She grabs her magazines
She packs her things and she goes
She leaves the pictures hanging on the wall, she burns all
Her notes and she knows, she's been here too few years
To feel this old

He smokes his cigarette, he stays outside 'till it's gone
If anybody ever had a heart, he wouldn't be alone
He knows, she's been here too few years, to be gone

And we always say, it would be good to go away, someday
But if there's nothing there to make things change
If it's the same for you I'll just hang

The trouble understand, is she got reasons he don't
Funny how he couldn't see at all, 'til she grabbed up her coat
And she goes, she's been here too few years to take it all in stride
But still it's much too long, to let hurt go (you let her go)
And we always say, it would be good to go away, someday
But if there's nothing there to make things change
If it's the same for you I'll just hang
The same for you
I'll always hang
Well I always say, it would be good to go away
But if things don't work out like we think
And there's nothing there to ease this ache
But if there's nothing there to make things change
If it's the same for you, I'll just hang

I wish I could post on my forehead or other visibly prominent section of my epidermis :
"FRAGILE: HANDLE WITH CARE
...Please"

All my life I've been knocked down, pushed in the ground and kicked around. I can't tell you how many times I've been told I shouldn't have been born. How I've cried at yet another disapointing friendship coming to an unnecessary end. I've been emotionally trashed, psychologically toyed with, physically made to feel helpless and spiritually tormented- and that is just by the hands of my family members. Think of what a toll this cruel and unforgiving society has inflicted upon me.

And yet, people are still so careless. They enter my heart and soul like a drunk enters a car, uncarring and relaxed, content until the end with whatever damage they may cause.

And though I am fragile, I am built to be quite resilient. Like Job, I take everything the Devil can give me and still manage to trust my Lord, Savior and friend to still provide salvation no mater the damnation I see lurking around every corner and in the eyes of everyone I seem to meet.

Despite all of my resilency and vivacious determination, I have a message for the world:

Be kinder to your bastard children, your widows, your divorcees, your psychologically instable. Haven't they suffered enough at the hands of Lucifer? Do not allow you body to house the foreign Agents of Sin, that is don't whore yourself out to Demons. Control your malicious thoughts and abusive language towards me and all of the other travelers. Do no harm, forgetting those who have harmed you.

I'm lucky, God has given me strength. Don't count on others to recover so well. Why be like a disease, defeating and consuming, when you could be the bringer of Light and show fruits of the spirit towards those around you and help them out of their personal, living hell?

That's all.

So i just finished watching Momento with Guy Pearce and I have a thought I must record:

Perhaps i so often have thoughts that i must record because if I didn't then I would forget them and if I forgot them I would have nothing to live for.

And scene.

I have a thought; Maybe I should wade out of all of this arsty, indepth, prose-like commentary on virtually NOTHING and I should perhaps use this medium as an actual form of communication. I don't know when my views of life became "deep" and "meaningful", but I have to say, I am begining to detest how much I end up whining on this thing. It's just so easy to assume that there is someone reading it that understands then it is to try and get all of this introspection out in speech. I guess everyone needs there outlets, but my goal for this new year is to change EVERYTHING about myself. I want to be quieter and more meaningful in person; Less like an excitable, but oh-so-loveable DOG and more like a tolerable human being. I guess that would involve forcing myself to stop thinking that every thought I have is worth sharing; Hence my attempts to cancel this here blog. But, since I haven't quite reached that level of self-sufficiency and contentment, I will simply entertain myself and write about how I wish I could stop writing. I will fill your mind with foreign thoughts and not think twice about it because it's what I do.

I could go on, I could talk about the weather and the joys of being snowed in, i could talk about my financial situation, I could talk about moving out of my parents house, I could even talk about driver's ed. But I can't bring myself to use words like they're disposable. I can't stand to not have the mean something. So it looks as though my only option is just to stop.

I wish my mom would have been the kind of Mom that fixed everything.

I wish just once I would have had the luxery of hearing "it's ok, it's ok, I'll fix it, don't worry..."

But I got a working mom.

I got an old, tired, poor, lonely, self-serving, been-there-done-that mother. I got fed formula by a babysitter and played with my brothers 13 year old hand me down toys instead of getting new Barbies and the subsequent acessories. Instead of interactive family play time and on the button 6PM family dinners, I got a television and a mickey mouse peanut-butter and jelly sandwich maker.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mom for all it's worth. I loved playing dress up in her clothes, I loved being carted around when she went on lunch dates with her girlfriends, I even loved going to work with her. But I would have prefered, instead of being groomed to be an old bitter, single mom, a chance to be a daughter. A chance to grow up under the protective wing of an overbearing, lovingly rebuking mother figure.

Instead, I'm a responsible adult who never grew up. I have a job, but no car because i was never taught to drive, I was only driven. I am self-sufficient, but completly dependant on that fact. i ahve no one and thats how I like it, because if i had someone I wouldn't be able to depend on the consistency of loneliness. I am an under-achieving genius because there is nothing to achieve. No boundaries were ever set to test, no expectations ever enforced. I have no goal to rebel against my parental unit, nor no drive to exceed the limitations placed on me by her expectations. I want to do well, but i am comfortable with not even existing. With never impacting the world around me. I have accomplished somethings, but nothing for anyone to notice because there's no one there to notice. With no reason to be and no one there to clean up after my mistakes, there is no reason for me to be and no reason for me not to be.

I am undone with no direction on how to be completed.
Like a puzzle with no final eding picture, such is a parentless child

So I haven't written in a while and verily I say unto thee, this may be my last blog entry ever.

Now I know I have a few loyal fans, but I also know how extremly boring my life is and how little evern those "fans" really care. I just wanted to say thanks for reading and coming along on this crazy journey. Through all the Mr's and heartbreaks and joy, this blog has been a constant and now I leave it to enjoy something more fleeting but exponentially more precious: Life. I have one piece of advice for everyone absorbing this and that is that you should Live. Don't just exist. Affect people, change the world, make a difference. We are meant to have impacting lives. So Live.

Until I change my mind_
A Bien tot
Louise

JOE: hey, i wanted to leave a comment on ur blog but i have to sign up and all that crap and i dont feel like doing that, so here it is: I dont think that the reason alot of your friends that are now going to college have lost touch with you is because of them being full of themselves or any kind of egotistical attitude they may posses.

JOE: ive lost touch with about 3 of my best friends, and sometimes i really just dont have any explanation for it but i can atleast tell you my theory on the loss of communication between recently-distanced friends. I just think its like you said earlier in the entry, "everyone comes to a point in there lives at which they realize that they hate their major, prospective jobs and their new friend and new identity" but in this case its occuring during an important part of their lives, where alot of things change and usually alot of people change along with their lifestyles.

JOE: and sometimes those people just cant be motivated towards kindling those old friendships anymore, because there life is so different now, it could almost be possible that meeting for the first time with that person after this change in their lives wouldnt result in any friendship at all. Ok, well i know that was a ton of shit to say at once but i guess i get my really long and exhaustive blog commenting habits from brandon :-P

JOE: lol sorry

thebadgummybear: thats ok
thebadgummybear: and I understand, my life is different too
thebadgummybear: but my collegiate friends think I'm wasting away to nothing and they're becoming presumptious pious images of their former selves and it hurts

JOE: you've gotten alot more like... i guess talented with your wording, have you been reading more or something?

thebadgummybear: no I've always been this genius, no one's ever listened
thebadgummybear: lol
JOE: i dont think your wasting your life, but like ive seen, in this society we live it, its expected by so many people to go off to some magical career or college right after school is over, and some people cant accept when someone doesnt take that route
JOE: no ive listened, but im having flashbacks to ms browns class with all the dignified vocab
thebadgummybear: I know! all these expectations! I can't take the pressure of modern civilization
JOE: its like, you have always spoken clearly, but now when you choose words, it seems you choose the ones that have the most... influence
JOE: lol
thebadgummybear: I like you
thebadgummybear: you're a smart kid
thebadgummybear: lol
JOE: we're both smart kids
JOE: and we should have a little pride in that, its healthy
thebadgummybear: I do have pride, I think thats why, in that rant atleast, I was so vehement about telling everyone off
thebadgummybear: I'm still intelligent and intellectually fruitful, even though I'm not getting any "education"
JOE: lol yea i can really get like that sometimes too, but for me, its like when i get emotional, my emotions just ride on the words i use and i can say alot more than i mean to, or in a much harsher manner than is needed to stress my point

JOE: yea for me, my education is more of a review of everything ive already learned in highschool

thebadgummybear: I get more verbose the more aggrivated I am
JOE: haha same here
thebadgummybear: thats why people are afraid to fight me, I pull out words that have proverbial dust on them, they're so infrequently spewn
thebadgummybear: that scares a good many "intellectuals" into hiding
thebadgummybear: i love being a smart provacator


see? I'm still a friggin' genius. NA NA NA NA NA NA! (RASPBERRY)

Fall is here, hear the yell
back to school, ring the bell
brand new shoes, walking blues
climb the fence, books and pens
I can tell that we're going to be friends
Walk with me, Robbie D
through the park and by the tree
we will rest upon the ground
and look at all the bugs we found
safely walk to school without a sound
safely walk to school without a sound
Here we are, no one else
we walked to school all by ourselves
there's dirt on our uniforms
from chasing all the ants and worms
we clean up and now its time to learn
we clean up and now its time to learn
Numbers, letters, learn to spell
nouns, and books, and show and tell
at playtime we will throw the ball
back to class, through the hall
teacher marks our height against the wall
teacher marks our height against the wall
We don't notice any time pass
we don't notice anything
we sit side by side in every class
teacher thinks that I sound funny
but she likes the way you sing
Tonight I'll dream while in my bed
when silly thoughts go through my head
about the bugs and alphabet
and when I wake tommorow I'll bet
that you and I will walk together again
I can tell that we're going to be friends

"I made a new friend..."
"Real or Imaginary?"

Thank God for the White Stripes and Donnie Darko to define my newest friendship with a certain Mr.Bunny... Well not classically, but he's a new version. Mr.Bunny Nuveux....

Hello you. It's me again. I don't know what you think you're doing here- why you think you're welcome- but nonetheless you're here again. Right on time, early even.

Oh, I'm sorry, who is that? That is a little friend i like to call Birthday Blues-a.

Why I would ever expect ol' blue to miss our annual date, I couldn't say, I suppose I was figuring on being stronger than I really am. I suppose i thought I could just ignore it, just wish it away. But no, I have been beaten. As always I'm down for the count, this time in the 18th round.

What are birthday blues you ask? Truly lost and lonely souls might understand, but I will try to convey the purpose and painfulness of the birthday blues to you regular folk as well.

Birthday blues are a perfect blend of "poor me" and "when will this life be over?" The blues over-shadow every fear you may have had through the long and arduous past 365 days. All the doubt, sadness, disillutionment, pain, strife, and general ickiness you have ever felt in your life tags along with the blues, and let me tell you those are the most unwelcome guests ever.

Why oh why would someone ever have these dreaded blues you ask? When you come to the realization that you should have never been born, that everyone around you dispises your very creatioin and blames the whole natural fiasco of your birth on you, when the man who is resposible for half of your genetic make-up won't acknowledge your existence, even for a brief moment of his immature, self absorbed time, when you have no one with which to share all of your fears, doubts and qualms with life in general because you're too busy worrying about being acceptable and pleasing to them and making sure that they don't leave you alone and a-lonely like everyone else has mannaged to do, then, and only then you can know that you have met the Abominable Blues head on.

I am not trying to be melo-dramatic with this whole thing. I'm just trying to be real. I am trying to save the one shread of humanity I feel I possess from slipping away. I am trying to preserve my life; not my existence, but the very reason I breath at all from disapearing from the record books altogether.

I have a great joy in knowing that God is my Father, my Creator, and the Lover of My Soul.
But the Devil always gets me with these damned Birthday Blues.

I just read my last post and I have to say, I crack me up.

I think everyone comes to a point in there lives at which they realize that they hate their major, prospective jobs and their new friend and new identity and they wish they could go back and make every decision that lead them to that point all over again. Well, I have skipped that whole mistake in my life rather effectively and I honestly think that that is why all of my collegiate "acquiantences" have so vehemently discontinued contact with me. Understand, I feel no malicious angst against you, only you actions... or unactions. Yes, your inability to answer a letter appals me, but I still wrote it and I still care. There is time to redeem yourselves, if you only would listen to your gut. Get over yourselves. You will not be any better than I am when you hold you PhD in Philosophy and are working in retail. You will not be any more succesful than I will just by the default of your title because you will still be uncultured, prideful dolts. but I still love you. I just hate the way you don't still love me.

A FRIENDLY NOTE TO ALL MY ASSOCIATES IN COLLEGE:

I am not dead. I do still exist even though it may seem impossible; what with my non-impacting lifestyle and all. I have not changed my name, I have not started smoking pot or having sex, and I still enjoy intelligent life forms. Please don't think that just because I'm not paying exorbenant fees at a beurocratic institute for textbook knowledge and brief over views of world philosophies that I am any less educated than yourself. Please don't entertain the thought of me, sitting on my proverbial tuffet, wondering what to do with myself now that I have no life, comparably speaking. Don't let your mind be fooled or your hearts be troubled, I am hard at work at my four self-educating jobs and with my sitcom "loser" townie friends. When I contact you, it is not because i am bored, lonely, depressed or even free to actually conversate. It simply is an olive branch that I choose to extend to you dorm room quadratist, an offering of peace and continuing friendship even though I am exhausted, frustrated and busier than a Harvard grad during the writing of their dissertation. If you should feel so disinclined as to not conversate in return, please don't use the excuse of homework, school or your new social lives to cover up. Simply say you would not like to speak to me. Don't act like you don't know me, or worse that you can spare a moment but thats all because you have to rush off to your self-important, pompous, pious, pretentious philosophy course or science study- group. The fact is, I was only trying to be a good person, there is no need for condecension, rudeness, or any form of malicious ignorance. If you would like a friend in someone as loyal as myself when you arrive home, simply respond to the 27 letters, 10 emails, and 738 text messages and instant messages that I have stretched and scheduled to send you.

A friendly reminder from your local townie in "i'm too busy but i haven't forgotten how to sustain true and connecting relationships," Maryland.

WELL WE'RE OUT OF CAKE!!

Atleast thats how I feel...

How come the two loves of my life, the only two people I can hoestly say "J'aime avec tout de mon couer" (for those of you who don't speak frech, that's sickeningly sappy) either A.) want to ruin my life or B.) can't remember my first name???

Mr.Heartbreaker insists that I am only pretty enough when he's smashed and when Mr.Hamster is in town he gives me the " Heyyyyy, You!..." face. How can you tell me you love me once upon a time and then FORGET ME?

It's Louise by the way... Louise McLoserson....

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MEN?

I seriously think guys have a radar as to when I actually like them. It goes off and they run away. "WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO WATCH OUT! CRAZY MCCRAZERSON DIGS YOU" The only time its safe for them to come near me is when I have no toleration orfondness for them at all.

Being a nun is quickly becoming more and more attractive. The whole cellebacy thing is in the bag.

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD UGH....

Ok, I am a grade a, class one moron!

WHY WHY WHY am I in love with him again? WHY WHY WHY can't I just move on!? WHY WHY WHY WHEN THERE IS NO LOGICAL REASON ON GODS GREEN EARTH DO I MELT AT HIS EVERY TOUCH-- HIS EVERY GLANCE?

I think I will never get over you, Mr. Heartbreaker. My my my what is there to do...

Dear Mr. Heartbreaker:

I am sorry.
I know I hurt you and I wish I could say in all honesty that I didn't mean to, but unfortunatly for you, I did. I made you believe I loved you (which wasn't hard to do because i do love you) and I promised you the world just so I could rip it out from underneath you.

I just couldn't help myself.

If I could plead insanity I would, but I have no one to blame but myself. I cracked under pressure. His words resounded in my head as if it were a 50 foot cavern "I'm done with this." He told me he loved me and he made me believe a world of lies and then he told me I was too immature and stupid and how could I have ever believed that someone as perfect as he was could love someone as flawed as I am?

I had to get back at him. But how?

I devised a plan so decietful, so monstrous, so absurd.

I decided to fall in love. To fall in love with you and to make you fall in love with me and to embarass him. Or to slander him. Or just to get his attention. But, alas, he was impervious. Inattentive. Untouchable.

time for Plan B: I had to make him fall in love with me and pull the same earth shattering ditch on him, claiming I never loved him and ruining his reality.

But the only one close enough was you. You were the only one in sight when I devised my plan so instead of being contented with loving the one man who knew me inside and out, instead of loving you like there were no tomorrow and like I'd never been hurt before- I crushed you. I smashed your belief that I actually loved you, I lied and told you I was done with you.

Now here I am, broken heart in hand, and no one to blame. No where to run. And nothing left.

I should have just loved you. I should ave just accepted who I am and who I was and loved you as best I could.

But I didn't.

I do love you.
And I am sorry.
And there's no one to blame.
Perhaps, just perhaps I am immature...
-Ms. Heartbreaker

ME: ugh Mr.Heartbreaker what are we going to do with me?


Yeah, sometimes the very things I feel make me feel like a fool...

oh lord...

My deja vu...

Country line dancing and Mr. Heartbreaker.

And no I'm not talking about ways I might plot to kill him, nor am I planning a global takover or any other catostrophic event. I am simply relaying to you, most dear and faithful reader, the events of friday night/ saturday morning that make me feel as if I have a slight chance at a thriving social life. Slight, and at that slighty twisted. What am I doing talking to him again? what am I doing hanging out with Mr. "Draw you in with one glance?" perhaps because I am a class A-moron. Or maybe cause he's not such a bad guy.

Who knows...

Mr. Paramour (I cringe everytime I use that word) didn't pass his ASVAB test. I feel like I should help him study or something, but I'm just not allowed. It always seems as though I am compelled to be compassionate towards the wrong people. I had great compassion for Mr. Hampster when his grandmother was sick and look what all that got me-- a whole lotta hurt and an "I'm stuck here no matter what" mantra. What to do What to do??? I think, from now on, it's cut throat policy for me. No one matters but me. Not even the Queen of Denmark...

Sometimes, people who go should just stay gone.

Mr. Hampster came back to town this weekend. He was actually acting like he knew me, which is par for the course when he wants something like two weeks ago when he needed shoes, but this week it just seemed like niceness. I didn't know whether to kick him, cry, or laugh with him and talk about the last three months when we didn't talk about anything. I have so muchI want to tell him and so much I want to talk about and I just haven't been allowed to. I'm not mad, or else I would have kicked him, and I'm not sad or else I would have cried. I just miss him. I miss my best friend. Forever's not too long to be just friends if thats all we were meant to be and I learned that too late. I just want to know what his roomate is like and who he misses most and if he's unpacked and what classes he's taking and who he hangs out with and just everything that's nothing to anyone else. I just want to smell him. And poke him. And laugh at him. God, why does everything have to bee so messed up! Why did we have to ruin this? Why did we ever have to even do this? I don't miss him, I don't hate him, I don't feel bitter, I just-- I just want what was ours to be ours again. I just want to love him and to not be able to say it but to show it and to feel it and to have it.

Some people just stay gone.