into one of the most bizarre and frightening times in my life. I no longer carry the same shame with me that I initially felt, nor do i bear the same irritation at my ignorance. I have seen why I made my choices and were the lead.

This was a trauma to me because my chastity was something I valued highly. When Mr. Hamster loved me as much as I loved him, we joked that our relationship would not be consummated until long after our wedding day because, well, in short, sex is a huge commitment. The breaking of blood in something no one should take lightly. Speaking frankly as a lady, it hurts like hell, too. And there is a reason for that. But, regardless of how I felt, I gave in to the serpent in my ear and gave up my only chance to start from the beginning.

I didn't know why I did it. And it was a horrible experience. It was with a man twelve years my senior at a time when my life was consumed in doubt. I wanted to be loved. I knew he would never love me. I wanted to be held. I knew he wasn't the type to hold. I came to the odd conclusion that it was time. That I should let go of my childhood fantasies of meeting the right man, falling in love, getting married and sharing that first moment together. Besides, no man is a virgin when he is married, so why should I have taken my purity any more seriously?

Something that made my decision even more difficult was that everyone thought I was unchaste to begin with. I suppose because I wear my shirts a little low cut, my skirts a little high cut, I laugh loud and long and I wink freely, I must be a whore. And besides, the only man I had ever loved truly to this point thought I was a whore, so why bother? Why save myself when you were the only one i wanted and you were never going to smile on me again? Your peace was never going to be in my heart? Your hand never upon my shoulder as you examined and corrected my work with loving assurance? You were no longer my truth, Mr. Hamster. And I was already broken.

I'm not blaming him. I made all of my own decisions. I am merely explaining them to you and myself.

So I gave it up. I died a tiny bit in my soul. I cautiously approached the funeral pyre, laid down my pride and my chastity upon it and with my own hands, lit a fire that could only be seen by it's charred mark on my heart and memory.

Looking back, it was a foolish misstep that I could have easily prevented. Had i stop and listened to the Peace of God whispering my ear, I could have found the strength to walk away.

More accurately, had I stopped listening to my foolish pride and envy, I could have resisted the temptation.

I made a choice to forge ahead. Against God's Will. Against my love for myself. Against the things I knew to be true about my friends who had made the same choice.

In the end, it hurt more than words can describe, he disrespected my gift and my body more than I thought possible, and I made a hundred more missteps that- had I abstained, had I resisted- would have never occurred.

Then maybe you would see an unbroken heart here before you.

This was only my first mistake. Allow me to revive my memory from it's weeping, and I shall give you more of my soul later.