It was a beautiful day on the island. the winds were blowing softly westward, a sign of good, steady tropical weather. The tourists bustled about, angry that they had oversplet the sun, eager to begin their day. The merchants were putting out their goods in the market and setting up their stalls. Fresh pineapple and plumeria invaded the senses. The sun was warm to the touch and shining just right, set high above the red-brown foliage covered mountain sides. Someone was playing a ukelele on the corner with a straw basket out for collections. The smile on the Hilo Hattie tour guide shone out over the large ruffles of her well pressed muumuu.

As I walked along, I could tell I was nearing the ocean. The crowds rushed into a Denny's on the corner and I strolled right past, the only sustainace I sought was straight ahead, past a japanese resturaunt, down a tiny alley way, and ten paces west. Unfamiliar tourists don't know that the ocean on that side of the world is perfect all the time, most suspect it is too early for any enjoyment to be had out of the west city side of the island; I am as good as a native, I know her waters will never disapoint. I disapear into the alley and emerge in paradise. The concrete walls part to reveal a perfect rolling turquoise ocean and the most picture perfect view of Diamond Head, short of a 50 mile hike or helicopter. Something glitters on the farthest tip- A diamond? A precious jewel? Silly settlers of old, the mountain is the glittering. The Island is the diamond, strong, beautiful,perfect, immutable.

I walk over a bridge built up against the water. Again, two well-dressed tourists hurry past, dodging the crashing waves that send mini tidal waves over the side of the pedestrian crossing. I know that the water is warm and sweet, I almost ran to meet a wave and then, remembering the pledge I made to myself, I kept a steady pace. Steady like the breeze, steady like the ocean. I made it off of the 30 foot bridge and struck golden sand with the picks of my feet. More diamonds.

I walked slowly to the water, shoes in hand. Slowly, the Hawaiian sun never burns the sand. I dipped in and out of the water, continuing my eastward journey to the moutain. The huge, immovable, immutable, steady mountain. i walked and walked slowly for hours. the sun never set, the tourists never changed, and the mountain never came closer. i reached, and plodded and stretched my endurance to the point of exhaustion and still-- nothing. No change in the island, only a change in me. Only fear, despiration, perspiration, perserverance. I must continue. i must reach the--

And then I woke up. A strong wind blew at my door and with it, took all my drems of the island glamour. The sun hung out of my window, as weary as I, looking out over flat, cold, clouded lands. A light fog lifted as the day went on and a cold frost crept cautiously covering everything with cat like stealth. The air smelled of snow and hung like rain. The tourists changed into bussiness men-- suits, Buicks, and deadlines in tote, they rushed to miss the crashing of the rain. I now better though. No need to rush anywhere, it will all be the same unless it's Paradise.

OHHHHHHHH
i wanna go back to my little grass shack on Ke'LiKiLani
Where the palm trees sway and the dolphins play each and every day

I had a dream last night that I walked as far as i could walk on the Oahu shoreline, starting at Waikiki and stopping only because i hit the Diamond Head moutain.

I have to say, with all this cold weather and my generally down trodden mood lately, I wouldn't mind a walk on sandy beaches with an endless glittering turquoise ocean set before me and a mountain to walk towards while gentle tropical winds combed my hair...

Aloha...

In the morning when I wake up,
Before I put on my make up
I say a little prayer for you

Forever and ever you'll stay in my heart
And I will love you
Forever and ever we're never to part
Cause that would be heartbreak for me

You'll say we've got nothing in common
no common ground to start from
and we're falling apart
You'll say
The world has come between us
Our lives have come between us

Still I'll know you just don't care

Nice Touch.
Thats the word for the day. Nice Touch.

Ever notice that when you're down the hurt just keeps on coming? Ever notice that when you're heartbroken, that person finds their light?
Ever notice that when you're tired you end up having to do 10 times the expected amount?
Ever notice that when you're tested once, you're tested a million times?
Ever notice that no matter how hard you try you can never do as well as you would like?
Ever notice that everyone else has better parents/spouses/friends/bosses?
Ever notice that no one ever notices you?
Ever notice that when you're late you hit ever traffic light?

Ever notice that no matter how far down you are, you can still see God?
Ever notice that for every heartbreak He has suffered a million times more just for you to be in that moment?
Ever notice that Voice, that treacherous snake hissing in your ear, always dies away when you say His name?
Ever notice that when you need Him most, He has given you all?

I have.

So underneath my sign on for this blog the words "Tequila Mockingbird" caught my eye and I felt compelled to share with all of you that, believe it or not, contrayer to my present and inherent loquacity, i was actually a pretty dumb kid and I really did think that when I got to ninth grade that they were going to force me to read a book named "Tequila Mockingbird". My teacher got quite a laugh out of this when she asked us to do a pre-reading research on it and then write an essay about why we thought the book was controversial. I, being the slacker that i am, failed to do the pre-reading and subsiquently turned in a paper intitled: "Tequila Mockingbird: The Trouble with Boozing Birds."

While the preceeding story is not entirely true, (I'll allow you to pick and chose the parts you think are fancy and fact)my little anecdote is hopefully a colorful example of how words can cause so much darn trouble.

At any rate, that was not my initial vein of thought so let me digress. (Yes, vein.Often times thoughts have their own life therefore they are not as inanimate as a train, but rather pulsating, pumping, and pondering into their own existence or life support system, all depending on what is required of them.) So, to begin a new, to begin a new, such sweet bliss in creationism...

Now that i have talked myself right out of the original town my thoughts had built when I stared this blog more than twenty minutes ago, I shall now revert back to the thought I did manage to get down on the proverbial paper of the internetand that is this: words. "Over numbers, unencumbered and numbered words", as Jason Mraz might say about them. Words- Don't talk too much for it fosters sin. Be sensible and shut off the flow; As the poet of Psalms, David, might say to the effect of vocabulary.

Words- A sound or a combination of sounds, or its representation in writing or printing, that symbolizes and communicates a meaning and may consist of a single morpheme or of a combination of morphemes.

As some of you may know or chance to guess, I am close friends with the beast we call "language." In other WORDS, I have been known to talk too much, write too much, sign too much... Anything I can do to communicate... well anything that I feel is neccessary, beneficial or would simply fill the world with that much more thought. I was once asked by a former english teacher, "Miss. Louise," she said, "Do you have a limit you must hit everyday or is your loquacity simply a personal competition to see if you might top your own records of frivilous word usage???" (Again, this is a bit of a frabrication... the said teacher wasn't that eloquent...)

If you've been following along like studious little readers, I made a resolution not too long ago to limit my word usage. My "per capita quota" for each day as it were.(You all see how well that's going) I personally think that there is something fundamentally wrong with my plan to.. well, to shut up. The problem being that I am physically incapable of the task at hand. I just can't do it. I see you, don't you shake your head at me. It's true! It is impossible (not improbably, IMPOSSIBLE) for me to stop talking. To talk is to learn. to talk is to teach. To talk is to LIVE. I can't stop. I've got an eight pound motor made up of 75% water and 25% electricity and it just goes and grows and sows it's wild rambling thoughts all day long. If I didn't get it out somehow, I'd go comatose with all the thoughts just hanging around. Simply Coconuts!

You wouldn't want that to happen, now would you?

She grabs her magazines
She packs her things and she goes
She leaves the pictures hanging on the wall, she burns all
Her notes and she knows, she's been here too few years
To feel this old

He smokes his cigarette, he stays outside 'till it's gone
If anybody ever had a heart, he wouldn't be alone
He knows, she's been here too few years, to be gone

And we always say, it would be good to go away, someday
But if there's nothing there to make things change
If it's the same for you I'll just hang

The trouble understand, is she got reasons he don't
Funny how he couldn't see at all, 'til she grabbed up her coat
And she goes, she's been here too few years to take it all in stride
But still it's much too long, to let hurt go (you let her go)
And we always say, it would be good to go away, someday
But if there's nothing there to make things change
If it's the same for you I'll just hang
The same for you
I'll always hang
Well I always say, it would be good to go away
But if things don't work out like we think
And there's nothing there to ease this ache
But if there's nothing there to make things change
If it's the same for you, I'll just hang

I wish I could post on my forehead or other visibly prominent section of my epidermis :
"FRAGILE: HANDLE WITH CARE
...Please"

All my life I've been knocked down, pushed in the ground and kicked around. I can't tell you how many times I've been told I shouldn't have been born. How I've cried at yet another disapointing friendship coming to an unnecessary end. I've been emotionally trashed, psychologically toyed with, physically made to feel helpless and spiritually tormented- and that is just by the hands of my family members. Think of what a toll this cruel and unforgiving society has inflicted upon me.

And yet, people are still so careless. They enter my heart and soul like a drunk enters a car, uncarring and relaxed, content until the end with whatever damage they may cause.

And though I am fragile, I am built to be quite resilient. Like Job, I take everything the Devil can give me and still manage to trust my Lord, Savior and friend to still provide salvation no mater the damnation I see lurking around every corner and in the eyes of everyone I seem to meet.

Despite all of my resilency and vivacious determination, I have a message for the world:

Be kinder to your bastard children, your widows, your divorcees, your psychologically instable. Haven't they suffered enough at the hands of Lucifer? Do not allow you body to house the foreign Agents of Sin, that is don't whore yourself out to Demons. Control your malicious thoughts and abusive language towards me and all of the other travelers. Do no harm, forgetting those who have harmed you.

I'm lucky, God has given me strength. Don't count on others to recover so well. Why be like a disease, defeating and consuming, when you could be the bringer of Light and show fruits of the spirit towards those around you and help them out of their personal, living hell?

That's all.

So i just finished watching Momento with Guy Pearce and I have a thought I must record:

Perhaps i so often have thoughts that i must record because if I didn't then I would forget them and if I forgot them I would have nothing to live for.

And scene.

I have a thought; Maybe I should wade out of all of this arsty, indepth, prose-like commentary on virtually NOTHING and I should perhaps use this medium as an actual form of communication. I don't know when my views of life became "deep" and "meaningful", but I have to say, I am begining to detest how much I end up whining on this thing. It's just so easy to assume that there is someone reading it that understands then it is to try and get all of this introspection out in speech. I guess everyone needs there outlets, but my goal for this new year is to change EVERYTHING about myself. I want to be quieter and more meaningful in person; Less like an excitable, but oh-so-loveable DOG and more like a tolerable human being. I guess that would involve forcing myself to stop thinking that every thought I have is worth sharing; Hence my attempts to cancel this here blog. But, since I haven't quite reached that level of self-sufficiency and contentment, I will simply entertain myself and write about how I wish I could stop writing. I will fill your mind with foreign thoughts and not think twice about it because it's what I do.

I could go on, I could talk about the weather and the joys of being snowed in, i could talk about my financial situation, I could talk about moving out of my parents house, I could even talk about driver's ed. But I can't bring myself to use words like they're disposable. I can't stand to not have the mean something. So it looks as though my only option is just to stop.

I wish my mom would have been the kind of Mom that fixed everything.

I wish just once I would have had the luxery of hearing "it's ok, it's ok, I'll fix it, don't worry..."

But I got a working mom.

I got an old, tired, poor, lonely, self-serving, been-there-done-that mother. I got fed formula by a babysitter and played with my brothers 13 year old hand me down toys instead of getting new Barbies and the subsequent acessories. Instead of interactive family play time and on the button 6PM family dinners, I got a television and a mickey mouse peanut-butter and jelly sandwich maker.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mom for all it's worth. I loved playing dress up in her clothes, I loved being carted around when she went on lunch dates with her girlfriends, I even loved going to work with her. But I would have prefered, instead of being groomed to be an old bitter, single mom, a chance to be a daughter. A chance to grow up under the protective wing of an overbearing, lovingly rebuking mother figure.

Instead, I'm a responsible adult who never grew up. I have a job, but no car because i was never taught to drive, I was only driven. I am self-sufficient, but completly dependant on that fact. i ahve no one and thats how I like it, because if i had someone I wouldn't be able to depend on the consistency of loneliness. I am an under-achieving genius because there is nothing to achieve. No boundaries were ever set to test, no expectations ever enforced. I have no goal to rebel against my parental unit, nor no drive to exceed the limitations placed on me by her expectations. I want to do well, but i am comfortable with not even existing. With never impacting the world around me. I have accomplished somethings, but nothing for anyone to notice because there's no one there to notice. With no reason to be and no one there to clean up after my mistakes, there is no reason for me to be and no reason for me not to be.

I am undone with no direction on how to be completed.
Like a puzzle with no final eding picture, such is a parentless child

So I haven't written in a while and verily I say unto thee, this may be my last blog entry ever.

Now I know I have a few loyal fans, but I also know how extremly boring my life is and how little evern those "fans" really care. I just wanted to say thanks for reading and coming along on this crazy journey. Through all the Mr's and heartbreaks and joy, this blog has been a constant and now I leave it to enjoy something more fleeting but exponentially more precious: Life. I have one piece of advice for everyone absorbing this and that is that you should Live. Don't just exist. Affect people, change the world, make a difference. We are meant to have impacting lives. So Live.

Until I change my mind_
A Bien tot
Louise

JOE: hey, i wanted to leave a comment on ur blog but i have to sign up and all that crap and i dont feel like doing that, so here it is: I dont think that the reason alot of your friends that are now going to college have lost touch with you is because of them being full of themselves or any kind of egotistical attitude they may posses.

JOE: ive lost touch with about 3 of my best friends, and sometimes i really just dont have any explanation for it but i can atleast tell you my theory on the loss of communication between recently-distanced friends. I just think its like you said earlier in the entry, "everyone comes to a point in there lives at which they realize that they hate their major, prospective jobs and their new friend and new identity" but in this case its occuring during an important part of their lives, where alot of things change and usually alot of people change along with their lifestyles.

JOE: and sometimes those people just cant be motivated towards kindling those old friendships anymore, because there life is so different now, it could almost be possible that meeting for the first time with that person after this change in their lives wouldnt result in any friendship at all. Ok, well i know that was a ton of shit to say at once but i guess i get my really long and exhaustive blog commenting habits from brandon :-P

JOE: lol sorry

thebadgummybear: thats ok
thebadgummybear: and I understand, my life is different too
thebadgummybear: but my collegiate friends think I'm wasting away to nothing and they're becoming presumptious pious images of their former selves and it hurts

JOE: you've gotten alot more like... i guess talented with your wording, have you been reading more or something?

thebadgummybear: no I've always been this genius, no one's ever listened
thebadgummybear: lol
JOE: i dont think your wasting your life, but like ive seen, in this society we live it, its expected by so many people to go off to some magical career or college right after school is over, and some people cant accept when someone doesnt take that route
JOE: no ive listened, but im having flashbacks to ms browns class with all the dignified vocab
thebadgummybear: I know! all these expectations! I can't take the pressure of modern civilization
JOE: its like, you have always spoken clearly, but now when you choose words, it seems you choose the ones that have the most... influence
JOE: lol
thebadgummybear: I like you
thebadgummybear: you're a smart kid
thebadgummybear: lol
JOE: we're both smart kids
JOE: and we should have a little pride in that, its healthy
thebadgummybear: I do have pride, I think thats why, in that rant atleast, I was so vehement about telling everyone off
thebadgummybear: I'm still intelligent and intellectually fruitful, even though I'm not getting any "education"
JOE: lol yea i can really get like that sometimes too, but for me, its like when i get emotional, my emotions just ride on the words i use and i can say alot more than i mean to, or in a much harsher manner than is needed to stress my point

JOE: yea for me, my education is more of a review of everything ive already learned in highschool

thebadgummybear: I get more verbose the more aggrivated I am
JOE: haha same here
thebadgummybear: thats why people are afraid to fight me, I pull out words that have proverbial dust on them, they're so infrequently spewn
thebadgummybear: that scares a good many "intellectuals" into hiding
thebadgummybear: i love being a smart provacator


see? I'm still a friggin' genius. NA NA NA NA NA NA! (RASPBERRY)

Fall is here, hear the yell
back to school, ring the bell
brand new shoes, walking blues
climb the fence, books and pens
I can tell that we're going to be friends
Walk with me, Robbie D
through the park and by the tree
we will rest upon the ground
and look at all the bugs we found
safely walk to school without a sound
safely walk to school without a sound
Here we are, no one else
we walked to school all by ourselves
there's dirt on our uniforms
from chasing all the ants and worms
we clean up and now its time to learn
we clean up and now its time to learn
Numbers, letters, learn to spell
nouns, and books, and show and tell
at playtime we will throw the ball
back to class, through the hall
teacher marks our height against the wall
teacher marks our height against the wall
We don't notice any time pass
we don't notice anything
we sit side by side in every class
teacher thinks that I sound funny
but she likes the way you sing
Tonight I'll dream while in my bed
when silly thoughts go through my head
about the bugs and alphabet
and when I wake tommorow I'll bet
that you and I will walk together again
I can tell that we're going to be friends

"I made a new friend..."
"Real or Imaginary?"

Thank God for the White Stripes and Donnie Darko to define my newest friendship with a certain Mr.Bunny... Well not classically, but he's a new version. Mr.Bunny Nuveux....

Hello you. It's me again. I don't know what you think you're doing here- why you think you're welcome- but nonetheless you're here again. Right on time, early even.

Oh, I'm sorry, who is that? That is a little friend i like to call Birthday Blues-a.

Why I would ever expect ol' blue to miss our annual date, I couldn't say, I suppose I was figuring on being stronger than I really am. I suppose i thought I could just ignore it, just wish it away. But no, I have been beaten. As always I'm down for the count, this time in the 18th round.

What are birthday blues you ask? Truly lost and lonely souls might understand, but I will try to convey the purpose and painfulness of the birthday blues to you regular folk as well.

Birthday blues are a perfect blend of "poor me" and "when will this life be over?" The blues over-shadow every fear you may have had through the long and arduous past 365 days. All the doubt, sadness, disillutionment, pain, strife, and general ickiness you have ever felt in your life tags along with the blues, and let me tell you those are the most unwelcome guests ever.

Why oh why would someone ever have these dreaded blues you ask? When you come to the realization that you should have never been born, that everyone around you dispises your very creatioin and blames the whole natural fiasco of your birth on you, when the man who is resposible for half of your genetic make-up won't acknowledge your existence, even for a brief moment of his immature, self absorbed time, when you have no one with which to share all of your fears, doubts and qualms with life in general because you're too busy worrying about being acceptable and pleasing to them and making sure that they don't leave you alone and a-lonely like everyone else has mannaged to do, then, and only then you can know that you have met the Abominable Blues head on.

I am not trying to be melo-dramatic with this whole thing. I'm just trying to be real. I am trying to save the one shread of humanity I feel I possess from slipping away. I am trying to preserve my life; not my existence, but the very reason I breath at all from disapearing from the record books altogether.

I have a great joy in knowing that God is my Father, my Creator, and the Lover of My Soul.
But the Devil always gets me with these damned Birthday Blues.

I just read my last post and I have to say, I crack me up.

I think everyone comes to a point in there lives at which they realize that they hate their major, prospective jobs and their new friend and new identity and they wish they could go back and make every decision that lead them to that point all over again. Well, I have skipped that whole mistake in my life rather effectively and I honestly think that that is why all of my collegiate "acquiantences" have so vehemently discontinued contact with me. Understand, I feel no malicious angst against you, only you actions... or unactions. Yes, your inability to answer a letter appals me, but I still wrote it and I still care. There is time to redeem yourselves, if you only would listen to your gut. Get over yourselves. You will not be any better than I am when you hold you PhD in Philosophy and are working in retail. You will not be any more succesful than I will just by the default of your title because you will still be uncultured, prideful dolts. but I still love you. I just hate the way you don't still love me.

A FRIENDLY NOTE TO ALL MY ASSOCIATES IN COLLEGE:

I am not dead. I do still exist even though it may seem impossible; what with my non-impacting lifestyle and all. I have not changed my name, I have not started smoking pot or having sex, and I still enjoy intelligent life forms. Please don't think that just because I'm not paying exorbenant fees at a beurocratic institute for textbook knowledge and brief over views of world philosophies that I am any less educated than yourself. Please don't entertain the thought of me, sitting on my proverbial tuffet, wondering what to do with myself now that I have no life, comparably speaking. Don't let your mind be fooled or your hearts be troubled, I am hard at work at my four self-educating jobs and with my sitcom "loser" townie friends. When I contact you, it is not because i am bored, lonely, depressed or even free to actually conversate. It simply is an olive branch that I choose to extend to you dorm room quadratist, an offering of peace and continuing friendship even though I am exhausted, frustrated and busier than a Harvard grad during the writing of their dissertation. If you should feel so disinclined as to not conversate in return, please don't use the excuse of homework, school or your new social lives to cover up. Simply say you would not like to speak to me. Don't act like you don't know me, or worse that you can spare a moment but thats all because you have to rush off to your self-important, pompous, pious, pretentious philosophy course or science study- group. The fact is, I was only trying to be a good person, there is no need for condecension, rudeness, or any form of malicious ignorance. If you would like a friend in someone as loyal as myself when you arrive home, simply respond to the 27 letters, 10 emails, and 738 text messages and instant messages that I have stretched and scheduled to send you.

A friendly reminder from your local townie in "i'm too busy but i haven't forgotten how to sustain true and connecting relationships," Maryland.

WELL WE'RE OUT OF CAKE!!

Atleast thats how I feel...

How come the two loves of my life, the only two people I can hoestly say "J'aime avec tout de mon couer" (for those of you who don't speak frech, that's sickeningly sappy) either A.) want to ruin my life or B.) can't remember my first name???

Mr.Heartbreaker insists that I am only pretty enough when he's smashed and when Mr.Hamster is in town he gives me the " Heyyyyy, You!..." face. How can you tell me you love me once upon a time and then FORGET ME?

It's Louise by the way... Louise McLoserson....

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MEN?

I seriously think guys have a radar as to when I actually like them. It goes off and they run away. "WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO WATCH OUT! CRAZY MCCRAZERSON DIGS YOU" The only time its safe for them to come near me is when I have no toleration orfondness for them at all.

Being a nun is quickly becoming more and more attractive. The whole cellebacy thing is in the bag.

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD UGH....

Ok, I am a grade a, class one moron!

WHY WHY WHY am I in love with him again? WHY WHY WHY can't I just move on!? WHY WHY WHY WHEN THERE IS NO LOGICAL REASON ON GODS GREEN EARTH DO I MELT AT HIS EVERY TOUCH-- HIS EVERY GLANCE?

I think I will never get over you, Mr. Heartbreaker. My my my what is there to do...

Dear Mr. Heartbreaker:

I am sorry.
I know I hurt you and I wish I could say in all honesty that I didn't mean to, but unfortunatly for you, I did. I made you believe I loved you (which wasn't hard to do because i do love you) and I promised you the world just so I could rip it out from underneath you.

I just couldn't help myself.

If I could plead insanity I would, but I have no one to blame but myself. I cracked under pressure. His words resounded in my head as if it were a 50 foot cavern "I'm done with this." He told me he loved me and he made me believe a world of lies and then he told me I was too immature and stupid and how could I have ever believed that someone as perfect as he was could love someone as flawed as I am?

I had to get back at him. But how?

I devised a plan so decietful, so monstrous, so absurd.

I decided to fall in love. To fall in love with you and to make you fall in love with me and to embarass him. Or to slander him. Or just to get his attention. But, alas, he was impervious. Inattentive. Untouchable.

time for Plan B: I had to make him fall in love with me and pull the same earth shattering ditch on him, claiming I never loved him and ruining his reality.

But the only one close enough was you. You were the only one in sight when I devised my plan so instead of being contented with loving the one man who knew me inside and out, instead of loving you like there were no tomorrow and like I'd never been hurt before- I crushed you. I smashed your belief that I actually loved you, I lied and told you I was done with you.

Now here I am, broken heart in hand, and no one to blame. No where to run. And nothing left.

I should have just loved you. I should ave just accepted who I am and who I was and loved you as best I could.

But I didn't.

I do love you.
And I am sorry.
And there's no one to blame.
Perhaps, just perhaps I am immature...
-Ms. Heartbreaker

ME: ugh Mr.Heartbreaker what are we going to do with me?


Yeah, sometimes the very things I feel make me feel like a fool...

oh lord...

My deja vu...

Country line dancing and Mr. Heartbreaker.

And no I'm not talking about ways I might plot to kill him, nor am I planning a global takover or any other catostrophic event. I am simply relaying to you, most dear and faithful reader, the events of friday night/ saturday morning that make me feel as if I have a slight chance at a thriving social life. Slight, and at that slighty twisted. What am I doing talking to him again? what am I doing hanging out with Mr. "Draw you in with one glance?" perhaps because I am a class A-moron. Or maybe cause he's not such a bad guy.

Who knows...

Mr. Paramour (I cringe everytime I use that word) didn't pass his ASVAB test. I feel like I should help him study or something, but I'm just not allowed. It always seems as though I am compelled to be compassionate towards the wrong people. I had great compassion for Mr. Hampster when his grandmother was sick and look what all that got me-- a whole lotta hurt and an "I'm stuck here no matter what" mantra. What to do What to do??? I think, from now on, it's cut throat policy for me. No one matters but me. Not even the Queen of Denmark...

Sometimes, people who go should just stay gone.

Mr. Hampster came back to town this weekend. He was actually acting like he knew me, which is par for the course when he wants something like two weeks ago when he needed shoes, but this week it just seemed like niceness. I didn't know whether to kick him, cry, or laugh with him and talk about the last three months when we didn't talk about anything. I have so muchI want to tell him and so much I want to talk about and I just haven't been allowed to. I'm not mad, or else I would have kicked him, and I'm not sad or else I would have cried. I just miss him. I miss my best friend. Forever's not too long to be just friends if thats all we were meant to be and I learned that too late. I just want to know what his roomate is like and who he misses most and if he's unpacked and what classes he's taking and who he hangs out with and just everything that's nothing to anyone else. I just want to smell him. And poke him. And laugh at him. God, why does everything have to bee so messed up! Why did we have to ruin this? Why did we ever have to even do this? I don't miss him, I don't hate him, I don't feel bitter, I just-- I just want what was ours to be ours again. I just want to love him and to not be able to say it but to show it and to feel it and to have it.

Some people just stay gone.

PS
Mr.Geri (aka Mr.I'm going to string you along until you think I actually like you then drop you faster than a sack of rotting potatoes and send you home to your mommy) is back in town (twice in one month, what the hell.) Needless to say, this probably won't be anything big, but if my life were actually a soap opera with a team of writers plotting my every move, this could land me pregnant and drunk (or visa versa... whatever...)

Wow... good times...

So high school is officially over at my friend brit-toe-knee has indefinitely pointed out to me. College has started and NO ONE, no, not NO ONE cares about anyone anymore.

I made the mistake of thinking that atleast SOME people might stick around. SILLY ME thinking that my BEST FRIEND of four years might JUST MIGHT not fall off the face of the earth. SILLY ME, thinking that when Mr. FutureMillionaire said that he still had feelings for me that HE MEANT IT and that it actually carried some weight. WHY WOULD I THINK LIKE THAT? Why would I make such an insane estimate of careless, meaningless POINTLESS words? Why would I expect my CLOSEST FRIEND to forgive me and want to be with me like he said he would? I should have never even thought that he might talk to me again. I should have known that he would disappear. THAT'S JUST HOW LIFE IS after high school...

So much for men I guess. Even my "always there never fear I'll catch you when you fall" man has faded in the storm. I guess that's just how it is.

Wow, crumbled cookies are so RIDICULOUS.

I haven't actually written much in the way of substance lately. I guess the only reason for that is my hectic schedule, my two week tropical vacation and the fact that I have talked it all out of me. Yes, talked intelligently and at length with the one, the only, the nearly married Mr.Paramour. (I told you this was getting interesting.) He got mad at me today because I lied to my mom about being out with him. (She says I don't know what I'm getting myself into- obviously not because I didn't know I was getting into anything...) I got mad at him because he lied to his fiance about being out with me today.

"I told her I'm not taking any more of her shit, I'ma tell her straight up, yeah I'm hangin out with her and what, y'namean?-- hol' up Hallo?... Yeah baby I miss you too.... uh-huh... nah baby I'm at the pool ... oh you just talkin to my dumbass, huh? (verbatim, I swear!) oh you gonna call you other boyfriend huh?... yeah, she here...."

What the hell is that, do tell? "Don't care about what they say, I don't listen to her, I just tell her "yeah babe I am gonna talk to Louise, what about it"MY ARSE. "Don't let what my psycho no good girlfriend has to say baout you or to you get to you, but let me lie to her so she don'tknow I'm hanging out with you" I HATE THIS. I HATE HIM TELLING ME EVERYTHING. I HATE BEING FRIENDS WITH HIM. I HATE THAT HE'S WITH HER. I HATE THAT SHE'S SUCH A DOG. I just generally hate this situation. Her family doesn't like him, his doesn't like her, HE doesn't love her, She tries to control every breath he takes.... WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ADULTS? I swear i wish I could just be married and not ever even have the chance to get this involved in someone else's relationship.

Oh yeah and guess who the cat drug in for kelly's wedding saturday all the way from sunny Texas? Mr.Mr. Mr. "I'm too old for you but I'll be friends with you no matter what they say untill it bugs me and then I'll just treat you like something my dog ate and threw up on my carpet" came up for a nice little visit...

"wow, I haven't talked to you in a while, a guess since even before I left... yeah sorry about that... well I hear you're doing well... yeah yeah I'm fine..."

WHY DID HE HAVE TO LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT? I always fell for those sad lonely littlle puppy eyes. DAMN HIM AND HIS EYES! Lookin' at me like that getting me all worked up inside like things weren't ridiculous when he left. Looking at me like he didn't break my heart and make me cry unneccesarily when he listened to every words they said and just turned everything off to me. Looking at me like he didn't give up on our friendship just as easily as he packed up and moved on home with barley a word. Damn him so swooping back in here like that with those eyes.... :(

Oh well...

Mr.Hampster is finally leaving. I haven't talked to him since graduation when, oh yes, he called me a whore infront of everyone on stage at rehersal... I am so glad now that he's leaving. I'm sad that he's a self-centered, pig-headed, unfeeling, low-life, uptight, self-righteous, incestueous dog and that's why we'll never be together. But I think him leaving will be okay. Good even.

But, with college season approaching, many more departures will also inevitably insue. Miss.Loquacious, who I have managed not to kill yet even after all we've been through, is leaving. As is previously unmentioned Cowgirl. (yes, like ye-haw- she's going to school to become a horse TRADER, not TRAINER, mind you)

What ever shall I do all alone and alonely?
1 Samuel 20:42 to all I know and knew.

Mr.Paramour...

This seems to be an ever developing saga.

I seriously jump everytime my cell phone rings my usual ringer because I think it's going to be Mr.Hampster's sister screaming in my ear. (Everyone i like talking to has custom ringers. When I hear my normal ring tone I know I'm in trouble...) I think she might kill me. lol. Kill me dead.

I also think that this is getting to sorted to even write about it out of sheer paranoia. (What if she reads this?)

I guess you interested folk who have become fully enveloped in the story will have to buy the book one day...

I'm sitting here trying to think of a million things at once.
I'm trying to remember the first time I equated being with someone as love.
The first time I realized that hugging or kissing or talking or laughing with someone else meant something resembling this thing called love.
That moment inside of your first sweet summer kiss that seems perfect and endless.
That moment when you forget everything else and just fall into someone else.

And I'm trying to decide who or what first made me believe that I need to feel that way sometimes so that my life may have substance. So that my life may resemble at least something I can settle on; something I can own. Who ever made me give creedence to the fact the we all need to know structured, defined, and clearly expressed love?

I listen to love songs, I watch chick flicks, I go on dates with guys I barely like "just in case he might be the ONE", I dream, I wishon shooting stars, I wear make-up, don push-up bras, bat my eyes, wear high heels, and try my best to woo someone of the opposite sex, anyone, in the hopes that their attentions/affections towards me will be or turn into something resembling a loving state in which I can feel free and open.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHY I BOTHER!

All I've EVER gotten is broken hearts, runny mascara, and a general disdain for the opposite sex.

And all it's ever done for me is MAKE ME WANT IT MORE.

I don't know why I have to feel like I need love to validate my life. Sometimes I think I might rather enjoy not being human so as to avoid the trap of need beyond that of survival.

1 Samuel 20
42 Jonathan said to David, "Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the LORD , saying, 'The LORD is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever.' " Then David left, and Jonathan went back to the town.

okay so Mr.Hampster's-sister's-fiance-wait he needs a name...Mr.inamorato... no I'm not in love with him... Mr.Paramour. (We're understanding that he is not my paramour, but Mr.Hampster's siters paramour, i.e. one who assumes the right of a husband or an ellicit lover...Now that the english lesson is over...)

So Mr.Paramour keeps calling me. And calling me... AND CALLING ME. Not that i mind it, in fact i really like talking to him. He's a good listener and a good talker. He's very sensitive and in tune with his feelings and he's very honest and open with me. BUT- in the goodness and flow of pure conversation lies the biggest problem of all: I know that Mr. Hampster's sister would KIL me DEAD if she knew we were talking. CORRECTION (She knows we talk) But if she knew how much and what we talked about. I can tell he and I are treading on thin ice. He's told me so much- about not wanting to marry her, about he desire to go in the service, his future dreams, and just stupid stuff like what makes women hot and how stupid Mr. Hampster is. (Who I have not carried on a conversation with in over 2 weeks- I haven't even thought of him, I'm so proud...)

At any rate, I don't know what to do. I like talking to him. He's like... well, he's like my friend. But I can't help hating her and telling him so and thats not right I know. And she hates me and tells him so and that can't be good.

I JUST DON'T KNOW!!! AHHHHH!

eh...

He came home, but now he's avoiding me.

HOW MUCH FRIGGIN FUN IS THAT?

Yea, I think it's safe to say that I dug my own grave with this one...

He comes home in two days...
He comes home in two days...
He comes home in two days...

I just keep telling myself that to get through the hell of the "real world." Man I hate working. Not so much working, just working 4 hour shifts EVERY FRIGGIN DAY OF THE WEEK. IN RETAIL NO LESS. Oh and tell me if anyone would be so kind, what is the joy of shopping while intoxicated? STOP DRINKING MARGARITAS AND THEN TRYING TO BUY SHOES!! WAIT UNTIL YOU SLEEP IT OFF. I promise the shoe store will be there when you're done with the fire water...

CRAZY PEOPLE...

Yea so we hate Mr.Hampster's sister for a million and one crazy reasons. Everytime we get together with Mr. Hampsters family, we get stuck tallking to HER fiance. Nicest guy in the world. So me and Mr. Slighty-stupid-for-liking-crazy-girl get to talking and decide that we can talk outside of "family" outings. So he calls me last night PISS-ASS DRUNK. YEAH. I think he's trying to give HER a reason to kill me...

OH WELL...

ok so Mr. Future- Millionaire says, in the middle of a truth-or-dare game in which I had to remove his pants (thankfully I got to use my hands-rather than my teeth...)"my true feelings for Louise are that she is a VERY good friend of mine who I still have feelings for..." wow. when I was Truthed "what are your feelings for Alex, I said, "I absoulutely LOVE him" (he didn't hear, but oh well.) and then my mom tells me "why didn't you want to go to the ocean with the boys? (the boys being Mr.Future-millionaire and his 7 friends) I would let you go with Mr.Future-millionaire if you want..." AHHH! so now I can't stop thinking about him and going to ocean city with him. Thats dangerous.

IN OTHER NEWS...
Mr.Hampster screamed at me and called me a ho in front of EVERYONE at graduation rehersal... Yea thats done...

Well I'm having fun so far. My mom says my life is like a soap opera, but I think it's more like a matchbox20 song.It won’t be the first - heart that you break It won’t be the last - beautiful girl The one that you wrecked - won’t take you back If you were the last beautiful girl in the world. Maybe he will take me back. Slow dancing on the boulevard
"In the quiet moments while the city’s still dark
Sleepwalking through the summer rain and the tired spaces
You could hear her name when she was warm and tender
And you held her arms around you
There was nothing but her love and affection
She was crazy for you"

I can't believe it's over.

Here it is, wednesday. Humpday. I worked for four hours this morning. Came home and did nothing. Cause I have no school.And never will again. It's not spring break, it's not winter holiday, it's not even summer break. It's just plain over. Nothing to look forward to. No one to bring presents home for from Hawaii and make jealous. No one to impress with my tan or new haircut. Just a big lot of nothing. I'm lousy with nothing.

I never thought doing nothing could be so... I don't know, something...

So prom was friday and OH MY GRACIOUS I LOOKED LIKE A FREAKIN' PRINCESS I didn't win prom queen and i didn't dannce with my date very much and I was hot all night and it wasn't all that I thought it would be, but the look on Mr. Hampster's face when I came down the stairs, revealing my b-e-a-utiful dress with me in it (chessy movie moment, I know), just that one look made up for it. Maybe he had something in his eye, or he was just looking at me like that because he knew i wanted him to, but wow. That was enough in and of it self to make my night seem perfect, atleast it will in 5 years when I forget the crummy DJ, I forget dancing with everyone BUT MR. Hampster, and I forget all the lesbians freak dancing. Atleast I'll have that one moment where he saw me and his face lit up. Just that one moment to remember him when he's away at college meeting a million and one goregeous republican girls with blonde hair, money and IQ's of 80 or below (in order to be in the "Daddy's little rich girl" club.) When he's forgotten me for the sake of his siter and his schooolwork, I'll still have that one small still moment where I was beautiful and worthy and perfect in his eyes.

Too much drama. In 7 dys, Ii'll never have too see him (except for Sunday's) ever again.

So wow.

I'm not going to talk about how much I screwed up my own love life. I'm not going to talk about my stupid english paper due like the day after prom. I'm not going to talk about prom that's in 2 days. I'm not going to talk about stupid little Miss.I'm-your-ex-boyfriends-prom-date-and-that-makes-me-cool. I'm not going to tal about anything because there's nothing left to say. High school ends in 13 days and I have nothing left...

ACQUIRE THE FIRE.
WOW.

I'm so glad I went Saturday.

I really didn't want to and then I felt so bad that I had reserved a ticket and wasn't going to go. So I went and wow.

I choose the door of the disciple.
I die daily.
Everyday we make the choice to either live in God's will or ignore it. It's either/ or. It's like being pregnant. YOU'RE NOT A LITTLE PREGNANT, JUST LIKE YOU'RE NOT A LITTLE CHRISTIAN. wow. that's one from the duh files but it still caught me off guard. Lately I haven't felt ALIVE, let alone CHRISTIAN.
I CHOOSE THE DOOR OF THE DISCIPLE.

The only man who is going to dictate my actions from this day forward is Chrst Jesus my lord.

Yes everything else is worthless when compared to the priceless gain of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. I have discared everything else, counting it all as SKEBALAH so that I may have Christ and be one with him. I no longer count on my own goodness or abilities to obey God's law, but I trust in Christ to save me for God's way of making us right with himself depends on faith.
1 philipians 3:7+8

DAYS OF SCHOOL LEFT: 26

PAPERS TO WRITE FOR CRUMMY AP ENGLISH TEACHER WHO GAVE ME A D: 275

WAYS I HAVE SINCE DEVISED TO PULL A SENIOR PRANK SO OUTRAGEOUS WE WIL BE OFF OF SCHOOL UNTILL THE COWS GO HOMES SO AS NOT TO BE FORCED TO COMPLETE SAID 275 PAPERS FOR SAID CRUMMY AP ENGLISH TEACHER: ENDLESS

now that that is out of my system; could someone please tell me why ex-boyfriends are so friggin crazy? I thought maybe it was just Mr. Heartbreaker with his whole deal last year. Then Mr. Hampster went all out of whack on me. Now a previously un-introduced ex (not unimportant, just unmentioned for the glorious fact that he wasn't one of the crazy ones) Mr. Future Millionaire is going completely spagetti eyes on me.

What a twisted web we weave...

more later I have to go sulk...

Okay so spring break officially sucks.

I'm working 30 hours this week which is good becuase I need to money, but I was hoping on totally relaxation time- you know time to spend with friends and stuff. What? You mean I have to have friends to spend time with them?? well that sucks...

I officially think Mr. Hampster has issues with commitment. Surprise? no. Did I figure this out a long tiome ago? yeah. Was I hoping he'd change? no not really. Can I get over him now? who knows.

As much as I love him I honestly think I am not only insane but in extreme need of time spent far far away. Not just a spring break, but a spring break in say cancun, where there is no reminder of Hampy.

Good lord I need a life.

I'm going to go make cookies and cry about not having anything fun to do for the rest of the week.

OMG SPRING BREAK OF SENIOR YEAR>

How now holy brown cow!!!!

JUST IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING:
I'm not a snob.
I don't think I talk to much.
I do think Mr. Hampster does really love me.
I am sorry for people I've hurt.
I don't deny I've hurt a few people lately.
I am just trying to help.
I do know a few things about how to be a good friend.
I do have feelings.
Just because I smile every morning on the morning announcements does not mean that I am happy. It means simply that I am an actress and that is my job.
I do hate some people and that makes me feel horrible.
I do have bad days.
I am allowed to have bad days.
I am allowed to need someone, anyone to listen to me whine (about nothing and everything all at once.)
English really is my best subject, despite what my report card might say.
I am not sorry that I think I'm an okay person.
I am not sorry that I need attention.
I am not sorry that I was never supposed to be born and was.
I am not sorry that I am in your way, whoever you may be.
I walk, talk, act, think, cry, jump, laugh, run, play,work, write, ponder, swim, type and do so many more amazing verbs just like you.
I am strong, I am pensive, I am smart, I am capable, I am a woman, I am lonely and theres still so much more to me.

If you're hung up on how I act, look, speak, move, think or any combination of these and other facets of my personality, I'm sorry I can't help you.
Amazingly, I am not responsible for how much you dislike me.
Deal with it on your own time.

I am entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness and if you don't agree you can just bugger off...

wow... the url for my website (this one) is "My real name is Luly." I think it's highly ironic considering the whole name change thing that happened a few weeks ago.

I feel the worst I've felt in a while. Everythign has just been hitting a wall lately and I think it's actually starting to have noticable effects on me. I've tried to hold together the Mr. Hampster business. I've tried to hold together the Future stuff. I've tried to hold together the "I hate my family and house" feelings. I've tried to hold together work and school and clubs and meetings and crappy friends and good friends and my own deficiencies and I'm thinking this is just not working. I'm feeling really hopeless and helpless and alone and even a little faithless and that worries me. I'm frightened and I'm lonely and I'm just plan annoyed at the world. I DON'T KNOW WHATS WRONG WITH ME.

Things could be worse, I know. I just couldn't feel any worse. I'm getting NUMB and thats DANGEROUS. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions, call 1-800-please-someon-care! Feelin a lil like noone does.

But who should, I'm just that chick on the announcements anyhow, no one really needs to KNOW me.

PLAN A) EL NAVY
PLAN B) EL SOCCER-IO MOMMY-O
PLAN C) There is no plan C, but if there were, it would invovle getting married and MAKING BABIES!!!!!!! WEEOOO!

Sorry, I just needed to let everyone who was concerned know that; yes, I know the navy might not work out, but, Yes, I do have other plans.

T-48

48 what you ask?

48 more days until BLAST OFF.

In case no one noticed, I have a new last name.

Here is the official, top ten list of Crap-o-lack rumors as to why I have changed my name:

Number 10: I was adopted by my stepfather. This one is the one that most people like to believe. For whatever reason, it is an easy explanation that people who don't know me suddenly pull out of their belly button as an excuse. And lets think this thru: In Maryland, you don't have to change your last name if your adopted. Its about finances, not always sybolism.

Number 9: I want to be like John Cougar Mellancamp. For those of you who know who this is ( mostly no one-- think "jack and Diane") John Cougar- John Mellancamp- John Cougar Mellancamp ect....

Number 8: I want to be like Pheobe on a recent episode of friends. A) I did not pick a name like Bannafanna, and B) I changed my name a week before that episode aired.

Number 7: I want to be like Pheobe on friends. This on gets two in the Top Ten Crap-o-lack reasons because i don't even watch friends and if I were stupid enough to change may name because of a show, I would atleast change the whole dang thing.

Number 6: I just needed a change. Anyone who knows me knows I hate change.

Number 5: It's a better stage name. Yeah friggin right...

Number4: I didnt REALLY change it, I'm just pulling a clever rouse on EVERYONE. Yeah, ok if I were that smart I would be able to think up something better and though that is half true, I didn't really change it, I dont' like to fool people.

Number 3: I am really a secret agent from Russia.Yeah right, then where's my accent?

Number 2: She changed her name? isn't she Kellie Hale? (p.s. Kellie Hale is a petite Black girl)

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON ON MY TOP TEN LIST OF CRAP O LACK RUMORS FOR ME TO CHANGE MY LAST NAME: (dun dun dun dun dun dun!!!)

I got married.

Yeah friggin right.
In the words of my moms boyfriend (NOT my adoptive father): "What would marry you?"

Everyone needs to not bother trying to think of a reason to sound like their in with "that chick on the TV". You don't need to know why, but if you must know ASK ME instead of believing Stephanie Noname or John Doe who does not know me or my story.

In short, it doesn't affect you, since most of you don't know me from Kellie Hale anyways...

I hate that life has to end just as life is begining. I just want to be with him now and worry about forver later. But I don't want either of us to hurt. such is life, full of completely impossible possibilities.

Okay I don't know when I wrote that, but it must have been before Mr.Hampster and I had our little heart to heart. I'll say little because anything else makes it a "little" too much. Too much said, too much done, and too much is still there to just leave. If that makes any sense.

In a word: FUTURE.

In a phrase: WITH HIM.

Enough? It never is, but hah, thats all you get.

SO if you couldn't tell, he and I atleast understand one another, if not feel something nearly sympatico. Not perfect, but atleast honest, and that's way more than anyone else feels like I deserve.

IF YOU HAVENT ALREADY:
You should go and see Mel Gibsons new movie THE PASSION. For people who know me and I mean know me well, you'll know that I don't really like sitting through movies, nor do I like people who talk insesently about movies. In fact, I rather like going to crappy movie just so I can talk throughout them. And don't ask me what I thought about a particular scene after we've left th movie theater because my memory sucks and you won't even think we've seen the same movie. But this movie was amazing. Forget the fact that I'm christian. Forget the hype. Forget the fact that I saw it while holding on to Mr. Hampsters strong bicepts, breathing in his air. Just think about this as immature, lonely, ADD having me. I sat through an entire 2 1/2 hour movie WITH SUBTITLES, I spoke not a word through the movie save for a grunt when Mr. Hampster told me I "didn't have to watch the crucifixtion", didn't speak a word AFTER the movie was over and, AS IF THAT WEREN'T ENOUGH TO ASTOUND AND AMAZE, I remeber evey part of the movie as if it were some sick and twisted brain washing technique. Not to suggest that it IS, IT WAS JUST THAT GOOD.

If you're not christian, go see it. If you are, go see it. If you're "black, white Lemon or Lime" go see it. If your mom just died, go see it . If you painted your nails, go see it. IN SHORT: EVERYONE AND THEIR MOMS DOGS BEST FRIEND NEEDS TO SEE THIS MOVIE.

With kleenex and your Mr.Hampster :)

He drives me insane.

"Like a Hampster, he gets on his wheel and goes around and around and around and doesn't bother with anyone else"

I would love to hate him and be mad at HIM for all the annoy and ridiculously arrogant, selfish things he does, but I can't help hating myself. I hate all the time I've wasted. I hate all the love I've given him. I can't spend that time any other way now. I can't NOT think about all the times I've wished we were together, especially all the time that we WERE together, but his heart just wasn't there. I don't like to doubt other peoples feelings and i feel bad assuming this, but I truly believe that I never affected him. I honestly think that my presence in his life has made ABSOLUTELY NO DIFFERENCE. To love so much and to see so much wasted is truly saddening.

And people wonder why so many people give up on love.

Everything is going a little bit better.

Valentine's Day could have turned into a crash point, but my mommy and I went to New York to get a prom dress and then to Connecticut to see my Aunt Maryann. I spent the whole day having a good time with my mom and didn't think about Mr. Hampster once. I thought about his mom and how cool she would think New Yorks Fashion district is, but thats about it.

So I got a gorgeous prom dress that makes me feel like a Princess (which I am, btw) for under 50 dollars (Can you believe it?) and the rest of my outfit my mom felt it best to splurge, since the dress was such a steal (by splurge I mean 50 dollars for under garments- every girl should wear a corset once in her life-- it is an instant mood lifter, I gotta tel you.) Butin spite of the shopping spree, I managed to spend less than HALF of what I thought I would spend on the dress ALONE. Again, Major Major mood lifter, as every girl knows.

Staying with my aunt is incredible. She's like a little old lady housing a seventeen year old. She has the best stories and the coolest house. Not to mention, she's just as crazy as I am in every way. I think it runs in our blood.

But while I was at her house I had the weirdest dreams that really made me think. People might think I'm crazy, but I really think that both God and Satan can send us very powerful messages in our dreams, because it's the only time our own thoughts are out of the way. I won't go into too much detail because it would take too long and it really was incredible frightening, but let me tell you what: I stared Satan in his crystal blue eyes. He came to me as Mr. Hampster- posessed but suave and dashing and I couldn't pull myself away, I couldn't even speak- and offered me everything- the whole world literally flashed before my eyes- diamonds, parties, fancy houses, limos, royalty--everything anyone would want and he told me he would give it all to me in a second if I would just agree to be his. I know this sounds insane, but I really take a lot away from my dreams and I think both God and Satan were trying to tell me that the obsession I have with Mr. Hampster- or anything of the world for that matter- makes me a princess on earth and a partner to Satan's plan. I woke up feeling like I had just danced the night away in the arms of the only man I could every see myself loving but it was all a mirage, an image as fake as my dream. then I realized: a life spent loving anything more than He who has saved me by his blood is but a second living the "good life" and an eternity away from God.

I have to say, that dream was a very terrifying awakening.

I feel like poo.

And this time, it's not my fault.

I don't get it. I feel so lost, so lonely. I feel like something's broken, but I don't know what it is and I don't know how to fix it. I have so many decisions to make and I feel like no matter what I do, no matter what choice I finally make, it will be the wrong one. Or atlest everyone will think it's the wrong one. For some reason, all of a sudden, everything that everyone else thinks matters to me. Every remark, everytime they ignore me, everytime I can't have what I want because of someone else I just feel defeated. That's not like me. I don't know when I stopped being me and started being scared of what people think and concious of mistakes they think I make. It helps a little, to make me a better person. But I used to always know what was best for me. I knoew where I was headed and how I was going to get there and no one was going to hold me back. Now I'm just lost. I'm just stuck here with things I want but I can't have. Things I want to do but I'm so concerned with what everyone and their neighbors dog think of it that I just can't do it. I don't know how I got here. Worse I don't know how to get out.

Actualy, I know one of the two. Mr. Hampster.
I tried so hard to be his Mary Poppins, perfect in everyway. But I couldn't. I couldn't do it. I tried so hard to convince myself that thats what I wanted. That what he wanted was best because "he's perfect". I know what I want... I want to get out of here, away from him.

My crazy mother doesn't help.
Again, trying to please impossible people is not my specialty. Being myself is. But she didn't like me, so I change. And then she doubts me. She says I can't do the one thing that might actually make her proud of me. "You can't please me, you're not strong enough. You'd be better off failing at pleasing me by just being yourself." (not a direct quote, but it felt like she could have said that without a studder, without a breath.

I don't know what to do. I want to just be me, but I disgust myself. I want to be what they want me to be, but being the right person disgusts them. I am thoroughly convinced that I could leave this town and no one would even notice I was gone. But, she's right, I haven't the strength. I haven't the strength to leave because I want to stay and make things right but I can't. I can't be perfect. I can't fix things that aren't my fault. i can't justify being born. I can't be Mary Poppins. Thats just not me. I'm just me and no one likes that. No one is pleased with that because I am not who they would have me be.

I can't turn back and I can't go forward. I'm stuck and I'm scared and I feel so alone. I feel like no one in the world understands me; I feel like i can't articulate well enough to make them understand me. Worst of all, I'm not doing my job, I'm not doing what I was put here to do. How can a bastard child with a bright mind, no future, no past, and no place in this world, being doing the work of God?

Who knows.

Maybe it'll all get better sometime down the road.
Maybe this is just some cruel joke.

I THINK I WILL DIE IF HE MARRIES A BLONDE SUPERMODEL AND HAS 2.5 CHILDREN A HOUSE A DOG AND A WHITE PICKET FENCE BEFORE ME.

I just thought I would warn everyone who might not already know...

I feel better about everything lately.

I've been thinking a lot lately (being as I've been stuck in the igloo for like 27 million days with nothing to do but knit- knit and think knit and think-- thats it!) And I think I'm okay with everything.

I am going in the Navy. I started filling out and application to college but I'm not going to finish. I was doing it for them, not me. Them being anyone who doesn't get me or want to try to get me...

I am okay that Mr.Hampster might get married to a very beautiful blonde before I ever get married (if I ever get married). I think I will and I know he'll be just the right guy. Better than a dozen Mr.Hampsters...

I'm okay that no matter how hard I try, some people will just never like the fact that I'm alive and I just have to live with them...literally...

I am just plain okay...

I have a purpose here even if I don't get it. Heartache and let-downs have their place to, even though I'll never get that. And I am OKAY.

I think...

GRADUATION DAY BLUES

Everyone’s rearranging-their all changing
What it is what it has to be
I’m just left here standing- Feeling a little stranded
And I don’t know what’s left to do
Shipping the supplies- boxing up our lives
Catching the next bus to anywhere

It seems like they’re unafraid-Ready for change
But I’m not no I’m not-
I’m not ready to let it go
Let it grow, Let it mold into something new
Does anyone feel what I’m going through?

I’m finally where I’m meant to be
You can’t take that away from me
Tell me to leave- tell me to walk away
From the only place that I feel safe
The only place that calls me home

I’m not no I’m not
I’m not ready to let it go
Let it grow, Let it mold into something new
Doesn’t anyone know what I’m going through?

The rest of our lives- Cutting all ties
Start it over and over again
I don’t want to leave but I can’t stay
And I can’t hold on to today
When it’s all going to fade away

Well it’s too late to hesitate
Pack it up, get on your way
Cause I can’t stay in yesterday
Tomorrows just a day away

But I’m not no I’m not
I’m not ready to let it go
Let it grow, Let it mold into something new
Can anyone help me make it through?

Miss.Loquacious (a.k.a. my best friend with far too much estrogen): "What is going on HERE?"
Me: "they're putting up drywall-"
Miss.L:"NO YOU DINGLE BERRY! HEEEERE!"
ME: Looks at Mr.Hampster who is completely oblivious with his headphones on "OH! Nothing..."
Miss.L:" Nothing? Why not? MR.HAMPSTER!!! WHY IS THERE NOTHING?"
Mr.Hampster: "Oh it's not nothing it's DRYWALL."
Miss.L: "NOOOO! NOT THAT HEEERE!!!!" (makes an exageratted hand jesture and nearly knocks over the DRYWALL)
Mr.Hampster: "OHH!! Nothing."
Miss.L: "NOTHING? WHY NOTHING!?"
Me: "Because there's nothing."
Miss.L: "WHY is there nothing?"

I'd like to know the same thing Miss.L.
The easy way to think about it (one day at a time) is that there's nothing because there's nothing. Maybe, one day, I'll actually convice myself that there's nothing.

Okay, so here are some tips for guys who need Valentine gift giving ideas:

If you've been dating for more than a year:
You should already know what she wants. If you don't, you're not only a complete failure as a boyfriend, but you are also a disgrace to the whole of the metrosexual generation. TSK TSK.

If you've been dating for less that a year (like way less-like 6 months):
If you haven't already, buy her jewlery! Nothing fancy, no rings cause HI! They hint at something more important! But ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FAKE. (think about it this way: only men with fake jewels BUY fake jewels) If you're going to buy jewlery, make it real or forget about it. AND NEVER TELL HER HOW MUCH IT COST! I'm sure you'd hate a guilt trip if you got the wrong thing or worse, forgot altogether, so don't make her feel bad on the most romantic day of the year by telling her you had to blow your months salary on it instead of going out with the guys. If you have already given her jewelry, this girl is probably special and you should probably glitz it up; Her favorite flowers, tea, coffee, or hot chocolate, and an evening of star gazing or, if she's an active girl, an afternoon of horseback riding would do fine; Just be sure to do something you'd both enjoy.

If you want to ask someone to be your Valentine:
My AIM is THEBADGUMMYBEAR. Feel free to contact me and let me know what's up, and I will not only agree to be your valentine, I will take you to the store and pick out my gift for you.

Now that you know I don't want to hear any of the girls I know complaining about the Swiffer you bought her OR the fake jewels.

It frustrates me that the only reason guys have broken up with me is for who I'm not rather than who I am.

I mean, I have enough annoying qualities. I wake up ealry and like everyone else to wake up with me because I cant stand not having attention, I'm obsessed with school in the sense that I do well and I know it, I'm annoyingly perky and absolutely in love with bubblegum pop like Hanson (I even piss myself off sometimes), when I'm in a bad mood, no one can touch me, and I'm far to clingy for anyones benefit.

But guys tend to break up with me for what I'm lacking. I'm not pretty, I'm not good enough to bring home to mommy (or bad enough, depending on the guys objective), I'm not into sex, I'm not into drugs, I don't like heavy metal or classical music all that much, I'm not a princess (atleat not as much as I'd like to think so), I'm not very mature, though I'm not too IMmature-- In short, I'm not perfect.

The more I think about it, the more I start to see myself for who I'm not. I think that's why this whole "future-oh-my-what-in-the-name-of-sweet-cow-milk-am-I-going-to-do-with-myself?" approach to life is coming from lately. People say to me "what do you want to be, what do you want to do with yourself?" And all I can think is that there are a hundred things I'm not that I would love to be just so I can be that perfect Miss. for a perfect Mr.

I hate thinking of myself in terms of "I am not" rather than "I am" or even "I will be." It really bites.

Okay, my last couple of entries have been a little dense, so here's some egg whites for those who have forgotten that I am, in fact, a teenage girl.

I have one amazing, glorious, exciting, thrilling, scintilating word for you and that word is PROM. PROM is creeping up on us surreptitiously and I couldn't be happier. It is exciting in it's finality and horrifying for the same reason. One last Huray to four seemingly wasted years. My date doesn't help to assuage my fears that this mayin fact be the best night of my life, and that it's all down hill after that.

I bet you can guess who that date might be. We all know and love him in his performance as himself in "the stodgy right wing conservative" as well as, "too mature for the crazy girl" (parts one and two). (drumroll please...) Yep, you guessed it. Mr.Hampster. Aren't you full of perspicacity?

I think it might be my sad and regrettable destiny to live my life as a republicans puppy dawg. (-awg because it's just that much cooler.)

Why does everyone think I'm crazy?

I am perfectly sane. I just don't want to do what everyone wants me to do. I don't want to go to college. I DO however want to live up to my full potential. Not going to college does not mean I'm wasting my life. I'm going to be protecting you ungrateful culturally illiterate swine from a world that hates Americans for our patriotism and non-conformist arrogant views all at once. Is there something fundementally wrong with wanting to protect your freedom of speech so that you can say whatever you want about not trusting the government and thinking that the goverment is, in fact, run by right wind conservative pigs? I'm sorry if you don't enjoy the right to life liberty and the pursuit of frivilous over-indulgence, but I plan to protect those rights even if it means not doing what everyone wants me to do with my life so as to not waste away to nothing.

And what...

I'M GOING TO DIE AN OLD MAID WITHOUT A COLLEGE EDUCATION WITH MY NEXT AS KIN LISTED AS "MR.FLUFFIKINS" AND "LULU FASHU"!!

KILL ME NOW, BEFORE I GET GRAY AND WRINKLY!!!

In Loo of flowers, please SAVE ME!!

Okay I'm done being dramatic.

1270.

Four little numbers...
One Big Deal...

Why is this so hard? I know what I want and I know how to get it. So why do I have so much doubt? Worse, why does everyone doubt me? I want a career and a family and a white picket fence. I do not want to be sitting in some prison somewhere, barely living, attempting to gain experience and "enhance my mind". I want to go and do and see and LIVE. Not get myself into debt taking required classes like "Women's Lit." and "Biology 101: The history of man and back hair." What is so hard to understand? I want to learn and live at the same time. College is a road block, not a stepping stone. WHAT IS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND?

B-man Brandalite, one of the many geniuses I am proud to call my friend puts it this way,

"see it's like a record company trying to manipulate your artistic abilities to try to make some corporate takeover sellout thing"

I am an artist of life.
You don't pay me.
I AM NOT YOUR PUPPET.
GET YOUR OWN LIFE.

Is what I would tell anyone who has given me the "you're wasting your life if you don't go to college" speech in the last year, but I haven't the juavos or the energy.

All I have left are doubts.
Fears.
What ifs...

This is a really good time for my night in shining armor to come sweep me away to his castle...

ANYTIME YOU'RE READY, PRINCE CHARMING.

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it I don't understand... If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am? If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head? I don't know why you're so far away... Cause I miss you body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away... Cause I love you whether it's wrong or right...

Poor Helena...

I forgot to write about my saving grace at work the other night. I got stuck working a thusday and for anyone who knows anything, thursdays at Famous Footwear are DEF NOT THE HOTNESS. But luckily Joe SAVED MY LIFE by whisking me away to the mall so we could share in the delight of Bourbon Chicken at the low low price of--- well I don't know the price, because I am the luckiest little girl in the whole of the Bourbon Chicken loving world.

ANYWAYS...

IT'S CHRISTMAS!!!...

Well almost, it's the last day of school before winter break and THAT is DEF the hotness.

I went and sat on Santas lap yesterday with Kellie Hale. That was good times.

Other than that I got nothin'.

Guess I'll talk at you later.

Wow it's almost the end of the year and I think it's time for a recap:
-Mr.Mr (now Mr.Geri AGAIN cause he's not hot any more) is a poo face. An absolutely ridiculous one. No real explanation, only a simply idea to leave you with on this subject: Guys, Don't treat girls that like you like three year olds after having said several times that you "value their opinion and respect who they are because they are mature young adults, no matter what their actually numerical age is." AND scene...

-Mr. Hampster is ... the best guy in the world. As always.

-Christmas seems actually magical this year. Not because of the gifts or the people or the snow or anything like that. Just because. I think it's because it's my first Chirstmas as a christian and because it's my last Christmas (stuck) at home. Everything just seems more important.

-This year is a lot better than last year. Again, because I'm Christian. Things have been hardand have kind of sucked, but the little things don't matter. I'm happier this Christmas in my own skin and alone than I ever have been before, alone or not. I just feel good. I can't explain it. Like I look back on all thats happened in high school before now and all that seems so far away from me know. I mean I know I'm still immature and stupid and I know I still get upset over trivial things and I don't have it all together yet, but I feel more mature, more compitent. I don't know. Maybe I'm just crazier and I feel more normal now that I can embrace my insanity... ha... That cactually might be it...


- I love working, but working and school is so much harder than I thought. I never gave who do work and school enough credit. I am literally in every sense of the word exhausted. But I feel good. So thats a plus.

- I think that's it, amazingly.

Wow, that was a great catharsis.

That's it.
She's crossed a line.
THAT IS MY F*&^ING TREE, MOTHA F*&^ER!!

I'm sorry, but I hate when people other than me and my mommy decorate MY F*&^ING TREE...

GRRR... PEOPLE ARE CRAZY.

People are crazy. thats my new motto for life, that people are crazy. It's generalized i know but everyone really is. The more i work and the more I have to deal with people the more i feel like a sane person trapped in a crazy house. It bothers me. I can't wait until I get married and have a family and a home I can go home to and hide from the crazies. Then again, that scenario only works if i can find a sane guy to marry... Then again any guy who would marry me would have to be a little off kilter...

The end of the world is coming soon. Therefore, be earnest and disciplined in your prayers. Most important of all, continue to show deep love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins.

1 Peter 4: 7+8

I feel like poo.

I think my best (and only) friend in the whole world and I are going to have a buddy-break-up, and I'm going to be the one broken (as always). I hate feeling this way. The way where you know someone did something wrong and you're just waiting for one of you to crack and do the breaking. God, I hope that doesn't happen. I need all the friends I can get and I thought for once I might have one friend I could keep.

I worst thing is ia that our friendship is (was supposed to be) based completely in Christ. I felt like I could tell them anything and that spending time with them would always be the ultimate fellowship time for me. Two buddies going through life, arm in arm walking the narrow path, showing others it's worth it... But something happened. One or both of us fell and one or both of us aren't getting up, or are having a heck of a time. This is definatly the hardest thing in the world to go through. I don't want to be the fallen one, but I don't want them to be either, and I know it has to be one of us, because it's more than if we had just fallen out of eachother; it goes deeper than that... The book says to confront them. If they listen they are your true friend, if not, confront them with a mediator and then with the church, and if they still won't listen, treat them as an unbeliever...

I'm going to lose my best friend ever and it says to just let them go.

I can't do it.
I can't be alone.
Is this a test to see if I can stand alone?
Or is this a test to see if I can let Jesus mend this friendship?

Any ideas, I'm open to comments, Thebadgummybear = AIM

I wish I could write about why my family is insane, but if I do they might see it and get mad. All I have to ask is are adults supposed to be more mature?

I love snow

I mean it sucks... It's cold and wet and you can't go anywhere or do anything and I always getstuck going into work with my mom and I always forget about my school work, but I still love it.

Who knows why. I could get all mushyand explain why, but honestly I don't have the energy and you don't care anyways.

Well I have to go and see if SATs are cancelled for tomorrow. Pray for me, cause I'm gonna die if they're not.

I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load i bear
in a world as cold as stone
must i walk this path alone?
Help me be strong
Be with me now

Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven
Breath of heaven
lighten my darkness
Pour over me your holiness
for you are holy
Breath of Heaven

Do you wonder, when you watch my face
If a wiser one, should have had my place?
But i offer all i am
for the mercy of your plan
Help me be strong
Help me

"Mr. Hampster can drop you off... and give you a good luck kiss when you get there..."

WHY MUST YOU TORTURE ME?

He's just my christian brother, he's just my christian borther, he's just my christian brother...

Sorry I haven't written in a while. Jobs take more time than I thought.


Today was the first Sunday of advent and by the time special music was sung I was drippy. The song was moving, but suprisingly little to release from me such a wellspring of tears. It was just something about the song that made me think about everything thats happened this past year. I really have come full circle.

Last year this time, I was with Mr. Hampster and, at that point, thought myself the happiest I'd ever be. I had just started going to New Day about two weeks before advent. I remeber thanksgiving was the first time I met Hampster's family-- the whole family-- cousins and all. I nearly fainted with firght, I was so nervous. It seemed like a hour later, it was Christmas and Hampster and I were kissing on my front porch. Our first kiss. In front of my decked out house. He still kissed me even after he saw the house decorated. Even after his skin was nearly sunburnt and his eyes nearly blinded by the lights, and he still kissed me...and then we broke up. And I thought I would die. I thought if I ever saw him again HE would die.

And here we are. I've accepted Jesus and this is my first Christmas as a Christian. I can see. I can see more than egg nog and christmas lights and presents and parties and more christmas lights and snow and caroling and EVEN MORE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS.... I see Christ. I see the birth of a new life that changed the world. I see Mr. Hampster and I don't hate him. I see him and I see my brother. I see someone who has put up with everything from me. I look at him and I SEE CHRIST.

Now all I have left is to look in the mirror and see Christ.

My life is not my own...
And I'm glad.

Whispers of Temptation

I, much concerned with life
Saw the skull beneath the skin
And lustful creatures all around
Lean forward with lips full and grin.

Dead brown roots instead of balls
Drain the attention of wandering eyes
He knew my rambuncitious thoughts
Called in by lusts and luxeries.

He, I guessed, was a hands-on learner
Who could control not his fervor
To seize. And force. And dictate.
Calmed by nothing but that which penetrates

His flesh knew not patience,
His hand an expert beyond experience,
My body not yet a temple,
And I, quickly lead by harsh desires.


* * *

Summer was nice : The extreme heat
Gave way to naked skin
For short, but sweet unknown release
Giving fruitless promises of bliss.

Fro a chaise lounge,
On can see a world.
Observing, planning, asserting.
Scheming. Mouth-watering.

From which he pounced;
and with quick declaration.
"I lust for you"
A force on my subtlty.

Even the slightest hint
Aroused a deeper cry
For flames that danced between
To keep the empty warm.

"why does she keep calling me if she doesn't want to go out with me?"

The more I roll those words over in my mind, the more I think my only friend in the world is a lying sack of poo... either that or she's as deaf as a slug... your call.

My birthday sucked. I was totally kidding myself about the not needing gifts or a party. LOL, no not really, it was all good until El Papi yelled at me for (oh just guess I know you know this one) yup, you got it, church. The only thing I actually care about and I get nothing but admonished about it... Oh well...

I get to call my recruiter soon.

My english teacher is nuts. She says if I don't apply to college she won't pass me for the quater. Screw that. Monkey pants...

My pastor is such a nerd. Miss. Pastor's wife was like "pastor has the number of a boy for you" So I was like "YOYOYO PASTA HOOK ME UP WID DA HOTTIE!!" and he was like "herrre be his digits" and it was definately the number of a guy who came and sang at our church. A very nice, VERY cute guy, but I already have his number and, oh yeah, HE'S LIKE 25!!!

GRR... Not helping Pastor... I surely don't need another Mr.Mr...

I'm probably going to make a million and one entries today, since it's MY BIRTHDAY and all, but I think you (the reader) will deal. Or you'll stop reading all together, which would be unfortunate, but of no great consequence to me seeing as it's not like I get paid to write this stuff and I think I only have like 2 readers anyways.

I'm so excited. I kept telling myself I wouldn't get my hopes up for today, but I'm glad I'm 17. I'm glad I'm getting older. And I don't have to have a big party or get any gifts to be like this, I'm just content to be joyful all by my lonesome.

Well, time to go back to databases

People are gay
But thats okay
A special for today
Since it's my birthday

:)

Oh sweet I finally found a computer that can access my blog after rolling around the computer lab for about 3 hours! (okay... so thats a slight exageration, though I'm still rightly frustrated...)

Work was fun, as always. I'm just so glad I get paid to work in a shoe store. The shoes sell themselves, all I do is ring things up and talk to people about how cute their shoes are. God made me to do retail.

Hmph... My birthday is in 2.5 days, and I'm super anxious. More so than I thought I'd be. Maybe even more than last year, though last year I had my boo-boo to be anxious about. For those of you that don't know, "my boo-boo" was the fond reference I made to the man I now call Mr. Hamster. Mr. Hamster used to be the name I called him when he pissed me off and the only person I had to talk to was Mr.Heartbreaker.

Gollie, things are different this year... No boo-boo, though Mr.Hamster and I are friends, no Mr. Heartbreaker AT ALL, even though we were friends, and the friendship between Mr.Geri and myself steadily cooling... Lotsa new rules to learn. I hate trying to figure out how to treat which person. People should come with detailed instruction manuals....In both english and french...

Speaking of Mr. Hamster, his mommy sent me the nicest birthday card. She needs to have another baby (a boy) so that I can marry him... I just want to be her daughter-in-law, I'm not too particular on who I get to marry.

Maybe I can get her to adopt me...

I'm using a lot of elipses today. Sorry about that. Did you know that the King James Version of the bible has less than 700 different words in it? I just thought that was interesting. I wonder how many different words my blog entry contains on this lovely November day. I suppose I could begin to put to use the vast knowledge of modifiers and unusual, often time obscure vocabulary I possess so as to grow the numbers and impress those that might take the time to count.

Then again, I don't have all that kind of time...

MARR..

WORK WORK WORK WORK WORK
I have to work tonight, tomorrow night and Saturday night... But I get paid and I get to see Frankie, the Hot Mormon rent-a-piggie on the Avenue. I hope he's not from Mars... Or 28...

Well, better get back to learning about tables and databases...

So I can't spell... is Mr. Mesocricetus auratus better?

Anyways, People are funny. Just in general. They get all mad when they screw up. I don't think humans will ever take credit for their own mistakes unless it gets them shagged... "Oh you broke a lamp and offered to pay for it... thats HOTT"... hahaha..

MAWAGE...MAWAGE IS WHAT BWINGS US TOGEVAH TOODAY...

I have some extra time on my hands today in CIP 1, and I have decided to use that time by writing more so whoever is reading this has more to read... as if anyone needs more of me...

Mr. Hampster did something really interesting. I don't want to say what it is, because too many people know anyways, but it's one of those, "wow... why are you being so nice?" kind of things. He confusses me. Maybe it's just my general distrust of people or maybe he's secretly in love with me, but I just can't think of a reasons for him to be so nice to me...

Oh well, there are plenty on mean people out there that in a week, I will have forgotten the nice thing he did this week anyways.

Thank God for Veterans day. For real For real.

It just helps me to remember that I live in a wonderful place. A place where people fight for our freedom. People risk their lives to alow me to do things like speaking my mind and living in freedom.

Jesus was the one and true Veteran, ending the fight and promising that we shall be free. But those who fight her secure our freedom now, and rI pray that God should bless them and keep them and make his face shine upon them.

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND THOSE WHO WOULD DIE TO MAKE US FREE...

Brit-toe-knee said that I use to many big words. I think her intellect is just supine due to the disinforming quadratist society in which our delicate minds are form-fitted for television viewing...

Hahaha...

You look at me,
And you think you see
All there is
Is all I'll be.
I'll tell you now,
Though I can't explain how,
That someday soon
Someway Somehow
I'll be everything God has set before me to be
If I rely on Jesus faithfully.

My world is crazy,
Tears make my view hazy,
My own family debates me
and My place in this world.
But no matter how down
Or discouraged I get,
Jesus is my rock,
My own tournequet.

He makes me whole,
He binds my wounds.
No matter how dusty the road may be,
Jesus is always there,
even if he's hard to see.

One of these days,
It'll all be peachy
Until then, I'll keep on reaching
His arms outstretched,
To bear the load
He carried his cross
One for the whole.

I'll never forget
The blood that was shed
The pain that He bore,
Just for me to know God more.
Without Jesus,
We'd be without light,
God's mercy now freely given,
With great joy and delight.
For now we're forgiven
All sins and shame vanish,
We can come freely to our God,
We're no longer banished.

Jesus broke the wall
We built in the fall
When Jesus died,
He did it for God's love of us all.

So in freedom I write,
That in God's sight,
I'm forgiven and loved
As a child of Light.
No matter how down or discouraged I can be,
My God, through Jesus, can see the good in me.

I thank you, Oh Lord, for you sacrifice
The ticket to heaven so perfectly given
I was Reborn in love extended to all,
And now I know what it means to be living.
With every fiber in me,
When I am all that I can be,
I will have fulfilled God's purpose,
With the life He has redeemed.

UGH! DERN GOOD FOR NOTHING GUIDANCE COUNSELORS!

"guide me, oh great counselor, I need your assistance in this oh so important matter."
"certainly, oh lowly peasant, I will help you, for it is sure you cannot figure things out for yourself."
"bless you, oh lord counselor"

Leave it to someone whose job it is to help you to screw things up even more!

So here's the story:

I go to see my counselor for my senior check-up.
She says I'm on target for graduation.
She says "what are you doing after graduation, oh lowly peasant?"
(well, okey minus the lowly peasant part...)
I say, "El Navy, Senora Couselor-o"
(En Englais)
She says, "Surely not, no! No one was alive then!"
(Minus the Eddie Izzard reference...)
She continues, "A maid as able to earn A's as yourself should not go into the lowly and undeserving post of protecting our country... wouldn't you rather be a designer or an accountant?"
"umm... No."
(The only thing that was ACTUALLY said the way I wrote it...)
"WHAT?! NO?! NO COLLEGE, NO FUTURE LADY! YOU BETTER GET A BACK UP PLAN IN CASE YOU WIMP OUT OF 'EL NAVY'!!!"
And she added a quieter, yet more forcefully, "Why, If I had a daughter as whacko as you I surely would not have a daughter..."
So I said, quietly and complacently, "Ok..."
"OKAY? OKAY?! YOU HAVE TO HAVE A BACK UP PLAN YOU HAVE TO APPLY TO 236 COLLEGES ON THE EAST COAST, AND 567 ABROAD AND ON THE WEST COAST SO YOU CAN HAVE ATLEAST 5 TO CHOOSE FROM AND FILL OUT 678,987,998 FINANCIAL AID PACKETS AND SCHOLARSHIP APPLICATIONS, JUST IN CASE."
"ok... Why?"
"Because you'll miss important and enriching opportunities that YOU MUST HAVE OR ELSE YOU'LL ROT IN A FIERY HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY!! MUHAHA, MUHAHAHAHAHA!"
(flames shoot up, her eyes go black, and people outside her office company about the smell of brimstone...yuck.)
"Maybe... it makes sense. I'll talk to my parents about it... Now can I go, PLEASE?"

LATER THAT EVENING
"Ma, this whacko lady at school says I should have a back up plan and I think she might have a good idea... I'm gonna go to this college fair and fill out these forms, just in case--"
(my sister in law chimes in, because of course everything said between my mother and I is automatically her business, for she is an all-knowing goddess of everything...)
"you are dumb. The fact that you are even considering other options show me that you can hack the Navy. You need to not listen to what everyone else says, this lady is nuts, you can get scholarships later, you don't have to apply now and if you do apply now, you might as well just forget about the Navy, because I can tell you don't really want to go"
(another ACTUAL statement)
Mom chimes in, unusually calm, "Whatever you want to do, but if you apply, you can pay for all the applications because I don't have the money."
(Again, actual, and expected, response.)

I knew what my mom would say. Hell, I knew what my sister would say to. But she had no right to. She had no reason to. She just did. The first thing she says to me in an entire blissfully silent week, and afterwards, when I get upset that I've been insulted and marrooned on an emotional island during a monsoon, it of course is my fault because she gets overdramatic with me and I upset her when I tell her that I wish she would just let me talk to my mother without getting all up in my biz-nass.

I literally can't take this. Not right now, not ontop of birthday blues and Mr.Hampster blues, and Mr.Mr blues and school and work... I'm gonna go BONKERS, as if I'm not already...

I wonder if anyone actually reads this. This is the most interesting form of communication I've yet to stumble across. I think it's interesting that this thing has become more about my points of view and less and less about what actually occurs in my life. It's just interesting how things work out. And I guess it's good because who would want to read all about what happens without knowing anything that they could actually respond to?

oi... Wisdom del this kid in my computer class. oi.

My birthday is coming up, and of course, so are the annual "birthday blues". I hate getting older. It's just one more year Mr. Biological procreator is missing. I was going to say Mr.Father, but he doesn't get that name. Stupid men...

Mr.Mr is occuping far too much of the space in my brain. He's definatly too old and definatly uninterested and I should definatly move on before I actually start thinking he might maybe possibly have some tiny minisucle inkling of longing or desire for just the slightest moment of my presence...

Well, I have to go and try and find something else to think about...

Bible study was great. I'm still happy about that. It's amazing how one thing can make you feel so good, especially after all that stuff hit the fan last week. My sister in law still won't talk to me, which may prove to be a good thing...

At any rate, Church was good yesterday. It was the same sermon that we heard Saturday night at contemporary worship, but it seemed to hit home. "TROUBLES make us TRUST." Logical enough, but I'm still struggling. But I think thats okay. "It's not okay to be angry with God, but you can struggle with what he wants you to do." Wisdom del Pastor Dave.

Mr.Mr was interesting Saturday night, but I'm not sure I should type why, since someone reading this might know him. Let's just say he's close on the heels of Mr.Hampster as "Mr. Always knows what to say."

I can't wait. My birthday is in less than three weeks. After that I get to see my recruiter. WOOHOO! Man, I can't believe it's already that time. Mr.Navy is due home soon, too. He's called me atleast once a week since he's been in A school. (He's an AO... If you know what that means...) I.Y.A.A.Y.A.S. hahaha...

Well, better go... "Enter data... blah blah blah..."

Woohoo for places we can all fit in...

I just got back from Bible study with the young adults. For the first time in a long time I felt at home. I felt like I was where God needed me to be. That was exciting. There I was, conversating with a 28 year old, 4 years the senior of Mr.Mr, and she and I were going through the same things. And what she said I could identify with. And I want to help her. I hardly know her and I want to help out my sister in Christ just because she's my sister. It was amazing. And whats better? Mr.Mr drove me home and said that HE felt that I was in the right place. So it wasn't just me being comfortable, it really was me belonging.

Wow. I belong. In a family. And I have a home. I'm very near to becoming a stable, well-adjusted young adult.

Let's see what will happen next week to ultimately change and probably ruin everything...

TROUBLES make us TRUST.