YES... I love you.
YES... I miss you.
YES... I hate the thought that you might move on and forget that I ever existed.
YES... I feel guilty hoping to see an image of you, curled up in a corner, calling out my name in a psychotic break.
YES... I wish you didn't suck.
YES... I feel guilty for not sticking by you and helping you.
YES... I'm more happy to be alive and unburdened than I am guilty.
YES... I walk around terrified that at any moment you may pop up and try/ kidnap me and hide me away in a mountainside.
YES... I dream about you every night. Most of which are horrifying nightmares. But thats nothing new.
YES... I cry myslef to sleep most nights.
YES.. I cried more when I was with you and suffered more at your hand than any time in my life before or since.
YES... without your love I feel dirty, ugly, and, well, "Certified Pre- owned"
YES.. . I do certain actions with the hopes that you may find out and be crushed.
YES... I feel guilty for all of those moments as well.
WHY? Because I truly loved you whether you ever gave me a second thought or not. Because I was tricked by the devil himself into attaching myself to you. Because I wanted to be enough for both of us. I wanted to love you enough and keep you safe from drugs and your family and my family and the world and I know now that I was asking too much. Because I am not an angel or God or even a princess. I have no control or even ability to contribute to your hapiness. Because the sex really was that good, even if it was my first consentual experience. Because I have been told my whole life that no one would ever want me and I was blind when you said you might. Because I had a plan. Because I have people who expect things from me and I couldn't handle the pressure. Because I liked having someone to hold me at night... that is when you were home and didn't smell like stale beer and weren't mad at me for some uncontrollable reason. Because I meant it when I said I do forever.
I'M SORRY... for being so sincere and transparent. I wish I were able to lie or be deviant like you. Then maybe this wouldn't feel like this.
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1 comment:
I'm not so sure why you describe yourself as sincere and transparent . Sincerity is to show your true feeling and transparency to give a clear view. You my dear, seem to be quit foggy and confused in your description of your now, mundane life. I must say it is completely unattractive. Don’t you know that indecision is the worst decision? Can you not make up your mind. You said it.
Quote: “Because I meant it when I said I do… forever.”
If you hold any truth in your writings then what is wrong with you? Unless Webster changed the definition for the word forever, forever means , no matter what it takes, to stay by each others side, to always be able to count one another, for all future time, the rest of your life, ceaselessly, everlasting, without end, times infinity… If you hold any validity in your words then you’ve already answered your own question. Unless, you are emphatically a habitual liar then your words have no value..
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