Wow.

I don't know how to describe what i am feeling. I am content and anxious all at the same time. I am free and chained to something/someone/some idea. I am unyeilding yet sofly giving in. I am a mass of enigmatic matter, raveled in and around myself.

I am in love.

Maybe not. But I surely wouldn't be surprised. No, I really don't know what this is. If it is love I can admit that I know nothing of love nor life and I must recant all that I stand for and humble myself to my barest resemblance.

It was Mr. Future Millionaire's birthday yesterday and we went to see and movie (we being him, myself and Miss.Woowoo) and then we went to a late night denny's hit up for a birthday sundae and a turkey sandwich. I gave him a funny card, we took cute photos together, the kind that only best friends take at one in the morning in the middle of their court when they can't think of anything better to do, and we had some moments in the car, just him and I. NO, not those kind of moments... just talking moments. Moments where we thought, in depth, about the fact that we have been friends for 5 years now. Moments of encouragement as friends where we all but said "I love you and I stand by any decision you should choose to make because I know you'll succeed"

Now I am having (twice as many) dreams about him. Dreams about him and I, married with twins that look just like him and a dog the looks like like his and a picket fence. But they're just dreams and that's ok... Or maybe it's the worst thing in the world because I have no idea what i am feeling. And I have no idea what to tell him. Is it ok for me to tell him I love him? Do I love him? Is it proper for me to tell him that I want to be with him even after all I have put him through?

Last night he called me princess. In a joking way ("What would you like to listen to on MY radio, PRINCESS?") But when i said, "I am so glad I am a princess..." He didn't object. And it wasn't mean or patronizing, it was nearly natural that he should call me princess and then do exactly what I ask... This is where I get so confused... because of the little things. The driving when I ask him to drive and just because I ask him to. The adjusting of the temperature because I'm cooler than I'd like to be. The flowers when he's mad at himself for making me slightly annoyed. The smile I get when I smile at him. The softness when I answer his phone calls. The candid conversations about life and money and future and love.

I guess I am resovled in thinking that he just wants a good friend... Someone to hang out with and talk to whenever.... That's natural, Right?

But it just feels so... so small, compared to what I see just beyond all this small talk and the casual outtings. The desire that I have to be with him is growing in the most unusual way. I want to see how he turns out in 20 years. I want to see what business he has, what his kids look like, what car he drives, what jeans he likes... I want to see the next 20 , 30, 70 years with him as my best friend. My date to every wedding, my partner in crime, my "I know everything about you" person, My other half while still being wholly me...

It feels like I have come home and like I am on the biggest adveture of my life all in one.

Wow.