ACQUIRE THE FIRE.
WOW.

I'm so glad I went Saturday.

I really didn't want to and then I felt so bad that I had reserved a ticket and wasn't going to go. So I went and wow.

I choose the door of the disciple.
I die daily.
Everyday we make the choice to either live in God's will or ignore it. It's either/ or. It's like being pregnant. YOU'RE NOT A LITTLE PREGNANT, JUST LIKE YOU'RE NOT A LITTLE CHRISTIAN. wow. that's one from the duh files but it still caught me off guard. Lately I haven't felt ALIVE, let alone CHRISTIAN.
I CHOOSE THE DOOR OF THE DISCIPLE.

The only man who is going to dictate my actions from this day forward is Chrst Jesus my lord.

Yes everything else is worthless when compared to the priceless gain of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. I have discared everything else, counting it all as SKEBALAH so that I may have Christ and be one with him. I no longer count on my own goodness or abilities to obey God's law, but I trust in Christ to save me for God's way of making us right with himself depends on faith.
1 philipians 3:7+8

DAYS OF SCHOOL LEFT: 26

PAPERS TO WRITE FOR CRUMMY AP ENGLISH TEACHER WHO GAVE ME A D: 275

WAYS I HAVE SINCE DEVISED TO PULL A SENIOR PRANK SO OUTRAGEOUS WE WIL BE OFF OF SCHOOL UNTILL THE COWS GO HOMES SO AS NOT TO BE FORCED TO COMPLETE SAID 275 PAPERS FOR SAID CRUMMY AP ENGLISH TEACHER: ENDLESS

now that that is out of my system; could someone please tell me why ex-boyfriends are so friggin crazy? I thought maybe it was just Mr. Heartbreaker with his whole deal last year. Then Mr. Hampster went all out of whack on me. Now a previously un-introduced ex (not unimportant, just unmentioned for the glorious fact that he wasn't one of the crazy ones) Mr. Future Millionaire is going completely spagetti eyes on me.

What a twisted web we weave...

more later I have to go sulk...

Okay so spring break officially sucks.

I'm working 30 hours this week which is good becuase I need to money, but I was hoping on totally relaxation time- you know time to spend with friends and stuff. What? You mean I have to have friends to spend time with them?? well that sucks...

I officially think Mr. Hampster has issues with commitment. Surprise? no. Did I figure this out a long tiome ago? yeah. Was I hoping he'd change? no not really. Can I get over him now? who knows.

As much as I love him I honestly think I am not only insane but in extreme need of time spent far far away. Not just a spring break, but a spring break in say cancun, where there is no reminder of Hampy.

Good lord I need a life.

I'm going to go make cookies and cry about not having anything fun to do for the rest of the week.

OMG SPRING BREAK OF SENIOR YEAR>

How now holy brown cow!!!!

JUST IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING:
I'm not a snob.
I don't think I talk to much.
I do think Mr. Hampster does really love me.
I am sorry for people I've hurt.
I don't deny I've hurt a few people lately.
I am just trying to help.
I do know a few things about how to be a good friend.
I do have feelings.
Just because I smile every morning on the morning announcements does not mean that I am happy. It means simply that I am an actress and that is my job.
I do hate some people and that makes me feel horrible.
I do have bad days.
I am allowed to have bad days.
I am allowed to need someone, anyone to listen to me whine (about nothing and everything all at once.)
English really is my best subject, despite what my report card might say.
I am not sorry that I think I'm an okay person.
I am not sorry that I need attention.
I am not sorry that I was never supposed to be born and was.
I am not sorry that I am in your way, whoever you may be.
I walk, talk, act, think, cry, jump, laugh, run, play,work, write, ponder, swim, type and do so many more amazing verbs just like you.
I am strong, I am pensive, I am smart, I am capable, I am a woman, I am lonely and theres still so much more to me.

If you're hung up on how I act, look, speak, move, think or any combination of these and other facets of my personality, I'm sorry I can't help you.
Amazingly, I am not responsible for how much you dislike me.
Deal with it on your own time.

I am entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness and if you don't agree you can just bugger off...

wow... the url for my website (this one) is "My real name is Luly." I think it's highly ironic considering the whole name change thing that happened a few weeks ago.

I feel the worst I've felt in a while. Everythign has just been hitting a wall lately and I think it's actually starting to have noticable effects on me. I've tried to hold together the Mr. Hampster business. I've tried to hold together the Future stuff. I've tried to hold together the "I hate my family and house" feelings. I've tried to hold together work and school and clubs and meetings and crappy friends and good friends and my own deficiencies and I'm thinking this is just not working. I'm feeling really hopeless and helpless and alone and even a little faithless and that worries me. I'm frightened and I'm lonely and I'm just plan annoyed at the world. I DON'T KNOW WHATS WRONG WITH ME.

Things could be worse, I know. I just couldn't feel any worse. I'm getting NUMB and thats DANGEROUS. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions, call 1-800-please-someon-care! Feelin a lil like noone does.

But who should, I'm just that chick on the announcements anyhow, no one really needs to KNOW me.

PLAN A) EL NAVY
PLAN B) EL SOCCER-IO MOMMY-O
PLAN C) There is no plan C, but if there were, it would invovle getting married and MAKING BABIES!!!!!!! WEEOOO!

Sorry, I just needed to let everyone who was concerned know that; yes, I know the navy might not work out, but, Yes, I do have other plans.

T-48

48 what you ask?

48 more days until BLAST OFF.

In case no one noticed, I have a new last name.

Here is the official, top ten list of Crap-o-lack rumors as to why I have changed my name:

Number 10: I was adopted by my stepfather. This one is the one that most people like to believe. For whatever reason, it is an easy explanation that people who don't know me suddenly pull out of their belly button as an excuse. And lets think this thru: In Maryland, you don't have to change your last name if your adopted. Its about finances, not always sybolism.

Number 9: I want to be like John Cougar Mellancamp. For those of you who know who this is ( mostly no one-- think "jack and Diane") John Cougar- John Mellancamp- John Cougar Mellancamp ect....

Number 8: I want to be like Pheobe on a recent episode of friends. A) I did not pick a name like Bannafanna, and B) I changed my name a week before that episode aired.

Number 7: I want to be like Pheobe on friends. This on gets two in the Top Ten Crap-o-lack reasons because i don't even watch friends and if I were stupid enough to change may name because of a show, I would atleast change the whole dang thing.

Number 6: I just needed a change. Anyone who knows me knows I hate change.

Number 5: It's a better stage name. Yeah friggin right...

Number4: I didnt REALLY change it, I'm just pulling a clever rouse on EVERYONE. Yeah, ok if I were that smart I would be able to think up something better and though that is half true, I didn't really change it, I dont' like to fool people.

Number 3: I am really a secret agent from Russia.Yeah right, then where's my accent?

Number 2: She changed her name? isn't she Kellie Hale? (p.s. Kellie Hale is a petite Black girl)

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON ON MY TOP TEN LIST OF CRAP O LACK RUMORS FOR ME TO CHANGE MY LAST NAME: (dun dun dun dun dun dun!!!)

I got married.

Yeah friggin right.
In the words of my moms boyfriend (NOT my adoptive father): "What would marry you?"

Everyone needs to not bother trying to think of a reason to sound like their in with "that chick on the TV". You don't need to know why, but if you must know ASK ME instead of believing Stephanie Noname or John Doe who does not know me or my story.

In short, it doesn't affect you, since most of you don't know me from Kellie Hale anyways...

I hate that life has to end just as life is begining. I just want to be with him now and worry about forver later. But I don't want either of us to hurt. such is life, full of completely impossible possibilities.

Okay I don't know when I wrote that, but it must have been before Mr.Hampster and I had our little heart to heart. I'll say little because anything else makes it a "little" too much. Too much said, too much done, and too much is still there to just leave. If that makes any sense.

In a word: FUTURE.

In a phrase: WITH HIM.

Enough? It never is, but hah, thats all you get.

SO if you couldn't tell, he and I atleast understand one another, if not feel something nearly sympatico. Not perfect, but atleast honest, and that's way more than anyone else feels like I deserve.

IF YOU HAVENT ALREADY:
You should go and see Mel Gibsons new movie THE PASSION. For people who know me and I mean know me well, you'll know that I don't really like sitting through movies, nor do I like people who talk insesently about movies. In fact, I rather like going to crappy movie just so I can talk throughout them. And don't ask me what I thought about a particular scene after we've left th movie theater because my memory sucks and you won't even think we've seen the same movie. But this movie was amazing. Forget the fact that I'm christian. Forget the hype. Forget the fact that I saw it while holding on to Mr. Hampsters strong bicepts, breathing in his air. Just think about this as immature, lonely, ADD having me. I sat through an entire 2 1/2 hour movie WITH SUBTITLES, I spoke not a word through the movie save for a grunt when Mr. Hampster told me I "didn't have to watch the crucifixtion", didn't speak a word AFTER the movie was over and, AS IF THAT WEREN'T ENOUGH TO ASTOUND AND AMAZE, I remeber evey part of the movie as if it were some sick and twisted brain washing technique. Not to suggest that it IS, IT WAS JUST THAT GOOD.

If you're not christian, go see it. If you are, go see it. If you're "black, white Lemon or Lime" go see it. If your mom just died, go see it . If you painted your nails, go see it. IN SHORT: EVERYONE AND THEIR MOMS DOGS BEST FRIEND NEEDS TO SEE THIS MOVIE.

With kleenex and your Mr.Hampster :)

He drives me insane.

"Like a Hampster, he gets on his wheel and goes around and around and around and doesn't bother with anyone else"

I would love to hate him and be mad at HIM for all the annoy and ridiculously arrogant, selfish things he does, but I can't help hating myself. I hate all the time I've wasted. I hate all the love I've given him. I can't spend that time any other way now. I can't NOT think about all the times I've wished we were together, especially all the time that we WERE together, but his heart just wasn't there. I don't like to doubt other peoples feelings and i feel bad assuming this, but I truly believe that I never affected him. I honestly think that my presence in his life has made ABSOLUTELY NO DIFFERENCE. To love so much and to see so much wasted is truly saddening.

And people wonder why so many people give up on love.

Everything is going a little bit better.

Valentine's Day could have turned into a crash point, but my mommy and I went to New York to get a prom dress and then to Connecticut to see my Aunt Maryann. I spent the whole day having a good time with my mom and didn't think about Mr. Hampster once. I thought about his mom and how cool she would think New Yorks Fashion district is, but thats about it.

So I got a gorgeous prom dress that makes me feel like a Princess (which I am, btw) for under 50 dollars (Can you believe it?) and the rest of my outfit my mom felt it best to splurge, since the dress was such a steal (by splurge I mean 50 dollars for under garments- every girl should wear a corset once in her life-- it is an instant mood lifter, I gotta tel you.) Butin spite of the shopping spree, I managed to spend less than HALF of what I thought I would spend on the dress ALONE. Again, Major Major mood lifter, as every girl knows.

Staying with my aunt is incredible. She's like a little old lady housing a seventeen year old. She has the best stories and the coolest house. Not to mention, she's just as crazy as I am in every way. I think it runs in our blood.

But while I was at her house I had the weirdest dreams that really made me think. People might think I'm crazy, but I really think that both God and Satan can send us very powerful messages in our dreams, because it's the only time our own thoughts are out of the way. I won't go into too much detail because it would take too long and it really was incredible frightening, but let me tell you what: I stared Satan in his crystal blue eyes. He came to me as Mr. Hampster- posessed but suave and dashing and I couldn't pull myself away, I couldn't even speak- and offered me everything- the whole world literally flashed before my eyes- diamonds, parties, fancy houses, limos, royalty--everything anyone would want and he told me he would give it all to me in a second if I would just agree to be his. I know this sounds insane, but I really take a lot away from my dreams and I think both God and Satan were trying to tell me that the obsession I have with Mr. Hampster- or anything of the world for that matter- makes me a princess on earth and a partner to Satan's plan. I woke up feeling like I had just danced the night away in the arms of the only man I could every see myself loving but it was all a mirage, an image as fake as my dream. then I realized: a life spent loving anything more than He who has saved me by his blood is but a second living the "good life" and an eternity away from God.

I have to say, that dream was a very terrifying awakening.

I feel like poo.

And this time, it's not my fault.

I don't get it. I feel so lost, so lonely. I feel like something's broken, but I don't know what it is and I don't know how to fix it. I have so many decisions to make and I feel like no matter what I do, no matter what choice I finally make, it will be the wrong one. Or atlest everyone will think it's the wrong one. For some reason, all of a sudden, everything that everyone else thinks matters to me. Every remark, everytime they ignore me, everytime I can't have what I want because of someone else I just feel defeated. That's not like me. I don't know when I stopped being me and started being scared of what people think and concious of mistakes they think I make. It helps a little, to make me a better person. But I used to always know what was best for me. I knoew where I was headed and how I was going to get there and no one was going to hold me back. Now I'm just lost. I'm just stuck here with things I want but I can't have. Things I want to do but I'm so concerned with what everyone and their neighbors dog think of it that I just can't do it. I don't know how I got here. Worse I don't know how to get out.

Actualy, I know one of the two. Mr. Hampster.
I tried so hard to be his Mary Poppins, perfect in everyway. But I couldn't. I couldn't do it. I tried so hard to convince myself that thats what I wanted. That what he wanted was best because "he's perfect". I know what I want... I want to get out of here, away from him.

My crazy mother doesn't help.
Again, trying to please impossible people is not my specialty. Being myself is. But she didn't like me, so I change. And then she doubts me. She says I can't do the one thing that might actually make her proud of me. "You can't please me, you're not strong enough. You'd be better off failing at pleasing me by just being yourself." (not a direct quote, but it felt like she could have said that without a studder, without a breath.

I don't know what to do. I want to just be me, but I disgust myself. I want to be what they want me to be, but being the right person disgusts them. I am thoroughly convinced that I could leave this town and no one would even notice I was gone. But, she's right, I haven't the strength. I haven't the strength to leave because I want to stay and make things right but I can't. I can't be perfect. I can't fix things that aren't my fault. i can't justify being born. I can't be Mary Poppins. Thats just not me. I'm just me and no one likes that. No one is pleased with that because I am not who they would have me be.

I can't turn back and I can't go forward. I'm stuck and I'm scared and I feel so alone. I feel like no one in the world understands me; I feel like i can't articulate well enough to make them understand me. Worst of all, I'm not doing my job, I'm not doing what I was put here to do. How can a bastard child with a bright mind, no future, no past, and no place in this world, being doing the work of God?

Who knows.

Maybe it'll all get better sometime down the road.
Maybe this is just some cruel joke.

I THINK I WILL DIE IF HE MARRIES A BLONDE SUPERMODEL AND HAS 2.5 CHILDREN A HOUSE A DOG AND A WHITE PICKET FENCE BEFORE ME.

I just thought I would warn everyone who might not already know...

I feel better about everything lately.

I've been thinking a lot lately (being as I've been stuck in the igloo for like 27 million days with nothing to do but knit- knit and think knit and think-- thats it!) And I think I'm okay with everything.

I am going in the Navy. I started filling out and application to college but I'm not going to finish. I was doing it for them, not me. Them being anyone who doesn't get me or want to try to get me...

I am okay that Mr.Hampster might get married to a very beautiful blonde before I ever get married (if I ever get married). I think I will and I know he'll be just the right guy. Better than a dozen Mr.Hampsters...

I'm okay that no matter how hard I try, some people will just never like the fact that I'm alive and I just have to live with them...literally...

I am just plain okay...

I have a purpose here even if I don't get it. Heartache and let-downs have their place to, even though I'll never get that. And I am OKAY.

I think...

GRADUATION DAY BLUES

Everyone’s rearranging-their all changing
What it is what it has to be
I’m just left here standing- Feeling a little stranded
And I don’t know what’s left to do
Shipping the supplies- boxing up our lives
Catching the next bus to anywhere

It seems like they’re unafraid-Ready for change
But I’m not no I’m not-
I’m not ready to let it go
Let it grow, Let it mold into something new
Does anyone feel what I’m going through?

I’m finally where I’m meant to be
You can’t take that away from me
Tell me to leave- tell me to walk away
From the only place that I feel safe
The only place that calls me home

I’m not no I’m not
I’m not ready to let it go
Let it grow, Let it mold into something new
Doesn’t anyone know what I’m going through?

The rest of our lives- Cutting all ties
Start it over and over again
I don’t want to leave but I can’t stay
And I can’t hold on to today
When it’s all going to fade away

Well it’s too late to hesitate
Pack it up, get on your way
Cause I can’t stay in yesterday
Tomorrows just a day away

But I’m not no I’m not
I’m not ready to let it go
Let it grow, Let it mold into something new
Can anyone help me make it through?

Miss.Loquacious (a.k.a. my best friend with far too much estrogen): "What is going on HERE?"
Me: "they're putting up drywall-"
Miss.L:"NO YOU DINGLE BERRY! HEEEERE!"
ME: Looks at Mr.Hampster who is completely oblivious with his headphones on "OH! Nothing..."
Miss.L:" Nothing? Why not? MR.HAMPSTER!!! WHY IS THERE NOTHING?"
Mr.Hampster: "Oh it's not nothing it's DRYWALL."
Miss.L: "NOOOO! NOT THAT HEEERE!!!!" (makes an exageratted hand jesture and nearly knocks over the DRYWALL)
Mr.Hampster: "OHH!! Nothing."
Miss.L: "NOTHING? WHY NOTHING!?"
Me: "Because there's nothing."
Miss.L: "WHY is there nothing?"

I'd like to know the same thing Miss.L.
The easy way to think about it (one day at a time) is that there's nothing because there's nothing. Maybe, one day, I'll actually convice myself that there's nothing.

Okay, so here are some tips for guys who need Valentine gift giving ideas:

If you've been dating for more than a year:
You should already know what she wants. If you don't, you're not only a complete failure as a boyfriend, but you are also a disgrace to the whole of the metrosexual generation. TSK TSK.

If you've been dating for less that a year (like way less-like 6 months):
If you haven't already, buy her jewlery! Nothing fancy, no rings cause HI! They hint at something more important! But ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FAKE. (think about it this way: only men with fake jewels BUY fake jewels) If you're going to buy jewlery, make it real or forget about it. AND NEVER TELL HER HOW MUCH IT COST! I'm sure you'd hate a guilt trip if you got the wrong thing or worse, forgot altogether, so don't make her feel bad on the most romantic day of the year by telling her you had to blow your months salary on it instead of going out with the guys. If you have already given her jewelry, this girl is probably special and you should probably glitz it up; Her favorite flowers, tea, coffee, or hot chocolate, and an evening of star gazing or, if she's an active girl, an afternoon of horseback riding would do fine; Just be sure to do something you'd both enjoy.

If you want to ask someone to be your Valentine:
My AIM is THEBADGUMMYBEAR. Feel free to contact me and let me know what's up, and I will not only agree to be your valentine, I will take you to the store and pick out my gift for you.

Now that you know I don't want to hear any of the girls I know complaining about the Swiffer you bought her OR the fake jewels.

It frustrates me that the only reason guys have broken up with me is for who I'm not rather than who I am.

I mean, I have enough annoying qualities. I wake up ealry and like everyone else to wake up with me because I cant stand not having attention, I'm obsessed with school in the sense that I do well and I know it, I'm annoyingly perky and absolutely in love with bubblegum pop like Hanson (I even piss myself off sometimes), when I'm in a bad mood, no one can touch me, and I'm far to clingy for anyones benefit.

But guys tend to break up with me for what I'm lacking. I'm not pretty, I'm not good enough to bring home to mommy (or bad enough, depending on the guys objective), I'm not into sex, I'm not into drugs, I don't like heavy metal or classical music all that much, I'm not a princess (atleat not as much as I'd like to think so), I'm not very mature, though I'm not too IMmature-- In short, I'm not perfect.

The more I think about it, the more I start to see myself for who I'm not. I think that's why this whole "future-oh-my-what-in-the-name-of-sweet-cow-milk-am-I-going-to-do-with-myself?" approach to life is coming from lately. People say to me "what do you want to be, what do you want to do with yourself?" And all I can think is that there are a hundred things I'm not that I would love to be just so I can be that perfect Miss. for a perfect Mr.

I hate thinking of myself in terms of "I am not" rather than "I am" or even "I will be." It really bites.