Here's the cleanest window into my heart, O ye disbelievers and scorners, o yea of little faith and great condisencion...

Psalm 116
1I love the LORD, because he hath heard my voice and my supplications.
2Because he hath inclined his ear unto me, therefore will I call upon him as long as I live.
3The sorrows of death compassed me, and the pains of hell gat hold upon me: I found trouble and sorrow.
4Then called I upon the name of the LORD; O LORD, I beseech thee, deliver my soul.
5Gracious is the LORD, and righteous; yea, our God is merciful.
6The LORD preserveth the simple: I was brought low, and he helped me.
7Return unto thy rest, O my soul; for the LORD hath dealt bountifully with thee.
8For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling.
9I will walk before the LORD in the land of the living.
10I believed, therefore have I spoken: I was greatly afflicted:
11I said in my haste, All men are liars.
12What shall I render unto the LORD for all his benefits toward me?
13I will take the cup of salvation, and call upon the name of the LORD.
14I will pay my vows unto the LORD now in the presence of all his people.
15Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints.
16O LORD, truly I am thy servant; I am thy servant, and the son of thine handmaid: thou hast loosed my bonds.
17I will offer to thee the sacrifice of thanksgiving, and will call upon the name of the LORD.
18I will pay my vows unto the LORD now in the presence of all his people.
19In the courts of the LORD's house, in the midst of thee, O Jerusalem. Praise ye the LORD.

Prasie Ye the Lord Almighty, God of Heaven and Earth...

How come Mr.Hampster has time to talk to everyone but me?

How come I'm the last to know about his internship, who he's living with, who he's meeting, and the classes he's taking? How come I contantc him atleast once every two weeks and i get no reply? Silence. Not even silence. It's like he's dead to me. I feellike the father in the prodigal son story, just waiting and waiting and waiting at home with no word, while my son does things I never taught him to do. But atleast he's doing well. I keep telling myself that that's all that matters; his hapiness. But that's only true until I hear from someone else about his big life changes. That's only a fact until I have a dream about us kissing, a dream in which he says "I don't want to have to move in close to kiss you... You have to meet my lips where they are." That's only true until I send him an email/letter/text/message/phone call that goes unanswered for the a length of time that seems to stretch beyond the horizon and loop around to catch up to me, writing my next letter, imploring him to please, please,please help me understand how he's doing, what he's doing, how he feels... I don't want to hear he's doing well from other people. All that matters is seeing his handwriting, hearing his voice, opening an email, or recieving a text message from him saying "I'm doing well."

That's all I want.

I've been trying to record all that has happened recently oh, a billion times, but freak accidents, time constraints and more important things have come up. I will now sum up as best I can in order to fulfil your need for info about my life and avoid previous restrictions...

A) i got new glasses, yeah!
B) Dave... yeah not so much...
C) Mr. Hampster sister... eugh... nuf said
D) Mr. Future Millionaire re enters stage right. :)
E) Powers.. Yeah I have 'em...

Aren't you jealous that my life is cool enought to be itemized in an outline?

So I know you're all dying to know about "Dave." I know this because random people are leaving comments on my blog saying "I want to hear more about Dave." (P.S. If you are said random person,who are you?)

Here's the here about Dave. He's great. He's just too cute. He's Christian, he's got the cd collection I have always wanted, he's smart, he's older, he pretty much just gets it.

That's all I want to say right now because A) You shouldn't be so nosy and B) I've been awake for too long and I'm ready for bedy...

Yeah that's right, bedy...what about it

Valentine's day...

Kobe's. Flowers. Bears. Bad movies.
Nothing better...

So tonight I shall commit to posting two blog entries, much to the dismay and/or delight of my 3 readers. One blog entry (this one) shall be a rant and one (the next one) shall be a rave. You choose which Louise you like best...

THE RANT:

I am tired of being made to feel small. I'm tired of being labeled "immature" "naive" or "stupid". It might be true that i am all of those things but good god people, don't you think I get that by now? My parents, my siblings and my aquaintences take time out of their precious life nearly every day to inform me of my inequities, and now my friends lodge an attack? Can't a girl catch a break?


Seriously, what do i have to do to prove myself to you people? (especially you "friend" types?) I have made every academic goal set before me, yet I'm still "stupid". I have gotten acollades in every business venture I have ever tried and yet I am still "incapable". I have lived my life with practically no help in rasing myself yet I can't shake the title of "immature". I smile and talk sweetly and work dilegently, yet I am a snob by many accounts.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know where to go from here. i can't try any harder. I don't know what else to do. What do you want from me? No one is the perfect daughter/friend/co-workers/person, so why would any one expect that of me? I try so hard to each the expectations of everyone around me and yet I am still called lazy and selfish and-- oh the list goes on, but if I continue I will also be able to count "whiny" among my many faults.

Could someone please just like me the way I am? Could someone lower the bar so that i could squeeze by? Just this once let me in. Let me be good enough. Just for a day can we pretend that I meet you expectations and that I am, at the very least, acceptable to you? I try so hard.. All I want is a nod. A simple recognition as a fellow and equal human being. You'll have to just compromise tonight and give it to me because honestly I have no idea how to earn it.

So I think that'll do...

Now for

THE RAVE:

I have a date. For the first time in a long while I have a real, legit, bone fide date with a man. This, for me, is very exciting. I am being taken out like a lady to a very nice restaraunt buy and very nice gentleman friend.... who will be henceforth referenced as Dave. ( I know, I know, but I'm running out of clever quips)

So yeah, that's all folks...

It was a beautiful day on the island. the winds were blowing softly westward, a sign of good, steady tropical weather. The tourists bustled about, angry that they had oversplet the sun, eager to begin their day. The merchants were putting out their goods in the market and setting up their stalls. Fresh pineapple and plumeria invaded the senses. The sun was warm to the touch and shining just right, set high above the red-brown foliage covered mountain sides. Someone was playing a ukelele on the corner with a straw basket out for collections. The smile on the Hilo Hattie tour guide shone out over the large ruffles of her well pressed muumuu.

As I walked along, I could tell I was nearing the ocean. The crowds rushed into a Denny's on the corner and I strolled right past, the only sustainace I sought was straight ahead, past a japanese resturaunt, down a tiny alley way, and ten paces west. Unfamiliar tourists don't know that the ocean on that side of the world is perfect all the time, most suspect it is too early for any enjoyment to be had out of the west city side of the island; I am as good as a native, I know her waters will never disapoint. I disapear into the alley and emerge in paradise. The concrete walls part to reveal a perfect rolling turquoise ocean and the most picture perfect view of Diamond Head, short of a 50 mile hike or helicopter. Something glitters on the farthest tip- A diamond? A precious jewel? Silly settlers of old, the mountain is the glittering. The Island is the diamond, strong, beautiful,perfect, immutable.

I walk over a bridge built up against the water. Again, two well-dressed tourists hurry past, dodging the crashing waves that send mini tidal waves over the side of the pedestrian crossing. I know that the water is warm and sweet, I almost ran to meet a wave and then, remembering the pledge I made to myself, I kept a steady pace. Steady like the breeze, steady like the ocean. I made it off of the 30 foot bridge and struck golden sand with the picks of my feet. More diamonds.

I walked slowly to the water, shoes in hand. Slowly, the Hawaiian sun never burns the sand. I dipped in and out of the water, continuing my eastward journey to the moutain. The huge, immovable, immutable, steady mountain. i walked and walked slowly for hours. the sun never set, the tourists never changed, and the mountain never came closer. i reached, and plodded and stretched my endurance to the point of exhaustion and still-- nothing. No change in the island, only a change in me. Only fear, despiration, perspiration, perserverance. I must continue. i must reach the--

And then I woke up. A strong wind blew at my door and with it, took all my drems of the island glamour. The sun hung out of my window, as weary as I, looking out over flat, cold, clouded lands. A light fog lifted as the day went on and a cold frost crept cautiously covering everything with cat like stealth. The air smelled of snow and hung like rain. The tourists changed into bussiness men-- suits, Buicks, and deadlines in tote, they rushed to miss the crashing of the rain. I now better though. No need to rush anywhere, it will all be the same unless it's Paradise.

OHHHHHHHH
i wanna go back to my little grass shack on Ke'LiKiLani
Where the palm trees sway and the dolphins play each and every day

I had a dream last night that I walked as far as i could walk on the Oahu shoreline, starting at Waikiki and stopping only because i hit the Diamond Head moutain.

I have to say, with all this cold weather and my generally down trodden mood lately, I wouldn't mind a walk on sandy beaches with an endless glittering turquoise ocean set before me and a mountain to walk towards while gentle tropical winds combed my hair...

Aloha...

In the morning when I wake up,
Before I put on my make up
I say a little prayer for you

Forever and ever you'll stay in my heart
And I will love you
Forever and ever we're never to part
Cause that would be heartbreak for me

You'll say we've got nothing in common
no common ground to start from
and we're falling apart
You'll say
The world has come between us
Our lives have come between us

Still I'll know you just don't care

Nice Touch.
Thats the word for the day. Nice Touch.

Ever notice that when you're down the hurt just keeps on coming? Ever notice that when you're heartbroken, that person finds their light?
Ever notice that when you're tired you end up having to do 10 times the expected amount?
Ever notice that when you're tested once, you're tested a million times?
Ever notice that no matter how hard you try you can never do as well as you would like?
Ever notice that everyone else has better parents/spouses/friends/bosses?
Ever notice that no one ever notices you?
Ever notice that when you're late you hit ever traffic light?

Ever notice that no matter how far down you are, you can still see God?
Ever notice that for every heartbreak He has suffered a million times more just for you to be in that moment?
Ever notice that Voice, that treacherous snake hissing in your ear, always dies away when you say His name?
Ever notice that when you need Him most, He has given you all?

I have.

So underneath my sign on for this blog the words "Tequila Mockingbird" caught my eye and I felt compelled to share with all of you that, believe it or not, contrayer to my present and inherent loquacity, i was actually a pretty dumb kid and I really did think that when I got to ninth grade that they were going to force me to read a book named "Tequila Mockingbird". My teacher got quite a laugh out of this when she asked us to do a pre-reading research on it and then write an essay about why we thought the book was controversial. I, being the slacker that i am, failed to do the pre-reading and subsiquently turned in a paper intitled: "Tequila Mockingbird: The Trouble with Boozing Birds."

While the preceeding story is not entirely true, (I'll allow you to pick and chose the parts you think are fancy and fact)my little anecdote is hopefully a colorful example of how words can cause so much darn trouble.

At any rate, that was not my initial vein of thought so let me digress. (Yes, vein.Often times thoughts have their own life therefore they are not as inanimate as a train, but rather pulsating, pumping, and pondering into their own existence or life support system, all depending on what is required of them.) So, to begin a new, to begin a new, such sweet bliss in creationism...

Now that i have talked myself right out of the original town my thoughts had built when I stared this blog more than twenty minutes ago, I shall now revert back to the thought I did manage to get down on the proverbial paper of the internetand that is this: words. "Over numbers, unencumbered and numbered words", as Jason Mraz might say about them. Words- Don't talk too much for it fosters sin. Be sensible and shut off the flow; As the poet of Psalms, David, might say to the effect of vocabulary.

Words- A sound or a combination of sounds, or its representation in writing or printing, that symbolizes and communicates a meaning and may consist of a single morpheme or of a combination of morphemes.

As some of you may know or chance to guess, I am close friends with the beast we call "language." In other WORDS, I have been known to talk too much, write too much, sign too much... Anything I can do to communicate... well anything that I feel is neccessary, beneficial or would simply fill the world with that much more thought. I was once asked by a former english teacher, "Miss. Louise," she said, "Do you have a limit you must hit everyday or is your loquacity simply a personal competition to see if you might top your own records of frivilous word usage???" (Again, this is a bit of a frabrication... the said teacher wasn't that eloquent...)

If you've been following along like studious little readers, I made a resolution not too long ago to limit my word usage. My "per capita quota" for each day as it were.(You all see how well that's going) I personally think that there is something fundamentally wrong with my plan to.. well, to shut up. The problem being that I am physically incapable of the task at hand. I just can't do it. I see you, don't you shake your head at me. It's true! It is impossible (not improbably, IMPOSSIBLE) for me to stop talking. To talk is to learn. to talk is to teach. To talk is to LIVE. I can't stop. I've got an eight pound motor made up of 75% water and 25% electricity and it just goes and grows and sows it's wild rambling thoughts all day long. If I didn't get it out somehow, I'd go comatose with all the thoughts just hanging around. Simply Coconuts!

You wouldn't want that to happen, now would you?

She grabs her magazines
She packs her things and she goes
She leaves the pictures hanging on the wall, she burns all
Her notes and she knows, she's been here too few years
To feel this old

He smokes his cigarette, he stays outside 'till it's gone
If anybody ever had a heart, he wouldn't be alone
He knows, she's been here too few years, to be gone

And we always say, it would be good to go away, someday
But if there's nothing there to make things change
If it's the same for you I'll just hang

The trouble understand, is she got reasons he don't
Funny how he couldn't see at all, 'til she grabbed up her coat
And she goes, she's been here too few years to take it all in stride
But still it's much too long, to let hurt go (you let her go)
And we always say, it would be good to go away, someday
But if there's nothing there to make things change
If it's the same for you I'll just hang
The same for you
I'll always hang
Well I always say, it would be good to go away
But if things don't work out like we think
And there's nothing there to ease this ache
But if there's nothing there to make things change
If it's the same for you, I'll just hang

I wish I could post on my forehead or other visibly prominent section of my epidermis :
"FRAGILE: HANDLE WITH CARE
...Please"

All my life I've been knocked down, pushed in the ground and kicked around. I can't tell you how many times I've been told I shouldn't have been born. How I've cried at yet another disapointing friendship coming to an unnecessary end. I've been emotionally trashed, psychologically toyed with, physically made to feel helpless and spiritually tormented- and that is just by the hands of my family members. Think of what a toll this cruel and unforgiving society has inflicted upon me.

And yet, people are still so careless. They enter my heart and soul like a drunk enters a car, uncarring and relaxed, content until the end with whatever damage they may cause.

And though I am fragile, I am built to be quite resilient. Like Job, I take everything the Devil can give me and still manage to trust my Lord, Savior and friend to still provide salvation no mater the damnation I see lurking around every corner and in the eyes of everyone I seem to meet.

Despite all of my resilency and vivacious determination, I have a message for the world:

Be kinder to your bastard children, your widows, your divorcees, your psychologically instable. Haven't they suffered enough at the hands of Lucifer? Do not allow you body to house the foreign Agents of Sin, that is don't whore yourself out to Demons. Control your malicious thoughts and abusive language towards me and all of the other travelers. Do no harm, forgetting those who have harmed you.

I'm lucky, God has given me strength. Don't count on others to recover so well. Why be like a disease, defeating and consuming, when you could be the bringer of Light and show fruits of the spirit towards those around you and help them out of their personal, living hell?

That's all.

So i just finished watching Momento with Guy Pearce and I have a thought I must record:

Perhaps i so often have thoughts that i must record because if I didn't then I would forget them and if I forgot them I would have nothing to live for.

And scene.

I have a thought; Maybe I should wade out of all of this arsty, indepth, prose-like commentary on virtually NOTHING and I should perhaps use this medium as an actual form of communication. I don't know when my views of life became "deep" and "meaningful", but I have to say, I am begining to detest how much I end up whining on this thing. It's just so easy to assume that there is someone reading it that understands then it is to try and get all of this introspection out in speech. I guess everyone needs there outlets, but my goal for this new year is to change EVERYTHING about myself. I want to be quieter and more meaningful in person; Less like an excitable, but oh-so-loveable DOG and more like a tolerable human being. I guess that would involve forcing myself to stop thinking that every thought I have is worth sharing; Hence my attempts to cancel this here blog. But, since I haven't quite reached that level of self-sufficiency and contentment, I will simply entertain myself and write about how I wish I could stop writing. I will fill your mind with foreign thoughts and not think twice about it because it's what I do.

I could go on, I could talk about the weather and the joys of being snowed in, i could talk about my financial situation, I could talk about moving out of my parents house, I could even talk about driver's ed. But I can't bring myself to use words like they're disposable. I can't stand to not have the mean something. So it looks as though my only option is just to stop.

I wish my mom would have been the kind of Mom that fixed everything.

I wish just once I would have had the luxery of hearing "it's ok, it's ok, I'll fix it, don't worry..."

But I got a working mom.

I got an old, tired, poor, lonely, self-serving, been-there-done-that mother. I got fed formula by a babysitter and played with my brothers 13 year old hand me down toys instead of getting new Barbies and the subsequent acessories. Instead of interactive family play time and on the button 6PM family dinners, I got a television and a mickey mouse peanut-butter and jelly sandwich maker.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mom for all it's worth. I loved playing dress up in her clothes, I loved being carted around when she went on lunch dates with her girlfriends, I even loved going to work with her. But I would have prefered, instead of being groomed to be an old bitter, single mom, a chance to be a daughter. A chance to grow up under the protective wing of an overbearing, lovingly rebuking mother figure.

Instead, I'm a responsible adult who never grew up. I have a job, but no car because i was never taught to drive, I was only driven. I am self-sufficient, but completly dependant on that fact. i ahve no one and thats how I like it, because if i had someone I wouldn't be able to depend on the consistency of loneliness. I am an under-achieving genius because there is nothing to achieve. No boundaries were ever set to test, no expectations ever enforced. I have no goal to rebel against my parental unit, nor no drive to exceed the limitations placed on me by her expectations. I want to do well, but i am comfortable with not even existing. With never impacting the world around me. I have accomplished somethings, but nothing for anyone to notice because there's no one there to notice. With no reason to be and no one there to clean up after my mistakes, there is no reason for me to be and no reason for me not to be.

I am undone with no direction on how to be completed.
Like a puzzle with no final eding picture, such is a parentless child

So I haven't written in a while and verily I say unto thee, this may be my last blog entry ever.

Now I know I have a few loyal fans, but I also know how extremly boring my life is and how little evern those "fans" really care. I just wanted to say thanks for reading and coming along on this crazy journey. Through all the Mr's and heartbreaks and joy, this blog has been a constant and now I leave it to enjoy something more fleeting but exponentially more precious: Life. I have one piece of advice for everyone absorbing this and that is that you should Live. Don't just exist. Affect people, change the world, make a difference. We are meant to have impacting lives. So Live.

Until I change my mind_
A Bien tot
Louise

JOE: hey, i wanted to leave a comment on ur blog but i have to sign up and all that crap and i dont feel like doing that, so here it is: I dont think that the reason alot of your friends that are now going to college have lost touch with you is because of them being full of themselves or any kind of egotistical attitude they may posses.

JOE: ive lost touch with about 3 of my best friends, and sometimes i really just dont have any explanation for it but i can atleast tell you my theory on the loss of communication between recently-distanced friends. I just think its like you said earlier in the entry, "everyone comes to a point in there lives at which they realize that they hate their major, prospective jobs and their new friend and new identity" but in this case its occuring during an important part of their lives, where alot of things change and usually alot of people change along with their lifestyles.

JOE: and sometimes those people just cant be motivated towards kindling those old friendships anymore, because there life is so different now, it could almost be possible that meeting for the first time with that person after this change in their lives wouldnt result in any friendship at all. Ok, well i know that was a ton of shit to say at once but i guess i get my really long and exhaustive blog commenting habits from brandon :-P

JOE: lol sorry

thebadgummybear: thats ok
thebadgummybear: and I understand, my life is different too
thebadgummybear: but my collegiate friends think I'm wasting away to nothing and they're becoming presumptious pious images of their former selves and it hurts

JOE: you've gotten alot more like... i guess talented with your wording, have you been reading more or something?

thebadgummybear: no I've always been this genius, no one's ever listened
thebadgummybear: lol
JOE: i dont think your wasting your life, but like ive seen, in this society we live it, its expected by so many people to go off to some magical career or college right after school is over, and some people cant accept when someone doesnt take that route
JOE: no ive listened, but im having flashbacks to ms browns class with all the dignified vocab
thebadgummybear: I know! all these expectations! I can't take the pressure of modern civilization
JOE: its like, you have always spoken clearly, but now when you choose words, it seems you choose the ones that have the most... influence
JOE: lol
thebadgummybear: I like you
thebadgummybear: you're a smart kid
thebadgummybear: lol
JOE: we're both smart kids
JOE: and we should have a little pride in that, its healthy
thebadgummybear: I do have pride, I think thats why, in that rant atleast, I was so vehement about telling everyone off
thebadgummybear: I'm still intelligent and intellectually fruitful, even though I'm not getting any "education"
JOE: lol yea i can really get like that sometimes too, but for me, its like when i get emotional, my emotions just ride on the words i use and i can say alot more than i mean to, or in a much harsher manner than is needed to stress my point

JOE: yea for me, my education is more of a review of everything ive already learned in highschool

thebadgummybear: I get more verbose the more aggrivated I am
JOE: haha same here
thebadgummybear: thats why people are afraid to fight me, I pull out words that have proverbial dust on them, they're so infrequently spewn
thebadgummybear: that scares a good many "intellectuals" into hiding
thebadgummybear: i love being a smart provacator


see? I'm still a friggin' genius. NA NA NA NA NA NA! (RASPBERRY)

Fall is here, hear the yell
back to school, ring the bell
brand new shoes, walking blues
climb the fence, books and pens
I can tell that we're going to be friends
Walk with me, Robbie D
through the park and by the tree
we will rest upon the ground
and look at all the bugs we found
safely walk to school without a sound
safely walk to school without a sound
Here we are, no one else
we walked to school all by ourselves
there's dirt on our uniforms
from chasing all the ants and worms
we clean up and now its time to learn
we clean up and now its time to learn
Numbers, letters, learn to spell
nouns, and books, and show and tell
at playtime we will throw the ball
back to class, through the hall
teacher marks our height against the wall
teacher marks our height against the wall
We don't notice any time pass
we don't notice anything
we sit side by side in every class
teacher thinks that I sound funny
but she likes the way you sing
Tonight I'll dream while in my bed
when silly thoughts go through my head
about the bugs and alphabet
and when I wake tommorow I'll bet
that you and I will walk together again
I can tell that we're going to be friends

"I made a new friend..."
"Real or Imaginary?"

Thank God for the White Stripes and Donnie Darko to define my newest friendship with a certain Mr.Bunny... Well not classically, but he's a new version. Mr.Bunny Nuveux....

Hello you. It's me again. I don't know what you think you're doing here- why you think you're welcome- but nonetheless you're here again. Right on time, early even.

Oh, I'm sorry, who is that? That is a little friend i like to call Birthday Blues-a.

Why I would ever expect ol' blue to miss our annual date, I couldn't say, I suppose I was figuring on being stronger than I really am. I suppose i thought I could just ignore it, just wish it away. But no, I have been beaten. As always I'm down for the count, this time in the 18th round.

What are birthday blues you ask? Truly lost and lonely souls might understand, but I will try to convey the purpose and painfulness of the birthday blues to you regular folk as well.

Birthday blues are a perfect blend of "poor me" and "when will this life be over?" The blues over-shadow every fear you may have had through the long and arduous past 365 days. All the doubt, sadness, disillutionment, pain, strife, and general ickiness you have ever felt in your life tags along with the blues, and let me tell you those are the most unwelcome guests ever.

Why oh why would someone ever have these dreaded blues you ask? When you come to the realization that you should have never been born, that everyone around you dispises your very creatioin and blames the whole natural fiasco of your birth on you, when the man who is resposible for half of your genetic make-up won't acknowledge your existence, even for a brief moment of his immature, self absorbed time, when you have no one with which to share all of your fears, doubts and qualms with life in general because you're too busy worrying about being acceptable and pleasing to them and making sure that they don't leave you alone and a-lonely like everyone else has mannaged to do, then, and only then you can know that you have met the Abominable Blues head on.

I am not trying to be melo-dramatic with this whole thing. I'm just trying to be real. I am trying to save the one shread of humanity I feel I possess from slipping away. I am trying to preserve my life; not my existence, but the very reason I breath at all from disapearing from the record books altogether.

I have a great joy in knowing that God is my Father, my Creator, and the Lover of My Soul.
But the Devil always gets me with these damned Birthday Blues.