As the date draws near, I am more and more tense. I am overwhelmed by a sense that when all is said and done, life will be so perfect, so felicitous that the proverbs about being too good to be true will all manifest themselves in the worst possible way.
"When you're divorced,will that be the end of it?"
Oh Boy, one can only hope. But I have such horrible nightmares based on real live threats,accusations and insanities that I met with during my brief marriage to Beelzebub himself that I just do not know.
What if he does something crazy? I won't give you any ideas, just in case, but just think- what if?
In other troubling thoughts, I feel so grievous that I could not accomplish one of the only good things that could have possibly come out of my marriage. I didn't save anyone. I didn't convince anyone of their worth. I didn't show anyone how much more they could have out of life.
Watching people get beat daily by discouraging words from an uneducated, unfeeling dictator is hard. Walking away from that situation without having done the least bit of good is even more difficult.
I know that we can't expect everything to work out the way we want, that God works in mysterious ways, and that people chose their own destinies, etc.
But I still feel helpless.
I still feel like there was something I could have done, some encouragement I could have given, some protection I could have offered.
I know I should have called the police a dozen times or more. I know I should have pled with more than one person to free themselves of that wretched place. I know I should have been less tolerant of the dark and more shining myself.
All I can do now is live with the same of deserting the only shred of good that could have come out of my poor decisions. All I can do now is allow God to rebuild my life in a manner pleasing to Him and pray to be rid of the terrible memories- of the late nights, of the drug abuse, of the tyranny, of the dread.
Showing posts with label Jesus and all things relative. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jesus and all things relative. Show all posts
Monday, July 06, 2009
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Freedom?
I have been stewing about this for a few whole years now, and you get to see the result of all this pent up aggression. And yes, aggression is the correct term for it all.
If you know anything about me at all you know that while I am generally placid, I have my quirks. Some topics of which that are guaranteed to light my fire include:
If you know anything about me at all you know that while I am generally placid, I have my quirks. Some topics of which that are guaranteed to light my fire include:
- Oogies in my Orange Juice
- People who insist on asking stupid questions in lecture
- Chemical birth control
I have finally decided that today is the day i resolve my feelings, forget my pain an move on. And I'm not talking about confronting a pulpy orange juice, that is just disgusting. And you stupid question askers, you will feel my wrath for at least another 6 months. It is time to let go of my hurt and anger and horrible associations with "The Pill," "The Ring," and "The Shot." Here goes a lot of stuff...
Yesterday I read this article in the Baltimore Sun which just added on more delightful reason to my ever growing list, "Why I hate Chemical Birth Control (And why you should too.)" It is a simple, mostly harmless article about birth control and how it deadens our logic as women and causes us to prefer the pheromones our first cousin gives off to that of a person with completely different genetic make-up. A mistake that can lead to a host of awkward conversations at family events as well as the increased potential for miscarriages and birth defect and diseases such as Tay-Sachs.
After ingesting this information, I, in my usual way, shook my head, crossed my arms and sucked my teeth.
You see, I hate birth control and everything it means. I think it is the most ridiculous answer man has ever given to a question no one should be allowed to ask : What to do about that pesky side effect of Nature, conception? Touted as the answer to Women's Lib, we have been told for nearly 50 years that birth control is a sign of our freedom.
"We finally have a choice! To be pregnant or not to be pregnant, that is your decision! Don't count on HIM."
HELLO? Did anyone go to health class? It was our decision from the beginning. Long before you heaved that sigh in his ear and kissed that french kiss, you had a choice. Regardless of the moral consequences that the freedom to terminate an enumerable amount of lives has caused (In case you didn't know, the pill and the ring and other estrogen based birth control methods allow for eggs to be fertilized and grow into tiny, thriving blastocysts-yes, little babies- and then flushes them from your body like nuclear waste at the end of each cycle.) look with me for one moment at the physical side effects women put themselves through:
- Blood clots
- Hormonal imbalances
- Sterility
- Heart failure
- Low/ High blood pressure
- Anxiety, Depression, and thoughts of Suicide
- Extremely long/ short periods
- Weight gain
- Nausea
- Vomiting
- Headaches
- Dizziness
- Fatigue
- Bone Density Loss.... ETC ETC ETC
Why you crazy women choose to do these things to yourselves, I will never understand, nor will I try to. And this isn't even about you. Go on. continue to feed you ovaries caustic materials, if you don't mind, how can I?
This is about me, and how I feel, and the fact that this keeps me awake at night, strains my relationships with some people and really just ends in me embittered towards them. i have to resort to the old model of communication for how this makes me feel:
When you... Tell me to keep my opinions to my self
It makes me feel... sad and worthless
Because... I have thoughts too.
The system in our culture is imbalanced and tilted AGAINST my favor. It is acceptable and even "responsible" to use hormonal birth control, but for those of us that prefer to wait until they are capable and secure enough to support a child to have sex, we are shooed to the kids table while the adults go on Sex and The City and parade themselves around us in a high and exalted fashion. Or (gasp) those of us that, while we see the allure in another's eye, and while we fall in sexual sin, choose not to alter our bodies natural chemistry and opt for barrier or spermicidal measures of safe sex.
Why is it ok for you to mock, shame and even make me feel left out of the cool club because of my choices? You truly don't know enough about me, nor do you care enough to have the right to treat me disdainfully.
And your answer to me is "Well, keep your opinions to yourself and no one will judge you"
Excuse me?
You can flaunt your choices left and right, throwing your judgement on me if i don't follow suit, telling me about your health issues while I sit, lips pursed unable to solve your problems for you? I don't judge you, I just tell you the truth and how I feel.
But you? You can judge me?
Sorry for caring.
Do you care? Have you ever once asked me why I feel the way I do?
Perhaps you said that I am an extreme conservative when I say that if you don't like condoms, maybe you shouldn't have sex, or you should be in a committed and stable relationship and place in your life.
Perhaps you tell me that I only adopt my views to threaten your manhood, and that I would gladly give into the next man that comes around.
Perhaps you don't listen to any of my outcries and you threaten to take away your approval of me if I don't comply. Maybe you're the one that holds my arm down on the table and forces me to make a decision I will regret for the rest of my life because you want to break my spirit into a million indeterminable pieces.
Maybe I am just an old-school, back woods, baby loving extremist.
Or maybe, I am a respectful, loving, calm, truthful heart with a story to tell that if you cared about for one moment-who knows- I might change your life.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Within a secret, without a cause.
A noteworthy passage from Benny's diary about something she misses most of all.
"... but what of it? So what if I am never loved again? would that be the end of Benny? No, I would go on. I would continue to exist. I would continue to breath and live and write and have desires. So what if they were unfulfilled?
I don't miss DR. I miss the prospect of love that DR represented. DR and I had the same last name. DR and I said that we were in love. So what if he never meant it. I meant it. I loved him. I loved the idea of being with someone forever, even if he treated me abominably. Maybe I deserved it. But enough of that.
I miss the fact that we might have been a family, a real family. I miss the prospect of children. With each passing day I think 'what if i would have put up with it for another month, or year? Then maybe I would have something to show for it' But that is crazy. Are you a family just because you have a child? Are you worthy just because you have a child?
But I can't dream of children again. Or a family. Or a marriage. I just can't. A man like Young warrants atleast that. Atleast the love of an unwounded woman. Atleast a woman who could trust him enough to give him all of her dreams. As I am now, the experience with DR has me so fearful of falling for treachery and perfidiousness that I run from Young everytime he might love me. Young does loves me, I know it. But at what price and why?"
Oh Benny, will you ever relent?
"... but what of it? So what if I am never loved again? would that be the end of Benny? No, I would go on. I would continue to exist. I would continue to breath and live and write and have desires. So what if they were unfulfilled?
I don't miss DR. I miss the prospect of love that DR represented. DR and I had the same last name. DR and I said that we were in love. So what if he never meant it. I meant it. I loved him. I loved the idea of being with someone forever, even if he treated me abominably. Maybe I deserved it. But enough of that.
I miss the fact that we might have been a family, a real family. I miss the prospect of children. With each passing day I think 'what if i would have put up with it for another month, or year? Then maybe I would have something to show for it' But that is crazy. Are you a family just because you have a child? Are you worthy just because you have a child?
But I can't dream of children again. Or a family. Or a marriage. I just can't. A man like Young warrants atleast that. Atleast the love of an unwounded woman. Atleast a woman who could trust him enough to give him all of her dreams. As I am now, the experience with DR has me so fearful of falling for treachery and perfidiousness that I run from Young everytime he might love me. Young does loves me, I know it. But at what price and why?"
Oh Benny, will you ever relent?
Monday, April 28, 2008
I think I made a huge mistake...
While Roasting Marshmallows.
I just think I want to cry for about thirteen days straight.
But what I really need is some heavenly assurance.
And Health Insurance.
And a day off.
And a million dollars.
Regardless, I am an idiot.
And I am not afraid to admit it.
Atleast, I won't be when I don't have a choice. And all the world will know that I make silly choices when I am left to my own devices on warm summer nights with you by my side and a silly notion of affection.
Not everything that happens while roasting marshmallows stays in the fire.
I just think I want to cry for about thirteen days straight.
But what I really need is some heavenly assurance.
And Health Insurance.
And a day off.
And a million dollars.
Regardless, I am an idiot.
And I am not afraid to admit it.
Atleast, I won't be when I don't have a choice. And all the world will know that I make silly choices when I am left to my own devices on warm summer nights with you by my side and a silly notion of affection.
Not everything that happens while roasting marshmallows stays in the fire.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Redemption
"I took it off, Young"
Just like that, eh? He thought.
But what he said was nothing. He should have told her he was proud of her. He should have congratulated her for her bravery and determination. But now she was free. Before, when she was married and scared and unhappy, she needed him. But now that she was strong and free and happy, would she leave him? Would she find someone to be free and loud and interesting with her? Would she remove her light from him and leave him to wither?
"Just like that?" A slow response with a heavy heart.
"Yes. Just like that I remembered who I was and where I am and that I'm not a slave and that Jesus bought my freedom from Hell, why shouldn't I be happy? And I took it off. And I feel... I feel again Young."
There she goes, he thought. There she goes, flitting away from me like a fairy on a midsummer night, there she goes like the sun behind a storm cloud, there she goes like a fish in a stream. Beautiful freedom, and so far away from him.
Then she leaned in and kissed him, soft and sweet. She kissed him more timidly than he ever thought her capable of.
And he put his arm around her and he was free with her.
With great joy, she was free.
Just like that, eh? He thought.
But what he said was nothing. He should have told her he was proud of her. He should have congratulated her for her bravery and determination. But now she was free. Before, when she was married and scared and unhappy, she needed him. But now that she was strong and free and happy, would she leave him? Would she find someone to be free and loud and interesting with her? Would she remove her light from him and leave him to wither?
"Just like that?" A slow response with a heavy heart.
"Yes. Just like that I remembered who I was and where I am and that I'm not a slave and that Jesus bought my freedom from Hell, why shouldn't I be happy? And I took it off. And I feel... I feel again Young."
There she goes, he thought. There she goes, flitting away from me like a fairy on a midsummer night, there she goes like the sun behind a storm cloud, there she goes like a fish in a stream. Beautiful freedom, and so far away from him.
Then she leaned in and kissed him, soft and sweet. She kissed him more timidly than he ever thought her capable of.
And he put his arm around her and he was free with her.
With great joy, she was free.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
On this the day of your exes birth...
A short note, written, or what should have been written a long time ago, or yesterday, to DR, or someone very much like him:
Dear DR:
It has been a pleasure being associated with you these short months. I truly am fascinated by you and how well you carry yourself. You are a testament to decency and modern Christianity. Thank you for this experience. I hope that we can have future meetings, atleast of the minds, for yours is one highly regarded to me.
Thank you
A short, or rather long response that was never written, but the pain of omission that haunted DR acutely all the days afterwords:
My Darling:
Your Salvation has meant the most to me all of this time. I am flattered and in awe of what God is truly capable of doing in and because of you daily. You have come so far in your faith and through such adversity you have flowered and already begun to show fruit. I thank you for your kindness in noticing God's most humble servant, but your admiration, I feel, is more than I could ever accept. I merely spoke truth to you. A truth tinged with my passion for Christ and for you.
I love you and reccommend you in every prayer to my God. I hope that, one day, we will meet in more than just thought. My dear, all shall be clear in time, but know this: You will walk not a step without my careful prayer and God's watchful eye. And God willing, I will follow you and nurture you in Christ all your life.
Until the right time:
Yours and Yours truly,
DR, or someone like him
Dear DR:
It has been a pleasure being associated with you these short months. I truly am fascinated by you and how well you carry yourself. You are a testament to decency and modern Christianity. Thank you for this experience. I hope that we can have future meetings, atleast of the minds, for yours is one highly regarded to me.
Thank you
A short, or rather long response that was never written, but the pain of omission that haunted DR acutely all the days afterwords:
My Darling:
Your Salvation has meant the most to me all of this time. I am flattered and in awe of what God is truly capable of doing in and because of you daily. You have come so far in your faith and through such adversity you have flowered and already begun to show fruit. I thank you for your kindness in noticing God's most humble servant, but your admiration, I feel, is more than I could ever accept. I merely spoke truth to you. A truth tinged with my passion for Christ and for you.
I love you and reccommend you in every prayer to my God. I hope that, one day, we will meet in more than just thought. My dear, all shall be clear in time, but know this: You will walk not a step without my careful prayer and God's watchful eye. And God willing, I will follow you and nurture you in Christ all your life.
Until the right time:
Yours and Yours truly,
DR, or someone like him
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Somewhere no one knows my name (unless, of course, they ask to see my blog)
He called last night.
I wrote about the call earlier today and I used quite a bit of expletives. a practice I usually save for face to face brawls. I even apoloqized to myself for using improper dirty names to describe him and made an entire list of correct ones.
I'm not in the least bit ashamed about what I wrote or how because it is mine. Once again, my writing is mine and I am not being judged at every period.
And it felt good.
It felt good to get mad.
It felt good to feel justified.
It felt good to fight fair. Because I did.
It felt good to know that I was doing something good for me in letting him argue his own case.
He fussed and fretted and finally gave in to himself. I think. I don't really know. I just know that I tried to steer clear of any useful input. My toungue is sore to say the least.
He apologized, sort of. He admitted wrong, sort of. Mostly that's not true. He WANTED to apologize...sort of. He wanted to know why he should apologize. He wanted to be justified in blaming me for what went wrong. He wanted ME to admit fault and accept and apoloqy all at the same time.
You cannot apologize and make the other person feel bad at the same time.
Scratch that, YOU CAN apologize and make the other person feel miserable and worthless, it just won't get you a fulfilling forgiveness.
At this point, go cry to Jesus. I can't harm you anymore than you have yourself. And I can't help you, not if it means dying.
The following is an improper apology:
"I'm sorry your lamp is broken. I know you think I did it, but you are mistaken. Yes, my hand swung at the lamp. Yes the lamp flew out the window and smashed into bits on thewet ground below. But gravity broke your lamp, I was merely repositioning it. I know you're angry now, but in time you will come to love me. Besides, that lamp was only pretty to you. The rest of us thought it rubbish"
What course of action (other than NOT BREAKING THE LAMP) might our sorry frind take? Read on...
"I am so sorry. It seems as though I have broken your lamp. Here is $400. It's all I have on me, but if that doesn't cover it, call me tomorrow and we will go to the store together. If they no longer sell the beautiful lamp that so artfully graced your small side table, I will either find someone to replicate it, or be content in allowing you to choose whatever you should like to replace it. Again, my sincerest apologies. And, really anything. You want and Elephant? Babar it is. You want and english muffin? I will literally hand you an english muffin wiff buttuh an' jaam"
So that last sentence is obviously out of place. But that silly gecko. Anyhow...
You see the difference? "Agree, Acknowledge, Act."
Blame should not come into an apology. There should be no "Well if you hadn't have put that lamp in front of the window it would have never fallen out" N-N-No. No. Never. Not for any reason. Just a simple "I am sorry for_________. I know doing/saying/being ______________ was wrong because__________. And I fully intend to rectify the situation by_____________."
What does that kind of apology look like in real time? The following is what might have been pleasing to my ears:
"I am sorry I was a douche.
"I am sorry that I slept with other women/ made you think I might have been sleeping with other women. I am sorry I smoked crack/ that I made you think I might have been smoking crack. I am sorry I spent all you money and my own on gambling, naked women, drinking, and marijuana. I am sorry that on our wedding night I couldn't perform because I was too intoxicated... And for the entirety of the month of May 2006.
"You deserve better. Someone who loves and cherishes you not just with words but with Christlike actions. I am in a 12 step program/ in jail for what I have done/ have since contracted a deadly STD and only have 9 days left to live. I am making lifestyle changes based on the transgressions I have commited against you and the holy sacrament of our marriage. I owe you a huge thanks for helping me realize that I was not living the way God intended.
"Even though you no longer feel safe/ comfortable/ loved around me, I want you to know that I did all of those things out of ignorance. Not to hurt you although I know that I have. But I have failed myself and my God most of all. Please, forgive me and pray for me. I want to allow you to move on from the horrible things I did to you knowing that I have repented and will never treat another human being as dishonorably as I was so blind to have treated you. I love you and I wish you everything you tried to show me, love, affection, and the saving grace of our Lord."
At that I would have told him that he had free forgiveness from me just as we have free forgiveness from Christ in our sins. I would have told him that trust is something earned and once lost is gone forever. I would have also told him that I respect his apology and his repentance and that I would reccomend him to my God.
Instead, I just use nasty words to describe him. Like Lint-licker.
I wrote about the call earlier today and I used quite a bit of expletives. a practice I usually save for face to face brawls. I even apoloqized to myself for using improper dirty names to describe him and made an entire list of correct ones.
I'm not in the least bit ashamed about what I wrote or how because it is mine. Once again, my writing is mine and I am not being judged at every period.
And it felt good.
It felt good to get mad.
It felt good to feel justified.
It felt good to fight fair. Because I did.
It felt good to know that I was doing something good for me in letting him argue his own case.
He fussed and fretted and finally gave in to himself. I think. I don't really know. I just know that I tried to steer clear of any useful input. My toungue is sore to say the least.
He apologized, sort of. He admitted wrong, sort of. Mostly that's not true. He WANTED to apologize...sort of. He wanted to know why he should apologize. He wanted to be justified in blaming me for what went wrong. He wanted ME to admit fault and accept and apoloqy all at the same time.
You cannot apologize and make the other person feel bad at the same time.
Scratch that, YOU CAN apologize and make the other person feel miserable and worthless, it just won't get you a fulfilling forgiveness.
At this point, go cry to Jesus. I can't harm you anymore than you have yourself. And I can't help you, not if it means dying.
The following is an improper apology:
"I'm sorry your lamp is broken. I know you think I did it, but you are mistaken. Yes, my hand swung at the lamp. Yes the lamp flew out the window and smashed into bits on thewet ground below. But gravity broke your lamp, I was merely repositioning it. I know you're angry now, but in time you will come to love me. Besides, that lamp was only pretty to you. The rest of us thought it rubbish"
What course of action (other than NOT BREAKING THE LAMP) might our sorry frind take? Read on...
"I am so sorry. It seems as though I have broken your lamp. Here is $400. It's all I have on me, but if that doesn't cover it, call me tomorrow and we will go to the store together. If they no longer sell the beautiful lamp that so artfully graced your small side table, I will either find someone to replicate it, or be content in allowing you to choose whatever you should like to replace it. Again, my sincerest apologies. And, really anything. You want and Elephant? Babar it is. You want and english muffin? I will literally hand you an english muffin wiff buttuh an' jaam"
So that last sentence is obviously out of place. But that silly gecko. Anyhow...
You see the difference? "Agree, Acknowledge, Act."
Blame should not come into an apology. There should be no "Well if you hadn't have put that lamp in front of the window it would have never fallen out" N-N-No. No. Never. Not for any reason. Just a simple "I am sorry for_________. I know doing/saying/being ______________ was wrong because__________. And I fully intend to rectify the situation by_____________."
What does that kind of apology look like in real time? The following is what might have been pleasing to my ears:
"I am sorry I was a douche.
"I am sorry that I slept with other women/ made you think I might have been sleeping with other women. I am sorry I smoked crack/ that I made you think I might have been smoking crack. I am sorry I spent all you money and my own on gambling, naked women, drinking, and marijuana. I am sorry that on our wedding night I couldn't perform because I was too intoxicated... And for the entirety of the month of May 2006.
"You deserve better. Someone who loves and cherishes you not just with words but with Christlike actions. I am in a 12 step program/ in jail for what I have done/ have since contracted a deadly STD and only have 9 days left to live. I am making lifestyle changes based on the transgressions I have commited against you and the holy sacrament of our marriage. I owe you a huge thanks for helping me realize that I was not living the way God intended.
"Even though you no longer feel safe/ comfortable/ loved around me, I want you to know that I did all of those things out of ignorance. Not to hurt you although I know that I have. But I have failed myself and my God most of all. Please, forgive me and pray for me. I want to allow you to move on from the horrible things I did to you knowing that I have repented and will never treat another human being as dishonorably as I was so blind to have treated you. I love you and I wish you everything you tried to show me, love, affection, and the saving grace of our Lord."
At that I would have told him that he had free forgiveness from me just as we have free forgiveness from Christ in our sins. I would have told him that trust is something earned and once lost is gone forever. I would have also told him that I respect his apology and his repentance and that I would reccomend him to my God.
Instead, I just use nasty words to describe him. Like Lint-licker.
Monday, February 11, 2008
So mixed in him, that Nature might stand up, And say to all the world, THIS WAS A MAN!
This week, Stauros ministries came to our church in place of our usual Pastor.
I am always moved by the young men and women that come to us from Stauros, a Godly ministry developed to support peeopl battling addiction with the love of Christ and the solidarity of community.
This week I was moved to tears as usual, and I liked the young fathers testimony of God's love. And I enjoyed the study of Proverbs: "The name of the Lord is a strong tower the righteous run into it and they are saved."
Then, I felt a deep well spring of anger build within me. Suddenly, I hated these recovering addicts and their testimonies and their guitar playing and praising of the Lord. I felt like this growing disgust was cutting me from within, starting with the soft tissue of my lower abdomen and working up and out to my throat. As the burning sensation grew, I had to clear my head.
What was my problem? Jealousy. The jealousy in seeing these successful men grow and flourish in the wealth and light of God. Jealousy and guilt. The guilt that comes when you turn your back on someone who needs you more than you know.
I have said it before, but I have never truly admitted to the guilt I feel. I saw and addicts pain. I felt the disease rip my life apart end from end and I ran. I ran
into the strong tower of the Lord and I pulled up my rope and I left the most important person behind. The person who didn't know where to run. The person who thought that he was safer in his addiction.
What have I done? Have I saved myself and preserved myself in the Lord's sight? Or have I once again disobeyed Him and ignored His command to save the lost sheep over the 99 safe sheep?
I am always moved by the young men and women that come to us from Stauros, a Godly ministry developed to support peeopl battling addiction with the love of Christ and the solidarity of community.
This week I was moved to tears as usual, and I liked the young fathers testimony of God's love. And I enjoyed the study of Proverbs: "The name of the Lord is a strong tower the righteous run into it and they are saved."
Then, I felt a deep well spring of anger build within me. Suddenly, I hated these recovering addicts and their testimonies and their guitar playing and praising of the Lord. I felt like this growing disgust was cutting me from within, starting with the soft tissue of my lower abdomen and working up and out to my throat. As the burning sensation grew, I had to clear my head.
What was my problem? Jealousy. The jealousy in seeing these successful men grow and flourish in the wealth and light of God. Jealousy and guilt. The guilt that comes when you turn your back on someone who needs you more than you know.
I have said it before, but I have never truly admitted to the guilt I feel. I saw and addicts pain. I felt the disease rip my life apart end from end and I ran. I ran
into the strong tower of the Lord and I pulled up my rope and I left the most important person behind. The person who didn't know where to run. The person who thought that he was safer in his addiction.What have I done? Have I saved myself and preserved myself in the Lord's sight? Or have I once again disobeyed Him and ignored His command to save the lost sheep over the 99 safe sheep?
Monday, February 04, 2008
I also cc'd Jesus on this one, but he kinda already knew.
An adendum to my first note of prayer, this one is for Tracey.
I forgot to tell you why I need to start this outreach now.
I had a growing feeling about the importance of my work for Christ within the subculture, but didn't fully realize the impact of my feelings until I mentioned my thoughts to one of my best friends within the church, Tracey. She said she would pray for me and bring it up in an evangelism team meeting. My church loved the idea and wants to help me.
Just knowing that i have their support tells me that God is already working small miracles in my life and the lives of those he is allowing me to move.
Again, thanks:
Belisima
I forgot to tell you why I need to start this outreach now.
I had a growing feeling about the importance of my work for Christ within the subculture, but didn't fully realize the impact of my feelings until I mentioned my thoughts to one of my best friends within the church, Tracey. She said she would pray for me and bring it up in an evangelism team meeting. My church loved the idea and wants to help me.
Just knowing that i have their support tells me that God is already working small miracles in my life and the lives of those he is allowing me to move.
Again, thanks:
Belisima
I said this to you, but I CC'd Christ
Homie, great to meet you, so to speak.
I was mulling over what God was telling me lately and I happened to mull aloud to my best friend in Christ, Kimmie B. She said, "You have to do this and you have to seek out Homie for help"
Sometime's God gives us choices and He waits patiently for an answer. When I was saved in 2003, He waited patiently for me to work out my faith and decide how to show it in my life, all the while preparing me to be a go-between culturally. Forever on the fence of uber-conservatism and out right left wing, I bounced back and forth for a while until God got tired of waiting. Now, I think I have to put to work what I have learned.
I'm sorry if this sounds strange or overly artistic, I just wanted to give you some background on my current position.
I am a 21 year old woman with a part time job, going to school full time,and in the middle of a divorce. My Catholic family never really understood my faith and unfortunatly neither did my husband. I've been kicked out of church choir, admonished for my outreach to the gay community and ultimatly turned away by a church that I love and was saved in.
But I plug quietly away and continue to show for church regardless of how they view my tatoo, my divorce, my family... I continue to recite scripture to my gay friends in a quiet, literary way, all the time answering their questions and showing them the love that Christ shows me. I continue to do the things that God tells me to, without hardly understanding or seeing any benefit, all the while trusting in his promises.
I guess I am appealing to you for help. I need help showing peole the forgiving love of Christ. Especially people that my church may be uncomfortable reaching out to.
Imperfect people like me who drink on friday nights. People who have had premarital sex and don't know why they feel guilty. People who like having purple hair. People who don't know the first thing about Christ but know that they are missing something. Men who love their boyfriends, Latch-key kids, Jews for Jesus...
General subculture people who understand that only God has the power to judge us and only we have to power to show what glorious things He has done for us.
So, Homie, do you think you could maybe help me?
Patiently living on God's word:
Belisima
I was mulling over what God was telling me lately and I happened to mull aloud to my best friend in Christ, Kimmie B. She said, "You have to do this and you have to seek out Homie for help"
Sometime's God gives us choices and He waits patiently for an answer. When I was saved in 2003, He waited patiently for me to work out my faith and decide how to show it in my life, all the while preparing me to be a go-between culturally. Forever on the fence of uber-conservatism and out right left wing, I bounced back and forth for a while until God got tired of waiting. Now, I think I have to put to work what I have learned.
I'm sorry if this sounds strange or overly artistic, I just wanted to give you some background on my current position.
I am a 21 year old woman with a part time job, going to school full time,and in the middle of a divorce. My Catholic family never really understood my faith and unfortunatly neither did my husband. I've been kicked out of church choir, admonished for my outreach to the gay community and ultimatly turned away by a church that I love and was saved in.
But I plug quietly away and continue to show for church regardless of how they view my tatoo, my divorce, my family... I continue to recite scripture to my gay friends in a quiet, literary way, all the time answering their questions and showing them the love that Christ shows me. I continue to do the things that God tells me to, without hardly understanding or seeing any benefit, all the while trusting in his promises.
I guess I am appealing to you for help. I need help showing peole the forgiving love of Christ. Especially people that my church may be uncomfortable reaching out to.
Imperfect people like me who drink on friday nights. People who have had premarital sex and don't know why they feel guilty. People who like having purple hair. People who don't know the first thing about Christ but know that they are missing something. Men who love their boyfriends, Latch-key kids, Jews for Jesus...
General subculture people who understand that only God has the power to judge us and only we have to power to show what glorious things He has done for us.
So, Homie, do you think you could maybe help me?
Patiently living on God's word:
Belisima
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